I got an email telling me my daughter is a mean girl.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These replies illustrate why therapists never suggest sending an anonymous email to the mother of someone you want to address. Sender needs help. I hope sender gets it. Preferably from a therapist who will suggest constructive ways of framing and working through challenges.

I hope OP’s DD also gets the help she needs to work through what sounds like aggressive bullying behavior.

If it ends up being true, then yes. But troubled teen or adult may not be the best judge.

I really have a hard time believing there is NO truth to it because (1) this behavior is really not that uncommon generally, and (2) there is literally no benefit to the letter writer if it’s false, because it would be do easily disproven.

I also think it’s very telling that OP’s response has been to wonder if it could be true, at least in part. She’s the one who knows her DD. If her first instinct is that there could be something to this… there is probably something to it.

Another person who thinks that the moms convicted of harassing kids were justified and the kid victims deserved it. Remarkable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP someone went out of their way to send an anonymous email about your DD TO YOU. Why might that be the case? That’s certainly rare. I think your DD may not be as nice as you think she is.

This^

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had this happen to my son

I had a meeting with the boy, his mom, the school counselors and my son.

It went like this.

Counselor: Joe do you feel Rob excludes you on recess.
Joe: no Rob like soccer and football, I like to look for bugs.
Rob: I like to look for bugs would you like me to join you sometime
Joe: no not really

End of meeting.

Lol. Let me guess, Joe’s mom requested the meeting?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am still reading this thread and digesting things. I am not 100% sure what I intend to do, but I think I have settled on a couple things:

1. I am not responding to the email. I don’t see how any good can come of it under any scenario.
2. I am not going to the school. I don’t read the letter as threatening and in the absence of other information, I don’t see a reason to escalate yet. That could change. (FWIW, she goes to a public school).
3. I want to talk to my daughter. I still need to think this through more but I feel like we should talk about this at least generally.

I will say this, anyone who believes 17 year olds are over mean girl behavior and would not engage in ostracizing others is wrong. Some are still fully engage, but definitely to a lessor degree than when younger. I believe this, and I have seen it because I have a close group of sorority sisters from college and I have heard upsetting stories. I do not believe that is an indictment of my daughter, but I do not believe age alone absolves someone of being a mean girl (or person), which is why I am trying digest this instead of being reactionary (which I am inclined to do because I love my daughter and think she is a good person).

Agree with your strategy, except number 2. I would absolutely schedule a meeting and tell the school and even the police, for the following reasons

1. These anonymous letters (emails today), were called poison pens back in the day. They usually don’t stop at one letter, so you may receive another one, and it’s better to start a formal record should anything else happen.

2. There is a chance that the writer has targeted other students, and if so, your info would help. The school may already know about a student who has done this to others in the past.

3. There is a slight threat in the email (people won’t put up with her), which is hard to gauge.

4. Although the tone is that of a teenager, it very well could be a parent trying to seem like a student.

5. You can consider hiring an email tracing investigator to trace the email. There are not many email addresses that are truly anonymous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am still reading this thread and digesting things. I am not 100% sure what I intend to do, but I think I have settled on a couple things:

1. I am not responding to the email. I don’t see how any good can come of it under any scenario.
2. I am not going to the school. I don’t read the letter as threatening and in the absence of other information, I don’t see a reason to escalate yet. That could change. (FWIW, she goes to a public school).
3. I want to talk to my daughter. I still need to think this through more but I feel like we should talk about this at least generally.

I will say this, anyone who believes 17 year olds are over mean girl behavior and would not engage in ostracizing others is wrong. Some are still fully engage, but definitely to a lessor degree than when younger. I believe this, and I have seen it because I have a close group of sorority sisters from college and I have heard upsetting stories. I do not believe that is an indictment of my daughter, but I do not believe age alone absolves someone of being a mean girl (or person), which is why I am trying digest this instead of being reactionary (which I am inclined to do because I love my daughter and think she is a good person).

Agree with your strategy, except number 2. I would absolutely schedule a meeting and tell the school and even the police, for the following reasons

1. These anonymous letters (emails today), were called poison pens back in the day. They usually don’t stop at one letter, so you may receive another one, and it’s better to start a formal record should anything else happen.

2. There is a chance that the writer has targeted other students, and if so, your info would help. The school may already know about a student who has done this to others in the past.

3. There is a slight threat in the email (people won’t put up with her), which is hard to gauge.

4. Although the tone is that of a teenager, it very well could be a parent trying to seem like a student.

5. You can consider hiring an email tracing investigator to trace the email. There are not many email addresses that are truly anonymous.

Solid advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am still reading this thread and digesting things. I am not 100% sure what I intend to do, but I think I have settled on a couple things:

1. I am not responding to the email. I don’t see how any good can come of it under any scenario.
2. I am not going to the school. I don’t read the letter as threatening and in the absence of other information, I don’t see a reason to escalate yet. That could change. (FWIW, she goes to a public school).
3. I want to talk to my daughter. I still need to think this through more but I feel like we should talk about this at least generally.

I will say this, anyone who believes 17 year olds are over mean girl behavior and would not engage in ostracizing others is wrong. Some are still fully engage, but definitely to a lessor degree than when younger. I believe this, and I have seen it because I have a close group of sorority sisters from college and I have heard upsetting stories. I do not believe that is an indictment of my daughter, but I do not believe age alone absolves someone of being a mean girl (or person), which is why I am trying digest this instead of being reactionary (which I am inclined to do because I love my daughter and think she is a good person).

Agree with your strategy, except number 2. I would absolutely schedule a meeting and tell the school and even the police, for the following reasons

1. These anonymous letters (emails today), were called poison pens back in the day. They usually don’t stop at one letter, so you may receive another one, and it’s better to start a formal record should anything else happen.

2. There is a chance that the writer has targeted other students, and if so, your info would help. The school may already know about a student who has done this to others in the past.

3. There is a slight threat in the email (people won’t put up with her), which is hard to gauge.

4. Although the tone is that of a teenager, it very well could be a parent trying to seem like a student.

5. You can consider hiring an email tracing investigator to trace the email. There are not many email addresses that are truly anonymous.

Solid advice.

I totally agree with this advice. I think you should go to the school.

I posted earlier that I think the problematic person here is the email writer. Someone does something creepy and we assume the best of them and the worst of everyone else? No.

OP I think you are reasonable, loving, and not clueless. My read is that your daughter is not the problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am still reading this thread and digesting things. I am not 100% sure what I intend to do, but I think I have settled on a couple things:

1. I am not responding to the email. I don’t see how any good can come of it under any scenario.
2. I am not going to the school. I don’t read the letter as threatening and in the absence of other information, I don’t see a reason to escalate yet. That could change. (FWIW, she goes to a public school).
3. I want to talk to my daughter. I still need to think this through more but I feel like we should talk about this at least generally.

I will say this, anyone who believes 17 year olds are over mean girl behavior and would not engage in ostracizing others is wrong. Some are still fully engage, but definitely to a lessor degree than when younger. I believe this, and I have seen it because I have a close group of sorority sisters from college and I have heard upsetting stories. I do not believe that is an indictment of my daughter, but I do not believe age alone absolves someone of being a mean girl (or person), which is why I am trying digest this instead of being reactionary (which I am inclined to do because I love my daughter and think she is a good person).

Agree with your strategy, except number 2. I would absolutely schedule a meeting and tell the school and even the police, for the following reasons

1. These anonymous letters (emails today), were called poison pens back in the day. They usually don’t stop at one letter, so you may receive another one, and it’s better to start a formal record should anything else happen.

2. There is a chance that the writer has targeted other students, and if so, your info would help. The school may already know about a student who has done this to others in the past.

3. There is a slight threat in the email (people won’t put up with her), which is hard to gauge.

4. Although the tone is that of a teenager, it very well could be a parent trying to seem like a student.

5. You can consider hiring an email tracing investigator to trace the email. There are not many email addresses that are truly anonymous.

Solid advice.

100% agree. I would add two things: (1) talk to your kid about the content of the email and your plan to talk to the school so you are not going behind their back. And (2) If you think there could be a grain of truth to what the letter writer is saying, use your judgment about how you address it with your child. IMO you should generally trust your own child over an anonymous letter writer (unless your child gives you a reason not to). You, not DCUM, know your kid, you have observed them around their friends and siblings for 17 years, and you should be able to determine whether you need to discuss the alleged "mean" behavior with them or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Too funny. My kids were at a pumpkin patch (my teen with teens and 7 yo with her friends) and this Mom or Grandma and her crew came up to me and told me my little child was a bully and a mean girl. I was dumbfounded and shocked by someone having the audacity to come to me about my child. I asked my teen after they placed blame on my younger child to tell me what she saw and my teen said nothing. That was the first time I ever looked at my child as something besides an angel and occasional sassy pants. I later watched her as she and her crew shoved their way to the front of lines, kicked other girls off the rides so all of my my child's friends could get on with her and watched her sass another group of kids because my child said they got there first and it was their turn on this zipline thingy. It was an eye-opener. I felt bad but I sat my child down in time out, embarrassed her a little and told her that she was behaving badly and I did not like it. She no longer did that again with me but from time to time, I hear about it at school. She is just a strong queen bee type of girl who attracts a lot of friends or kids who like to be around her. I cannot be with her daily so it is what it is. You will have to kind of take this stance and ask her to make decisions on how she wants to be perceived.

It is what it is? No. She's just a queen bee type? No.

Parent your horrid child.

[Anonymous]

Reading through these replies, I’m curious:

Would those of you who find the email creepy/threatening/evidence of instability feel the same way if it was NOT anonymous?

Also curious if the equation changes if it was sent by a classmate or a parent, and whether it was sent to OP or to her DD.

I’ve just been surprised by how many posts seem to find the letter threatening or some kind of violation. I do think it’s unorthodox, but like OP, I don’t find it threatening and it reads like a desperate effort by a teenager to address a really upsetting situation. Not even saying I assume the letter is a definitive description of the situation (IME these situations rest a lot on individual interpretation and there are often no truly bad actors, just a series of poor choices). But I didn’t read it and think OP’s DD was in danger. At all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had this happen to my son

I had a meeting with the boy, his mom, the school counselors and my son.

It went like this.

Counselor: Joe do you feel Rob excludes you on recess.
Joe: no Rob like soccer and football, I like to look for bugs.
Rob: I like to look for bugs would you like me to join you sometime
Joe: no not really

End of meeting.

That isn't even remotely the same.
Someone would've had to have complained that they were being excluded, which is sounds like neither boy was.
What was the point of writing this??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow.

If I got this kind of an email, I would really err on the side of thinking it's true. Maybe that's wrong, but I would. What kid is going to go to those lengths to reach out to you with no good reason? How does a kid that age even get your email? They don't operate in the world of emails.

I would just be very transparent with my daughter and let her read it. And process it together and see what she says. Not in a...you're in trouble way...but let's talk way. If it's real, she should know and if someone would go to these lengths to send something untrue about her, she should also know and might have an idea who it is and then would interact with that person differently.

This post is perfection.
After reading the OP's initial post, I too was wondering how she should handle it, but after reading your response, I'm jumping on board with you, 100%.

[Anonymous]

Ignore it. Don't respond or react. If you kid is mean and you don't know it, you don't care so its not really an issue or they may be copying your behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Reading through these replies, I’m curious:

Would those of you who find the email creepy/threatening/evidence of instability feel the same way if it was NOT anonymous?

Also curious if the equation changes if it was sent by a classmate or a parent, and whether it was sent to OP or to her DD.

I’ve just been surprised by how many posts seem to find the letter threatening or some kind of violation. I do think it’s unorthodox, but like OP, I don’t find it threatening and it reads like a desperate effort by a teenager to address a really upsetting situation. Not even saying I assume the letter is a definitive description of the situation (IME these situations rest a lot on individual interpretation and there are often no truly bad actors, just a series of poor choices). But I didn’t read it and think OP’s DD was in danger. At all.

Pp from 12:20. In my opinion, it would not be creepy if it wasn’t anonymous. It would be in the range between helpful and intrusive depending on the context. The anonymous nature is concerning. Anonymous emails/letter writers choose to be anonymous because it gives them a position of power over the recipient. This is not equivalent to leaving a note on someone’s car, saying “you parked in two spots”. It’s a deliberate message from someone in the recipient’s circle of friends or acquaintances who knows specific details about them.

The idea that it could be a parent posing as a kid is disturbing as well. There’s a high chance this is a one off from a disgruntled teen who will never write anything again. But I think op should be prepared if it’s not the case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Reading through these replies, I’m curious:

Would those of you who find the email creepy/threatening/evidence of instability feel the same way if it was NOT anonymous?

Also curious if the equation changes if it was sent by a classmate or a parent, and whether it was sent to OP or to her DD.

I’ve just been surprised by how many posts seem to find the letter threatening or some kind of violation. I do think it’s unorthodox, but like OP, I don’t find it threatening and it reads like a desperate effort by a teenager to address a really upsetting situation. Not even saying I assume the letter is a definitive description of the situation (IME these situations rest a lot on individual interpretation and there are often no truly bad actors, just a series of poor choices). But I didn’t read it and think OP’s DD was in danger. At all.

Yes obviously the anonymity adds to the creepy factor. If it wasn't anonymous, it would depend on who it was from.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Reading through these replies, I’m curious:

Would those of you who find the email creepy/threatening/evidence of instability feel the same way if it was NOT anonymous?

Also curious if the equation changes if it was sent by a classmate or a parent, and whether it was sent to OP or to her DD.

I’ve just been surprised by how many posts seem to find the letter threatening or some kind of violation. I do think it’s unorthodox, but like OP, I don’t find it threatening and it reads like a desperate effort by a teenager to address a really upsetting situation. Not even saying I assume the letter is a definitive description of the situation (IME these situations rest a lot on individual interpretation and there are often no truly bad actors, just a series of poor choices). But I didn’t read it and think OP’s DD was in danger. At all.

I am one of the PPs who found the letter creepy and threatening.

If not anonymous and sent by a peer, no, I would not find it creepy or threatening. I would redirect to school counselors immediately and I’d talk with my daughter. I understand teens that are still learning and sometimes don’t know how to handle situations. My concern would be getting help for the other child and making sure my child was not bullying. A non-anonymous email like that from a child would not be creepy or threatening.

If not anonymous and sent by an adult (for instance mom of another girl), I would be very worried about DDs safety and consider it a threat, but not creepy in the same way (it is the anonymity that makes it creepy). I would be worried that she had run into a parent like the convicted moms linked earlier in this thread. The florid language combined with lack of specificity is very alarming coming from an adult. I would be taking steps to ensure my DDs safety.