DH Can’t Stand Having Two Kids… 2 Years Later

[Anonymous]

While this was the plan, it does not seem to be what is actually happening. DH wants his evenings free and his wife's attention and is acting "sad" so she will go back to what he preferred.

I'm still stumped as to how "involved" he genuinely was if he does not even enjoy socializing with other families lest their own very young children speak to them. He is not a family man.

OP, does DH's job not involve interacting with others? Why is he so needy for adult interaction even with hanging out with friends with kids? I suspect the answer is that it is just not his preference to be around kids but maybe there is info that is missing.

I do hope that OP is a troll. The coming back with new and different info is a hallmark. I don't really see a guy like OP has described pouring over DCUM with his wife, kwim? Hitting the bong or the bottle would be more plausible.

plus handling the bulk of household responsibilities

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have a third, then he’ll long for the days of two.
Just kidding.
Most of the solution is time; it gets better.
The rest of the solution lies with your husband, does he see that his attitude is making things more difficult and what can he do to adjust the attitude.
Kid-free time is helpful. With two young kids we usually split the weekend so each person got a good 4-5 hours to do with as they pleased.

This. Give him 4-5 hours on his own say Saturday morning while you take the kids to the park and out to a cheap kid friendly lunch. Hopefully he can do the same another day. Maybe that will cheer him up. And if not, maybe he might want to talk to a therapist (they’re getting cheaper with the internet ones which many insurance companies do cover.)

This is a great idea. take to the library, park, restaurant etc... sometimes, being at home makes it worse.
Definitely give him this time and eventually he should do the same and give you some me time as well.

1. why should he "eventually do the same". Why can't he do it the following week
2. I guarantee it won't be "eventually". It will be 1 hour at most if he does it, then none because he can't handle it

[Anonymous]

You wanted him to be a loving and caring dad, he is not.

You wanted him to step up and prioritize supporting you and your dream for a few years, he has not.

All the rest is just details, OP. And do not assume he is super committed to you or the family bc the above suggests otherwise. And he is not even mature enough to use his words and to do problem solving in partnership with you. Instead he gaslights and manipulates with his "sads" and his "happies" when completely child free and esp when the focus of a woman (when your child free status was restored for a weekend.)

Some guys do better when they have dad friends to model from but, not him. He resents their kids too!

There are some more dots you are not connecting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have a third, then he’ll long for the days of two.
Just kidding.
Most of the solution is time; it gets better.
The rest of the solution lies with your husband, does he see that his attitude is making things more difficult and what can he do to adjust the attitude.
Kid-free time is helpful. With two young kids we usually split the weekend so each person got a good 4-5 hours to do with as they pleased.

This. Give him 4-5 hours on his own say Saturday morning while you take the kids to the park and out to a cheap kid friendly lunch. Hopefully he can do the same another day. Maybe that will cheer him up. And if not, maybe he might want to talk to a therapist (they’re getting cheaper with the internet ones which many insurance companies do cover.)

This is a great idea. take to the library, park, restaurant etc... sometimes, being at home makes it worse.
Definitely give him this time and eventually he should do the same and give you some me time as well.

1. why should he "eventually do the same". Why can't he do it the following week
2. I guarantee it won't be "eventually". It will be 1 hour at most if he does it, then none because he can't handle it

It's not that he CAN'T he simply does not WANT to.

He does not want to spend much time with his kids or anyone else's.

He wants to be childfree and the focus of his wife's attention.

Not support his wife, ensure she has free time, etc.

The kids are likely harder to handle because they are picking up on the unhealthy dynamics and OP and DH have not invested in manners, etc by her own account. But when they sense his pulling back they will act wild to get negative attention rather than none at all. They will act out even more emotionally because of his modeling. Why be nice to be around when pouting, etc. are the power moves in the family?

OP, your picker was broken both when choosing this guy and with choosing your job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The people suggesting the DH should just find a way to make more income.....? Bonkers.

DH wanted one kid. He's currently working a full time job plus handling the bulk of household responsibilities. So that OP can effectively be in a hobby volunteer position that consumes more hours than a full time job.

Actually it’s the people suggesting OP give up her dream job that are bonkers. Also he is not doing the bulk of household but finally being asked to do 50% of the childrearing instead of almost nothing. Ie he is finally being asked to be an adult in any equal partnership rather than being taken care of by a wife and protected from the challenging tasks of parenting.

Outsourcing his fair share is a reasonable suggestion as is the suggestion that he be responsible in financing that,

[Anonymous]

It sounds like an issue between you and your DH rather than specifically about the number of kids. Yes, it's irritating to have kids sometimes, but you have them, and DH needs to figure out how to accept that. We have two kids and one has special needs, and DH and I both are exhausted and wish he didn't have SN, but we can't change it. We love him, and we don't blame each other for the situation. You and DH need to figure out how to get to that point. I'm not saying it's easy or that we never fight or get mad or long for something that will never be, but it sounds like this is something where you are sensitive to his frustration about it and take it personally, and he blames the situation and his frustration on you. Therapy for you two will help.

Also - it might help if he can focus on what perhaps he can love about kid #2. Toddlers are hard, but hopefully he can come through this and focus on the kid. It isn't fair to the kid that DH acts like the toddler ruined his life by existing. This will be apparent to the kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Wow, this blew up. DH and I read the responses together.

A few clarifications

(1) His parents are dead and mine struggle to handle a toddler due to bad health / physical shape. Maybe in a couple of years.
(2) I did not bully him into having the 2nd kid, it seemed like a reasonable compromise to us both at the time. We were too cerebral and mathematical in thinking about it, clearly.
(3) Both kids love him, there are lots of hugs and kisses and jumping all over him when he walks thru the door. However, we agree that soon enough they will pick up on the resentment so we can't keep going on like this.
(4) What about solo time on weekends? What about evenings?

Here, we get to what DH and I realized is the crux of the issue. We are just too overloaded.

Before, I used to freelance part-time and had more time and energy. I was the primary parent, and there was plenty of couple time in the evenings. Recently, I got a dream job which has turned out to be nearly full-time. It is nonprofit and it is exactly what I always dreamed of doing since I was a kid. I can't tell you how much I love it after a decade of putting his career first.

But there is no money. So, it means that I have to work more but we can't afford more childcare and household help. I don't have time during the day for errands, cooking, etc. I am also picking up the slack by working in the evenings (our childcare is part-time). And, my DH has had to take on household and parenting 50/50. And he hates that.

We try to teach the kids to be more polite but we are both too exhausted to parent as well as we should. I mean, the older one can entertain herself for hours and regularly does that - reading or going outside to play with neighbors. But the toddler is 2. So there's no getting around the neediness there.

Maybe we should have somehow predicted that this would happen, but we were the first of our friends to get married, much less have kids, and young women are doused in this go-getter "you can have it all" nonsense since middle school. So, we honestly thought we could both have careers we loved and kids and the help we needed.

Well toddlers are annoying and some people at the end of the day just don't want to be grabbed out and loud sounds are just miserable.
That being said, there isn't too much of a fix until the get older.
But don't make the mistake of thinking you can't use an ipad or tv to entertain them. I know a lot of parents get really hung up on that and just do yourselves a favor and don't. Your kid's brain won't rot.

I am sure your non profit job is really cool but if you keep it you will be broke. And tbh a job you always dreamed of? meh, once you are underpaid at it for a while you wont' be as thrilled with it. I know it sounds blase but get a new dream. When you decided that was your dream job years back you were a different person. Now you are a wife with 2 kids. You aren't giving up something . You are moving on.
It's normal but you are viewing it as this major life loss. Our kids are in high school now. I laugh at how silly we clung tot stuff like that in the early years.

Start low key entertaining your toddler. Ask them to go find something that is - insert thing here - and bring it to you. Then ask them again. and again. Something like hey can you bring me a teddy bear. Ok they bring you one. Ohhh wait I don't know about this teddy bear. Can you bring me another one? It keeps them occupied and it literally takes no brain power so you can do something else at the same time.

I agree with all of this.

It seems kind of odd that you and your husband are both so invested in framing this as resentment about the existence of your child when it really seems that a big part of it is resentment over your new job. You took a job that requires a lot more work with no additional income. I mean, basically, you picked up a stressful and time consuming hobby.

Why are you two both saying that it’s the kid and not the job? Is there a lot of guilt over saying that it’s the job?

OP. No, we just didn't connect the dots at first. But it's really both. I took this job AND my DH is unhappy being the primary parent. I was hoping he could step up for a few years and cover for me, which is a big ask and turns out he can't. I don't think he realized he couldn't either, until he tried it. He was always an involved and loving dad when we had 1 and I was primary parent.

We know something has got to give. I can get another job easily and learn to like it. But it's complicated because I have a team and hundreds of vulnerable students relying on me. If I leave, the entire organization will shut down, team will lose jobs in a difficult market (they are not in the US), and a lot of people will suffer. I don't mean they'll die or anything, but it would be a betrayal. I don't want to give more details because I feel like I've provided too much personal info already and anyone who knows me will recognize me from this post.

I had no idea it would be so much work and grow so fast. When I started with it, it was just a part-time, freelance project. It's taken off and grown into this monster of a thing that I can't handle on my own, but all the responsibility has been shifted onto me, initial founders exited, and there is no other "adult in the room" who can take it on.

It sounds like you agreed and got paid to do a manageable job you were compensated for and then basically took on tons of responsibility as other people left on essentially a volunteer basis. It’s awesome to feel useful and like you are doing important work, absolutely. But at the end of the day people will always try to get more out of a good, motivated person who will work especially for free. I’m in public health and if I could work 24/7 and do more good. No one will draw boundaries for you; you have to do it for yourself. And I get how the tension is there if your husband is working a less “meaningful job”, it’s easy to feel like yours should be the priority but you have to forget all that and remember you have a commitment to your family first. You don’t have to quit but you have to have boundaries and time for your spouse and kids. I would try really hard not to work more hours than you have childcare for. Whether that is because someone else is doing more of the work of some of it isn’t getting done its better than burning out or destroying your family life.

+1.

I feel where you are coming from here, OP. I also work in healthcare and have a job where I could work all of the time and still be asked to do more. I also married a man who probably chose me, at least in part, because I had no boundaries. I also struggled to set boundaries with my children and they invaded my physical and mental space constantly.

My suggestion is to find some role models somewhere who do set appropriate boundaries at work and at home and follow their example. You will probably feel like a shrew at first, but you will get your life back. Otherwise, you will break. My experience was that my body just stopped functioning the way that it should, and I was sick all of the time with increasingly severe illnesses until I was forced to take a step back and care for myself.

[Anonymous]

He is not going to change. Accept this and these are your choices:

Accept him as he is and stay.
Leave him.
Hire 24/7 nannies if you stay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You wanted him to be a loving and caring dad, he is not.

You wanted him to step up and prioritize supporting you and your dream for a few years, he has not.

All the rest is just details, OP. And do not assume he is super committed to you or the family bc the above suggests otherwise. And he is not even mature enough to use his words and to do problem solving in partnership with you. Instead he gaslights and manipulates with his "sads" and his "happies" when completely child free and esp when the focus of a woman (when your child free status was restored for a weekend.)

Some guys do better when they have dad friends to model from but, not him. He resents their kids too!

There are some more dots you are not connecting.

This. And I will add that in the world of work, we all have to remember we are not the story. It can feel like we are so good at something, people or programs need us, etc. but it’s NOT true. You can get hit by a truck tomorrow and the organization will figure it out.

Prioritize you, your family, your finances.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He is not going to change. Accept this and these are your choices:

Accept him as he is and stay.
Leave him.
Hire 24/7 nannies if you stay.

#3 is unrealistic unless OP wins the lottery

#2 is going to make logistics and finances far more stressful

#1 is likely your best bet, OP, and that is being REALISTIC about what will make him most likely to stay while also creating the most family friendly career for you that can be ramped up to become more lucrative in case he chooses not to stay, the divorce rate is something else to be realistic about

Therapy for you to explore boundaries, process the resentment you likely do or will feel, etc. That feeling of being "needed" can be like a drug, whether at work or from a guy we are dating who can't get enough of our attention but it can also prevent a clear eyed view of the situation or person. The kids are here now and this guy is your husband. Divorce tends to make many problems worse and isn't likely to fix yours. So, make the best of things and work on radical acceptance of what is and what you can control.

There are likely a lot of childhood issues at play for you, why you chose this guy, feel so hooked at work, have created an impossible situation from which you hoped DH would be the white knight, etc. Instead think of him as an emotionally manipulative 3rd child, more or less and think what kind of family is realistic with the pieces that are in play. You are going to need to really emotionally connect with the kids with a secure attachment style bc he does not. But, you may need to step up financially in the future, another reality you need to lay the groundwork for.

Step one: come up with a realistic plan re: scaling back work to your degree of childcare coverage and bringing that along with a pitch for a raise to your funders. If all the other adults have left the room, there IS money. But again, OP, read the room, what did they all see that you are glossing over with stars in your eyes? With more money you can outsource some care and cleaning. The kids still need a lot of love and nurture from you.

Good luck! With the guy you picked you are going to need it I am afraid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The people suggesting the DH should just find a way to make more income.....? Bonkers.

DH wanted one kid. He's currently working a full time job plus handling the bulk of household responsibilities. So that OP can effectively be in a hobby volunteer position that consumes more hours than a full time job.

Actually it’s the people suggesting OP give up her dream job that are bonkers. Also he is not doing the bulk of household but finally being asked to do 50% of the childrearing instead of almost nothing. Ie he is finally being asked to be an adult in any equal partnership rather than being taken care of by a wife and protected from the challenging tasks of parenting.

Outsourcing his fair share is a reasonable suggestion as is the suggestion that he be responsible in financing that,

In most households with 2 working parents, both parents are working during the daytime, and they come home and split childcare duties at night. There are always 2 pairs of hands on deck. Or there might be alternate nights where one parent gets to go out and do something fun, and the next night it's the other parent's turn. But that's not what it sounds like is happening here. DH is coming home after a full day of work, and then his wife is working and he is saddled with all of the evening childcare. That's not a healthy setup for anyone. Their options are to get full time childcare during the day so they are both on deck in the evenings, or she can quit her low-paying hobby job. Another option would be to get an evening mother's helper, a teen who will work for a lower pay rate and make evenings easier. But it still doesn't seem fair to the father to have to single parent every day of the week in the evenings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The people suggesting the DH should just find a way to make more income.....? Bonkers.

DH wanted one kid. He's currently working a full time job plus handling the bulk of household responsibilities. So that OP can effectively be in a hobby volunteer position that consumes more hours than a full time job.

Actually it’s the people suggesting OP give up her dream job that are bonkers. Also he is not doing the bulk of household but finally being asked to do 50% of the childrearing instead of almost nothing. Ie he is finally being asked to be an adult in any equal partnership rather than being taken care of by a wife and protected from the challenging tasks of parenting.

Outsourcing his fair share is a reasonable suggestion as is the suggestion that he be responsible in financing that,

In most households with 2 working parents, both parents are working during the daytime, and they come home and split childcare duties at night. There are always 2 pairs of hands on deck. Or there might be alternate nights where one parent gets to go out and do something fun, and the next night it's the other parent's turn. But that's not what it sounds like is happening here. DH is coming home after a full day of work, and then his wife is working and he is saddled with all of the evening childcare. That's not a healthy setup for anyone. Their options are to get full time childcare during the day so they are both on deck in the evenings, or she can quit her low-paying hobby job. Another option would be to get an evening mother's helper, a teen who will work for a lower pay rate and make evenings easier. But it still doesn't seem fair to the father to have to single parent every day of the week in the evenings.

The only reason she is working evenings is that they only have part time childcare which means she is the childcare during the rest of the daytime hours. Plenty of people save on childcare by shifting work schedules so that one parent is on childcare duty while the other works and vice versa. Op has said childcare is 50-50. op has a full day of work which she splits between daytime and evening - her dh has a full days of work and covers evenings. This is fair. It’s her DREAM job not a hobby job. She’s been supporting him now it’s his turn to reciprocate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The people suggesting the DH should just find a way to make more income.....? Bonkers.

DH wanted one kid. He's currently working a full time job plus handling the bulk of household responsibilities. So that OP can effectively be in a hobby volunteer position that consumes more hours than a full time job.

Actually it’s the people suggesting OP give up her dream job that are bonkers. Also he is not doing the bulk of household but finally being asked to do 50% of the childrearing instead of almost nothing. Ie he is finally being asked to be an adult in any equal partnership rather than being taken care of by a wife and protected from the challenging tasks of parenting.

Outsourcing his fair share is a reasonable suggestion as is the suggestion that he be responsible in financing that,

In most households with 2 working parents, both parents are working during the daytime, and they come home and split childcare duties at night. There are always 2 pairs of hands on deck. Or there might be alternate nights where one parent gets to go out and do something fun, and the next night it's the other parent's turn. But that's not what it sounds like is happening here. DH is coming home after a full day of work, and then his wife is working and he is saddled with all of the evening childcare. That's not a healthy setup for anyone. Their options are to get full time childcare during the day so they are both on deck in the evenings, or she can quit her low-paying hobby job. Another option would be to get an evening mother's helper, a teen who will work for a lower pay rate and make evenings easier. But it still doesn't seem fair to the father to have to single parent every day of the week in the evenings.

The only reason she is working evenings is that they only have part time childcare which means she is the childcare during the rest of the daytime hours. Plenty of people save on childcare by shifting work schedules so that one parent is on childcare duty while the other works and vice versa. Op has said childcare is 50-50. op has a full day of work which she splits between daytime and evening - her dh has a full days of work and covers evenings. This is fair. It’s her DREAM job not a hobby job. She’s been supporting him now it’s his turn to reciprocate.

If it's so low pay that it can't cover basic childcare, then it's a HOBBY JOB. Not a real job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The people suggesting the DH should just find a way to make more income.....? Bonkers.

DH wanted one kid. He's currently working a full time job plus handling the bulk of household responsibilities. So that OP can effectively be in a hobby volunteer position that consumes more hours than a full time job.

Actually it’s the people suggesting OP give up her dream job that are bonkers. Also he is not doing the bulk of household but finally being asked to do 50% of the childrearing instead of almost nothing. Ie he is finally being asked to be an adult in any equal partnership rather than being taken care of by a wife and protected from the challenging tasks of parenting.

Outsourcing his fair share is a reasonable suggestion as is the suggestion that he be responsible in financing that,

In most households with 2 working parents, both parents are working during the daytime, and they come home and split childcare duties at night. There are always 2 pairs of hands on deck. Or there might be alternate nights where one parent gets to go out and do something fun, and the next night it's the other parent's turn. But that's not what it sounds like is happening here. DH is coming home after a full day of work, and then his wife is working and he is saddled with all of the evening childcare. That's not a healthy setup for anyone. Their options are to get full time childcare during the day so they are both on deck in the evenings, or she can quit her low-paying hobby job. Another option would be to get an evening mother's helper, a teen who will work for a lower pay rate and make evenings easier. But it still doesn't seem fair to the father to have to single parent every day of the week in the evenings.

The only reason she is working evenings is that they only have part time childcare which means she is the childcare during the rest of the daytime hours. Plenty of people save on childcare by shifting work schedules so that one parent is on childcare duty while the other works and vice versa. Op has said childcare is 50-50. op has a full day of work which she splits between daytime and evening - her dh has a full days of work and covers evenings. This is fair. It’s her DREAM job not a hobby job. She’s been supporting him now it’s his turn to reciprocate.

If it's so low pay that it can't cover basic childcare, then it's a HOBBY JOB. Not a real job.

Well the husband is also in a hobby job since his job doesn’t pay enough for childcare either. Why should she be the one to Chance jobs when she has already sacrificed on the job front. They are both in „hobby“ jobs and it is his turn to step up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He doesn't yell or swear,.consider yourself lucky and leave him be! He's allowed to have his feelings.

Most dads are crap parents. I see it all the time.

Yeah, but the problem is that he’s also a crap partner. He’s miserable to be around. He whines all the time. Yeah, raising little kids is hard. But it doesn’t get easier with nonstop complaining.

I can see that. It's all hard AF. I've begun to resent all the work and noise and interruptions, too. I complain about it less than H, but if he is yelling and angry at the kids it actually makes me more likely to yell and be angry too. I try to give him lots of time off to golf or whatever, but sometimes he just chooses to sit around and be miserable.

I'm just saying it's a common problem.

In your house or are you generalizing? This is not a common problem in general.

Are you kidding? A group of moms voted a Governor in just because they hated seeing their children 24/7 for a year or more.

If anything, I think the pandemic forced a lot of parents to come to a public recognition that they only enjoy parenting if it’s a 2 hour or less daily commitment.

+1,000,000

It's almost unfathomable how many people keep missing the point of the pandemic and childcare. It's not that most parents don't want to be around their kids, it's that we don't want to be forced to work AND watch our kids AND oversee their "education" simultaneously, all while Sanctimonious Sarah over here tells us we should "enjoy these moments."

I still think this DH is a glassbowl.

This song is so damn tired. In the DCUM demographic, if you didn’t want to deal with your kids while working during a pandemic, you PAID FOR CHILDCARE. The tantrums were because so many wealthy (they don’t “consider” themselves wealthy, but they are), house-poor-by-choice refused to do that and demanded their childcare for free. Boo hoo.