I got an email telling me my daughter is a mean girl.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Any high school girl who has a mom who reports that she is popular and frustrated that everyone wants to be her friend is absolutely a mean girl. Full stop. OP's daughter is most likely a problem and if I were OP, I would be getting to the bottom of it, because who wants to be on some crazy person's kill list because they decided to play reindeer games in high school? OP needs to teach her popular daughter how to be a kind and gracious person to everyone she is in a community with.

Best answer, right here

Why? I’ve been in this situation. It was exhausting. A lot of people who wanted to be friends had one-sided expectations. They’d get what they want out of the friendship, and they didn’t care if I was having an awful time or were tired or generally how I was feeling. It’s ok to be well-liked and have more people want to be friends than the other way around.

Oh you poor little mean girl. It was just so exhausting to say hi back to Larla and Larlo when they smile and wave in the hallway. You do not have to be friends with everyone, there is a difference between treating everyone kindly and being friends with everyone. I am someone who is considered "popular" in my community. I volunteer a lot, serve on PTA, I'm pretty social, and generally know most all of my neighbors. There are plenty of people I do not care much for, but I smile and wave at everyone, and when I see someone I don't want to chat with, I still smile and say "Hi Larla, I hope you're having a great day, see you around!"

It costs me nothing to do this sort of thing and making someone else feel seen and a part of the community at zero cost to me is absolutely worth it every single day.

[Anonymous]

Be thankful. You have a chance to save her from being mean and unhappy. But you better jump and do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those who are saying no big deal that the email was anonymous and how could you expect a teen to sign their name - if it’s so normal, how many times have you heard of this scenario? Receiving an anonymous email that maligns your kid is pretty damn unusual, and that’s why this discussion is 17 pages long. I’ve never personally heard of a similar situation other than in the news (jealous cheerleader mom, etc).

OP, I would treat the two issues separately. Whether your daughter was mean to other kids is one issue that you will have to work out with her. Receiving an anonymous email with a possible veiled threat is another issue. You may be reluctant to bring it up with the school because they might assume your daughter is guilty of being a bully from the contents of the email. But teachers who know her will know if this is true. And as a pp said, this might not be the first time this has happened.

Will also add that we all hope our kids would come to us, but there’s also the possibility that OP’s daughter has received anonymous messages preceding this, which supports OP’s intention to talk to her. That is what happened in the crazy cheerleader case in PA - a parent harassed the child first and then when the kid didn’t respond (I think), she moved on to the owners of the cheerleading gym and the parents.

I think it’s strange to focus on the very rare cases of a teen or parent if a teen getting violent instead of the near-ubiquitous presence of relational aggression (“mean girl” behavior) in schools. I agree with the PP who suggested some of you watch too much Lifetime. Odds are very good this is just about run of the mill gossip/exclusion, not some vengeant cheerleader.

What about the very rare case of an anonymous email? I have received exactly 0 of these that were not spam in my life.

While anonymous emails are unusual, I don't automatically associate them with stalking or threats (and don't think this one contains a threat). I have sent two anonymous emails in my life, and both were to report a concerning behavior or activity committed by someone I knew would retaliate against me if I attached my name. One was sent to a former employer, and one to a local news agency. In one case nothing came of it, in the other, someone was arrested. No regrets about sending either one -- it was better than staying silent, even though I did not have the courage to attach my name to the allegation.

I totally knew it that the people defending the letter sender and telling OP to believe it are anonymous letter senders themselves who are mad that the rest of us see anonymous letters as creepy and threatening behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those who are saying no big deal that the email was anonymous and how could you expect a teen to sign their name - if it’s so normal, how many times have you heard of this scenario? Receiving an anonymous email that maligns your kid is pretty damn unusual, and that’s why this discussion is 17 pages long. I’ve never personally heard of a similar situation other than in the news (jealous cheerleader mom, etc).

OP, I would treat the two issues separately. Whether your daughter was mean to other kids is one issue that you will have to work out with her. Receiving an anonymous email with a possible veiled threat is another issue. You may be reluctant to bring it up with the school because they might assume your daughter is guilty of being a bully from the contents of the email. But teachers who know her will know if this is true. And as a pp said, this might not be the first time this has happened.

Will also add that we all hope our kids would come to us, but there’s also the possibility that OP’s daughter has received anonymous messages preceding this, which supports OP’s intention to talk to her. That is what happened in the crazy cheerleader case in PA - a parent harassed the child first and then when the kid didn’t respond (I think), she moved on to the owners of the cheerleading gym and the parents.

I think it’s strange to focus on the very rare cases of a teen or parent if a teen getting violent instead of the near-ubiquitous presence of relational aggression (“mean girl” behavior) in schools. I agree with the PP who suggested some of you watch too much Lifetime. Odds are very good this is just about run of the mill gossip/exclusion, not some vengeant cheerleader.

What about the very rare case of an anonymous email? I have received exactly 0 of these that were not spam in my life.

While anonymous emails are unusual, I don't automatically associate them with stalking or threats (and don't think this one contains a threat). I have sent two anonymous emails in my life, and both were to report a concerning behavior or activity committed by someone I knew would retaliate against me if I attached my name. One was sent to a former employer, and one to a local news agency. In one case nothing came of it, in the other, someone was arrested. No regrets about sending either one -- it was better than staying silent, even though I did not have the courage to attach my name to the allegation.

I suppose that’s why our perspectives are so different. I have sent exactly 0. https://www.seattletimes.com/life/lifestyle/anonymous-note-not-best-way-to-break-the-news/

+1

I have never sent an anonymous letter and never would. That’s the domain of creepers and trolls.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Any high school girl who has a mom who reports that she is popular and frustrated that everyone wants to be her friend is absolutely a mean girl. Full stop. OP's daughter is most likely a problem and if I were OP, I would be getting to the bottom of it, because who wants to be on some crazy person's kill list because they decided to play reindeer games in high school? OP needs to teach her popular daughter how to be a kind and gracious person to everyone she is in a community with.

Best answer, right here

Why? I’ve been in this situation. It was exhausting. A lot of people who wanted to be friends had one-sided expectations. They’d get what they want out of the friendship, and they didn’t care if I was having an awful time or were tired or generally how I was feeling. It’s ok to be well-liked and have more people want to be friends than the other way around.

Oh you poor little mean girl. It was just so exhausting to say hi back to Larla and Larlo when they smile and wave in the hallway. You do not have to be friends with everyone, there is a difference between treating everyone kindly and being friends with everyone. I am someone who is considered "popular" in my community. I volunteer a lot, serve on PTA, I'm pretty social, and generally know most all of my neighbors. There are plenty of people I do not care much for, but I smile and wave at everyone, and when I see someone I don't want to chat with, I still smile and say "Hi Larla, I hope you're having a great day, see you around!"

It costs me nothing to do this sort of thing and making someone else feel seen and a part of the community at zero cost to me is absolutely worth it every single day.

Well, I think we share the same beliefs, which is to smile and wave in the community but to be more selective about friends, but the way you expressed this was quite mean.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those who are saying no big deal that the email was anonymous and how could you expect a teen to sign their name - if it’s so normal, how many times have you heard of this scenario? Receiving an anonymous email that maligns your kid is pretty damn unusual, and that’s why this discussion is 17 pages long. I’ve never personally heard of a similar situation other than in the news (jealous cheerleader mom, etc).

OP, I would treat the two issues separately. Whether your daughter was mean to other kids is one issue that you will have to work out with her. Receiving an anonymous email with a possible veiled threat is another issue. You may be reluctant to bring it up with the school because they might assume your daughter is guilty of being a bully from the contents of the email. But teachers who know her will know if this is true. And as a pp said, this might not be the first time this has happened.

Will also add that we all hope our kids would come to us, but there’s also the possibility that OP’s daughter has received anonymous messages preceding this, which supports OP’s intention to talk to her. That is what happened in the crazy cheerleader case in PA - a parent harassed the child first and then when the kid didn’t respond (I think), she moved on to the owners of the cheerleading gym and the parents.

I think it’s strange to focus on the very rare cases of a teen or parent if a teen getting violent instead of the near-ubiquitous presence of relational aggression (“mean girl” behavior) in schools. I agree with the PP who suggested some of you watch too much Lifetime. Odds are very good this is just about run of the mill gossip/exclusion, not some vengeant cheerleader.

What about the very rare case of an anonymous email? I have received exactly 0 of these that were not spam in my life.

While anonymous emails are unusual, I don't automatically associate them with stalking or threats (and don't think this one contains a threat). I have sent two anonymous emails in my life, and both were to report a concerning behavior or activity committed by someone I knew would retaliate against me if I attached my name. One was sent to a former employer, and one to a local news agency. In one case nothing came of it, in the other, someone was arrested. No regrets about sending either one -- it was better than staying silent, even though I did not have the courage to attach my name to the allegation.

This sounds like whistleblowing, which is a different scenario than op describes. Causing someone to be arrested is a serious repercussion and you must have been required to identify yourself to authorities if your information was vital to incriminating them. Sending anonymous messages outside of whistleblowing is unusual.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those who are saying no big deal that the email was anonymous and how could you expect a teen to sign their name - if it’s so normal, how many times have you heard of this scenario? Receiving an anonymous email that maligns your kid is pretty damn unusual, and that’s why this discussion is 17 pages long. I’ve never personally heard of a similar situation other than in the news (jealous cheerleader mom, etc).

OP, I would treat the two issues separately. Whether your daughter was mean to other kids is one issue that you will have to work out with her. Receiving an anonymous email with a possible veiled threat is another issue. You may be reluctant to bring it up with the school because they might assume your daughter is guilty of being a bully from the contents of the email. But teachers who know her will know if this is true. And as a pp said, this might not be the first time this has happened.

Will also add that we all hope our kids would come to us, but there’s also the possibility that OP’s daughter has received anonymous messages preceding this, which supports OP’s intention to talk to her. That is what happened in the crazy cheerleader case in PA - a parent harassed the child first and then when the kid didn’t respond (I think), she moved on to the owners of the cheerleading gym and the parents.

I think it’s strange to focus on the very rare cases of a teen or parent if a teen getting violent instead of the near-ubiquitous presence of relational aggression (“mean girl” behavior) in schools. I agree with the PP who suggested some of you watch too much Lifetime. Odds are very good this is just about run of the mill gossip/exclusion, not some vengeant cheerleader.

What about the very rare case of an anonymous email? I have received exactly 0 of these that were not spam in my life.

While anonymous emails are unusual, I don't automatically associate them with stalking or threats (and don't think this one contains a threat). I have sent two anonymous emails in my life, and both were to report a concerning behavior or activity committed by someone I knew would retaliate against me if I attached my name. One was sent to a former employer, and one to a local news agency. In one case nothing came of it, in the other, someone was arrested. No regrets about sending either one -- it was better than staying silent, even though I did not have the courage to attach my name to the allegation.

This sounds like whistleblowing, which is a different scenario than op describes. Causing someone to be arrested is a serious repercussion and you must have been required to identify yourself to authorities if your information was vital to incriminating them. Sending anonymous messages outside of whistleblowing is unusual.

Pp. I now recall that I have also sent 2 anonymous emails as well. Both to newspapers giving them a story tip. Again, it’s not the same thing as op describes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow.

If I got this kind of an email, I would really err on the side of thinking it's true. Maybe that's wrong, but I would. What kid is going to go to those lengths to reach out to you with no good reason? How does a kid that age even get your email? They don't operate in the world of emails.

I would just be very transparent with my daughter and let her read it. And process it together and see what she says. Not in a...you're in trouble way...but let's talk way. If it's real, she should know and if someone would go to these lengths to send something untrue about her, she should also know and might have an idea who it is and then would interact with that person differently.

+1. I wish my daughter had written such a letter. She was bullied to death by the girls in her private. Of course we complained and gave the school a full year to deal it. It didn’t and we voted with our feet. I could not the mother myself because se of school politics and issues. yes tried teachers too, both DW and o did

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow.

If I got this kind of an email, I would really err on the side of thinking it's true. Maybe that's wrong, but I would. What kid is going to go to those lengths to reach out to you with no good reason? How does a kid that age even get your email? They don't operate in the world of emails.

I would just be very transparent with my daughter and let her read it. And process it together and see what she says. Not in a...you're in trouble way...but let's talk way. If it's real, she should know and if someone would go to these lengths to send something untrue about her, she should also know and might have an idea who it is and then would interact with that person differently.

Wow, me too!

I mean, let’s think about it. It’s from a complete stranger, but I know it must be a sweet innocent kid, because, gosh, it really really really sounds like a kid wrote it. I’m sure they had the best intentions, but they were just being shy about saying their name. I guess you could argue that I should also consider the opinion of my daughter, who I know in real life, but I don’t know, strangers on the internet are pretty trustworthy if you know what I mean. I have a STRONG gut reaction about this, and trust me, you don’t know me at all, lolz, but my gut is never wrong. I mean, that Nigerian prince that I sent my daughter’s 529 savings to didn’t ACTUALLY end up being a Nigerian prince, but looking back, I guess I was probably a wee bit gullible. I’m much wiser now. I just narrowly escaped being JAILED for skipping jury duty, but fortunately that nice sheriff emailed me and told that if I sent him $1000 in target gift cards, I would be exonerated. WHEW. Anyways, what were we talking about? Oh, right - how it’s good to believe strangers on the internet. Yes, I completely agree with you. I’m with you one HUNDO. I would trust this anonymous writer as well. I should probably just send them my ssn and birthdate while I’m at it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow.

If I got this kind of an email, I would really err on the side of thinking it's true. Maybe that's wrong, but I would. What kid is going to go to those lengths to reach out to you with no good reason? How does a kid that age even get your email? They don't operate in the world of emails.

I would just be very transparent with my daughter and let her read it. And process it together and see what she says. Not in a...you're in trouble way...but let's talk way. If it's real, she should know and if someone would go to these lengths to send something untrue about her, she should also know and might have an idea who it is and then would interact with that person differently.

Wow, me too!

I mean, let’s think about it. It’s from a complete stranger, but I know it must be a sweet innocent kid, because, gosh, it really really really sounds like a kid wrote it. I’m sure they had the best intentions, but they were just being shy about saying their name. I guess you could argue that I should also consider the opinion of my daughter, who I know in real life, but I don’t know, strangers on the internet are pretty trustworthy if you know what I mean. I have a STRONG gut reaction about this, and trust me, you don’t know me at all, lolz, but my gut is never wrong. I mean, that Nigerian prince that I sent my daughter’s 529 savings to didn’t ACTUALLY end up being a Nigerian prince, but looking back, I guess I was probably a wee bit gullible. I’m much wiser now. I just narrowly escaped being JAILED for skipping jury duty, but fortunately that nice sheriff emailed me and told that if I sent him $1000 in target gift cards, I would be exonerated. WHEW. Anyways, what were we talking about? Oh, right - how it’s good to believe strangers on the internet. Yes, I completely agree with you. I’m with you one HUNDO. I would trust this anonymous writer as well. I should probably just send them my ssn and birthdate while I’m at it.

Because reminding your child to be courteous and kind is as hazardous as giving your life savings to a stranger?

[Anonymous]

My guess is the Anonymous email came from a mean girl. Don't give an anonymous person any control over your life or your daughters.

[Anonymous]

In my opinion, I would live laugh love and tell the person that emailed me to go f themselves.

[Anonymous]

Did OP ever come back to tell us what she ended up doing? Or did all the nasty people on here scare her away?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow.

If I got this kind of an email, I would really err on the side of thinking it's true. Maybe that's wrong, but I would. What kid is going to go to those lengths to reach out to you with no good reason? How does a kid that age even get your email? They don't operate in the world of emails.

I would just be very transparent with my daughter and let her read it. And process it together and see what she says. Not in a...you're in trouble way...but let's talk way. If it's real, she should know and if someone would go to these lengths to send something untrue about her, she should also know and might have an idea who it is and then would interact with that person differently.

+1. I wish my daughter had written such a letter. She was bullied to death by the girls in her private. Of course we complained and gave the school a full year to deal it. It didn’t and we voted with our feet. I could not the mother myself because se of school politics and issues. yes tried teachers too, both DW and o did

Seconding this. Even in public schools, parents have very little recourse when the kids are bullied. The school says, we’ll handle it. They dont, or they attempt some foolish restorative justice where both kids have to apologize, even if the kid being tortured did nothing to deserve it. Ive tried contacting parents— over my kids’ strong objections— and had mixed to poor results. Usually the mean girl hides this behavior from her parents who cannot believe she could be capable of such evil deeds. Other times the girl straight up lies. And often, the kid comes back and taunts their victim even more cruelly for having “told”. These are all of course such predictable outcomes. I dont blame the girl at all for sending you the note. I hope it took some weight off your chest. And whatever you do as the mom of the mean girl is up to you, but you can’t unknow this information— how her peers perceive her.

Are we reading the same discussion? There's no evidence that this girl who wrote the email was 1. a girl, 2. telling the truth, 3. not being malicious themselves. I could also hypothesize that the writer is a girl whose boyfriend broke up with her to pursue OP's daughter. Or a mom who resents the daughter for taking a spot on the soccer team over her own daughter. Or the brainchild of a group of actual mean girls who just want to stir the pot.

And please check yourself if you actually wish your own daughters had written an anonymous note to a parent. Most people on this planet wouldn't stoop so low. Imagine how you would feel if you received an email out of the blue accusing your own daughters of being racist/bullies etc. Arguing that it's no worse than the bullying that your daughters were subjected to, is a weak argument that just puts you down in the dirt with the bullies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow.

If I got this kind of an email, I would really err on the side of thinking it's true. Maybe that's wrong, but I would. What kid is going to go to those lengths to reach out to you with no good reason? How does a kid that age even get your email? They don't operate in the world of emails.

I would just be very transparent with my daughter and let her read it. And process it together and see what she says. Not in a...you're in trouble way...but let's talk way. If it's real, she should know and if someone would go to these lengths to send something untrue about her, she should also know and might have an idea who it is and then would interact with that person differently.

+1. I wish my daughter had written such a letter. She was bullied to death by the girls in her private. Of course we complained and gave the school a full year to deal it. It didn’t and we voted with our feet. I could not the mother myself because se of school politics and issues. yes tried teachers too, both DW and o did

Seconding this. Even in public schools, parents have very little recourse when the kids are bullied. The school says, we’ll handle it. They dont, or they attempt some foolish restorative justice where both kids have to apologize, even if the kid being tortured did nothing to deserve it. Ive tried contacting parents— over my kids’ strong objections— and had mixed to poor results. Usually the mean girl hides this behavior from her parents who cannot believe she could be capable of such evil deeds. Other times the girl straight up lies. And often, the kid comes back and taunts their victim even more cruelly for having “told”. These are all of course such predictable outcomes. I dont blame the girl at all for sending you the note. I hope it took some weight off your chest. And whatever you do as the mom of the mean girl is up to you, but you can’t unknow this information— how her peers perceive her.

Are we reading the same discussion? There's no evidence that this girl who wrote the email was 1. a girl, 2. telling the truth, 3. not being malicious themselves. I could also hypothesize that the writer is a girl whose boyfriend broke up with her to pursue OP's daughter. Or a mom who resents the daughter for taking a spot on the soccer team over her own daughter. Or the brainchild of a group of actual mean girls who just want to stir the pot.

And please check yourself if you actually wish your own daughters had written an anonymous note to a parent. Most people on this planet wouldn't stoop so low. Imagine how you would feel if you received an email out of the blue accusing your own daughters of being racist/bullies etc. Arguing that it's no worse than the bullying that your daughters were subjected to, is a weak argument that just puts you down in the dirt with the bullies.

+1