Vent about marrying someone from a very underdeveloped country

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have read all of your posts,Op
across different threads that you started.

It really is beyond belief that:

- you have been to Bangladesh before and are still unprepared for many things

- that even in your second visit you cannot navigate your way around simple cooking things like breakfast other than using a pancake maker that you took from US

- there are many ways to get across the street without walking if thats difficult for you - you said your kids like the rickshaw.

- LOADS of local places sell pizza there not just Dominoes

- you keep saying Bengal this and Bengal that, it’s “Bengali” - please know the difference if you are married to a Bangladeshi, and have kids too so you can teach them

- if you visit a place like Serene Garden in “rural Bangladesh “ and still complain about dirty cushions, sorry you are a troll.

- you claim no one told you about certain things - you could surely look them up online when in the US, but you didn't because you want to be ignorant, or want dh to spoon feed you everything. Or you love drama.

- communication with your dh needs to be a lot more transparent,( and has nothing to do with Bangladesh and its rural cities, ) but thats a different story.

Op here. My dh uses both Bengal and Bengali interchangeably. I'm not going to reply to the rest of your post because it's clear you're being mean-spirited. Probably some kind of reverse racism going on. Also, please know Bengali people views indians as being overly complicated. I think there are a lot of Indian who think Bangladesh is exactly like India and it's not. Lots of condescending know-it-alls on this forum. Every single thing you posted was critical. How is that helpful?

I am no longer posting on here but thanks to the people who were helpful and respectful.

I think pp is trying to understand many of the things you have said in your posts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I visit India with my American spouse and our kids we are so busy with meeting family and friends, traveling and shopping that we barely have a moment to sit down. And we eat all the local food like there’s no tomorrow, with sensible precautions. We go for 2 weeks. A month would be heaven. I don’t think I’d be writing essays on DCUM.

It sounds like, from what OP is describing, her DH is strictly limiting how much they leave the house and isn’t going along with travel, food, shopping plans and she isn’t familiar enough with the area/doesn’t feel safe enough to do these things alone.

My DH isn’t from the US and we stayed in (compared to where we live in the US) modest accommodations when visiting his family. It was a great trip because we went into town, sightseeing, out to shops and restaurants etc. If he told me it was dangerous to leave the house alone and also that he didn’t want to do anything it would have been miserable.

DP and I agree. I think some on this thread have missed, or intentionally ignored, what OP has said several times over, about how her DH and his family just do not and will not sightsee, shop, go to restaurants (the posters who keep insisting There! Are! Restaurants! refuse to get that this family doesn't like eating out at all). While OP isn't doing anything to expand her horizons there, neither are her in-laws and DH doing anyting to try to show her and the kids a good time beyond "Stay home and let extended family come visit." Of course this visit is to spend time with family, but having made dozens of trips to my DH's family overseas, I also know the feeling of "I'd like to shop, see a historic site, take the kids on an outing one day instead of staying home for/being hauled to relatives." Fortunately my in-laws always think ahead and plan some sightseeing and events to take in but sounds like OP's in-laws just "visit." And for an entire month, that gets wearing.

[Anonymous]

Imo your DH should be taking an active role in planning an enjoyable trip for his family. You don’t know the area or what to do. Does he? Can you make plans together? Can you take trips to other places with your immediate family? I don’t understand why he doesn’t seem invested in everyone having a good trip.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. This is the sword thing they use to cut vegetables. It's very neat! Now I hear the call to prayer. Time to wake up and start cooking pancakes. His family loves my pancakes 😆


https://youtu.be/2BF666PrWwY?si=8fZ1H60PeGAAD_DP

Lol. Op are you trolling us? That's the kind my grandmother and mother used to cut with. These days a lot of people know how to cut with a knife. I still remember my mom packing me one of those when I first came to the US 30+ years ago.

Why can't you just buy a knife there and use a flat stainless steel plate to cut in? Villages have knives too you know. About the hole in the ground I have no idea what you are talking about but looks like they use charcoal to cook too. You could use their pots to boil some food.

If your husband's family is poor, he should improve their living conditions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So she doesn't have access to washer and dryer and has young kids and is staying there for a month. That would be rough.

No warm running water. Rough

No heater. Rough

Her towel is probably not dry the next time she takes a shower because they don't have dryers available. The bath towels are also very different. They aren't fluffy like in the US. They are thin similar to using something thinner than a shirt to dry off.

I don't think op is dramatic for any of the above. Pretty much all Americans would have trouble with any of these. Most could do it for a week but a month would be hard.

Every household has maids to do laundry, cleaning and dishes. We always tip our family’s helpers generously when we visit for the extra work. Cooks can also be hired at affordable prices. An extra set of towels would solve the drying problem but unless it’s the monsoon clothes dry quickly outdoors. The local family should get space heaters if they are cold, there’s no excuse for that. The DH should be taking the lead on all these arrangements. OP’s problem is that the husband sounds like a dud.

Generalize much. You don't know what every household has in Bangladesh. Do they maids not have households? Do they also have maids? Even with a maid laundry takes a lot longer to do because they don't have dryers. Now it's winter there so clothes take longer to dry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oookay.

Consider talking to your husband when you come back. Let him know that you wish you were better prepared.

Having to bathe out of the bucket is not the end of the world. Not eating chicken nuggets is not the end of the world. Being constantly cold would be, so keep your list reasonable, and see how you can work around it, the next time you go. Maybe he goes first and you join him later, to keep your portion of the trip shorter. Tell him you want to see the country, not just sit at home. This will automatically get you to places where you will have access to different food, shopping, etc.

And unless you have very young kids, work on expanding their palate. There are things you can do here to make your next trip easier.

OP here. Have you done this for a MONTH? I think not. Our kids are very young, and we were advised that boxed food would be better. We all got super sick during the last trip. Please let me know what we can do to make our trip easier... I planned how to make this trip easier for months.. there is only so much you can do. His family doesn't live close to a big city.. there isn't a lot of shopping and restaurants around... going out to restaurants and using a supermarket is a newer concept here...

OP, you sounds really spoiled. You actually sound a lot like the "children of immigrant" american kids who go back to visit their parents home countries and then freak out at the differences.

I'm, one, by the way. I've used buckets to bathe for a month at a time. If you do it right, you actually get much, much cleaner than a typical shower. I agree that when it's cold, bukcet baths are harder.

It's all very good for your soul. You will survive. You may realize you need less.

You sound like some troll. OP is not spoiled to expect warm running water in her bathroom, and food that doesn’t make them sick and is available in sufficient amounts. You, PP, and OP’s DH all moved to the US to escape those awful conditions and now you act like people who expect ma minimum of comfort and hygiene are spoilt? Give me a break!

Thank you. Just love all the aunties sitting in their big US houses with showers and toilets and conveniences and safety critiscising and scolding someone who is having a tough time. That you wouldn't live in or go back to.

Who said we aunties wouldn't go back to visit? We do and become resourceful and teach our kids the same. My kids had only visited when they were little and didn't remember anything. Last year when we went in their teens it was a culture shock but they enjoyed attending events, adjusted for the most part, enjoyed the roadside sugarcane juice (take your own water), enjoyed shopping to a certain extent. We kept it short at 3 weeks. We had toilet not flushing issues and they learned to catch water in a small bucket and pour water into the bowl with force a few times. Bathing with a bucket and mug was not an issue. Most of all, they loved the food and the pampering.

What they hated was the bugs and lizards and lack of cleanliness. We stopped at a super market and got handsoaps (in an Indian village).

One of our longest trips back home, was after DH’s mom passed away. DD was 7. On the flight over, I told her that this trip would be different from the previous ones. She won’t have anyone catering to her, there won’t be any fun trips, going out to eat or visiting parks, and my expectation was that she will take care of herself with absolutely no fuss.

The house had been in some disrepair because MIL had been sick in the months leading to her death, so the water heaters weren’t working, birds had gotten in and pooped all over the place, the room air conditioners weren’t working, etc. She helped with cleaning up the bedroom and bathroom and changing sheets (did balk at lizard poop), took showers with no assistance or complaints, ate whatever was put in front of her (food is not cooked at home after a death, and this was not things she was used to, plus very spicy), entertained herself, and was generally so well behaved, even other people noticed.

My 7 year old showed better resilience than this grown woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Imo your DH should be taking an active role in planning an enjoyable trip for his family. You don’t know the area or what to do. Does he? Can you make plans together? Can you take trips to other places with your immediate family? I don’t understand why he doesn’t seem invested in everyone having a good trip.

Because that's an American viewpoint. He's there to see his family. It's also why OP is getting frustrated because she few up that way. He did not. Cultural difference. She needs to bend more towards the Bengali side and to do that for a month takes a sort of saint.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So she doesn't have access to washer and dryer and has young kids and is staying there for a month. That would be rough.

No warm running water. Rough

No heater. Rough

Her towel is probably not dry the next time she takes a shower because they don't have dryers available. The bath towels are also very different. They aren't fluffy like in the US. They are thin similar to using something thinner than a shirt to dry off.

I don't think op is dramatic for any of the above. Pretty much all Americans would have trouble with any of these. Most could do it for a week but a month would be hard.

Every household has maids to do laundry, cleaning and dishes. We always tip our family’s helpers generously when we visit for the extra work. Cooks can also be hired at affordable prices. An extra set of towels would solve the drying problem but unless it’s the monsoon clothes dry quickly outdoors. The local family should get space heaters if they are cold, there’s no excuse for that. The DH should be taking the lead on all these arrangements. OP’s problem is that the husband sounds like a dud.

Generalize much. You don't know what every household has in Bangladesh. Do they maids not have households? Do they also have maids? Even with a maid laundry takes a lot longer to do because they don't have dryers. Now it's winter there so clothes take longer to dry.

OP has said that the family has a maid. Laundry takes longer to dry in 70 degree weather, but it’s not like she has to lie down on the clothesline with the clothes to get them to dry. I’m willing to bet they have dhobis that will clean and press the clothes and return them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oookay.

Consider talking to your husband when you come back. Let him know that you wish you were better prepared.

Having to bathe out of the bucket is not the end of the world. Not eating chicken nuggets is not the end of the world. Being constantly cold would be, so keep your list reasonable, and see how you can work around it, the next time you go. Maybe he goes first and you join him later, to keep your portion of the trip shorter. Tell him you want to see the country, not just sit at home. This will automatically get you to places where you will have access to different food, shopping, etc.

And unless you have very young kids, work on expanding their palate. There are things you can do here to make your next trip easier.

OP here. Have you done this for a MONTH? I think not. Our kids are very young, and we were advised that boxed food would be better. We all got super sick during the last trip. Please let me know what we can do to make our trip easier... I planned how to make this trip easier for months.. there is only so much you can do. His family doesn't live close to a big city.. there isn't a lot of shopping and restaurants around... going out to restaurants and using a supermarket is a newer concept here...

OP, you sounds really spoiled. You actually sound a lot like the "children of immigrant" american kids who go back to visit their parents home countries and then freak out at the differences.

I'm, one, by the way. I've used buckets to bathe for a month at a time. If you do it right, you actually get much, much cleaner than a typical shower. I agree that when it's cold, bukcet baths are harder.

It's all very good for your soul. You will survive. You may realize you need less.

You sound like some troll. OP is not spoiled to expect warm running water in her bathroom, and food that doesn’t make them sick and is available in sufficient amounts. You, PP, and OP’s DH all moved to the US to escape those awful conditions and now you act like people who expect ma minimum of comfort and hygiene are spoilt? Give me a break!

Thank you. Just love all the aunties sitting in their big US houses with showers and toilets and conveniences and safety critiscising and scolding someone who is having a tough time. That you wouldn't live in or go back to.

Who said we aunties wouldn't go back to visit? We do and become resourceful and teach our kids the same. My kids had only visited when they were little and didn't remember anything. Last year when we went in their teens it was a culture shock but they enjoyed attending events, adjusted for the most part, enjoyed the roadside sugarcane juice (take your own water), enjoyed shopping to a certain extent. We kept it short at 3 weeks. We had toilet not flushing issues and they learned to catch water in a small bucket and pour water into the bowl with force a few times. Bathing with a bucket and mug was not an issue. Most of all, they loved the food and the pampering.

What they hated was the bugs and lizards and lack of cleanliness. We stopped at a super market and got handsoaps (in an Indian village).

One of our longest trips back home, was after DH’s mom passed away. DD was 7. On the flight over, I told her that this trip would be different from the previous ones. She won’t have anyone catering to her, there won’t be any fun trips, going out to eat or visiting parks, and my expectation was that she will take care of herself with absolutely no fuss.

The house had been in some disrepair because MIL had been sick in the months leading to her death, so the water heaters weren’t working, birds had gotten in and pooped all over the place, the room air conditioners weren’t working, etc. She helped with cleaning up the bedroom and bathroom and changing sheets (did balk at lizard poop), took showers with no assistance or complaints, ate whatever was put in front of her (food is not cooked at home after a death, and this was not things she was used to, plus very spicy), entertained herself, and was generally so well behaved, even other people noticed.

My 7 year old showed better resilience than this grown woman.

It's not like op is complaining to his family. She has her feelings and they are valid. It's an anonymous forum. Why are peoples comfort levels offensive. She's nothing the differences and getting home sick for her everyday comforts. It's human nature to compare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I visit India with my American spouse and our kids we are so busy with meeting family and friends, traveling and shopping that we barely have a moment to sit down. And we eat all the local food like there’s no tomorrow, with sensible precautions. We go for 2 weeks. A month would be heaven. I don’t think I’d be writing essays on DCUM.

It sounds like, from what OP is describing, her DH is strictly limiting how much they leave the house and isn’t going along with travel, food, shopping plans and she isn’t familiar enough with the area/doesn’t feel safe enough to do these things alone.

My DH isn’t from the US and we stayed in (compared to where we live in the US) modest accommodations when visiting his family. It was a great trip because we went into town, sightseeing, out to shops and restaurants etc. If he told me it was dangerous to leave the house alone and also that he didn’t want to do anything it would have been miserable.

DP and I agree. I think some on this thread have missed, or intentionally ignored, what OP has said several times over, about how her DH and his family just do not and will not sightsee, shop, go to restaurants (the posters who keep insisting There! Are! Restaurants! refuse to get that this family doesn't like eating out at all). While OP isn't doing anything to expand her horizons there, neither are her in-laws and DH doing anyting to try to show her and the kids a good time beyond "Stay home and let extended family come visit." Of course this visit is to spend time with family, but having made dozens of trips to my DH's family overseas, I also know the feeling of "I'd like to shop, see a historic site, take the kids on an outing one day instead of staying home for/being hauled to relatives." Fortunately my in-laws always think ahead and plan some sightseeing and events to take in but sounds like OP's in-laws just "visit." And for an entire month, that gets wearing.

While the ILs do sound like wet blankets, it also seems like their reluctance to go out and eat is because they’re concerned that OP and the kids will get sick from eating the outside food.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Pictures of the kitchen. I can take one of his house.

https://ibb.co/G2JDrbH
https://ibb.co/HNSKPsG
https://ibb.co/K2dtbM2

Wtf. Why did you say you cannot cook because it's a hole in the ground. They have a decent kitchen for a village house. And there is a vessel you can use for sauteing on that gas stove. You are a lazy troll OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oookay.

Consider talking to your husband when you come back. Let him know that you wish you were better prepared.

Having to bathe out of the bucket is not the end of the world. Not eating chicken nuggets is not the end of the world. Being constantly cold would be, so keep your list reasonable, and see how you can work around it, the next time you go. Maybe he goes first and you join him later, to keep your portion of the trip shorter. Tell him you want to see the country, not just sit at home. This will automatically get you to places where you will have access to different food, shopping, etc.

And unless you have very young kids, work on expanding their palate. There are things you can do here to make your next trip easier.

OP here. Have you done this for a MONTH? I think not. Our kids are very young, and we were advised that boxed food would be better. We all got super sick during the last trip. Please let me know what we can do to make our trip easier... I planned how to make this trip easier for months.. there is only so much you can do. His family doesn't live close to a big city.. there isn't a lot of shopping and restaurants around... going out to restaurants and using a supermarket is a newer concept here...

OP, you sounds really spoiled. You actually sound a lot like the "children of immigrant" american kids who go back to visit their parents home countries and then freak out at the differences.

I'm, one, by the way. I've used buckets to bathe for a month at a time. If you do it right, you actually get much, much cleaner than a typical shower. I agree that when it's cold, bukcet baths are harder.

It's all very good for your soul. You will survive. You may realize you need less.

You sound like some troll. OP is not spoiled to expect warm running water in her bathroom, and food that doesn’t make them sick and is available in sufficient amounts. You, PP, and OP’s DH all moved to the US to escape those awful conditions and now you act like people who expect ma minimum of comfort and hygiene are spoilt? Give me a break!

Thank you. Just love all the aunties sitting in their big US houses with showers and toilets and conveniences and safety critiscising and scolding someone who is having a tough time. That you wouldn't live in or go back to.

Who said we aunties wouldn't go back to visit? We do and become resourceful and teach our kids the same. My kids had only visited when they were little and didn't remember anything. Last year when we went in their teens it was a culture shock but they enjoyed attending events, adjusted for the most part, enjoyed the roadside sugarcane juice (take your own water), enjoyed shopping to a certain extent. We kept it short at 3 weeks. We had toilet not flushing issues and they learned to catch water in a small bucket and pour water into the bowl with force a few times. Bathing with a bucket and mug was not an issue. Most of all, they loved the food and the pampering.

What they hated was the bugs and lizards and lack of cleanliness. We stopped at a super market and got handsoaps (in an Indian village).

One of our longest trips back home, was after DH’s mom passed away. DD was 7. On the flight over, I told her that this trip would be different from the previous ones. She won’t have anyone catering to her, there won’t be any fun trips, going out to eat or visiting parks, and my expectation was that she will take care of herself with absolutely no fuss.

The house had been in some disrepair because MIL had been sick in the months leading to her death, so the water heaters weren’t working, birds had gotten in and pooped all over the place, the room air conditioners weren’t working, etc. She helped with cleaning up the bedroom and bathroom and changing sheets (did balk at lizard poop), took showers with no assistance or complaints, ate whatever was put in front of her (food is not cooked at home after a death, and this was not things she was used to, plus very spicy), entertained herself, and was generally so well behaved, even other people noticed.

My 7 year old showed better resilience than this grown woman.

It's not like op is complaining to his family. She has her feelings and they are valid. It's an anonymous forum. Why are peoples comfort levels offensive. She's nothing the differences and getting home sick for her everyday comforts. It's human nature to compare.

She could be problem solving instead of whining. She might be able to have a decent time if he did more of the former and less of the latter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Pictures of the kitchen. I can take one of his house.

https://ibb.co/G2JDrbH
https://ibb.co/HNSKPsG
https://ibb.co/K2dtbM2

Wtf. Why did you say you cannot cook because it's a hole in the ground. They have a decent kitchen for a village house. And there is a vessel you can use for sauteing on that gas stove. You are a lazy troll OP.

It's not decent enough for OP apparently. Maybe she doesn't want to be the one responsible for cooking for a whole month. Her dh doesn't cook. Maybe she doesn't feel comfortable in a different cooking environment. I don't like cooking in kitchens that aren't mine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oookay.

Consider talking to your husband when you come back. Let him know that you wish you were better prepared.

Having to bathe out of the bucket is not the end of the world. Not eating chicken nuggets is not the end of the world. Being constantly cold would be, so keep your list reasonable, and see how you can work around it, the next time you go. Maybe he goes first and you join him later, to keep your portion of the trip shorter. Tell him you want to see the country, not just sit at home. This will automatically get you to places where you will have access to different food, shopping, etc.

And unless you have very young kids, work on expanding their palate. There are things you can do here to make your next trip easier.

OP here. Have you done this for a MONTH? I think not. Our kids are very young, and we were advised that boxed food would be better. We all got super sick during the last trip. Please let me know what we can do to make our trip easier... I planned how to make this trip easier for months.. there is only so much you can do. His family doesn't live close to a big city.. there isn't a lot of shopping and restaurants around... going out to restaurants and using a supermarket is a newer concept here...

OP, you sounds really spoiled. You actually sound a lot like the "children of immigrant" american kids who go back to visit their parents home countries and then freak out at the differences.

I'm, one, by the way. I've used buckets to bathe for a month at a time. If you do it right, you actually get much, much cleaner than a typical shower. I agree that when it's cold, bukcet baths are harder.

It's all very good for your soul. You will survive. You may realize you need less.

You sound like some troll. OP is not spoiled to expect warm running water in her bathroom, and food that doesn’t make them sick and is available in sufficient amounts. You, PP, and OP’s DH all moved to the US to escape those awful conditions and now you act like people who expect ma minimum of comfort and hygiene are spoilt? Give me a break!

Thank you. Just love all the aunties sitting in their big US houses with showers and toilets and conveniences and safety critiscising and scolding someone who is having a tough time. That you wouldn't live in or go back to.

Who said we aunties wouldn't go back to visit? We do and become resourceful and teach our kids the same. My kids had only visited when they were little and didn't remember anything. Last year when we went in their teens it was a culture shock but they enjoyed attending events, adjusted for the most part, enjoyed the roadside sugarcane juice (take your own water), enjoyed shopping to a certain extent. We kept it short at 3 weeks. We had toilet not flushing issues and they learned to catch water in a small bucket and pour water into the bowl with force a few times. Bathing with a bucket and mug was not an issue. Most of all, they loved the food and the pampering.

What they hated was the bugs and lizards and lack of cleanliness. We stopped at a super market and got handsoaps (in an Indian village).

One of our longest trips back home, was after DH’s mom passed away. DD was 7. On the flight over, I told her that this trip would be different from the previous ones. She won’t have anyone catering to her, there won’t be any fun trips, going out to eat or visiting parks, and my expectation was that she will take care of herself with absolutely no fuss.

The house had been in some disrepair because MIL had been sick in the months leading to her death, so the water heaters weren’t working, birds had gotten in and pooped all over the place, the room air conditioners weren’t working, etc. She helped with cleaning up the bedroom and bathroom and changing sheets (did balk at lizard poop), took showers with no assistance or complaints, ate whatever was put in front of her (food is not cooked at home after a death, and this was not things she was used to, plus very spicy), entertained herself, and was generally so well behaved, even other people noticed.

My 7 year old showed better resilience than this grown woman.

It's not like op is complaining to his family. She has her feelings and they are valid. It's an anonymous forum. Why are peoples comfort levels offensive. She's nothing the differences and getting home sick for her everyday comforts. It's human nature to compare.

She could be problem solving instead of whining. She might be able to have a decent time if he did more of the former and less of the latter.

There is only so much you can do. She said his family loves the pancakes. People complain about being with their in laws for one day on thus forum all the time. She said it was a vent post. Move on and stop being offended just because you have background in that part of the world. There is a reason people immigrate to the US from those parts.

[Anonymous]

I would be breaking down op. Some posters are calling you spoiled but I think you are very strong. I still remember a time we lost hot water for a few days and feel stressed. It was horrible! And that is with the luxury of clean dry towels. To me a warm shower is as important to my functioning as good food and water. I would be feeling bad all over and you deserve a medal for lasting so long and keeping your complaints to strangers online. Of course they can handle this life because this is how they're raised. If we were raised differently we'd be able to handle those things. I'm sure some people cannot fathom how we Americans do many things others find uncomfortable. I think I'd have lost half my hair and fallen ill. The worst part of this is being across the world in another culture but only experiencing it from confined quarters and one family versus touring around and seeing all the culture. At least that way you'd have a reason to justify the hard living. No fun, no hot water, no change of food, no walks, no change of setting