I don't want to be under pressure when my DH isn't

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:OP you should’ve married my DH. All he cares about is work and making more money. We have barely spent time with him for nearly 10 years because of it.

Check your priorities.

Yeah I was shocked when she said that they take one vacation a year, if any. Sounds like OP is so focused on her kids future when they are 18+ that's she's missing out on a lot of bonding and important stuff when they are young

I would get the side eye big time at work if i tired to take 3 (a few) vacations a year. I would love to, believe me.
DH enjoys his copious free time off though.

Because I miss my kids I spend every minute of every weekend with them. I realize I sound pretty frank in this thread but I am a very maternal mother and have a great relationship with my kids. They are my universe and the reason I do everything I do. I want a divorce but haven't done it yet because I don't want to mess them up.

Look, if i got a lower stress job or just stopped caring so much about getting promoted, sure, we would be ok. But I would sorely miss the feeling of making progress towards financial goals. I am a "long time horizon" person, that's just me. I was the kid who didn't eat the marshmallow. I worry about the future, and with good reason in my family many times!!! I always anticipate things that could go wrong and avoid them. I don't want to be foot loose and fancy free a few paychecks away from disaster, no thank you!

If you cannot (CANNOT) take more than one vacation a year, you need to change jobs. You are not going to look back when you are 80 and feel warm fuzzies about all that time you didn't take off.

RE footloose and fancy-free being a few paychecks away from disaster: You've created a false dichotomy. You can be financially stable and e.g. have a robust emergency fund, a vacation fund, and cover college tuitions, yet not be in a position to e.g. make the down payment on your children's first houses. It's not all or nothing.

Life is not a dress rehearsal. Think about what you want for your children and yourself NOW.

PP here. I have never taken more than one vacation a year in 20 years and I work for a nonprofit. Saying she has to switch jobs for this reason is ridiculous.

Wow, what nonprofit is that? I was getting 6 weeks of leave a year when I worked for a non profit - what do you do, sit at home burning your leave? That seems sad.

Technically I get four weeks...I can't take it. I have too many deadlines. I only took 6 weeks of maternity leave for my kids. Everyone else got 4 months. I do more than one person's job. It is just the way it has been for me...so don't act like everyone working can just take multiple vacations a year.

My guess is you are one of these people who just love to martyr themselves. You probably own a home, a few cars, take vacation, “have” to pay for kid’s’ extracurriculars, eat out a few times a month. You are doing this to yourself.

You'd be wrong. I just have a challenging job. I guess you don't. I have to take random days off when I can. I only take one week a year. Deadlines don't have vacation. It is all year. I don't eat out. I don't take vacation (I stay home), I have one car.

LOL. OP you sound very important with your desk job and deadlines. The world will simply stop spinning if you take a day off I’m sure.

I seriously want to know her industry. It sounds like non-profit journalism/publishing? Which BAFFLES me why she can’t just take leave and someone cover for her.

Because I am literally a staff of one person and they would never hire anybody else because I can do the job of multiple people. This is not uncommon in nonprofit publishing. There is literally no one else on staff to do the work.

So wait, you are are the high earning spouse, and you work in non-profit publishing? Like a trade magazine for an association? And no you can't do the job of multiple people unless you give up your vacation; that's literally false.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you should’ve married my DH. All he cares about is work and making more money. We have barely spent time with him for nearly 10 years because of it.

Check your priorities.

Yeah I was shocked when she said that they take one vacation a year, if any. Sounds like OP is so focused on her kids future when they are 18+ that's she's missing out on a lot of bonding and important stuff when they are young

I would get the side eye big time at work if i tired to take 3 (a few) vacations a year. I would love to, believe me.
DH enjoys his copious free time off though.

Because I miss my kids I spend every minute of every weekend with them. I realize I sound pretty frank in this thread but I am a very maternal mother and have a great relationship with my kids. They are my universe and the reason I do everything I do. I want a divorce but haven't done it yet because I don't want to mess them up.

Look, if i got a lower stress job or just stopped caring so much about getting promoted, sure, we would be ok. But I would sorely miss the feeling of making progress towards financial goals. I am a "long time horizon" person, that's just me. I was the kid who didn't eat the marshmallow. I worry about the future, and with good reason in my family many times!!! I always anticipate things that could go wrong and avoid them. I don't want to be foot loose and fancy free a few paychecks away from disaster, no thank you!

If you cannot (CANNOT) take more than one vacation a year, you need to change jobs. You are not going to look back when you are 80 and feel warm fuzzies about all that time you didn't take off.

RE footloose and fancy-free being a few paychecks away from disaster: You've created a false dichotomy. You can be financially stable and e.g. have a robust emergency fund, a vacation fund, and cover college tuitions, yet not be in a position to e.g. make the down payment on your children's first houses. It's not all or nothing.

Life is not a dress rehearsal. Think about what you want for your children and yourself NOW.

PP here. I have never taken more than one vacation a year in 20 years and I work for a nonprofit. Saying she has to switch jobs for this reason is ridiculous.

Wow, what nonprofit is that? I was getting 6 weeks of leave a year when I worked for a non profit - what do you do, sit at home burning your leave? That seems sad.

Technically I get four weeks...I can't take it. I have too many deadlines. I only took 6 weeks of maternity leave for my kids. Everyone else got 4 months. I do more than one person's job. It is just the way it has been for me...so don't act like everyone working can just take multiple vacations a year.

My guess is you are one of these people who just love to martyr themselves. You probably own a home, a few cars, take vacation, “have” to pay for kid’s’ extracurriculars, eat out a few times a month. You are doing this to yourself.

You'd be wrong. I just have a challenging job. I guess you don't. I have to take random days off when I can. I only take one week a year. Deadlines don't have vacation. It is all year. I don't eat out. I don't take vacation (I stay home), I have one car.

LOL. OP you sound very important with your desk job and deadlines. The world will simply stop spinning if you take a day off I’m sure.

I seriously want to know her industry. It sounds like non-profit journalism/publishing? Which BAFFLES me why she can’t just take leave and someone cover for her.

Because I am literally a staff of one person and they would never hire anybody else because I can do the job of multiple people. This is not uncommon in nonprofit publishing. There is literally no one else on staff to do the work.

So wait, you are are the high earning spouse, and you work in non-profit publishing? Like a trade magazine for an association? And no you can't do the job of multiple people unless you give up your vacation; that's literally false.

OP and the above person are different

[Anonymous]

You need a vacation for real. Publish a mag that spans two months -special Nov/Dec edition and take two weeks off in Dec. Maybe do the special editions give a year so you can take the time off. Negotiate that with your employer. If they don’t accept, then I would seriously consider finding a new job. It doesn’t have to be in publishing. Talk to a career or life coach or chat with your network of publishers and see what they transitioned to after publishing. You sound like hard worker, perfectionist, and are very attentive to detail. Those skills are transferable anywhere. Folks aren’t really reading magazines anymore anyway, why not try communication director somewhere?

It’s okay that this may have been the life you wanted years ago but not the life you want now. My DH switched to a less stressful job a few years ago after being a high earner. And he’s much happier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need a vacation for real. Publish a mag that spans two months -special Nov/Dec edition and take two weeks off in Dec. Maybe do the special editions twice* a year so you can take the time off. Negotiate that with your employer. If they don’t accept, then I would seriously consider finding a new job. It doesn’t have to be in publishing. Talk to a career or life coach or chat with your network of publishers and see what they transitioned to after publishing. You sound like hard worker, perfectionist, and are very attentive to detail. Those skills are transferable anywhere. Folks aren’t really reading magazines anymore anyway, why not try communication director somewhere?

It’s okay that this may have been the life you wanted years ago but not the life you want now. My DH switched to a less stressful job a few years ago after being a high earner. And he’s much happier.

[Anonymous]

I have a high stress job and I earn 2/3 of our income. When I feel jealous of the moms with part time jobs and “hobby jobs” that keep them busy but also allow for workouts and lunch with friends, I remember that what I feel is no different than the stress and pressure male breadwinners feel.

It’s just that society has somehow lead me to believe that I shouldn’t have to work so hard and I should be taken care of.

I’ve found that the key to happiness to make sure my husband takes on most of the mental load of parenting - making appointments, sports sign ups, updating the family calendar, reading school emails, etc.

[Anonymous]

Another idea since you are the only person on the team is to review your deadlines. Are there too many? Which ones are self-imposed that you can get rid of or consolidate? Can you coordinate the content so most of it is ready a month or two in advance? You’re in a unique situation where sure you’re doing everything, but that means you can control your schedule. If content arrives late, it doesn’t make it in this issue. Things like that to make your life easier so you can take a day off every two weeks to just rest. Please set some boundaries for yourself so you can take care of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you should’ve married my DH. All he cares about is work and making more money. We have barely spent time with him for nearly 10 years because of it.

Check your priorities.

Yeah I was shocked when she said that they take one vacation a year, if any. Sounds like OP is so focused on her kids future when they are 18+ that's she's missing out on a lot of bonding and important stuff when they are young

I would get the side eye big time at work if i tired to take 3 (a few) vacations a year. I would love to, believe me.
DH enjoys his copious free time off though.

Because I miss my kids I spend every minute of every weekend with them. I realize I sound pretty frank in this thread but I am a very maternal mother and have a great relationship with my kids. They are my universe and the reason I do everything I do. I want a divorce but haven't done it yet because I don't want to mess them up.

Look, if i got a lower stress job or just stopped caring so much about getting promoted, sure, we would be ok. But I would sorely miss the feeling of making progress towards financial goals. I am a "long time horizon" person, that's just me. I was the kid who didn't eat the marshmallow. I worry about the future, and with good reason in my family many times!!! I always anticipate things that could go wrong and avoid them. I don't want to be foot loose and fancy free a few paychecks away from disaster, no thank you!

If you cannot (CANNOT) take more than one vacation a year, you need to change jobs. You are not going to look back when you are 80 and feel warm fuzzies about all that time you didn't take off.

RE footloose and fancy-free being a few paychecks away from disaster: You've created a false dichotomy. You can be financially stable and e.g. have a robust emergency fund, a vacation fund, and cover college tuitions, yet not be in a position to e.g. make the down payment on your children's first houses. It's not all or nothing.

Life is not a dress rehearsal. Think about what you want for your children and yourself NOW.

PP here. I have never taken more than one vacation a year in 20 years and I work for a nonprofit. Saying she has to switch jobs for this reason is ridiculous.

Wow, what nonprofit is that? I was getting 6 weeks of leave a year when I worked for a non profit - what do you do, sit at home burning your leave? That seems sad.

Technically I get four weeks...I can't take it. I have too many deadlines. I only took 6 weeks of maternity leave for my kids. Everyone else got 4 months. I do more than one person's job. It is just the way it has been for me...so don't act like everyone working can just take multiple vacations a year.

My guess is you are one of these people who just love to martyr themselves. You probably own a home, a few cars, take vacation, “have” to pay for kid’s’ extracurriculars, eat out a few times a month. You are doing this to yourself.

Can you and this PP please take your comments to another thread and stop posting here? You’ve completely hijacked the last 3 pages of the thread and now everyone thinks the martyr PP is the OP.

Yes, this is distracting everyone from giving the original OP the pummeling she so richly deserves.

[Anonymous]

Yes, that’s true. I would be dead. But while I’m alive, I need to stay employed. Not being able to take a vacation as part of the job that I do…it’s not a big deal and people who think it’s a big deal just really are kind of spoiled. Hope he said that she can’t take a lot of vacation and there’s nothing wrong with that and that’s not a reason for her to quit a job. Surgeons work even more. Stop acting like not having a vacation is a huge deal. I was trying to defend OP with her ambitious job when people were saying she should just take a new job because she can’t take vacation, which is insane for a lot of people. I know plenty of people who barely take vacation. I am not an anomaly and OP is not an anomaly.

Wow, talk about Stockholm syndrome. Not having a vacation is a big deal to most people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Yes, that’s true. I would be dead. But while I’m alive, I need to stay employed. Not being able to take a vacation as part of the job that I do…it’s not a big deal and people who think it’s a big deal just really are kind of spoiled. Hope he said that she can’t take a lot of vacation and there’s nothing wrong with that and that’s not a reason for her to quit a job. Surgeons work even more. Stop acting like not having a vacation is a huge deal. I was trying to defend OP with her ambitious job when people were saying she should just take a new job because she can’t take vacation, which is insane for a lot of people. I know plenty of people who barely take vacation. I am not an anomaly and OP is not an anomaly.

Wow, talk about Stockholm syndrome. Not having a vacation is a big deal to most people.

It’s the resort for the majority of people. Get out of your bubble.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Yes, that’s true. I would be dead. But while I’m alive, I need to stay employed. Not being able to take a vacation as part of the job that I do…it’s not a big deal and people who think it’s a big deal just really are kind of spoiled. Hope he said that she can’t take a lot of vacation and there’s nothing wrong with that and that’s not a reason for her to quit a job. Surgeons work even more. Stop acting like not having a vacation is a huge deal. I was trying to defend OP with her ambitious job when people were saying she should just take a new job because she can’t take vacation, which is insane for a lot of people. I know plenty of people who barely take vacation. I am not an anomaly and OP is not an anomaly.

Wow, talk about Stockholm syndrome. Not having a vacation is a big deal to most people.

It’s the resort for the majority of people. Get out of your bubble.

*reality

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:I cannot stand that I have a high stress job and my DH has a low stress (and low paying) job. Why did I do this to myself? I regret marrying him with every bone in my body. Any man who sits and watches his wife endure stress and pressure and is content to take it easy is no man. This is primal and will never change.

Reverse the genders in this. Still true?

I don’t think (straight) men expect to be married to a man with a primal urge to support the family, so…

I agree with this as a man who is the sole breadwinner. Of course, in most families, the man is the one with the high stress job and of the women I know who work with high stress jobs with SAH dads, it rarely works.

It's not fair, men can be just as good at home, but biology seems to play a role here.

I think biology plays a role in why men aren’t just as good at home actually. Men aren’t as good at caretaking and putting others first. When the oxygen masks drop they remind us to put our own on first before helping others because *women* will help kids first. Whereas dads wander into the kitchen to make themselves a sandwich and not give a thought to feeding the kids.

Can people stop posting this? It is total bullshit. Adult men know to feed their children. It is a cultural issue that most of the men married to women on this bird appear to be giant selfish babies.

[Anonymous]

*board

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Yes, that’s true. I would be dead. But while I’m alive, I need to stay employed. Not being able to take a vacation as part of the job that I do…it’s not a big deal and people who think it’s a big deal just really are kind of spoiled. Hope he said that she can’t take a lot of vacation and there’s nothing wrong with that and that’s not a reason for her to quit a job. Surgeons work even more. Stop acting like not having a vacation is a huge deal. I was trying to defend OP with her ambitious job when people were saying she should just take a new job because she can’t take vacation, which is insane for a lot of people. I know plenty of people who barely take vacation. I am not an anomaly and OP is not an anomaly.

Wow, talk about Stockholm syndrome. Not having a vacation is a big deal to most people.

It’s the resort for the majority of people. Get out of your bubble.

*reality

Yes, but not people in the PP's situation. Most people can't afford to take a vacation, either because they don't have enough money, or work on an hourly basis, don't have paid vacation days, and can't afford to miss a paycheck (which amounts to the same thing). We're not talking about them.

The PP has vacation days, has a good job, and hasn't mentioned any financial impediments to a vacation. She is just too busy. She's very, very important, and no one can do her job but her. Maybe that's true, or maybe she is a martyr who is creating all of this pressure to make herself feel important, or make herself feel invaluable to her employer. Either way, it is not normal, and shouldn't be normalized.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Another idea since you are the only person on the team is to review your deadlines. Are there too many? Which ones are self-imposed that you can get rid of or consolidate? Can you coordinate the content so most of it is ready a month or two in advance? You’re in a unique situation where sure you’re doing everything, but that means you can control your schedule. If content arrives late, it doesn’t make it in this issue. Things like that to make your life easier so you can take a day off every two weeks to just rest. Please set some boundaries for yourself so you can take care of you.

I would add maybe try searching for a graduate assistant? If your nonprofit can either swing an hourly wage or a stipend for the intern or perhaps work with a university to provide credit hours. There are folks who may want to break into the industry but don’t know how. It would be a good way to unload some of your more tedious tasks like emails and follow-up and scheduling meetings, while also training someone up (and having a backup when you do take time off).

[Anonymous]

Over the pandemic I learned dh has about 3 hours of work a day, usually. ,He reads works out, does other stuff a lot.So now he gets groceries, does all the appts, takes dog out etc etc. I'm not resentful usually but I did ask him directly to step up more (next step is him actually cooking real food for dinner). I was working all day, running home to get dinner on table And doing family work at night (all the household and children management,. All our finances, etc). I look at it this way, one if us has a low stress flexible yet stable job. If he were working a ton it would be even more stress on me. It's just unfortunate that he's not going to naturally pick up the slack in terms of cooking, cleaning etc but it's getting better