Dear MILs

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It would be easier to follow if you just told us what happened this time OP.

We have a 4 month old son and MIL recently came to visit from 2 hours away and said her son looked really tired. And called him later on to question why he looks so tired almost as if we don’t have a freaking 4 month old child at home.

Again not her business. We alternate nights with the baby pretty much to a T. But again even if I was being “unfair” it’s still not my MIL’s business to go behind my back and hint around to her son to check up on him to make sure I’m “doing my job.”

Her son is a grown married man and a big boy with a mouth of his own. If there were issues he is more than capable of speaking to me himself. Not having mommy swooping in as super woman to try and protect him from being a father and save him from his evil unfair wife.

This isn’t the first time she has tried to pull this shit.

My husband did the right thing by telling her mom. “Yes of course I’m tired I have a 4 month year old son but so is OP and you don’t seem to care about her well being. Please stop questioning how things are done in our household I’m a big boy.” And she did stop but of course after saying, “I’m your mother I’m just looking out for you.”

Funny how she didn’t seem to notice or care after I was in labor for hours on end and when I was super sick during my pregnancy and she didn’t check up to see if her son was doing enough to help take care of me.

Which my husband was amazing through this whole thing.

OP, you must be very tired caring for a 4 month old. And I can see why this would be annoying. But your reaction seems outsized. Your husband handled it beautifully. Soon, you should counsel him to handle the situation as he did, but *not* report back the details to you. It does not sound like he needs your report and telling you these details brew unnecessary drama.

I agree 100% that it’s not necessary for my DH to tell me when his mother makes passive aggressive remarks against me. I did also add she continues to do it bc clearly he isn’t shutting it down fast enough.

If he said, “mom my marriage and how we handle our child is not your business or up for discussion” and then immediately changing the subject the behavior would be nipped in the bud.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It would be easier to follow if you just told us what happened this time OP.

We have a 4 month old son and MIL recently came to visit from 2 hours away and said her son looked really tired. And called him later on to question why he looks so tired almost as if we don’t have a freaking 4 month old child at home.

Again not her business. We alternate nights with the baby pretty much to a T. But again even if I was being “unfair” it’s still not my MIL’s business to go behind my back and hint around to her son to check up on him to make sure I’m “doing my job.”

Her son is a grown married man and a big boy with a mouth of his own. If there were issues he is more than capable of speaking to me himself. Not having mommy swooping in as super woman to try and protect him from being a father and save him from his evil unfair wife.

This isn’t the first time she has tried to pull this shit.

My husband did the right thing by telling her mom. “Yes of course I’m tired I have a 4 month year old son but so is OP and you don’t seem to care about her well being. Please stop questioning how things are done in our household I’m a big boy.” And she did stop but of course after saying, “I’m your mother I’m just looking out for you.”

Funny how she didn’t seem to notice or care after I was in labor for hours on end and when I was super sick during my pregnancy and she didn’t check up to see if her son was doing enough to help take care of me.

Which my husband was amazing through this whole thing.

I mean, why are you so tired? Is the baby colicky? You have other children? At 4 months you really should not be haggard with 1 kid.

It’s our first and only child so far so we are getting used to being new parents. I thought that was pretty standard for first time parents as a new baby?

My point was that my MIL felt it necessary to ask my husband why HE is so tired behind my back which has passive aggressive undertones to it otherwise why not just ask him in front of me? Why ask him behind his wife’s back.

Again she didn’t seem to care after my well being when I had a very difficult pregnancy and then all the pain I was in from the long labor but get her son who didn’t go through one iota of that all of a sudden mommy needs to check up on him and make sure his wife is doing her part.

Maybe the 1st month. Maybe if you got 0 maternity leave and work 10 hour days.

I think there is something else going on, you should not be this exhausted at 4 months. 1 child, 2 parents…. Maybe your exhaustion has triggered and triggered you to over react to a “you look tired” comment from his mom.

The baby should be napping a ton during the day. Are you resting then? When your H gets home can you take a nap or something.

I’d actually talk to your pediatrician or get advice on how to manage this better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It would be easier to follow if you just told us what happened this time OP.

We have a 4 month old son and MIL recently came to visit from 2 hours away and said her son looked really tired. And called him later on to question why he looks so tired almost as if we don’t have a freaking 4 month old child at home.

Again not her business. We alternate nights with the baby pretty much to a T. But again even if I was being “unfair” it’s still not my MIL’s business to go behind my back and hint around to her son to check up on him to make sure I’m “doing my job.”

Her son is a grown married man and a big boy with a mouth of his own. If there were issues he is more than capable of speaking to me himself. Not having mommy swooping in as super woman to try and protect him from being a father and save him from his evil unfair wife.

This isn’t the first time she has tried to pull this shit.

My husband did the right thing by telling her mom. “Yes of course I’m tired I have a 4 month year old son but so is OP and you don’t seem to care about her well being. Please stop questioning how things are done in our household I’m a big boy.” And she did stop but of course after saying, “I’m your mother I’m just looking out for you.”

Funny how she didn’t seem to notice or care after I was in labor for hours on end and when I was super sick during my pregnancy and she didn’t check up to see if her son was doing enough to help take care of me.

Which my husband was amazing through this whole thing.

I mean, why are you so tired? Is the baby colicky? You have other children? At 4 months you really should not be haggard with 1 kid.

It’s our first and only child so far so we are getting used to being new parents. I thought that was pretty standard for first time parents as a new baby?

My point was that my MIL felt it necessary to ask my husband why HE is so tired behind my back which has passive aggressive undertones to it otherwise why not just ask him in front of me? Why ask him behind his wife’s back.

Again she didn’t seem to care after my well being when I had a very difficult pregnancy and then all the pain I was in from the long labor but get her son who didn’t go through one iota of that all of a sudden mommy needs to check up on him and make sure his wife is doing her part.

Passive aggressive undertones.....asking him behind his wife's back? Being a new mom can be very difficult but it sounds like you are having some post partum problems that are not just due to your MIL.

[Anonymous]

As a MIL of 2 lovely DILs I always get so sad when I read these posts where the MILs only check on their sons therefore acting like their DILs are an incubator for their grandchild.

Your DIL is also a member of your family and it’s MILs like you who give MILs a bad name.

When both my DILs were pregnant I always reached out to them personally to check on them as human beings first and foremost and not just as the mother of my grandchild. I told them I’m always here for them if they needed a listening ear or needed anything from me but if they wanted space I totally understood and respected that as well.

Immediately after the babies were born I asked my sons what my DILs favorite foods are and brought them over.

I would have exchanged a few words with my sons if I thought for a second he wasn’t stepping up as a father and helping out his wife.

[Anonymous]

OP, I get it. While my MIL is wonderful, and not at all intrusive, I know a few who are very intrusive (or will be when they are a MIL). My DH's best friend's mom is one such MIL, and I could tell from the first time I met her when we were in our 20's. Some people are just that way. Your DH seems to be handling his mom just fine, but I get why you'd be annoyed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dear DILs Everywhere,

Your husband was my son for many years before he was your husband. I don’t care if he is 5 or 95 as long as I’m alive it is my “job” to lookout for him and make sure he is being treated right.

So many men work hard for their families and all their wive’s do is spend their hard earned money. As a mom of a young son I want my son to be treated kindly in his marriage and not dominated by a domineering woman in the future.

And I don’t give a rat’s ass what you think my first loyalty is always to my own son. If I think he is being taken advantage of in his marriage you bet your ass I always have that “right” to pull him aside and have a conversation about it.

I carried him for 9 months, gave birth to him, raised him into adulthood, held him while he cried, fixed his boo boos, stayed up with him all night. I will always cradle to grave protect him.

He can divorce you honey and get another wife but he can only ever have one mother.

Signed,

A mother of a young boy.

LMAO one day you will realize that the reason he doesn’t call, text, make plans, visit you is because He’s Just Not That Into You.

And by the way, maybe your “young boy” is gay, ever think of that? You might not even have a DIL. Or maybe he will choose not to marry or maybe he’ll choose not to have kids or whatever. And this big future you’ve made up your mind about might not come to pass…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It would be easier to follow if you just told us what happened this time OP.

We have a 4 month old son and MIL recently came to visit from 2 hours away and said her son looked really tired. And called him later on to question why he looks so tired almost as if we don’t have a freaking 4 month old child at home.

Again not her business. We alternate nights with the baby pretty much to a T. But again even if I was being “unfair” it’s still not my MIL’s business to go behind my back and hint around to her son to check up on him to make sure I’m “doing my job.”

Her son is a grown married man and a big boy with a mouth of his own. If there were issues he is more than capable of speaking to me himself. Not having mommy swooping in as super woman to try and protect him from being a father and save him from his evil unfair wife.

This isn’t the first time she has tried to pull this shit.

My husband did the right thing by telling her mom. “Yes of course I’m tired I have a 4 month year old son but so is OP and you don’t seem to care about her well being. Please stop questioning how things are done in our household I’m a big boy.” And she did stop but of course after saying, “I’m your mother I’m just looking out for you.”

Funny how she didn’t seem to notice or care after I was in labor for hours on end and when I was super sick during my pregnancy and she didn’t check up to see if her son was doing enough to help take care of me.

Which my husband was amazing through this whole thing.

I mean, why are you so tired? Is the baby colicky? You have other children? At 4 months you really should not be haggard with 1 kid.

It’s our first and only child so far so we are getting used to being new parents. I thought that was pretty standard for first time parents as a new baby?

My point was that my MIL felt it necessary to ask my husband why HE is so tired behind my back which has passive aggressive undertones to it otherwise why not just ask him in front of me? Why ask him behind his wife’s back.

Again she didn’t seem to care after my well being when I had a very difficult pregnancy and then all the pain I was in from the long labor but get her son who didn’t go through one iota of that all of a sudden mommy needs to check up on him and make sure his wife is doing her part.

Passive aggressive undertones.....asking him behind his wife's back? Being a new mom can be very difficult but it sounds like you are having some post partum problems that are not just due to your MIL.

Well what was my MILs point in asking this when I wasn’t around? She was around the two of us all day then the few minutes I’m not around she suddenly magically remembered to ask her son why he seems so tired? You don’t think that’s behind his wife’s back. I’m his own wife you can say to my husband anything in front of his own wife.

Also you really don’t see the passive aggressive undertones why are you so tired meaning are you doing all the work and your wife isn’t helping.

Again funny enough how when I was super sick during my pregnancy my MIL didn’t seem to care one iota to ask me how I’m feeling or if I’m ok or need anything and same when my labor was excruciating.

I feel like a total incubator for her grandchild. Not caring at all about my well being as her DIL and mother of her grandchild just her son and grandchild.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It would be easier to follow if you just told us what happened this time OP.

We have a 4 month old son and MIL recently came to visit from 2 hours away and said her son looked really tired. And called him later on to question why he looks so tired almost as if we don’t have a freaking 4 month old child at home.

Again not her business. We alternate nights with the baby pretty much to a T. But again even if I was being “unfair” it’s still not my MIL’s business to go behind my back and hint around to her son to check up on him to make sure I’m “doing my job.”

Her son is a grown married man and a big boy with a mouth of his own. If there were issues he is more than capable of speaking to me himself. Not having mommy swooping in as super woman to try and protect him from being a father and save him from his evil unfair wife.

This isn’t the first time she has tried to pull this shit.

My husband did the right thing by telling her mom. “Yes of course I’m tired I have a 4 month year old son but so is OP and you don’t seem to care about her well being. Please stop questioning how things are done in our household I’m a big boy.” And she did stop but of course after saying, “I’m your mother I’m just looking out for you.”

Funny how she didn’t seem to notice or care after I was in labor for hours on end and when I was super sick during my pregnancy and she didn’t check up to see if her son was doing enough to help take care of me.

Which my husband was amazing through this whole thing.

I mean, why are you so tired? Is the baby colicky? You have other children? At 4 months you really should not be haggard with 1 kid.

It’s our first and only child so far so we are getting used to being new parents. I thought that was pretty standard for first time parents as a new baby?

My point was that my MIL felt it necessary to ask my husband why HE is so tired behind my back which has passive aggressive undertones to it otherwise why not just ask him in front of me? Why ask him behind his wife’s back.

Again she didn’t seem to care after my well being when I had a very difficult pregnancy and then all the pain I was in from the long labor but get her son who didn’t go through one iota of that all of a sudden mommy needs to check up on him and make sure his wife is doing her part.

Passive aggressive undertones.....asking him behind his wife's back? Being a new mom can be very difficult but it sounds like you are having some post partum problems that are not just due to your MIL.

I agree with this.

There is something else going on.

I don’t see someone say “hey you look tired” to their child but not their spouse as passive aggressive. Add that to your exhausted at 4 months.

Please call your pediatrician.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly this was why I had two girls and a son. I know that even wonderful sons can abandon their parents and never visit or call. Dhs parents are lovely, he had a great childhood and doesn’t care to visit. I don’t understand it because he’s very family oriented. So moms of boys, just realize you might never see your sons again (or 2-3x a year) and it has zero to do with the DIL.

Your daughter may turn out to be gay, or trans. Then what will you do? The cow you raised for the sole purpose of fulfilling your needs and expectations won’t pan out.

-DIL whose SIL turned out to be a BIL, and MIL’s chokehold on feminine expectations has been a fascinating thing to watch implode

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It would be easier to follow if you just told us what happened this time OP.

We have a 4 month old son and MIL recently came to visit from 2 hours away and said her son looked really tired. And called him later on to question why he looks so tired almost as if we don’t have a freaking 4 month old child at home.

Again not her business. We alternate nights with the baby pretty much to a T. But again even if I was being “unfair” it’s still not my MIL’s business to go behind my back and hint around to her son to check up on him to make sure I’m “doing my job.”

Her son is a grown married man and a big boy with a mouth of his own. If there were issues he is more than capable of speaking to me himself. Not having mommy swooping in as super woman to try and protect him from being a father and save him from his evil unfair wife.

This isn’t the first time she has tried to pull this shit.

My husband did the right thing by telling her mom. “Yes of course I’m tired I have a 4 month year old son but so is OP and you don’t seem to care about her well being. Please stop questioning how things are done in our household I’m a big boy.” And she did stop but of course after saying, “I’m your mother I’m just looking out for you.”

Funny how she didn’t seem to notice or care after I was in labor for hours on end and when I was super sick during my pregnancy and she didn’t check up to see if her son was doing enough to help take care of me.

Which my husband was amazing through this whole thing.

I mean, why are you so tired? Is the baby colicky? You have other children? At 4 months you really should not be haggard with 1 kid.

It’s our first and only child so far so we are getting used to being new parents. I thought that was pretty standard for first time parents as a new baby?

My point was that my MIL felt it necessary to ask my husband why HE is so tired behind my back which has passive aggressive undertones to it otherwise why not just ask him in front of me? Why ask him behind his wife’s back.

Again she didn’t seem to care after my well being when I had a very difficult pregnancy and then all the pain I was in from the long labor but get her son who didn’t go through one iota of that all of a sudden mommy needs to check up on him and make sure his wife is doing her part.

Passive aggressive undertones.....asking him behind his wife's back? Being a new mom can be very difficult but it sounds like you are having some post partum problems that are not just due to your MIL.

Well what was my MILs point in asking this when I wasn’t around? She was around the two of us all day then the few minutes I’m not around she suddenly magically remembered to ask her son why he seems so tired? You don’t think that’s behind his wife’s back. I’m his own wife you can say to my husband anything in front of his own wife.

Also you really don’t see the passive aggressive undertones why are you so tired meaning are you doing all the work and your wife isn’t helping.

Again funny enough how when I was super sick during my pregnancy my MIL didn’t seem to care one iota to ask me how I’m feeling or if I’m ok or need anything and same when my labor was excruciating.

I feel like a total incubator for her grandchild. Not caring at all about my well being as her DIL and mother of her grandchild just her son and grandchild.

Because you never tell a woman she looks exhausted. You’d be like no sh*t chet!

I think you might have PPD and maybe some PTSD from a difficult labor.

[Anonymous]

I am a mom, and now MIL to 2 DIl's and , my life goal is to treat my DIL's like my own daughters , to love and cherish them because they are now part of my family. My son's love them, and it is my role to allow my sons to be men, to live their lives according to their own rules.
I taught them , some lessons they will hold, others they will abandon, they will find their own place in the world, and my job now is to love and support . I love spending time, and wish I could see them everyday, they are my favorite people, but lives are busy, and they have the right ti live and pursue the lives they want. MILS everywhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean yes, OP, all these things may be true. But you have just epically generalized a problem, when in fact your own MIL is just not a great person. There are a lot of really not great people out there, and now you are unfortunately related to one by marriage.

You’re right I did generalize. But I’m just basing off what I see in real life and based on the threads on here as well.

It also applies to sisters in law as well just change out son for brother and the same thing basically applies.

Except in the sister in law case it is even worse since she isn’t even a parent to said brother. So it’s even more not her circus not her monkeys.

If everyone around you is difficult OP, look for the common denominator.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I mean, why are you so tired? Is the baby colicky? You have other children? At 4 months you really should not be haggard with 1 kid.

It’s our first and only child so far so we are getting used to being new parents. I thought that was pretty standard for first time parents as a new baby?

My point was that my MIL felt it necessary to ask my husband why HE is so tired behind my back which has passive aggressive undertones to it otherwise why not just ask him in front of me? Why ask him behind his wife’s back.

Again she didn’t seem to care after my well being when I had a very difficult pregnancy and then all the pain I was in from the long labor but get her son who didn’t go through one iota of that all of a sudden mommy needs to check up on him and make sure his wife is doing her part.

Yes, of course it's fine/normal to feel tired when your first child is barely out of the newborn phase. (The poster above was just trying to get in a dig and feel a wee bit superior about the ease of parenthood for him/her.)

However, you need to decide, especially given your husband has your back and is unbothered, that her little quips and questions don't matter a bit. My MIL rightly thinks my DH does more. The few days a year she visits he actually does do more. I happen to do more the other 360 days a year. But, I realized it doesn't matter what she thinks. It matters if the visits go okay and they get nice time together, which happens more if I'm scarce. As the babe gets older, use her visits as a good time to get a real break and don't worry what she says or thinks. It really doesn't matter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I mean, why are you so tired? Is the baby colicky? You have other children? At 4 months you really should not be haggard with 1 kid.

It’s our first and only child so far so we are getting used to being new parents. I thought that was pretty standard for first time parents as a new baby?

My point was that my MIL felt it necessary to ask my husband why HE is so tired behind my back which has passive aggressive undertones to it otherwise why not just ask him in front of me? Why ask him behind his wife’s back.

Again she didn’t seem to care after my well being when I had a very difficult pregnancy and then all the pain I was in from the long labor but get her son who didn’t go through one iota of that all of a sudden mommy needs to check up on him and make sure his wife is doing her part.

Yes, of course it's fine/normal to feel tired when your first child is barely out of the newborn phase. (The poster above was just trying to get in a dig and feel a wee bit superior about the ease of parenthood for him/her.)

However, you need to decide, especially given your husband has your back and is unbothered, that her little quips and questions don't matter a bit. My MIL rightly thinks my DH does more. The few days a year she visits he actually does do more. I happen to do more the other 360 days a year. But, I realized it doesn't matter what she thinks. It matters if the visits go okay and they get nice time together, which happens more if I'm scarce. As the babe gets older, use her visits as a good time to get a real break and don't worry what she says or thinks. It really doesn't matter.

Call your OBGYN

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It would be easier to follow if you just told us what happened this time OP.

We have a 4 month old son and MIL recently came to visit from 2 hours away and said her son looked really tired. And called him later on to question why he looks so tired almost as if we don’t have a freaking 4 month old child at home.

Again not her business. We alternate nights with the baby pretty much to a T. But again even if I was being “unfair” it’s still not my MIL’s business to go behind my back and hint around to her son to check up on him to make sure I’m “doing my job.”

Her son is a grown married man and a big boy with a mouth of his own. If there were issues he is more than capable of speaking to me himself. Not having mommy swooping in as super woman to try and protect him from being a father and save him from his evil unfair wife.

This isn’t the first time she has tried to pull this shit.

My husband did the right thing by telling her mom. “Yes of course I’m tired I have a 4 month year old son but so is OP and you don’t seem to care about her well being. Please stop questioning how things are done in our household I’m a big boy.” And she did stop but of course after saying, “I’m your mother I’m just looking out for you.”

Funny how she didn’t seem to notice or care after I was in labor for hours on end and when I was super sick during my pregnancy and she didn’t check up to see if her son was doing enough to help take care of me.

Which my husband was amazing through this whole thing.

I mean, why are you so tired? Is the baby colicky? You have other children? At 4 months you really should not be haggard with 1 kid.

It’s our first and only child so far so we are getting used to being new parents. I thought that was pretty standard for first time parents as a new baby?

My point was that my MIL felt it necessary to ask my husband why HE is so tired behind my back which has passive aggressive undertones to it otherwise why not just ask him in front of me? Why ask him behind his wife’s back.

Again she didn’t seem to care after my well being when I had a very difficult pregnancy and then all the pain I was in from the long labor but get her son who didn’t go through one iota of that all of a sudden mommy needs to check up on him and make sure his wife is doing her part.

Passive aggressive undertones.....asking him behind his wife's back? Being a new mom can be very difficult but it sounds like you are having some post partum problems that are not just due to your MIL.

I agree with this.

There is something else going on.

I don’t see someone say “hey you look tired” to their child but not their spouse as passive aggressive. Add that to your exhausted at 4 months.

Please call your pediatrician.

The issue was the 3 of us were together for hours on end and it’s just funny how all of a sudden that’s when she asks her son that. Why wait until im out of the room to inquire about that?

Again I went through an awful pregnancy and labor and MIl didn’t seem to care one iota about me then. But her son seems slightly tired and it’s a whole thing. Which is why I made that comment that I felt like an incubator for her grandchild rather than a family member.

I have an appt with my ped for next week and my therapist the week after.