Dear MILs

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly this was why I had two girls and a son. I know that even wonderful sons can abandon their parents and never visit or call. Dhs parents are lovely, he had a great childhood and doesn’t care to visit. I don’t understand it because he’s very family oriented. So moms of boys, just realize you might never see your sons again (or 2-3x a year) and it has zero to do with the DIL.

It’s true. MILs just don’t want to face the facts that their precious sons are grown now and therefore responsible for their own actions. So it’s easier to blame the “outsider” which in this case would be the DIL then it would be to blame their actual child.

I mean in theory I get it. Who wants to admit even to themselves that their own child doesn’t care to visit or call them. Still doesn’t make it right though to place the blame on the DIL.

Also MILs we have to really look inside ourselves as well at the level of communication and visit we expect to have with our sons. What a parent might deem as not caring or abandoning might actually in reality be a normal amount of visits and communication.

I know in my marriage my husband calls his mom once a week and visits once a month. She lives about an hour away. She expects him to call her daily. Which in my mind is a lot for a grown man to be calling his mother. Most men unless they are overly attached to their mothers or suffer from momma boy syndrome aren’t calling their mothers everyday. Unless the mother is single or widowed or something like that or has health issues where a daily call is needed.

[Anonymous]

It would be easier to follow if you just told us what happened this time OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mean yes, OP, all these things may be true. But you have just epically generalized a problem, when in fact your own MIL is just not a great person. There are a lot of really not great people out there, and now you are unfortunately related to one by marriage.

You’re right I did generalize. But I’m just basing off what I see in real life and based on the threads on here as well.

It also applies to sisters in law as well just change out son for brother and the same thing basically applies.

Except in the sister in law case it is even worse since she isn’t even a parent to said brother. So it’s even more not her circus not her monkeys.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It would be easier to follow if you just told us what happened this time OP.

We have a 4 month old son and MIL recently came to visit from 2 hours away and said her son looked really tired. And called him later on to question why he looks so tired almost as if we don’t have a freaking 4 month old child at home.

Again not her business. We alternate nights with the baby pretty much to a T. But again even if I was being “unfair” it’s still not my MIL’s business to go behind my back and hint around to her son to check up on him to make sure I’m “doing my job.”

Her son is a grown married man and a big boy with a mouth of his own. If there were issues he is more than capable of speaking to me himself. Not having mommy swooping in as super woman to try and protect him from being a father and save him from his evil unfair wife.

This isn’t the first time she has tried to pull this shit.

My husband did the right thing by telling her mom. “Yes of course I’m tired I have a 4 month year old son but so is OP and you don’t seem to care about her well being. Please stop questioning how things are done in our household I’m a big boy.” And she did stop but of course after saying, “I’m your mother I’m just looking out for you.”

Funny how she didn’t seem to notice or care after I was in labor for hours on end and when I was super sick during my pregnancy and she didn’t check up to see if her son was doing enough to help take care of me.

Which my husband was amazing through this whole thing.

[Anonymous]

Op, a few sentences would have worked too, but I am a MIL and I do agree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It would be easier to follow if you just told us what happened this time OP.

We have a 4 month old son and MIL recently came to visit from 2 hours away and said her son looked really tired. And called him later on to question why he looks so tired almost as if we don’t have a freaking 4 month old child at home.

Again not her business. We alternate nights with the baby pretty much to a T. But again even if I was being “unfair” it’s still not my MIL’s business to go behind my back and hint around to her son to check up on him to make sure I’m “doing my job.”

Her son is a grown married man and a big boy with a mouth of his own. If there were issues he is more than capable of speaking to me himself. Not having mommy swooping in as super woman to try and protect him from being a father and save him from his evil unfair wife.

This isn’t the first time she has tried to pull this shit.

My husband did the right thing by telling her mom. “Yes of course I’m tired I have a 4 month year old son but so is OP and you don’t seem to care about her well being. Please stop questioning how things are done in our household I’m a big boy.” And she did stop but of course after saying, “I’m your mother I’m just looking out for you.”

Funny how she didn’t seem to notice or care after I was in labor for hours on end and when I was super sick during my pregnancy and she didn’t check up to see if her son was doing enough to help take care of me.

Which my husband was amazing through this whole thing.

Oh wow so a mother can’t even check up on her own son after he is married? It sounds like a parent just being concerned about their own child. It doesn’t sound like at all she was hinting or implying that you don’t do your part with the baby. Your name was never even brought up by her. Unless you left that part out.

I have a feeling you wouldn’t feel the same way if a mother called up her daughter after having a baby and mentioned she was concerned because she seems super tired. You would just see it as a concerned mother looking out for her daughter.

It’s funny that the minute a mother discusses anything with her grown married son other than. “How’s the weather” or generic basic conversation the wife feels her husband’s mother is being over bearing with him or insulting the wife.

Yet a wife can talk about all kinds of deep subjects with her mom for hours on end and she isn’t scrutinized for that.

[Anonymous]

Every family is different. When my husband's son was dating a woman he married, she'd regularly call us demanding money as they were in college living way above their means in a 3-bedroom house on his student loans. We were not funding him playing house when he could live in the dorms and when they were living more comfortably than we were. So, sometimes it is your business as a parent. She had him cut us out, which was fine... she of course cheated on him and are divorcing. Not a surprise.

[Anonymous]

As a MIL and a Grandmother, I agree with Op much more than I agree with "Mother of a young boy"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It would be easier to follow if you just told us what happened this time OP.

We have a 4 month old son and MIL recently came to visit from 2 hours away and said her son looked really tired. And called him later on to question why he looks so tired almost as if we don’t have a freaking 4 month old child at home.

Again not her business. We alternate nights with the baby pretty much to a T. But again even if I was being “unfair” it’s still not my MIL’s business to go behind my back and hint around to her son to check up on him to make sure I’m “doing my job.”

Her son is a grown married man and a big boy with a mouth of his own. If there were issues he is more than capable of speaking to me himself. Not having mommy swooping in as super woman to try and protect him from being a father and save him from his evil unfair wife.

This isn’t the first time she has tried to pull this shit.

My husband did the right thing by telling her mom. “Yes of course I’m tired I have a 4 month year old son but so is OP and you don’t seem to care about her well being. Please stop questioning how things are done in our household I’m a big boy.” And she did stop but of course after saying, “I’m your mother I’m just looking out for you.”

Funny how she didn’t seem to notice or care after I was in labor for hours on end and when I was super sick during my pregnancy and she didn’t check up to see if her son was doing enough to help take care of me.

Which my husband was amazing through this whole thing.

OP, you must be very tired caring for a 4 month old. And I can see why this would be annoying. But your reaction seems outsized. Your husband handled it beautifully. Soon, you should counsel him to handle the situation as he did, but *not* report back the details to you. It does not sound like he needs your report and telling you these details brew unnecessary drama.

[Anonymous]

If a man can't stand up for himself (and needs Mommy to do it), he's not going to stand up enough to any spouse, and he will not be happy in any marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Every family is different. When my husband's son was dating a woman he married, she'd regularly call us demanding money as they were in college living way above their means in a 3-bedroom house on his student loans. We were not funding him playing house when he could live in the dorms and when they were living more comfortably than we were. So, sometimes it is your business as a parent. She had him cut us out, which was fine... she of course cheated on him and are divorcing. Not a surprise.

Right. Which my letter did stipulate that financial support is a whole different ball game. But if there is no financial support given by the MIL then my point still 100% stands that her married son’s financial arrangements is not in anyway her business. Or what his wife does with her life as long as she isn’t calling mil up asking for money or cheating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry - I’m a DIL who is definitely not signing your letter. 👍🏻

What don’t you like about it?

Your want your MIL in your business. I mean I guess that’s your prerogative.

Have fun with that.

You don’t understand boundaries you only understand walls.

I’m sorry about whatever happened in your childhood that got you to be the type of person.

[Anonymous]

My MIL is wonderful and none of my GFs seem to have a problem with their MILs. They may not be wild about them but no one whines about them. My MIL and I differ on some child rearing things but that's ok because she does it in a warm and not argumentative way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It would be easier to follow if you just told us what happened this time OP.

We have a 4 month old son and MIL recently came to visit from 2 hours away and said her son looked really tired. And called him later on to question why he looks so tired almost as if we don’t have a freaking 4 month old child at home.

Again not her business. We alternate nights with the baby pretty much to a T. But again even if I was being “unfair” it’s still not my MIL’s business to go behind my back and hint around to her son to check up on him to make sure I’m “doing my job.”

Her son is a grown married man and a big boy with a mouth of his own. If there were issues he is more than capable of speaking to me himself. Not having mommy swooping in as super woman to try and protect him from being a father and save him from his evil unfair wife.

This isn’t the first time she has tried to pull this shit.

My husband did the right thing by telling her mom. “Yes of course I’m tired I have a 4 month year old son but so is OP and you don’t seem to care about her well being. Please stop questioning how things are done in our household I’m a big boy.” And she did stop but of course after saying, “I’m your mother I’m just looking out for you.”

Funny how she didn’t seem to notice or care after I was in labor for hours on end and when I was super sick during my pregnancy and she didn’t check up to see if her son was doing enough to help take care of me.

Which my husband was amazing through this whole thing.

I mean, why are you so tired? Is the baby colicky? You have other children? At 4 months you really should not be haggard with 1 kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It would be easier to follow if you just told us what happened this time OP.

We have a 4 month old son and MIL recently came to visit from 2 hours away and said her son looked really tired. And called him later on to question why he looks so tired almost as if we don’t have a freaking 4 month old child at home.

Again not her business. We alternate nights with the baby pretty much to a T. But again even if I was being “unfair” it’s still not my MIL’s business to go behind my back and hint around to her son to check up on him to make sure I’m “doing my job.”

Her son is a grown married man and a big boy with a mouth of his own. If there were issues he is more than capable of speaking to me himself. Not having mommy swooping in as super woman to try and protect him from being a father and save him from his evil unfair wife.

This isn’t the first time she has tried to pull this shit.

My husband did the right thing by telling her mom. “Yes of course I’m tired I have a 4 month year old son but so is OP and you don’t seem to care about her well being. Please stop questioning how things are done in our household I’m a big boy.” And she did stop but of course after saying, “I’m your mother I’m just looking out for you.”

Funny how she didn’t seem to notice or care after I was in labor for hours on end and when I was super sick during my pregnancy and she didn’t check up to see if her son was doing enough to help take care of me.

Which my husband was amazing through this whole thing.

I mean, why are you so tired? Is the baby colicky? You have other children? At 4 months you really should not be haggard with 1 kid.

It’s our first and only child so far so we are getting used to being new parents. I thought that was pretty standard for first time parents as a new baby?

My point was that my MIL felt it necessary to ask my husband why HE is so tired behind my back which has passive aggressive undertones to it otherwise why not just ask him in front of me? Why ask him behind his wife’s back.

Again she didn’t seem to care after my well being when I had a very difficult pregnancy and then all the pain I was in from the long labor but get her son who didn’t go through one iota of that all of a sudden mommy needs to check up on him and make sure his wife is doing her part.