I got an email telling me my daughter is a mean girl.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For those who are saying no big deal that the email was anonymous and how could you expect a teen to sign their name - if it’s so normal, how many times have you heard of this scenario? Receiving an anonymous email that maligns your kid is pretty damn unusual, and that’s why this discussion is 17 pages long. I’ve never personally heard of a similar situation other than in the news (jealous cheerleader mom, etc).

OP, I would treat the two issues separately. Whether your daughter was mean to other kids is one issue that you will have to work out with her. Receiving an anonymous email with a possible veiled threat is another issue. You may be reluctant to bring it up with the school because they might assume your daughter is guilty of being a bully from the contents of the email. But teachers who know her will know if this is true. And as a pp said, this might not be the first time this has happened.

Will also add that we all hope our kids would come to us, but there’s also the possibility that OP’s daughter has received anonymous messages preceding this, which supports OP’s intention to talk to her. That is what happened in the crazy cheerleader case in PA - a parent harassed the child first and then when the kid didn’t respond (I think), she moved on to the owners of the cheerleading gym and the parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those of you who don’t find this creepy/threatening, how old is your oldest child?

My theory is that those of you who don’t see the creepy/threat factor have kids who are middle school aged and younger and don’t have older teens.

My daughter is in college. While thankfully she didn’t get caught up in this stuff much in HS, I heard about it and knew girls who were. I don’t personally find the letter threatening. I basically agree with OP’s take.

Your daughter didn’t get caught up with this stuff, but I’m assuming your reply means that you heard about other parents receiving emails from anonymous people like OP’s situation. What happened in those cases? Did they ever find out who sent the emails or letters?

I never heard of an email like this but I heard enough about some of the cruel behavior between girls to have not been surprised if such an email were sent as a result. Some of the behavior is vicious and these girls are young. Ideally they have supportive parents who can help them through it, but some kids don’t. I could see a kid who had been ostracized and felt alone sending a letter like this. I’m thinking specifically if something that happened in one of DD’s sports that was really awful— a sophomore made a varsity squad and got a very harsh reception from several seniors that was pretty awful when it came out.

Some kids don’t have allies or advocates when they need them. I could see a kid like that taking matters in her own hands. I actually think there is something admirable about trying to take action— it shows a will to stand up for herself, even if this isn’t the most effective way to do it. Just my two cents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those who are saying no big deal that the email was anonymous and how could you expect a teen to sign their name - if it’s so normal, how many times have you heard of this scenario? Receiving an anonymous email that maligns your kid is pretty damn unusual, and that’s why this discussion is 17 pages long. I’ve never personally heard of a similar situation other than in the news (jealous cheerleader mom, etc).

OP, I would treat the two issues separately. Whether your daughter was mean to other kids is one issue that you will have to work out with her. Receiving an anonymous email with a possible veiled threat is another issue. You may be reluctant to bring it up with the school because they might assume your daughter is guilty of being a bully from the contents of the email. But teachers who know her will know if this is true. And as a pp said, this might not be the first time this has happened.

Will also add that we all hope our kids would come to us, but there’s also the possibility that OP’s daughter has received anonymous messages preceding this, which supports OP’s intention to talk to her. That is what happened in the crazy cheerleader case in PA - a parent harassed the child first and then when the kid didn’t respond (I think), she moved on to the owners of the cheerleading gym and the parents.

I think it’s strange to focus on the very rare cases of a teen or parent if a teen getting violent instead of the near-ubiquitous presence of relational aggression (“mean girl” behavior) in schools. I agree with the PP who suggested some of you watch too much Lifetime. Odds are very good this is just about run of the mill gossip/exclusion, not some vengeant cheerleader.

[Anonymous]

"someday people won't put up with it"

How does that not freak you out?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those of you who don’t find this creepy/threatening, how old is your oldest child?

My theory is that those of you who don’t see the creepy/threat factor have kids who are middle school aged and younger and don’t have older teens.

My daughter is in college. While thankfully she didn’t get caught up in this stuff much in HS, I heard about it and knew girls who were. I don’t personally find the letter threatening. I basically agree with OP’s take.

Your daughter didn’t get caught up with this stuff, but I’m assuming your reply means that you heard about other parents receiving emails from anonymous people like OP’s situation. What happened in those cases? Did they ever find out who sent the emails or letters?

I never heard of an email like this but I heard enough about some of the cruel behavior between girls to have not been surprised if such an email were sent as a result. Some of the behavior is vicious and these girls are young. Ideally they have supportive parents who can help them through it, but some kids don’t. I could see a kid who had been ostracized and felt alone sending a letter like this. I’m thinking specifically if something that happened in one of DD’s sports that was really awful— a sophomore made a varsity squad and got a very harsh reception from several seniors that was pretty awful when it came out.

Some kids don’t have allies or advocates when they need them. I could see a kid like that taking matters in her own hands. I actually think there is something admirable about trying to take action— it shows a will to stand up for herself, even if this isn’t the most effective way to do it. Just my two cents.

Thanks for your reply. I agree, there is reprehensible behavior out there. But I was asking specifically if you have had experience of people receiving anonymous emails/notes/texts. I find that people are jumping to conclusions about what has happened. The only thing we know to be true is that OP received an anonymous note from someone who giving her daughter a warning or reprimand or both. That is very unusual behavior and I haven’t heard anyone here who has experienced the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those who are saying no big deal that the email was anonymous and how could you expect a teen to sign their name - if it’s so normal, how many times have you heard of this scenario? Receiving an anonymous email that maligns your kid is pretty damn unusual, and that’s why this discussion is 17 pages long. I’ve never personally heard of a similar situation other than in the news (jealous cheerleader mom, etc).

OP, I would treat the two issues separately. Whether your daughter was mean to other kids is one issue that you will have to work out with her. Receiving an anonymous email with a possible veiled threat is another issue. You may be reluctant to bring it up with the school because they might assume your daughter is guilty of being a bully from the contents of the email. But teachers who know her will know if this is true. And as a pp said, this might not be the first time this has happened.

Will also add that we all hope our kids would come to us, but there’s also the possibility that OP’s daughter has received anonymous messages preceding this, which supports OP’s intention to talk to her. That is what happened in the crazy cheerleader case in PA - a parent harassed the child first and then when the kid didn’t respond (I think), she moved on to the owners of the cheerleading gym and the parents.

I think it’s strange to focus on the very rare cases of a teen or parent if a teen getting violent instead of the near-ubiquitous presence of relational aggression (“mean girl” behavior) in schools. I agree with the PP who suggested some of you watch too much Lifetime. Odds are very good this is just about run of the mill gossip/exclusion, not some vengeant cheerleader.

What about the very rare case of an anonymous email? I have received exactly 0 of these that were not spam in my life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those who are saying no big deal that the email was anonymous and how could you expect a teen to sign their name - if it’s so normal, how many times have you heard of this scenario? Receiving an anonymous email that maligns your kid is pretty damn unusual, and that’s why this discussion is 17 pages long. I’ve never personally heard of a similar situation other than in the news (jealous cheerleader mom, etc).

OP, I would treat the two issues separately. Whether your daughter was mean to other kids is one issue that you will have to work out with her. Receiving an anonymous email with a possible veiled threat is another issue. You may be reluctant to bring it up with the school because they might assume your daughter is guilty of being a bully from the contents of the email. But teachers who know her will know if this is true. And as a pp said, this might not be the first time this has happened.

Will also add that we all hope our kids would come to us, but there’s also the possibility that OP’s daughter has received anonymous messages preceding this, which supports OP’s intention to talk to her. That is what happened in the crazy cheerleader case in PA - a parent harassed the child first and then when the kid didn’t respond (I think), she moved on to the owners of the cheerleading gym and the parents.

I think it’s strange to focus on the very rare cases of a teen or parent if a teen getting violent instead of the near-ubiquitous presence of relational aggression (“mean girl” behavior) in schools. I agree with the PP who suggested some of you watch too much Lifetime. Odds are very good this is just about run of the mill gossip/exclusion, not some vengeant cheerleader.

What about the very rare case of an anonymous email? I have received exactly 0 of these that were not spam in my life.

While anonymous emails are unusual, I don't automatically associate them with stalking or threats (and don't think this one contains a threat). I have sent two anonymous emails in my life, and both were to report a concerning behavior or activity committed by someone I knew would retaliate against me if I attached my name. One was sent to a former employer, and one to a local news agency. In one case nothing came of it, in the other, someone was arrested. No regrets about sending either one -- it was better than staying silent, even though I did not have the courage to attach my name to the allegation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those who are saying no big deal that the email was anonymous and how could you expect a teen to sign their name - if it’s so normal, how many times have you heard of this scenario? Receiving an anonymous email that maligns your kid is pretty damn unusual, and that’s why this discussion is 17 pages long. I’ve never personally heard of a similar situation other than in the news (jealous cheerleader mom, etc).

OP, I would treat the two issues separately. Whether your daughter was mean to other kids is one issue that you will have to work out with her. Receiving an anonymous email with a possible veiled threat is another issue. You may be reluctant to bring it up with the school because they might assume your daughter is guilty of being a bully from the contents of the email. But teachers who know her will know if this is true. And as a pp said, this might not be the first time this has happened.

Will also add that we all hope our kids would come to us, but there’s also the possibility that OP’s daughter has received anonymous messages preceding this, which supports OP’s intention to talk to her. That is what happened in the crazy cheerleader case in PA - a parent harassed the child first and then when the kid didn’t respond (I think), she moved on to the owners of the cheerleading gym and the parents.

I think it’s strange to focus on the very rare cases of a teen or parent if a teen getting violent instead of the near-ubiquitous presence of relational aggression (“mean girl” behavior) in schools. I agree with the PP who suggested some of you watch too much Lifetime. Odds are very good this is just about run of the mill gossip/exclusion, not some vengeant cheerleader.

What about the very rare case of an anonymous email? I have received exactly 0 of these that were not spam in my life.

While anonymous emails are unusual, I don't automatically associate them with stalking or threats (and don't think this one contains a threat). I have sent two anonymous emails in my life, and both were to report a concerning behavior or activity committed by someone I knew would retaliate against me if I attached my name. One was sent to a former employer, and one to a local news agency. In one case nothing came of it, in the other, someone was arrested. No regrets about sending either one -- it was better than staying silent, even though I did not have the courage to attach my name to the allegation.

I suppose that’s why our perspectives are so different. I have sent exactly 0. https://www.seattletimes.com/life/lifestyle/anonymous-note-not-best-way-to-break-the-news/

[Anonymous]

Any high school girl who has a mom who reports that she is popular and frustrated that everyone wants to be her friend is absolutely a mean girl. Full stop. OP's daughter is most likely a problem and if I were OP, I would be getting to the bottom of it, because who wants to be on some crazy person's kill list because they decided to play reindeer games in high school? OP needs to teach her popular daughter how to be a kind and gracious person to everyone she is in a community with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Any high school girl who has a mom who reports that she is popular and frustrated that everyone wants to be her friend is absolutely a mean girl. Full stop. OP's daughter is most likely a problem and if I were OP, I would be getting to the bottom of it, because who wants to be on some crazy person's kill list because they decided to play reindeer games in high school? OP needs to teach her popular daughter how to be a kind and gracious person to everyone she is in a community with.

Best answer, right here

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Any high school girl who has a mom who reports that she is popular and frustrated that everyone wants to be her friend is absolutely a mean girl. Full stop. OP's daughter is most likely a problem and if I were OP, I would be getting to the bottom of it, because who wants to be on some crazy person's kill list because they decided to play reindeer games in high school? OP needs to teach her popular daughter how to be a kind and gracious person to everyone she is in a community with.

Best answer, right here

Why? I’ve been in this situation. It was exhausting. A lot of people who wanted to be friends had one-sided expectations. They’d get what they want out of the friendship, and they didn’t care if I was having an awful time or were tired or generally how I was feeling. It’s ok to be well-liked and have more people want to be friends than the other way around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I received an (anonymous) email telling me my daughter is a mean girl. That she is gossipy, exclusionary and forces others to ostracize people she does not like. I am pretty sure the email was written by a peer based on the writing style and language.

How would you handle this? I don’t even know if this is real and telling my daughter about it could upset her. I do have not an inclination this is true, though I do know my daughter is popular and gets frustrated that there is an expectation she is everyone’s friend. But it’s also unsettling to get an email like this and the tenor of the email seemed sad and frustrated more than anything else, which makes my worry about the sender and what motivated this.

Sweet baby Jesus. You're the problem here. This is the reason she's a mean girl. "you don't want to upset her".

I’d be upset if I got an anonymous letter with outlandish accusations that included a threat but no substantive facts to support the outlandish accusations. Who wouldn’t be upset?

These are not “outlandish accusations.” This is behavior that can be found in most middle and high schools to some degree or another.

Also, it’s not a criminal indictment. What do you expect this person to do, get video footage of the bullying for you? Just because someone doesn’t have a CSI file on an event doesn’t mean they are lying about it. Most people do not walk around collecting hard evidence of every crappy thing someone does.

There was literally no evidence included. And by evidence I mean a narrative describing what OPs daughter did, when, who, etc. Literally anything to justify the accusations. As far as we know, there is absolutely nothing that resembles a fact for OP to even look into.

So yes, I’d be upset if I got an anonymous email accusing me of being a bully without any explanation of why the accusations were leveled, and including a threat. Who wouldn’t be upset? That is really disturbing.

That email reads like the ranting of an unhinged adult who is too enmeshed with her 17-year-old child. It has vibes like these cases:

https://www.nbcnews.com/news/us-news/cheer-mom-accused-sending-anonymous-texts-parents-girls-behavior-found-rcna21649

https://www.cbsnews.com/sanfrancisco/news/bay-area-mom-who-cyberbullied-daughters-dates-gets-3-years-in-federal-prison/

Normal parents don’t do stuff like this, though apparently you and other PPs think this behavior is fine. To be clear, though, it is not remotely fine.

Normal parents of normal kids don’t get anonymous emails alleging bullying occurred.

Lol. Trust DCUM to defend the crazy moms who are going to jail for sending anonymous emails and texts, and to blame the child victims of those anonymous emails and texts.

OP, I think this PP shows who the people who think you should believe the email are.

100%

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would ignore it - it is anonymous and it could be any crazy person if they don't put their name too it - so I would give it less credence. But I would keep an eye out on how you think her behavior is towards others.

You mean you're going back to just sticking your head in the sand, don't you??

No "crazy person" is sending an email about her daughter.
Don't be ridiculous.

You're the crazy one if that's what you think -- stop watching so much Lifetime TV.

Yes, they are. The fact that you dismiss this out of hand and desperately jump to vilifying OP’s daughter with zero actual evidence is what’s “ridiculous.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ignore it. Don't respond or react. If you kid is mean and you don't know it, you don't care so its not really an issue or they may be copying your behavior.

It's weird that you and some other prayers here would assume a parent would know if their kid was mean and the corollary, that the mean kids out there must have parents who don't care or haven't taught them well.

I've heard that one before: "my daughter would never do that because I raised her better." Guess who was the mean girl?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Any high school girl who has a mom who reports that she is popular and frustrated that everyone wants to be her friend is absolutely a mean girl. Full stop. OP's daughter is most likely a problem and if I were OP, I would be getting to the bottom of it, because who wants to be on some crazy person's kill list because they decided to play reindeer games in high school? OP needs to teach her popular daughter how to be a kind and gracious person to everyone she is in a community with.