DH Can’t Stand Having Two Kids… 2 Years Later

[Anonymous]

OP, be clear, it's not that he CAN'T it's that he DOESN'T want to.

He is using passive aggressive tactics to try to get you to restore the life he liked better, where you did most child rearing AND were very available to him in the evenings. He is trying to manipulate you through your love and concern for your kids. You are not both doing anything, he is playing along but his agenda is clear. Guys like this may not stick around, you HAVE to plan for that re: your earning potential.

He really enjoyed child free life and wants a close approximation of that in his day to day. YOU need to be realistic re: who you married. You are NOT both equally concerned re: impact on the kids, come ON. Actions speak louder than words, OP and HIS are CLEAR if you would just open your eyes.

How about DH ramps up career and makes more so more can be outsourced and he can be "fun dad" as the spirit moves him? OP do you see how a "fun" and "unencumbered" woman who IS available to him and minimum custodial time is a real risk with someone like your DH? He doesn't really even enjoy socializing with other families, he is NOT a family man nor is he adjusting after 5 YEARS. He has shown you who he is, OP. He is NOT equally committed to the well being of the kids, to your dreams and happiness or supporting your career even for a short time.

You could try counseling with someone who does family therapy to educate him re: the impact he is having on the kids but I don't see him changing. And whatever you do OP you need to set yourself up for being able to support yourself and basically solo parent, there are jobs that are a way better fit in that scenario and you need to be targeting those career paths, if not immediately, then soon. Might as well ride out the marriage while it lasts but use the time wisely, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Wow, this blew up. DH and I read the responses together.

A few clarifications

(1) His parents are dead and mine struggle to handle a toddler due to bad health / physical shape. Maybe in a couple of years.
(2) I did not bully him into having the 2nd kid, it seemed like a reasonable compromise to us both at the time. We were too cerebral and mathematical in thinking about it, clearly.
(3) Both kids love him, there are lots of hugs and kisses and jumping all over him when he walks thru the door. However, we agree that soon enough they will pick up on the resentment so we can't keep going on like this.
(4) What about solo time on weekends? What about evenings?

Here, we get to what DH and I realized is the crux of the issue. We are just too overloaded.

Before, I used to freelance part-time and had more time and energy. I was the primary parent, and there was plenty of couple time in the evenings. Recently, I got a dream job which has turned out to be nearly full-time. It is nonprofit and it is exactly what I always dreamed of doing since I was a kid. I can't tell you how much I love it after a decade of putting his career first.

But there is no money. So, it means that I have to work more but we can't afford more childcare and household help. I don't have time during the day for errands, cooking, etc. I am also picking up the slack by working in the evenings (our childcare is part-time). And, my DH has had to take on household and parenting 50/50. And he hates that.

We try to teach the kids to be more polite but we are both too exhausted to parent as well as we should. I mean, the older one can entertain herself for hours and regularly does that - reading or going outside to play with neighbors. But the toddler is 2. So there's no getting around the neediness there.

Maybe we should have somehow predicted that this would happen, but we were the first of our friends to get married, much less have kids, and young women are doused in this go-getter "you can have it all" nonsense since middle school. So, we honestly thought we could both have careers we loved and kids and the help we needed.

Well toddlers are annoying and some people at the end of the day just don't want to be grabbed out and loud sounds are just miserable.
That being said, there isn't too much of a fix until the get older.
But don't make the mistake of thinking you can't use an ipad or tv to entertain them. I know a lot of parents get really hung up on that and just do yourselves a favor and don't. Your kid's brain won't rot.

I am sure your non profit job is really cool but if you keep it you will be broke. And tbh a job you always dreamed of? meh, once you are underpaid at it for a while you wont' be as thrilled with it. I know it sounds blase but get a new dream. When you decided that was your dream job years back you were a different person. Now you are a wife with 2 kids. You aren't giving up something . You are moving on.
It's normal but you are viewing it as this major life loss. Our kids are in high school now. I laugh at how silly we clung tot stuff like that in the early years.

Start low key entertaining your toddler. Ask them to go find something that is - insert thing here - and bring it to you. Then ask them again. and again. Something like hey can you bring me a teddy bear. Ok they bring you one. Ohhh wait I don't know about this teddy bear. Can you bring me another one? It keeps them occupied and it literally takes no brain power so you can do something else at the same time.

I agree with all of this.

It seems kind of odd that you and your husband are both so invested in framing this as resentment about the existence of your child when it really seems that a big part of it is resentment over your new job. You took a job that requires a lot more work with no additional income. I mean, basically, you picked up a stressful and time consuming hobby.

Why are you two both saying that it’s the kid and not the job? Is there a lot of guilt over saying that it’s the job?

OP. No, we just didn't connect the dots at first. But it's really both. I took this job AND my DH is unhappy being the primary parent. I was hoping he could step up for a few years and cover for me, which is a big ask and turns out he can't. I don't think he realized he couldn't either, until he tried it. He was always an involved and loving dad when we had 1 and I was primary parent.

We know something has got to give. I can get another job easily and learn to like it. But it's complicated because I have a team and hundreds of vulnerable students relying on me. If I leave, the entire organization will shut down, team will lose jobs in a difficult market (they are not in the US), and a lot of people will suffer. I don't mean they'll die or anything, but it would be a betrayal. I don't want to give more details because I feel like I've provided too much personal info already and anyone who knows me will recognize me from this post.

I had no idea it would be so much work and grow so fast. When I started with it, it was just a part-time, freelance project. It's taken off and grown into this monster of a thing that I can't handle on my own, but all the responsibility has been shifted onto me, initial founders exited, and there is no other "adult in the room" who can take it on.

It sounds like you agreed and got paid to do a manageable job you were compensated for and then basically took on tons of responsibility as other people left on essentially a volunteer basis. It’s awesome to feel useful and like you are doing important work, absolutely. But at the end of the day people will always try to get more out of a good, motivated person who will work especially for free. I’m in public health and if I could work 24/7 and do more good. No one will draw boundaries for you; you have to do it for yourself. And I get how the tension is there if your husband is working a less “meaningful job”, it’s easy to feel like yours should be the priority but you have to forget all that and remember you have a commitment to your family first. You don’t have to quit but you have to have boundaries and time for your spouse and kids. I would try really hard not to work more hours than you have childcare for. Whether that is because someone else is doing more of the work of some of it isn’t getting done its better than burning out or destroying your family life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Wow, this blew up. DH and I read the responses together.

A few clarifications

(1) His parents are dead and mine struggle to handle a toddler due to bad health / physical shape. Maybe in a couple of years.
(2) I did not bully him into having the 2nd kid, it seemed like a reasonable compromise to us both at the time. We were too cerebral and mathematical in thinking about it, clearly.
(3) Both kids love him, there are lots of hugs and kisses and jumping all over him when he walks thru the door. However, we agree that soon enough they will pick up on the resentment so we can't keep going on like this.
(4) What about solo time on weekends? What about evenings?

Here, we get to what DH and I realized is the crux of the issue. We are just too overloaded.

Before, I used to freelance part-time and had more time and energy. I was the primary parent, and there was plenty of couple time in the evenings. Recently, I got a dream job which has turned out to be nearly full-time. It is nonprofit and it is exactly what I always dreamed of doing since I was a kid. I can't tell you how much I love it after a decade of putting his career first.

But there is no money. So, it means that I have to work more but we can't afford more childcare and household help. I don't have time during the day for errands, cooking, etc. I am also picking up the slack by working in the evenings (our childcare is part-time). And, my DH has had to take on household and parenting 50/50. And he hates that.

We try to teach the kids to be more polite but we are both too exhausted to parent as well as we should. I mean, the older one can entertain herself for hours and regularly does that - reading or going outside to play with neighbors. But the toddler is 2. So there's no getting around the neediness there.

Maybe we should have somehow predicted that this would happen, but we were the first of our friends to get married, much less have kids, and young women are doused in this go-getter "you can have it all" nonsense since middle school. So, we honestly thought we could both have careers we loved and kids and the help we needed.

Well toddlers are annoying and some people at the end of the day just don't want to be grabbed out and loud sounds are just miserable.
That being said, there isn't too much of a fix until the get older.
But don't make the mistake of thinking you can't use an ipad or tv to entertain them. I know a lot of parents get really hung up on that and just do yourselves a favor and don't. Your kid's brain won't rot.

I am sure your non profit job is really cool but if you keep it you will be broke. And tbh a job you always dreamed of? meh, once you are underpaid at it for a while you wont' be as thrilled with it. I know it sounds blase but get a new dream. When you decided that was your dream job years back you were a different person. Now you are a wife with 2 kids. You aren't giving up something . You are moving on.
It's normal but you are viewing it as this major life loss. Our kids are in high school now. I laugh at how silly we clung tot stuff like that in the early years.

Start low key entertaining your toddler. Ask them to go find something that is - insert thing here - and bring it to you. Then ask them again. and again. Something like hey can you bring me a teddy bear. Ok they bring you one. Ohhh wait I don't know about this teddy bear. Can you bring me another one? It keeps them occupied and it literally takes no brain power so you can do something else at the same time.

I agree with all of this.

It seems kind of odd that you and your husband are both so invested in framing this as resentment about the existence of your child when it really seems that a big part of it is resentment over your new job. You took a job that requires a lot more work with no additional income. I mean, basically, you picked up a stressful and time consuming hobby.

Why are you two both saying that it’s the kid and not the job? Is there a lot of guilt over saying that it’s the job?

OP. No, we just didn't connect the dots at first. But it's really both. I took this job AND my DH is unhappy being the primary parent. I was hoping he could step up for a few years and cover for me, which is a big ask and turns out he can't. I don't think he realized he couldn't either, until he tried it. He was always an involved and loving dad when we had 1 and I was primary parent.

We know something has got to give. I can get another job easily and learn to like it. But it's complicated because I have a team and hundreds of vulnerable students relying on me. If I leave, the entire organization will shut down, team will lose jobs in a difficult market (they are not in the US), and a lot of people will suffer. I don't mean they'll die or anything, but it would be a betrayal. I don't want to give more details because I feel like I've provided too much personal info already and anyone who knows me will recognize me from this post.

I had no idea it would be so much work and grow so fast. When I started with it, it was just a part-time, freelance project. It's taken off and grown into this monster of a thing that I can't handle on my own, but all the responsibility has been shifted onto me, initial founders exited, and there is no other "adult in the room" who can take it on.

It sounds like you agreed and got paid to do a manageable job you were compensated for and then basically took on tons of responsibility as other people left on essentially a volunteer basis. It’s awesome to feel useful and like you are doing important work, absolutely. But at the end of the day people will always try to get more out of a good, motivated person who will work especially for free. I’m in public health and if I could work 24/7 and do more good. No one will draw boundaries for you; you have to do it for yourself. And I get how the tension is there if your husband is working a less “meaningful job”, it’s easy to feel like yours should be the priority but you have to forget all that and remember you have a commitment to your family first. You don’t have to quit but you have to have boundaries and time for your spouse and kids. I would try really hard not to work more hours than you have childcare for. Whether that is because someone else is doing more of the work of some of it isn’t getting done its better than burning out or destroying your family life.

Adding that I don’t really care about your husband in all of this. He sounds like he’s not going to change so you have to do what needs to be done to make your children feel loved and cared for.

[Anonymous]

This husband is a LOSER. I hope he reads this. Men like him make me suck, making their wives do everything because they’re the only ones who worry about their kids.

He needs to either GET OVER himself and suck up his dislike of parenting OR make more money to hire more childcare.

But huffing and puffing and whining like a child is NOT IT.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Wow, this blew up. DH and I read the responses together.

A few clarifications

(1) His parents are dead and mine struggle to handle a toddler due to bad health / physical shape. Maybe in a couple of years.
(2) I did not bully him into having the 2nd kid, it seemed like a reasonable compromise to us both at the time. We were too cerebral and mathematical in thinking about it, clearly.
(3) Both kids love him, there are lots of hugs and kisses and jumping all over him when he walks thru the door. However, we agree that soon enough they will pick up on the resentment so we can't keep going on like this.
(4) What about solo time on weekends? What about evenings?

Here, we get to what DH and I realized is the crux of the issue. We are just too overloaded.

Before, I used to freelance part-time and had more time and energy. I was the primary parent, and there was plenty of couple time in the evenings. Recently, I got a dream job which has turned out to be nearly full-time. It is nonprofit and it is exactly what I always dreamed of doing since I was a kid. I can't tell you how much I love it after a decade of putting his career first.

But there is no money. So, it means that I have to work more but we can't afford more childcare and household help. I don't have time during the day for errands, cooking, etc. I am also picking up the slack by working in the evenings (our childcare is part-time). And, my DH has had to take on household and parenting 50/50. And he hates that.

We try to teach the kids to be more polite but we are both too exhausted to parent as well as we should. I mean, the older one can entertain herself for hours and regularly does that - reading or going outside to play with neighbors. But the toddler is 2. So there's no getting around the neediness there.

Maybe we should have somehow predicted that this would happen, but we were the first of our friends to get married, much less have kids, and young women are doused in this go-getter "you can have it all" nonsense since middle school. So, we honestly thought we could both have careers we loved and kids and the help we needed.

Well toddlers are annoying and some people at the end of the day just don't want to be grabbed out and loud sounds are just miserable.
That being said, there isn't too much of a fix until the get older.
But don't make the mistake of thinking you can't use an ipad or tv to entertain them. I know a lot of parents get really hung up on that and just do yourselves a favor and don't. Your kid's brain won't rot.

I am sure your non profit job is really cool but if you keep it you will be broke. And tbh a job you always dreamed of? meh, once you are underpaid at it for a while you wont' be as thrilled with it. I know it sounds blase but get a new dream. When you decided that was your dream job years back you were a different person. Now you are a wife with 2 kids. You aren't giving up something . You are moving on.
It's normal but you are viewing it as this major life loss. Our kids are in high school now. I laugh at how silly we clung tot stuff like that in the early years.

Start low key entertaining your toddler. Ask them to go find something that is - insert thing here - and bring it to you. Then ask them again. and again. Something like hey can you bring me a teddy bear. Ok they bring you one. Ohhh wait I don't know about this teddy bear. Can you bring me another one? It keeps them occupied and it literally takes no brain power so you can do something else at the same time.

I agree with all of this.

It seems kind of odd that you and your husband are both so invested in framing this as resentment about the existence of your child when it really seems that a big part of it is resentment over your new job. You took a job that requires a lot more work with no additional income. I mean, basically, you picked up a stressful and time consuming hobby.

Why are you two both saying that it’s the kid and not the job? Is there a lot of guilt over saying that it’s the job?

OP. No, we just didn't connect the dots at first. But it's really both. I took this job AND my DH is unhappy being the primary parent. I was hoping he could step up for a few years and cover for me, which is a big ask and turns out he can't. I don't think he realized he couldn't either, until he tried it. He was always an involved and loving dad when we had 1 and I was primary parent.

We know something has got to give. I can get another job easily and learn to like it. But it's complicated because I have a team and hundreds of vulnerable students relying on me. If I leave, the entire organization will shut down, team will lose jobs in a difficult market (they are not in the US), and a lot of people will suffer. I don't mean they'll die or anything, but it would be a betrayal. I don't want to give more details because I feel like I've provided too much personal info already and anyone who knows me will recognize me from this post.

I had no idea it would be so much work and grow so fast. When I started with it, it was just a part-time, freelance project. It's taken off and grown into this monster of a thing that I can't handle on my own, but all the responsibility has been shifted onto me, initial founders exited, and there is no other "adult in the room" who can take it on.

This is crazy talk. No wonder you have problems at home. Your job is NOt that important. You clearly think it is, but it is not. You need a reality check.

+1. OP seems flat out insane. She’s apparently so vital to her company and the well-being of hundreds of ppl but gets paid so little she can’t afford even part time childcare. She’s like Milton from Office Space.

Agree. If she cannot live off her salary (and that includes the childcare needed to perform the work) then she is essentially volunteering much of her time. And no one with young children should be volunteering to this extent if it’s harming their family. I also think it’s telling that all the other senior people have left so now OP is handling it alone. Clearly this organization isn’t solvent if leaders keep leaving. Sounds like OP needs to fundraise and/or hand some things off to a person without young kids or find a bunch of bored, older rich people to serve on a volunteer board who can take over some tasks.

[Anonymous]

He's going to bail, it's only a matter of time.

[Anonymous]

I'm the mom, and I feel the DH in this one. You are working in the evenings and leaving him to parent 2 children and do the evening chores alone. I do this, too, because my husband works long hours and brings work home, so he is never truly available. It sucks, and it's not a realistic expectation to expect him to live the lifestyle of a single parent: work all day long, then come home and single parent all evening. Your job doesn't seem like it's worth the hassle. No job is more important than your family, and right now your job is destroying a healthy family dynamic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, be clear, it's not that he CAN'T it's that he DOESN'T want to.

He is using passive aggressive tactics to try to get you to restore the life he liked better, where you did most child rearing AND were very available to him in the evenings. He is trying to manipulate you through your love and concern for your kids. You are not both doing anything, he is playing along but his agenda is clear. Guys like this may not stick around, you HAVE to plan for that re: your earning potential.

He really enjoyed child free life and wants a close approximation of that in his day to day. YOU need to be realistic re: who you married. You are NOT both equally concerned re: impact on the kids, come ON. Actions speak louder than words, OP and HIS are CLEAR if you would just open your eyes.

How about DH ramps up career and makes more so more can be outsourced and he can be "fun dad" as the spirit moves him? OP do you see how a "fun" and "unencumbered" woman who IS available to him and minimum custodial time is a real risk with someone like your DH? He doesn't really even enjoy socializing with other families, he is NOT a family man nor is he adjusting after 5 YEARS. He has shown you who he is, OP. He is NOT equally committed to the well being of the kids, to your dreams and happiness or supporting your career even for a short time.

You could try counseling with someone who does family therapy to educate him re: the impact he is having on the kids but I don't see him changing. And whatever you do OP you need to set yourself up for being able to support yourself and basically solo parent, there are jobs that are a way better fit in that scenario and you need to be targeting those career paths, if not immediately, then soon. Might as well ride out the marriage while it lasts but use the time wisely, OP.

If you got hit by a truck today I guarantee your organization would figure things out.

[Anonymous]

Not sure I'd call it a healthy family dynamic but otherwise agree with PP. Esp if DH is not super into being around kids and prefers adult company and socializing. But, OP, you may have resentment. He is trying to avoid that by being passive aggressive in trying to get you to change.

There is something in you that makes you unrealistic about people, about job requirements and boundaries, etc. When you have the time, something to explore in therapy. As is the dynamic in the family, I'd suggest family therapy for that rather than couples counseling.

Still don't think the marriage will hold if OP becomes ill, etc. The way he is relating to the kids and using her love for the kids to manipulate OP rather than both having frank and realistic discussions is troubling.This is the kind of guy who cheats to reclaim a bit of that prior single guy liking a lot of female attention lifestyle. Be realistic about THAT OP.

[Anonymous]

And no judgment, OP, I married someone like that too. When one child had some medical issues he had an affair and bailed. It's shockingly common for men to do so esp if wives become ill or have an accident. I should have been better prepared. And the more I was committed to making the family work the less he was invested and just kind of orbiting, then when there was a stressor, just went for an "easier and more fun life." We can't control other people and it is on me that I did not set myself up better.

When you say he was an "involved" father of one what did that actually look like? The fun stuff that was narcissistic supply? Guys like this really preferred being child free and can't wait for those days to return, a cautionary tale...and a common one.

[Anonymous]

Why the hell is everyone insisting that OP needs to give up her dream job here? If those kinds of career changes are so important, how about DH get a higher-paying job so they can afford some help?

[Anonymous]

OP is very likely to end up divorced and needs a job that will work with being a single mom. Or, should her marriage limp along, someone needs to have that emotional connection to very young kids that DH is withholding. He wants her to be a primary parent and cater to him with plenty of adult time. Her current almost volunteer job does not mesh with either marriage scenario above.

[Anonymous]

OP, is he willing to change jobs to increase income enough to hire a loving nanny? Will the youngest be eligible for free preschool soon? How much childcare do you currently have?

DH does not just not want to be a hands off parent, he ALSO wants a lot of alone time with his wife. He is such an affair risk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Wow, this blew up. DH and I read the responses together.

A few clarifications

(1) His parents are dead and mine struggle to handle a toddler due to bad health / physical shape. Maybe in a couple of years.
(2) I did not bully him into having the 2nd kid, it seemed like a reasonable compromise to us both at the time. We were too cerebral and mathematical in thinking about it, clearly.
(3) Both kids love him, there are lots of hugs and kisses and jumping all over him when he walks thru the door. However, we agree that soon enough they will pick up on the resentment so we can't keep going on like this.
(4) What about solo time on weekends? What about evenings?

Here, we get to what DH and I realized is the crux of the issue. We are just too overloaded.

Before, I used to freelance part-time and had more time and energy. I was the primary parent, and there was plenty of couple time in the evenings. Recently, I got a dream job which has turned out to be nearly full-time. It is nonprofit and it is exactly what I always dreamed of doing since I was a kid. I can't tell you how much I love it after a decade of putting his career first.

But there is no money. So, it means that I have to work more but we can't afford more childcare and household help. I don't have time during the day for errands, cooking, etc. I am also picking up the slack by working in the evenings (our childcare is part-time). And, my DH has had to take on household and parenting 50/50. And he hates that.

We try to teach the kids to be more polite but we are both too exhausted to parent as well as we should. I mean, the older one can entertain herself for hours and regularly does that - reading or going outside to play with neighbors. But the toddler is 2. So there's no getting around the neediness there.

Maybe we should have somehow predicted that this would happen, but we were the first of our friends to get married, much less have kids, and young women are doused in this go-getter "you can have it all" nonsense since middle school. So, we honestly thought we could both have careers we loved and kids and the help we needed.

Well toddlers are annoying and some people at the end of the day just don't want to be grabbed out and loud sounds are just miserable.
That being said, there isn't too much of a fix until the get older.
But don't make the mistake of thinking you can't use an ipad or tv to entertain them. I know a lot of parents get really hung up on that and just do yourselves a favor and don't. Your kid's brain won't rot.

I am sure your non profit job is really cool but if you keep it you will be broke. And tbh a job you always dreamed of? meh, once you are underpaid at it for a while you wont' be as thrilled with it. I know it sounds blase but get a new dream. When you decided that was your dream job years back you were a different person. Now you are a wife with 2 kids. You aren't giving up something . You are moving on.
It's normal but you are viewing it as this major life loss. Our kids are in high school now. I laugh at how silly we clung tot stuff like that in the early years.

Start low key entertaining your toddler. Ask them to go find something that is - insert thing here - and bring it to you. Then ask them again. and again. Something like hey can you bring me a teddy bear. Ok they bring you one. Ohhh wait I don't know about this teddy bear. Can you bring me another one? It keeps them occupied and it literally takes no brain power so you can do something else at the same time.

I agree with all of this.

It seems kind of odd that you and your husband are both so invested in framing this as resentment about the existence of your child when it really seems that a big part of it is resentment over your new job. You took a job that requires a lot more work with no additional income. I mean, basically, you picked up a stressful and time consuming hobby.

Why are you two both saying that it’s the kid and not the job? Is there a lot of guilt over saying that it’s the job?

OP. No, we just didn't connect the dots at first. But it's really both. I took this job AND my DH is unhappy being the primary parent. I was hoping he could step up for a few years and cover for me, which is a big ask and turns out he can't. I don't think he realized he couldn't either, until he tried it. He was always an involved and loving dad when we had 1 and I was primary parent.

We know something has got to give. I can get another job easily and learn to like it. But it's complicated because I have a team and hundreds of vulnerable students relying on me. If I leave, the entire organization will shut down, team will lose jobs in a difficult market (they are not in the US), and a lot of people will suffer. I don't mean they'll die or anything, but it would be a betrayal. I don't want to give more details because I feel like I've provided too much personal info already and anyone who knows me will recognize me from this post.

I had no idea it would be so much work and grow so fast. When I started with it, it was just a part-time, freelance project. It's taken off and grown into this monster of a thing that I can't handle on my own, but all the responsibility has been shifted onto me, initial founders exited, and there is no other "adult in the room" who can take it on.

Wow! The non profit is so poorly managed and staffed that the entire operation hinges on one. single. person even though they are providing services to people that would suffer greatly without them. How does that even make sense? Hint: It doesn't. The people served by the program aren't going to obsess over you leaving. Sure they might be sad, but they aren't going to put effort into feeling betrayed. At least not for long. They have their own lives and better things to focus on.

But for sake of argument, let's say, yeah they don't find someone else to come in and do the job. That signals that the organization no longer is valuing that program because they are deciding to not fill the role.

It's very easy in the early years to really get caught up in believing that you are losing yourself and this job, this career is defining you. Are you clinging to this job and the version of you, you once were or thought you would be? Let go. It's ok. You will move on. The thing is once you let go, everything becomes a little bit easier.

[Anonymous]

The people suggesting the DH should just find a way to make more income.....? Bonkers.

DH wanted one kid. He's currently working a full time job plus handling the bulk of household responsibilities. So that OP can effectively be in a hobby volunteer position that consumes more hours than a full time job.