Dear MILs

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I agree with a lot of what you said in your original post, but your example of his mom asking about how he is tired when you aren’t around? You are 100 percent over reacting. I imagine it’s your hormones and stress. There is absolutely nothing, and I mean nothing, wrong with a mother asking her son how it’s going, is he tired, etc etc and yes, that includes asking when you aren’t around. Given the tone of your posts, I really do get the feeling she couldn’t win either way and I suspect she is on eggshells around you and that’s why she didn’t ask about your rough pregnancy. Maybe you could try resetting the tone of your relationship by letting go of your animosity and focusing on the joy of this baby. Open up to your MIL, be friendly and warm, and ask questions about her day - I.e., treat her the way you would want to be treated. See if the dynamic between the two of you changes over time.

I guess I felt like she was with us all day then all of a sudden when I’m out of the room she decides to ask her son if he is tired etc..like she only wanted to hear from her son instead of asking how both moth and dad were adjusting to everything. Like she wanted to ask him separate from his wife. Like does she think he would tell his mother something he wouldn’t tell his own wife?

She probably only wanted to hear from him if he was tired. Why would you answer for him? If she asked if he was hungry would you feel the need to answer that too? Is your husband allowed to speak for himself or does everything have to go through you first?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I agree with a lot of what you said in your original post, but your example of his mom asking about how he is tired when you aren’t around? You are 100 percent over reacting. I imagine it’s your hormones and stress. There is absolutely nothing, and I mean nothing, wrong with a mother asking her son how it’s going, is he tired, etc etc and yes, that includes asking when you aren’t around. Given the tone of your posts, I really do get the feeling she couldn’t win either way and I suspect she is on eggshells around you and that’s why she didn’t ask about your rough pregnancy. Maybe you could try resetting the tone of your relationship by letting go of your animosity and focusing on the joy of this baby. Open up to your MIL, be friendly and warm, and ask questions about her day - I.e., treat her the way you would want to be treated. See if the dynamic between the two of you changes over time.

I guess I felt like she was with us all day then all of a sudden when I’m out of the room she decides to ask her son if he is tired etc..like she only wanted to hear from her son instead of asking how both moth and dad were adjusting to everything. Like she wanted to ask him separate from his wife. Like does she think he would tell his mother something he wouldn’t tell his own wife?

She probably only wanted to hear from him if he was tired. Why would you answer for him? If she asked if he was hungry would you feel the need to answer that too? Is your husband allowed to speak for himself or does everything have to go through you first?

I guess I’m not understanding why she wouldn’t want to check up on the mother of her grandchild as well who is also her DIL. Does only her son’s well being matter?

Why couldn’t it be asked as us as a couple, “hey how are you guys feeling being first time parents.”

I mean after all she was in my home and she couldn’t even ask about me. That’s like basic manners 101.

I find it incredibly odd to go to my MIL and FIL’s house and only show concern for one of them and not the other.

I also find it odd to ask about your son but not your DIL as well when you have always had a good relationship with your DIL in the past and see her quite often. This isn’t like I’m a DIL she doesn’t know real well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I agree with a lot of what you said in your original post, but your example of his mom asking about how he is tired when you aren’t around? You are 100 percent over reacting. I imagine it’s your hormones and stress. There is absolutely nothing, and I mean nothing, wrong with a mother asking her son how it’s going, is he tired, etc etc and yes, that includes asking when you aren’t around. Given the tone of your posts, I really do get the feeling she couldn’t win either way and I suspect she is on eggshells around you and that’s why she didn’t ask about your rough pregnancy. Maybe you could try resetting the tone of your relationship by letting go of your animosity and focusing on the joy of this baby. Open up to your MIL, be friendly and warm, and ask questions about her day - I.e., treat her the way you would want to be treated. See if the dynamic between the two of you changes over time.

I guess I felt like she was with us all day then all of a sudden when I’m out of the room she decides to ask her son if he is tired etc..like she only wanted to hear from her son instead of asking how both moth and dad were adjusting to everything. Like she wanted to ask him separate from his wife. Like does she think he would tell his mother something he wouldn’t tell his own wife?

You feel, you feel, you feel…

Keep letting your feelings jerk you around, OP. You’ll ruin your relationship with your MIL first, then your marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I agree with a lot of what you said in your original post, but your example of his mom asking about how he is tired when you aren’t around? You are 100 percent over reacting. I imagine it’s your hormones and stress. There is absolutely nothing, and I mean nothing, wrong with a mother asking her son how it’s going, is he tired, etc etc and yes, that includes asking when you aren’t around. Given the tone of your posts, I really do get the feeling she couldn’t win either way and I suspect she is on eggshells around you and that’s why she didn’t ask about your rough pregnancy. Maybe you could try resetting the tone of your relationship by letting go of your animosity and focusing on the joy of this baby. Open up to your MIL, be friendly and warm, and ask questions about her day - I.e., treat her the way you would want to be treated. See if the dynamic between the two of you changes over time.

I guess I felt like she was with us all day then all of a sudden when I’m out of the room she decides to ask her son if he is tired etc..like she only wanted to hear from her son instead of asking how both moth and dad were adjusting to everything. Like she wanted to ask him separate from his wife. Like does she think he would tell his mother something he wouldn’t tell his own wife?

She probably only wanted to hear from him if he was tired. Why would you answer for him? If she asked if he was hungry would you feel the need to answer that too? Is your husband allowed to speak for himself or does everything have to go through you first?

I guess I’m not understanding why she wouldn’t want to check up on the mother of her grandchild as well who is also her DIL. Does only her son’s well being matter?

Why couldn’t it be asked as us as a couple, “hey how are you guys feeling being first time parents.”

I mean after all she was in my home and she couldn’t even ask about me. That’s like basic manners 101.

I find it incredibly odd to go to my MIL and FIL’s house and only show concern for one of them and not the other.

I also find it odd to ask about your son but not your DIL as well when you have always had a good relationship with your DIL in the past and see her quite often. This isn’t like I’m a DIL she doesn’t know real well.

Maybe you looked perky, beautiful, glowing and like you had it all together? And he didn't?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mothers will be protective about their sons. I can see why your MIL has it out for you.

Why would she have it out for me? MILs like that need to cut the string and accept her son jd a grown married man. What do MIls need to protect their precious baby boys from? The evil vagina owner of a wife.

If you think you need to protect your son into adulthood than that is a fail on you and your husband’s end that you guys haven’t given your son the proper tools to protect himself and that he still needs to be coddled into adulthood. You guys should have taught him that as a child.

No it’s not normal for a mother to only care about her son and completely shut out her DIl. Not a kind mil anyways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I agree with a lot of what you said in your original post, but your example of his mom asking about how he is tired when you aren’t around? You are 100 percent over reacting. I imagine it’s your hormones and stress. There is absolutely nothing, and I mean nothing, wrong with a mother asking her son how it’s going, is he tired, etc etc and yes, that includes asking when you aren’t around. Given the tone of your posts, I really do get the feeling she couldn’t win either way and I suspect she is on eggshells around you and that’s why she didn’t ask about your rough pregnancy. Maybe you could try resetting the tone of your relationship by letting go of your animosity and focusing on the joy of this baby. Open up to your MIL, be friendly and warm, and ask questions about her day - I.e., treat her the way you would want to be treated. See if the dynamic between the two of you changes over time.

I guess I felt like she was with us all day then all of a sudden when I’m out of the room she decides to ask her son if he is tired etc..like she only wanted to hear from her son instead of asking how both moth and dad were adjusting to everything. Like she wanted to ask him separate from his wife. Like does she think he would tell his mother something he wouldn’t tell his own wife?

You feel, you feel, you feel…

Keep letting your feelings jerk you around, OP. You’ll ruin your relationship with your MIL first, then your marriage.
[/quote

So because I have my feelings hurt and I would be forthcoming instead of holding it in with my mil I would ruin my relationship with her? That’s not how family works. You discuss things with one another when something hurts your feelings instead of holding it in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mothers will be protective about their sons. I can see why your MIL has it out for you.

Why would she have it out for me? MILs like that need to cut the string and accept her son jd a grown married man. What do MIls need to protect their precious baby boys from? The evil vagina owner of a wife.

If you think you need to protect your son into adulthood than that is a fail on you and your husband’s end that you guys haven’t given your son the proper tools to protect himself and that he still needs to be coddled into adulthood. You guys should have taught him that as a child.

No it’s not normal for a mother to only care about her son and completely shut out her DIl. Not a kind mil anyways.

Do you want to talk to your MIL about your problems? Or not? You seem like you have problems and are dying for her to ask you about them. Or would you just give her an "everything's fine!" if she asked you. What do you want from her?

[Anonymous]

NP. This makes me so sad reading that most of you think it’s normal for a mil to only care about her son and not her DIl. In my social circle all of my friends MIL’s ask about them as well. In fact some of them may ask about their DIL’s more than their sons as it’s typically the woman who goes through more stress during the early child rearing stages and who is always the one who goes through the pregnancy.

My mil always took an interest in my as my own person and not just someone who came alongside her grandchild and son. And for that I’m forever thankful to her and I take an interest in her as an individual as well.

It’s odd to me to be more concerned especially as a fellow woman with your son when his body isn’t the one recovering and going through physical trauma after recovering from first time child birth and let’s be real the mother is often the one who does the brunt of the work with the baby. Yes sadly even in2024.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I agree with a lot of what you said in your original post, but your example of his mom asking about how he is tired when you aren’t around? You are 100 percent over reacting. I imagine it’s your hormones and stress. There is absolutely nothing, and I mean nothing, wrong with a mother asking her son how it’s going, is he tired, etc etc and yes, that includes asking when you aren’t around. Given the tone of your posts, I really do get the feeling she couldn’t win either way and I suspect she is on eggshells around you and that’s why she didn’t ask about your rough pregnancy. Maybe you could try resetting the tone of your relationship by letting go of your animosity and focusing on the joy of this baby. Open up to your MIL, be friendly and warm, and ask questions about her day - I.e., treat her the way you would want to be treated. See if the dynamic between the two of you changes over time.

I guess I felt like she was with us all day then all of a sudden when I’m out of the room she decides to ask her son if he is tired etc..like she only wanted to hear from her son instead of asking how both moth and dad were adjusting to everything. Like she wanted to ask him separate from his wife. Like does she think he would tell his mother something he wouldn’t tell his own wife?

You feel, you feel, you feel…

Keep letting your feelings jerk you around, OP. You’ll ruin your relationship with your MIL first, then your marriage.

So because I have my feelings hurt and I would be forthcoming instead of holding it in with my mil I would ruin my relationship with her? That’s not how family works. You discuss things with one another when something hurts your feelings instead of holding it in.

Did you talk to your MIL?

It’s ok to have feelings. But when you let your feelings control your reactions to people and situations without being able to step back, pause, and try to look at things from another perspective, then your relationships suffer.

[Anonymous]

I have a DIL who is prob just like you. She acts like my son’s only role in her life is to be her husband forgetting that he is a son, brother, uncle, and friend to others.

She acts all pissy and bent out of shape if I dare to invite my own son to a restaurant for dinner and want to spend quality time with just him.

Yes they are CBFC so I’m not taking my son away from his parenting responsibilities at home.

If I call my son’s phone sometimes she answers. If I am visiting my son and DIL or they are over at my house anytime my son leaves the room to talk to me she follows him and monopolizes the whole conversation interrupting him and not letting him get a word in edge wise. I can’t even ask my son one god damn question without her interrupting or answering for him.

I am so annoyed that my DIL seems to think I have to go through her to have a relationship with my own son and I’m getting the vibe she expects me to love her and treat her exactly the same as my own son. The funny thing is I actually do like my DIL but I just hate that she acts like she owns my son.

Every year I text my DIL on her birthday and I mail my son a check and she had the galls to flat out ask me why my son gets a check on his birthday when she just gets a check and I straight out told her because my son is my child. In a duh type of tone.

But I forgot the minute a man gets married he belongs to the wife only and god forbid he doesn’t have a distant relationship with his mother he is deemed a enmeshed or that he can’t cut the apron strings from his mother.

It’s almost as if he can’t be both a loyal son and a loyal husband at the same time. Like by remaining close to his mother he is betraying his wife somehow.

[Anonymous]

And why she only gets a text not a check

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP. This makes me so sad reading that most of you think it’s normal for a mil to only care about her son and not her DIl. In my social circle all of my friends MIL’s ask about them as well. In fact some of them may ask about their DIL’s more than their sons as it’s typically the woman who goes through more stress during the early child rearing stages and who is always the one who goes through the pregnancy.

My mil always took an interest in my as my own person and not just someone who came alongside her grandchild and son. And for that I’m forever thankful to her and I take an interest in her as an individual as well.

It’s odd to me to be more concerned especially as a fellow woman with your son when his body isn’t the one recovering and going through physical trauma after recovering from first time child birth and let’s be real the mother is often the one who does the brunt of the work with the baby. Yes sadly even in2024.

I definitely didn’t want to talk to my MiL about my body and recovery and how many stitches i got or my hemorrhoids from pushing for hours. Maybe the MIL doesn’t feel that close to DIL to get personal. Not everyone wants or expects that level of closeness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP. This makes me so sad reading that most of you think it’s normal for a mil to only care about her son and not her DIl. In my social circle all of my friends MIL’s ask about them as well. In fact some of them may ask about their DIL’s more than their sons as it’s typically the woman who goes through more stress during the early child rearing stages and who is always the one who goes through the pregnancy.

My mil always took an interest in my as my own person and not just someone who came alongside her grandchild and son. And for that I’m forever thankful to her and I take an interest in her as an individual as well.

It’s odd to me to be more concerned especially as a fellow woman with your son when his body isn’t the one recovering and going through physical trauma after recovering from first time child birth and let’s be real the mother is often the one who does the brunt of the work with the baby. Yes sadly even in2024.

NP. This is DCUM. Most of these women passionately hate their lives, their kids, and their husbands. They also hate their MILs, as you can see. They are miserable people who wouldn’t understand a happy marriage and happy extended family if they were presented on a platter. What they don’t understand is that because they are raising kids this way, eventually their DILs will hate them too, and the cycle of miserable families will continue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP. This makes me so sad reading that most of you think it’s normal for a mil to only care about her son and not her DIl. In my social circle all of my friends MIL’s ask about them as well. In fact some of them may ask about their DIL’s more than their sons as it’s typically the woman who goes through more stress during the early child rearing stages and who is always the one who goes through the pregnancy.

My mil always took an interest in my as my own person and not just someone who came alongside her grandchild and son. And for that I’m forever thankful to her and I take an interest in her as an individual as well.

It’s odd to me to be more concerned especially as a fellow woman with your son when his body isn’t the one recovering and going through physical trauma after recovering from first time child birth and let’s be real the mother is often the one who does the brunt of the work with the baby. Yes sadly even in2024.

NP. This is DCUM. Most of these women passionately hate their lives, their kids, and their husbands. They also hate their MILs, as you can see. They are miserable people who wouldn’t understand a happy marriage and happy extended family if they were presented on a platter. What they don’t understand is that because they are raising kids this way, eventually their DILs will hate them too, and the cycle of miserable families will continue.

No what I’m saying is that it’s sad that most mils seem not to care for their DILs when that doesn’t seem to be the norm in my life or in my social circle.

But on this thread they are saying the op at best should expect her mil to treat her like an acquaintance at best.

To me a mil since it has the term mother in it is like a second mother.

[Anonymous]

I feel like op has got the message that she is kind of a narcissist by now and maybe we should stop piling on.

But op do check in with a therapist. You don’t want your dc on here in 20y saying my mother is a narcissist and everything was always about her.