I got an email telling me my daughter is a mean girl.

[Anonymous]

These replies illustrate why therapists never suggest sending an anonymous email to the mother of someone you want to address. Sender needs help. I hope sender gets it. Preferably from a therapist who will suggest constructive ways of framing and working through challenges.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am still reading this thread and digesting things. I am not 100% sure what I intend to do, but I think I have settled on a couple things:

1. I am not responding to the email. I don’t see how any good can come of it under any scenario.
2. I am not going to the school. I don’t read the letter as threatening and in the absence of other information, I don’t see a reason to escalate yet. That could change. (FWIW, she goes to a public school).
3. I want to talk to my daughter. I still need to think this through more but I feel like we should talk about this at least generally.

I will say this, anyone who believes 17 year olds are over mean girl behavior and would not engage in ostracizing others is wrong. Some are still fully engage, but definitely to a lessor degree than when younger. I believe this, and I have seen it because I have a close group of sorority sisters from college and I have heard upsetting stories. I do not believe that is an indictment of my daughter, but I do not believe age alone absolves someone of being a mean girl (or person), which is why I am trying digest this instead of being reactionary (which I am inclined to do because I love my daughter and think she is a good person).

OP, this sounds like a good way to handle. Appreciate how rational you are being, and not jumping to conclusions either way.

I agree with you on the age thing. I’ve seen grown women engage in worse mean girl behavior than I ever encountered as a teen. The gossiping/rumor mongering among some adult women is way worse, because the stakes are higher. I’ve heard women spread rumors about marital fidelity (“oh everyone knows her husband cheats”), job performance (“I heard she’s on thin ice at work”), and mental health (“she sees a therapist— she’s always been a little off”) — things that can harm not only other women but entire families. I’ve also seen aggressive exclusionary behavior in adults, things like inviting the entire street to a party except one family for some reason, or posting a million photos of a friend reunion on social media specifically because they know that one woman who isn’t included anymore will see and feel bad.

Point is, the idea that the behavior ends in middle school or just ceases to matter is not true. If it goes unchecked, my observation is that it escalates. At least in tweens and teens, the victims of mean girl behavior have the opportunity to move on and get a fresh start in college or adulthood. That’s not true when this behavior occurs among middle aged women. Better to address it now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am still reading this thread and digesting things. I am not 100% sure what I intend to do, but I think I have settled on a couple things:

1. I am not responding to the email. I don’t see how any good can come of it under any scenario.
2. I am not going to the school. I don’t read the letter as threatening and in the absence of other information, I don’t see a reason to escalate yet. That could change. (FWIW, she goes to a public school).
3. I want to talk to my daughter. I still need to think this through more but I feel like we should talk about this at least generally.

I will say this, anyone who believes 17 year olds are over mean girl behavior and would not engage in ostracizing others is wrong. Some are still fully engage, but definitely to a lessor degree than when younger. I believe this, and I have seen it because I have a close group of sorority sisters from college and I have heard upsetting stories. I do not believe that is an indictment of my daughter, but I do not believe age alone absolves someone of being a mean girl (or person), which is why I am trying digest this instead of being reactionary (which I am inclined to do because I love my daughter and think she is a good person).

I think you are on the right track here. I would 100% say do NOT respond to the email in anyway. If something happens later down the road, you are on record of having been notified of your teen's behavior.

I would talk to my kid - not in an accusatory way, but just a more general way. "I've been told there are some mean girl/bullying issues at school lately. Anything you've noticed?" and then just a reminder to be kind.

[Anonymous]

Even if it were “true” and people saw my 17 year old as a “mean girl,” I would not care. Get over it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:These replies illustrate why therapists never suggest sending an anonymous email to the mother of someone you want to address. Sender needs help. I hope sender gets it. Preferably from a therapist who will suggest constructive ways of framing and working through challenges.

I hope OP’s DD also gets the help she needs to work through what sounds like aggressive bullying behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Even if it were “true” and people saw my 17 year old as a “mean girl,” I would not care. Get over it.

You are trash.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Even if it were “true” and people saw my 17 year old as a “mean girl,” I would not care. Get over it.

You are trash.

They’re basically adults at that age & need to work through their own problems. In college nobody is going to give a crap if they’re being “excluded” or if someone didn’t say hi to them. Not everyone is going to like you in life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I received an (anonymous) email telling me my daughter is a mean girl. That she is gossipy, exclusionary and forces others to ostracize people she does not like. I am pretty sure the email was written by a peer based on the writing style and language.

How would you handle this? I don’t even know if this is real and telling my daughter about it could upset her. I do have not an inclination this is true, though I do know my daughter is popular and gets frustrated that there is an expectation she is everyone’s friend. But it’s also unsettling to get an email like this and the tenor of the email seemed sad and frustrated more than anything else, which makes my worry about the sender and what motivated this.

Is she conventionally beautiful? Are her friends?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These replies illustrate why therapists never suggest sending an anonymous email to the mother of someone you want to address. Sender needs help. I hope sender gets it. Preferably from a therapist who will suggest constructive ways of framing and working through challenges.

I hope OP’s DD also gets the help she needs to work through what sounds like aggressive bullying behavior.

If it ends up being true, then yes. But troubled teen or adult may not be the best judge.

[Anonymous]

OP, I would talk to your daughter about it, true or not. If true, you have a problem to address with her. If not true, you have a problem to address with her. The accusations are about her. Someone at her school is watching to see how she is reacting/responding to this. She needs to know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Even if it were “true” and people saw my 17 year old as a “mean girl,” I would not care. Get over it.

You are trash.

Ok but what would OP do about it? Put DD in time out? Force DD to invite the sender places? Get the guidance counselor to force change the lunch table setup?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These replies illustrate why therapists never suggest sending an anonymous email to the mother of someone you want to address. Sender needs help. I hope sender gets it. Preferably from a therapist who will suggest constructive ways of framing and working through challenges.

I hope OP’s DD also gets the help she needs to work through what sounds like aggressive bullying behavior.

If it ends up being true, then yes. But troubled teen or adult may not be the best judge.

I really have a hard time believing there is NO truth to it because (1) this behavior is really not that uncommon generally, and (2) there is literally no benefit to the letter writer if it’s false, because it would be do easily disproven.

I also think it’s very telling that OP’s response has been to wonder if it could be true, at least in part. She’s the one who knows her DD. If her first instinct is that there could be something to this… there is probably something to it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Even if it were “true” and people saw my 17 year old as a “mean girl,” I would not care. Get over it.

You are trash.

Ok but what would OP do about it? Put DD in time out? Force DD to invite the sender places? Get the guidance counselor to force change the lunch table setup?

If the DD is engaging in gossip, silent treatment (icing out friends when she’s mad at them), selective exclusion (I’m talking about using exclusion as a weapon to hurt friends or girls in her social circle, not simply choosing not yo be friends with certain people), ostracism, etc., then she needs to work through this behavior with parents and a therapist, and yes, it would be appropriate for her parents to restrict her social activities until she can demonstrate that she won’t behave this way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Even if it were “true” and people saw my 17 year old as a “mean girl,” I would not care. Get over it.

You are trash.

They’re basically adults at that age & need to work through their own problems. In college nobody is going to give a crap if they’re being “excluded” or if someone didn’t say hi to them. Not everyone is going to like you in life.

That’s not what the letter describes. It describes gossip and hanging up on targets (trying to convince groups to ostracize a specific person, like telling your close friends “we don’t talk to Larla anymore”). This is not about being friends with everyone or even being friendly. It’s about aggressive bullying behaviors.

Also, you don’t have to like everyone but if you are unable to get along well enough with classmates and coworkers that drama like this doesn’t result, you will have problems in life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Even if it were “true” and people saw my 17 year old as a “mean girl,” I would not care. Get over it.

You are trash.

They’re basically adults at that age & need to work through their own problems. In college nobody is going to give a crap if they’re being “excluded” or if someone didn’t say hi to them. Not everyone is going to like you in life.

That’s not what the letter describes. It describes gossip and hanging up on targets (trying to convince groups to ostracize a specific person, like telling your close friends “we don’t talk to Larla anymore”). This is not about being friends with everyone or even being friendly. It’s about aggressive bullying behaviors.

Also, you don’t have to like everyone but if you are unable to get along well enough with classmates and coworkers that drama like this doesn’t result, you will have problems in life.

^ ganging up, not hanging up