17 Year Old Custody Schedule

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, how did it go, OP?

OP here: my DS's next weekend with his dad isn't until next weekend, so I don't know yet. I slept on it for two nights and tried to talk to DS again. DS is still adamant he won't go to his dad's next weekend. My ex refuses to discuss it with DS because ex says this is a dispute between me and him to figure out, because DS isn't one of the parties who signed the custody agreement.

To address other PPs' comments: DS doesn't have to miss any of his actual football games because those are on Friday nights. So on his dad's weekends, DS either gets driven up to his dad's Friday night after the game, or Saturday morning after Saturday morning practice (when he has them). He hasn't been missing any of his sports commitments with our schedule. But he does miss out on post-game/practice socializing those weekends, which is part of why he's starting refusing to go.

I suggested to ex that maybe we can just ease the strict schedule until football season is over, and then try to get DS to go back to EOW for the rest of the school year, but ex said no.

In all seriousness, with a kid that old who will be 18 in less than 12 months, I would do nothing.

I wouldn’t engage with ex in the topic anymore or DS.

Ex can do whatever he wants.

He can call the police. He can file with the courts. Whatever.

The cops will be annoyed and will tell him to do something reasonable like come to pick up his kid

He can file with the court, a lawyer will take his money and tell him he is wasting his time, but will happily take his money.
If you make it to court, either the judge will tell your DH to be reasonable or tell your kid to go to visitation and by that time it will be a couple months or so.

Drop the rope with your ex and just let it go.

+1. Your ex's beef is not with your son, it's with you. Any reasonable adult that actually wanted a relationship with their child would be working to make that happen. Your responses make clear that your ex is refusing to make any compromises or even take opportunities for more time when it's offered (i.e. - picking up son Friday after practice). The only way to "win" here is not to play.

I wouldn't say another word to your ex. If he calls or messages when son doesn't show up next week I'd outline all of the compromises you've been willing to make since you informed him the custody arrangement is not working and no further contact.

Its OP responsibility to do drop off and ex did compromise with a Saturday drop off instead of Friday. He has agreed to reduced time. He has made compromises.

OP here: I responded to another poster on this same point, but again, my ex only agreed to this because he refused to take DS to Saturday morning practices for the first month of the season. I would have been completely fine with driving DS up to his dad's Friday evenings after his football game, if my ex would take him to Saturday morning practices and then take him back to his house. He refused.

Also, this is only an issue for one month of the school year.

[Anonymous]

I just don't understand why dad doesn't want to talk to his son about this. Instead he wants mom to somehow force the kid into her car and bring him sulking and resentful for unhappy weekends at dad's. Why would you want that kind of relationship with your kid? Why not find ways to enjoy his senior year with him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just don't understand why dad doesn't want to talk to his son about this. Instead he wants mom to somehow force the kid into her car and bring him sulking and resentful for unhappy weekends at dad's. Why would you want that kind of relationship with your kid? Why not find ways to enjoy his senior year with him?

because its not about his kid, his goal seems to be to cause as much trouble as possible for OP even if that means hurting his own son in the process.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just don't understand why dad doesn't want to talk to his son about this. Instead he wants mom to somehow force the kid into her car and bring him sulking and resentful for unhappy weekends at dad's. Why would you want that kind of relationship with your kid? Why not find ways to enjoy his senior year with him?

because its not about his kid, his goal seems to be to cause as much trouble as possible for OP even if that means hurting his own son in the process.

You are creating a drama and not thinking about it logically at all. Kid is there two weekend a month. They have plenty of time with friends, sports and parties. Its ok ot set limits with kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just don't understand why dad doesn't want to talk to his son about this. Instead he wants mom to somehow force the kid into her car and bring him sulking and resentful for unhappy weekends at dad's. Why would you want that kind of relationship with your kid? Why not find ways to enjoy his senior year with him?

because its not about his kid, his goal seems to be to cause as much trouble as possible for OP even if that means hurting his own son in the process.

You are creating a drama and not thinking about it logically at all. Kid is there two weekend a month. They have plenty of time with friends, sports and parties. Its ok ot set limits with kids.

Sure, if your goal is to spend time with an angry teen who bails on you the moment he turns 18. If it were me, I'd be at those football games cheering him on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just don't understand why dad doesn't want to talk to his son about this. Instead he wants mom to somehow force the kid into her car and bring him sulking and resentful for unhappy weekends at dad's. Why would you want that kind of relationship with your kid? Why not find ways to enjoy his senior year with him?

because its not about his kid, his goal seems to be to cause as much trouble as possible for OP even if that means hurting his own son in the process.

You are creating a drama and not thinking about it logically at all. Kid is there two weekend a month. They have plenty of time with friends, sports and parties. Its ok ot set limits with kids.

Sure, if your goal is to spend time with an angry teen who bails on you the moment he turns 18. If it were me, I'd be at those football games cheering him on.

This what I did except i actually did it a month before i turned 18

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP- most of the posters here have no idea what they’re talking about. There is zero chance you’re going to be held in contempt of court. Make a reasonable attempt to communicate this with your ex in writing, and keep all of the documentation.

‘ExH, The visitation schedule is no longer in DS’s best interest, and I would like to help the two of you work out something that is a better fit. Given the distance and DS’ extracurriculars, it would make more sense for you to visit him here in his hometown during the week and/or on weekends, on a mutually agreed upon schedule, and for DS to visit you once a month instead of twice. Let’s find a compromise that works for everyone’

If he refuses to compromise, let him take it to court. The judge is going to find him unreasonable, I can guarantee it. And you don’t need to pay a lawyer, I’ve represented myself in court many times and it’s always been fine. They probably have people at the courthouse that can assist you should you need to file motions.

Good luck! You’re a good mom.

If there is a time reduction, OP is not being reasonable. Dad has four days a month. Reducing it from four to two is not reasonable.

No, the dad is not reasonable. The kid doesn't want to travel to see dad 2x/month and miss out that activities that all his other friends are doing. Let dad come to him (at least one weekend a month).

Or dad picks him up from parties. The kid should be allowed to attend school events and spend time with friends regardless of who has him that weekend. Dad is an idiot for preventing his son from being involved in his HS community during senior year or any other year of HS. The kid isn’t 8yo.

Child is seeing Dad one night every two weeks. What is the point of child going ot a party saturday night, Dad pick him up and sleep over to just return to mom's house the next day. Think about this logic. Dad has two nights a month, sometimes four. Kid has plenty of time to see friends.

I am not ginming about this. Dad needs to see that this kid is not 8yo. Dad COULD take kid on Friday and drive him back to friend / school events (eg, football practice) then wait for kid to finish before returning home two nights a month. See how that works? Dad just wants to omit the hard parts of parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just don't understand why dad doesn't want to talk to his son about this. Instead he wants mom to somehow force the kid into her car and bring him sulking and resentful for unhappy weekends at dad's. Why would you want that kind of relationship with your kid? Why not find ways to enjoy his senior year with him?

because its not about his kid, his goal seems to be to cause as much trouble as possible for OP even if that means hurting his own son in the process.

You are creating a drama and not thinking about it logically at all. Kid is there two weekend a month. They have plenty of time with friends, sports and parties. Its ok ot set limits with kids.

Sure, if your goal is to spend time with an angry teen who bails on you the moment he turns 18. If it were me, I'd be at those football games cheering him on.

+1. If you want to screw up your relationship with your kid, do exactly what this dad is doing which is to prioritize your own comfort and convenience and schedule without considering that a 17.5 year old has his own preferences. And the fact that the dad won’t talk to the kid directly and wants the mom to do his dirty work is a huge red flag about the quality of their relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, how did it go, OP?

OP here: my DS's next weekend with his dad isn't until next weekend, so I don't know yet. I slept on it for two nights and tried to talk to DS again. DS is still adamant he won't go to his dad's next weekend. My ex refuses to discuss it with DS because ex says this is a dispute between me and him to figure out, because DS isn't one of the parties who signed the custody agreement.

To address other PPs' comments: DS doesn't have to miss any of his actual football games because those are on Friday nights. So on his dad's weekends, DS either gets driven up to his dad's Friday night after the game, or Saturday morning after Saturday morning practice (when he has them). He hasn't been missing any of his sports commitments with our schedule. But he does miss out on post-game/practice socializing those weekends, which is part of why he's starting refusing to go.

I suggested to ex that maybe we can just ease the strict schedule until football season is over, and then try to get DS to go back to EOW for the rest of the school year, but ex said no.

In all seriousness, with a kid that old who will be 18 in less than 12 months, I would do nothing.

I wouldn’t engage with ex in the topic anymore or DS.

Ex can do whatever he wants.

He can call the police. He can file with the courts. Whatever.

The cops will be annoyed and will tell him to do something reasonable like come to pick up his kid

He can file with the court, a lawyer will take his money and tell him he is wasting his time, but will happily take his money.
If you make it to court, either the judge will tell your DH to be reasonable or tell your kid to go to visitation and by that time it will be a couple months or so.

Drop the rope with your ex and just let it go.

+1. Your ex's beef is not with your son, it's with you. Any reasonable adult that actually wanted a relationship with their child would be working to make that happen. Your responses make clear that your ex is refusing to make any compromises or even take opportunities for more time when it's offered (i.e. - picking up son Friday after practice). The only way to "win" here is not to play.

I wouldn't say another word to your ex. If he calls or messages when son doesn't show up next week I'd outline all of the compromises you've been willing to make since you informed him the custody arrangement is not working and no further contact.

Its OP responsibility to do drop off and ex did compromise with a Saturday drop off instead of Friday. He has agreed to reduced time. He has made compromises.

Op is doing the dad a huge favor.’ Assuming OP could cajole / force DS to go to dad’s on Fridays as written, dad would have to deal with a surly kid AND drive kid back for football practice and then back to dad’s house on Saturday, and then return dc to OP on Sunday. He would be spending more time in the car or not if he’s really that much of an a*hole.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just don't understand why dad doesn't want to talk to his son about this. Instead he wants mom to somehow force the kid into her car and bring him sulking and resentful for unhappy weekends at dad's. Why would you want that kind of relationship with your kid? Why not find ways to enjoy his senior year with him?

because its not about his kid, his goal seems to be to cause as much trouble as possible for OP even if that means hurting his own son in the process.

You are creating a drama and not thinking about it logically at all. Kid is there two weekend a month. They have plenty of time with friends, sports and parties. Its ok ot set limits with kids.

What? Weekends are about the only time outside of class to spend with friends when you’re a senior in HS.

[Anonymous]

I have read all 18 pages. I was that kid that was forced to go to dads every other weekend when I wanted to be with my friends. Dad lived 45 min away from mom.

I started running away from my dads. Bus, metro, walking—anything to get back to my moms. And when she put her foot down that I could not come back on dads weekends, I stopped running away from dads and going to moms. I started running away from dads and sleeping wherever I could. Friends whose parents were out of town, parks, library entrances. I did not want to go to my dads and no one could make me stay there. And yes, to this day we have a very strained relationship.

Op—You’ve talked about football practice, does dad show up for games?

If dad really wanted a relationship with his son, he would recognize that his sons life is around your neighborhood. As far as I can tell, you have not told your ex that he can’t have dinner with DS, can’t show up and watch after school practice, can’t pick him up from work and play chauffeur to his next activity, participate in back to school night or other parenting conferences, be a member of the HS booster club, volunteer for events at school, or anything that parents do to be a part of their teenagers life.

As another poster said, has he offered to host DSs friends at his house including any transportation that might be necessary? How has dad tried to become a part of DSs life?

I like the poster who suggested telling dad what the weekend activities are and letting him know he needs transportation. Dad can then either agree or not and if not, he can be the one to tell DS that he won’t take him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have read all 18 pages. I was that kid that was forced to go to dads every other weekend when I wanted to be with my friends. Dad lived 45 min away from mom.

I started running away from my dads. Bus, metro, walking—anything to get back to my moms. And when she put her foot down that I could not come back on dads weekends, I stopped running away from dads and going to moms. I started running away from dads and sleeping wherever I could. Friends whose parents were out of town, parks, library entrances. I did not want to go to my dads and no one could make me stay there. And yes, to this day we have a very strained relationship.

Op—You’ve talked about football practice, does dad show up for games?

If dad really wanted a relationship with his son, he would recognize that his sons life is around your neighborhood. As far as I can tell, you have not told your ex that he can’t have dinner with DS, can’t show up and watch after school practice, can’t pick him up from work and play chauffeur to his next activity, participate in back to school night or other parenting conferences, be a member of the HS booster club, volunteer for events at school, or anything that parents do to be a part of their teenagers life.

As another poster said, has he offered to host DSs friends at his house including any transportation that might be necessary? How has dad tried to become a part of DSs life?

I like the poster who suggested telling dad what the weekend activities are and letting him know he needs transportation. Dad can then either agree or not and if not, he can be the one to tell DS that he won’t take him.

So, so much this. -also with a father that has a lot in common with OP’e ex

[Anonymous]

Does Dad show up for anything?

[Anonymous]

At the court hearing request the change for Dad to pick him up at the start of the weekend and you will collect him at the end.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does Dad show up for anything?

OP here: yes, he goes to a few football games each season, but not all.

He sporadically goes to band concerts, but usually can’t or won’t make it during the work week.

We haven’t really had parent teacher conferences since elementary school, so it’s been a long time since he’s been to those.

I can’t think of anything else. He complains a lot about the driving (which is annoying because he’s the one who moved…). He would never, ever drive DS to a friend’s house or anything like that on “his” weekend.

My ex does seem to want to spend time with DS, but only at his house and on his terms. He would never drive down here just for a midweek dinner with DS or something like that.