17 Year Old Custody Schedule

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, how did it go, OP?

OP here: my DS's next weekend with his dad isn't until next weekend, so I don't know yet. I slept on it for two nights and tried to talk to DS again. DS is still adamant he won't go to his dad's next weekend. My ex refuses to discuss it with DS because ex says this is a dispute between me and him to figure out, because DS isn't one of the parties who signed the custody agreement.

To address other PPs' comments: DS doesn't have to miss any of his actual football games because those are on Friday nights. So on his dad's weekends, DS either gets driven up to his dad's Friday night after the game, or Saturday morning after Saturday morning practice (when he has them). He hasn't been missing any of his sports commitments with our schedule. But he does miss out on post-game/practice socializing those weekends, which is part of why he's starting refusing to go.

I suggested to ex that maybe we can just ease the strict schedule until football season is over, and then try to get DS to go back to EOW for the rest of the school year, but ex said no.

In all seriousness, with a kid that old who will be 18 in less than 12 months, I would do nothing.

I wouldn’t engage with ex in the topic anymore or DS.

Ex can do whatever he wants.

He can call the police. He can file with the courts. Whatever.

The cops will be annoyed and will tell him to do something reasonable like come to pick up his kid

He can file with the court, a lawyer will take his money and tell him he is wasting his time, but will happily take his money.
If you make it to court, either the judge will tell your DH to be reasonable or tell your kid to go to visitation and by that time it will be a couple months or so.

Drop the rope with your ex and just let it go.

This is terrible advice. This kid can go see his Dad two nights a month.

The dad can go see his kid two nights a month.

See how that works? Dad is the parent. He should act like one.

The Op should move on now. Her kid is almost an adult. At this point she should drop all communication with him unless it is some kind of emergency situation with their DS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 17 year old DS is a senior in high school, turning 18 in the spring. He has started trying to refuse visitation at his dad's on the every other weekend schedule we've followed for basically his entire life. (Dad lives an hour and 15 minutes away, which is why we have always had that schedule). DS's reason is that he's busy with fall sports (football), school, friends, etc. He doesn't want to be at his dad's two weekends a month anymore. It has nothing to do with liking me or not liking his dad, and everything to do with where his school, friends, and life all are.

His dad is adamant that the schedule has to stay the same until DS turns 18.

What, if anything, can I do here? DS told me he is "not going EOW and you can't make me." Am I expected to manhandle my son into the car and drive him up there next weekend? Hold a gun to his head? I don't want to be in contempt of a court order - and his dad has threatened to take me to court if DS won't cooperate. How is a judge going to look at this for an almost-18 year old? I assume we just have to suck it up until spring, right?

FWIW, I have encouraged my DS to continue to see and spend time with his dad, so I am not the barrier here. But I am sympathetic to where DS is coming from when his dad lives so far away and given his age.

Thanks all.

Ex is selfish
My son at 16/17 was busy all the time with friends, sports, work. We never saw him. His dad needs to drive there and plan around your sons schedule.

That’s not selfish to have your kid basically overnight two nights a month. Kid is selfish.

Dad needs to be someone the kid wants to see. He’s clearly not. After 18, there will likely be very little relationship there. This is dad’s fault, for being a shitty parent. Too bad, so sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, how did it go, OP?

OP here: my DS's next weekend with his dad isn't until next weekend, so I don't know yet. I slept on it for two nights and tried to talk to DS again. DS is still adamant he won't go to his dad's next weekend. My ex refuses to discuss it with DS because ex says this is a dispute between me and him to figure out, because DS isn't one of the parties who signed the custody agreement.

To address other PPs' comments: DS doesn't have to miss any of his actual football games because those are on Friday nights. So on his dad's weekends, DS either gets driven up to his dad's Friday night after the game, or Saturday morning after Saturday morning practice (when he has them). He hasn't been missing any of his sports commitments with our schedule. But he does miss out on post-game/practice socializing those weekends, which is part of why he's starting refusing to go.

I suggested to ex that maybe we can just ease the strict schedule until football season is over, and then try to get DS to go back to EOW for the rest of the school year, but ex said no.

In all seriousness, with a kid that old who will be 18 in less than 12 months, I would do nothing.

I wouldn’t engage with ex in the topic anymore or DS.

Ex can do whatever he wants.

He can call the police. He can file with the courts. Whatever.

The cops will be annoyed and will tell him to do something reasonable like come to pick up his kid

He can file with the court, a lawyer will take his money and tell him he is wasting his time, but will happily take his money.
If you make it to court, either the judge will tell your DH to be reasonable or tell your kid to go to visitation and by that time it will be a couple months or so.

Drop the rope with your ex and just let it go.

This is terrible advice. This kid can go see his Dad two nights a month.

The dad can go see his kid two nights a month.

See how that works? Dad is the parent. He should act like one.

The Op should move on now. Her kid is almost an adult. At this point she should drop all communication with him unless it is some kind of emergency situation with their DS.

It sounds like the kid doesn't want to hang out with his Dad on weekend nights, he wants to be with his friends--and that is 100% normal and typical of a teenager! Families that are still intact get to see each other just through normal household interaction, but with this teen not living in the same household as his Dad, that won't happen. It's just what it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP- most of the posters here have no idea what they’re talking about. There is zero chance you’re going to be held in contempt of court. Make a reasonable attempt to communicate this with your ex in writing, and keep all of the documentation.

‘ExH, The visitation schedule is no longer in DS’s best interest, and I would like to help the two of you work out something that is a better fit. Given the distance and DS’ extracurriculars, it would make more sense for you to visit him here in his hometown during the week and/or on weekends, on a mutually agreed upon schedule, and for DS to visit you once a month instead of twice. Let’s find a compromise that works for everyone’

If he refuses to compromise, let him take it to court. The judge is going to find him unreasonable, I can guarantee it. And you don’t need to pay a lawyer, I’ve represented myself in court many times and it’s always been fine. They probably have people at the courthouse that can assist you should you need to file motions.

Good luck! You’re a good mom.

If there is a time reduction, OP is not being reasonable. Dad has four days a month. Reducing it from four to two is not reasonable.

No, the dad is not reasonable. The kid doesn't want to travel to see dad 2x/month and miss out that activities that all his other friends are doing. Let dad come to him (at least one weekend a month).

Or dad picks him up from parties. The kid should be allowed to attend school events and spend time with friends regardless of who has him that weekend. Dad is an idiot for preventing his son from being involved in his HS community during senior year or any other year of HS. The kid isn’t 8yo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP- most of the posters here have no idea what they’re talking about. There is zero chance you’re going to be held in contempt of court. Make a reasonable attempt to communicate this with your ex in writing, and keep all of the documentation.

‘ExH, The visitation schedule is no longer in DS’s best interest, and I would like to help the two of you work out something that is a better fit. Given the distance and DS’ extracurriculars, it would make more sense for you to visit him here in his hometown during the week and/or on weekends, on a mutually agreed upon schedule, and for DS to visit you once a month instead of twice. Let’s find a compromise that works for everyone’

If he refuses to compromise, let him take it to court. The judge is going to find him unreasonable, I can guarantee it. And you don’t need to pay a lawyer, I’ve represented myself in court many times and it’s always been fine. They probably have people at the courthouse that can assist you should you need to file motions.

Good luck! You’re a good mom.

If there is a time reduction, OP is not being reasonable. Dad has four days a month. Reducing it from four to two is not reasonable.

No, the dad is not reasonable. The kid doesn't want to travel to see dad 2x/month and miss out that activities that all his other friends are doing. Let dad come to him (at least one weekend a month).

Or dad picks him up from parties. The kid should be allowed to attend school events and spend time with friends regardless of who has him that weekend. Dad is an idiot for preventing his son from being involved in his HS community during senior year or any other year of HS. The kid isn’t 8yo.

Child is seeing Dad one night every two weeks. What is the point of child going ot a party saturday night, Dad pick him up and sleep over to just return to mom's house the next day. Think about this logic. Dad has two nights a month, sometimes four. Kid has plenty of time to see friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 17 year old DS is a senior in high school, turning 18 in the spring. He has started trying to refuse visitation at his dad's on the every other weekend schedule we've followed for basically his entire life. (Dad lives an hour and 15 minutes away, which is why we have always had that schedule). DS's reason is that he's busy with fall sports (football), school, friends, etc. He doesn't want to be at his dad's two weekends a month anymore. It has nothing to do with liking me or not liking his dad, and everything to do with where his school, friends, and life all are.

His dad is adamant that the schedule has to stay the same until DS turns 18.

What, if anything, can I do here? DS told me he is "not going EOW and you can't make me." Am I expected to manhandle my son into the car and drive him up there next weekend? Hold a gun to his head? I don't want to be in contempt of a court order - and his dad has threatened to take me to court if DS won't cooperate. How is a judge going to look at this for an almost-18 year old? I assume we just have to suck it up until spring, right?

FWIW, I have encouraged my DS to continue to see and spend time with his dad, so I am not the barrier here. But I am sympathetic to where DS is coming from when his dad lives so far away and given his age.

Thanks all.

Ex is selfish
My son at 16/17 was busy all the time with friends, sports, work. We never saw him. His dad needs to drive there and plan around your sons schedule.

That’s not selfish to have your kid basically overnight two nights a month. Kid is selfish.

Dad needs to be someone the kid wants to see. He’s clearly not. After 18, there will likely be very little relationship there. This is dad’s fault, for being a shitty parent. Too bad, so sad.

Its not bad parenting to let you kids dictate everything. Its bad parenting to let you kids dictate everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, how did it go, OP?

OP here: my DS's next weekend with his dad isn't until next weekend, so I don't know yet. I slept on it for two nights and tried to talk to DS again. DS is still adamant he won't go to his dad's next weekend. My ex refuses to discuss it with DS because ex says this is a dispute between me and him to figure out, because DS isn't one of the parties who signed the custody agreement.

To address other PPs' comments: DS doesn't have to miss any of his actual football games because those are on Friday nights. So on his dad's weekends, DS either gets driven up to his dad's Friday night after the game, or Saturday morning after Saturday morning practice (when he has them). He hasn't been missing any of his sports commitments with our schedule. But he does miss out on post-game/practice socializing those weekends, which is part of why he's starting refusing to go.

I suggested to ex that maybe we can just ease the strict schedule until football season is over, and then try to get DS to go back to EOW for the rest of the school year, but ex said no.

Document all of this in writing (email/text). To answer your first post, you can't force your 17 year old football player son into the car. If this happens when you're ready to drive him, tell your ex, you are waiting to drive your son and he won't get in and that he needs to call his son and tell him to get into the car. and if he refuses, ask him what he wants you to do (record this on your phone.) You have a custody agreement yes, but it involves a near adult minor and you can't force him to do what he doesn't want to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP- most of the posters here have no idea what they’re talking about. There is zero chance you’re going to be held in contempt of court. Make a reasonable attempt to communicate this with your ex in writing, and keep all of the documentation.

‘ExH, The visitation schedule is no longer in DS’s best interest, and I would like to help the two of you work out something that is a better fit. Given the distance and DS’ extracurriculars, it would make more sense for you to visit him here in his hometown during the week and/or on weekends, on a mutually agreed upon schedule, and for DS to visit you once a month instead of twice. Let’s find a compromise that works for everyone’

If he refuses to compromise, let him take it to court. The judge is going to find him unreasonable, I can guarantee it. And you don’t need to pay a lawyer, I’ve represented myself in court many times and it’s always been fine. They probably have people at the courthouse that can assist you should you need to file motions.

Good luck! You’re a good mom.

If there is a time reduction, OP is not being reasonable. Dad has four days a month. Reducing it from four to two is not reasonable.

No, the dad is not reasonable. The kid doesn't want to travel to see dad 2x/month and miss out that activities that all his other friends are doing. Let dad come to him (at least one weekend a month).

Or dad picks him up from parties. The kid should be allowed to attend school events and spend time with friends regardless of who has him that weekend. Dad is an idiot for preventing his son from being involved in his HS community during senior year or any other year of HS. The kid isn’t 8yo.

Child is seeing Dad one night every two weeks. What is the point of child going ot a party saturday night, Dad pick him up and sleep over to just return to mom's house the next day. Think about this logic. Dad has two nights a month, sometimes four. Kid has plenty of time to see friends.

That's irrelevant. You may judge that the kid doesn't need to see his friends that much during senior year, but the 17 year old feels differently. How do you expect the OP to force the kid to do otherwise?

[Anonymous]

17 year olds have full social lives. If you deny this, you will never have a relationship with your child. Life is long. Stupid move to push yourself out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:17 year olds have full social lives. If you deny this, you will never have a relationship with your child. Life is long. Stupid move to push yourself out.

+1 Dad is trying to make Mom force the kid to adhere to a schedule made years ago that is most convenient to Dad, rather than finding a solution that works for both him and his son. His son isn't an inanimate object with no preferences that he can control.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, how did it go, OP?

OP here: my DS's next weekend with his dad isn't until next weekend, so I don't know yet. I slept on it for two nights and tried to talk to DS again. DS is still adamant he won't go to his dad's next weekend. My ex refuses to discuss it with DS because ex says this is a dispute between me and him to figure out, because DS isn't one of the parties who signed the custody agreement.

To address other PPs' comments: DS doesn't have to miss any of his actual football games because those are on Friday nights. So on his dad's weekends, DS either gets driven up to his dad's Friday night after the game, or Saturday morning after Saturday morning practice (when he has them). He hasn't been missing any of his sports commitments with our schedule. But he does miss out on post-game/practice socializing those weekends, which is part of why he's starting refusing to go.

I suggested to ex that maybe we can just ease the strict schedule until football season is over, and then try to get DS to go back to EOW for the rest of the school year, but ex said no.

In all seriousness, with a kid that old who will be 18 in less than 12 months, I would do nothing.

I wouldn’t engage with ex in the topic anymore or DS.

Ex can do whatever he wants.

He can call the police. He can file with the courts. Whatever.

The cops will be annoyed and will tell him to do something reasonable like come to pick up his kid

He can file with the court, a lawyer will take his money and tell him he is wasting his time, but will happily take his money.
If you make it to court, either the judge will tell your DH to be reasonable or tell your kid to go to visitation and by that time it will be a couple months or so.

Drop the rope with your ex and just let it go.

+1. Your ex's beef is not with your son, it's with you. Any reasonable adult that actually wanted a relationship with their child would be working to make that happen. Your responses make clear that your ex is refusing to make any compromises or even take opportunities for more time when it's offered (i.e. - picking up son Friday after practice). The only way to "win" here is not to play.

I wouldn't say another word to your ex. If he calls or messages when son doesn't show up next week I'd outline all of the compromises you've been willing to make since you informed him the custody arrangement is not working and no further contact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, how did it go, OP?

OP here: my DS's next weekend with his dad isn't until next weekend, so I don't know yet. I slept on it for two nights and tried to talk to DS again. DS is still adamant he won't go to his dad's next weekend. My ex refuses to discuss it with DS because ex says this is a dispute between me and him to figure out, because DS isn't one of the parties who signed the custody agreement.

To address other PPs' comments: DS doesn't have to miss any of his actual football games because those are on Friday nights. So on his dad's weekends, DS either gets driven up to his dad's Friday night after the game, or Saturday morning after Saturday morning practice (when he has them). He hasn't been missing any of his sports commitments with our schedule. But he does miss out on post-game/practice socializing those weekends, which is part of why he's starting refusing to go.

I suggested to ex that maybe we can just ease the strict schedule until football season is over, and then try to get DS to go back to EOW for the rest of the school year, but ex said no.

In all seriousness, with a kid that old who will be 18 in less than 12 months, I would do nothing.

I wouldn’t engage with ex in the topic anymore or DS.

Ex can do whatever he wants.

He can call the police. He can file with the courts. Whatever.

The cops will be annoyed and will tell him to do something reasonable like come to pick up his kid

He can file with the court, a lawyer will take his money and tell him he is wasting his time, but will happily take his money.
If you make it to court, either the judge will tell your DH to be reasonable or tell your kid to go to visitation and by that time it will be a couple months or so.

Drop the rope with your ex and just let it go.

+1. Your ex's beef is not with your son, it's with you. Any reasonable adult that actually wanted a relationship with their child would be working to make that happen. Your responses make clear that your ex is refusing to make any compromises or even take opportunities for more time when it's offered (i.e. - picking up son Friday after practice). The only way to "win" here is not to play.

I wouldn't say another word to your ex. If he calls or messages when son doesn't show up next week I'd outline all of the compromises you've been willing to make since you informed him the custody arrangement is not working and no further contact.

Its OP responsibility to do drop off and ex did compromise with a Saturday drop off instead of Friday. He has agreed to reduced time. He has made compromises.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:17 year olds have full social lives. If you deny this, you will never have a relationship with your child. Life is long. Stupid move to push yourself out.

+1 Dad is trying to make Mom force the kid to adhere to a schedule made years ago that is most convenient to Dad, rather than finding a solution that works for both him and his son. His son isn't an inanimate object with no preferences that he can control.

Dad is being flexible. OP said he switched from Friday to Saturday so he gets one night twice a month. That isn't very much and kid has every other weekend and weekday to see his friends and party. If they reduce the visitation more, he will not see his child at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, how did it go, OP?

OP here: my DS's next weekend with his dad isn't until next weekend, so I don't know yet. I slept on it for two nights and tried to talk to DS again. DS is still adamant he won't go to his dad's next weekend. My ex refuses to discuss it with DS because ex says this is a dispute between me and him to figure out, because DS isn't one of the parties who signed the custody agreement.

To address other PPs' comments: DS doesn't have to miss any of his actual football games because those are on Friday nights. So on his dad's weekends, DS either gets driven up to his dad's Friday night after the game, or Saturday morning after Saturday morning practice (when he has them). He hasn't been missing any of his sports commitments with our schedule. But he does miss out on post-game/practice socializing those weekends, which is part of why he's starting refusing to go.

I suggested to ex that maybe we can just ease the strict schedule until football season is over, and then try to get DS to go back to EOW for the rest of the school year, but ex said no.

In all seriousness, with a kid that old who will be 18 in less than 12 months, I would do nothing.

I wouldn’t engage with ex in the topic anymore or DS.

Ex can do whatever he wants.

He can call the police. He can file with the courts. Whatever.

The cops will be annoyed and will tell him to do something reasonable like come to pick up his kid

He can file with the court, a lawyer will take his money and tell him he is wasting his time, but will happily take his money.
If you make it to court, either the judge will tell your DH to be reasonable or tell your kid to go to visitation and by that time it will be a couple months or so.

Drop the rope with your ex and just let it go.

This is terrible advice. This kid can go see his Dad two nights a month.

The dad can go see his kid two nights a month.

See how that works? Dad is the parent. He should act like one.

The Op should move on now. Her kid is almost an adult. At this point she should drop all communication with him unless it is some kind of emergency situation with their DS.

Seeing your child for an hour for dinner is not being a parent. Kids need to be in the other parent's home. It is court ordered but clearly rules don't apply to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:17 year olds have full social lives. If you deny this, you will never have a relationship with your child. Life is long. Stupid move to push yourself out.

+1 Dad is trying to make Mom force the kid to adhere to a schedule made years ago that is most convenient to Dad, rather than finding a solution that works for both him and his son. His son isn't an inanimate object with no preferences that he can control.

Dad is being flexible. OP said he switched from Friday to Saturday so he gets one night twice a month. That isn't very much and kid has every other weekend and weekday to see his friends and party. If they reduce the visitation more, he will not see his child at all.

OP here:

I will add, again, that this compromised "reduction" in overnights only lasts for one month. DS doesn't have Saturday morning practices after the first month of the season. All the other months of the school year, my ex has historically had both weekend nights - Friday and Saturday - on his two weekends. And we only got to that point because my ex refused to take DS to those Saturday morning practices on his weekends.

My ex is now threatening to seek an emergency court hearing based on my DS's refusal to go this upcoming weekend. I'm still hopeful I can talk DS into sticking to the schedule.