I don't want to be under pressure when my DH isn't

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you should’ve married my DH. All he cares about is work and making more money. We have barely spent time with him for nearly 10 years because of it.

Check your priorities.

Yeah I was shocked when she said that they take one vacation a year, if any. Sounds like OP is so focused on her kids future when they are 18+ that's she's missing out on a lot of bonding and important stuff when they are young

I would get the side eye big time at work if i tired to take 3 (a few) vacations a year. I would love to, believe me.
DH enjoys his copious free time off though.

Because I miss my kids I spend every minute of every weekend with them. I realize I sound pretty frank in this thread but I am a very maternal mother and have a great relationship with my kids. They are my universe and the reason I do everything I do. I want a divorce but haven't done it yet because I don't want to mess them up.

Look, if i got a lower stress job or just stopped caring so much about getting promoted, sure, we would be ok. But I would sorely miss the feeling of making progress towards financial goals. I am a "long time horizon" person, that's just me. I was the kid who didn't eat the marshmallow. I worry about the future, and with good reason in my family many times!!! I always anticipate things that could go wrong and avoid them. I don't want to be foot loose and fancy free a few paychecks away from disaster, no thank you!

If you cannot (CANNOT) take more than one vacation a year, you need to change jobs. You are not going to look back when you are 80 and feel warm fuzzies about all that time you didn't take off.

RE footloose and fancy-free being a few paychecks away from disaster: You've created a false dichotomy. You can be financially stable and e.g. have a robust emergency fund, a vacation fund, and cover college tuitions, yet not be in a position to e.g. make the down payment on your children's first houses. It's not all or nothing.

Life is not a dress rehearsal. Think about what you want for your children and yourself NOW.

PP here. I have never taken more than one vacation a year in 20 years and I work for a nonprofit. Saying she has to switch jobs for this reason is ridiculous.

That is horrible. I feel sorry for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you should’ve married my DH. All he cares about is work and making more money. We have barely spent time with him for nearly 10 years because of it.

Check your priorities.

Yeah I was shocked when she said that they take one vacation a year, if any. Sounds like OP is so focused on her kids future when they are 18+ that's she's missing out on a lot of bonding and important stuff when they are young

I would get the side eye big time at work if i tired to take 3 (a few) vacations a year. I would love to, believe me.
DH enjoys his copious free time off though.

Because I miss my kids I spend every minute of every weekend with them. I realize I sound pretty frank in this thread but I am a very maternal mother and have a great relationship with my kids. They are my universe and the reason I do everything I do. I want a divorce but haven't done it yet because I don't want to mess them up.

Look, if i got a lower stress job or just stopped caring so much about getting promoted, sure, we would be ok. But I would sorely miss the feeling of making progress towards financial goals. I am a "long time horizon" person, that's just me. I was the kid who didn't eat the marshmallow. I worry about the future, and with good reason in my family many times!!! I always anticipate things that could go wrong and avoid them. I don't want to be foot loose and fancy free a few paychecks away from disaster, no thank you!

If you cannot (CANNOT) take more than one vacation a year, you need to change jobs. You are not going to look back when you are 80 and feel warm fuzzies about all that time you didn't take off.

RE footloose and fancy-free being a few paychecks away from disaster: You've created a false dichotomy. You can be financially stable and e.g. have a robust emergency fund, a vacation fund, and cover college tuitions, yet not be in a position to e.g. make the down payment on your children's first houses. It's not all or nothing.

Life is not a dress rehearsal. Think about what you want for your children and yourself NOW.

PP here. I have never taken more than one vacation a year in 20 years and I work for a nonprofit. Saying she has to switch jobs for this reason is ridiculous.

That is horrible. I feel sorry for you.

I don’t think it is horrible. It is just work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you should’ve married my DH. All he cares about is work and making more money. We have barely spent time with him for nearly 10 years because of it.

Check your priorities.

Yeah I was shocked when she said that they take one vacation a year, if any. Sounds like OP is so focused on her kids future when they are 18+ that's she's missing out on a lot of bonding and important stuff when they are young

I would get the side eye big time at work if i tired to take 3 (a few) vacations a year. I would love to, believe me.
DH enjoys his copious free time off though.

Because I miss my kids I spend every minute of every weekend with them. I realize I sound pretty frank in this thread but I am a very maternal mother and have a great relationship with my kids. They are my universe and the reason I do everything I do. I want a divorce but haven't done it yet because I don't want to mess them up.

Look, if i got a lower stress job or just stopped caring so much about getting promoted, sure, we would be ok. But I would sorely miss the feeling of making progress towards financial goals. I am a "long time horizon" person, that's just me. I was the kid who didn't eat the marshmallow. I worry about the future, and with good reason in my family many times!!! I always anticipate things that could go wrong and avoid them. I don't want to be foot loose and fancy free a few paychecks away from disaster, no thank you!

If you cannot (CANNOT) take more than one vacation a year, you need to change jobs. You are not going to look back when you are 80 and feel warm fuzzies about all that time you didn't take off.

RE footloose and fancy-free being a few paychecks away from disaster: You've created a false dichotomy. You can be financially stable and e.g. have a robust emergency fund, a vacation fund, and cover college tuitions, yet not be in a position to e.g. make the down payment on your children's first houses. It's not all or nothing.

Life is not a dress rehearsal. Think about what you want for your children and yourself NOW.

PP here. I have never taken more than one vacation a year in 20 years and I work for a nonprofit. Saying she has to switch jobs for this reason is ridiculous.

That is horrible. I feel sorry for you.

I don’t think it is horrible. It is just work.

PP must’ve been sarcastic. Are you that out of touch that you don’t understand many people don’t get vacations at all????

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you should’ve married my DH. All he cares about is work and making more money. We have barely spent time with him for nearly 10 years because of it.

Check your priorities.

Yeah I was shocked when she said that they take one vacation a year, if any. Sounds like OP is so focused on her kids future when they are 18+ that's she's missing out on a lot of bonding and important stuff when they are young

I would get the side eye big time at work if i tired to take 3 (a few) vacations a year. I would love to, believe me.
DH enjoys his copious free time off though.

Because I miss my kids I spend every minute of every weekend with them. I realize I sound pretty frank in this thread but I am a very maternal mother and have a great relationship with my kids. They are my universe and the reason I do everything I do. I want a divorce but haven't done it yet because I don't want to mess them up.

Look, if i got a lower stress job or just stopped caring so much about getting promoted, sure, we would be ok. But I would sorely miss the feeling of making progress towards financial goals. I am a "long time horizon" person, that's just me. I was the kid who didn't eat the marshmallow. I worry about the future, and with good reason in my family many times!!! I always anticipate things that could go wrong and avoid them. I don't want to be foot loose and fancy free a few paychecks away from disaster, no thank you!

If you cannot (CANNOT) take more than one vacation a year, you need to change jobs. You are not going to look back when you are 80 and feel warm fuzzies about all that time you didn't take off.

RE footloose and fancy-free being a few paychecks away from disaster: You've created a false dichotomy. You can be financially stable and e.g. have a robust emergency fund, a vacation fund, and cover college tuitions, yet not be in a position to e.g. make the down payment on your children's first houses. It's not all or nothing.

Life is not a dress rehearsal. Think about what you want for your children and yourself NOW.

PP here. I have never taken more than one vacation a year in 20 years and I work for a nonprofit. Saying she has to switch jobs for this reason is ridiculous.

Wow, what nonprofit is that? I was getting 6 weeks of leave a year when I worked for a non profit - what do you do, sit at home burning your leave? That seems sad.

Technically I get four weeks...I can't take it. I have too many deadlines. I only took 6 weeks of maternity leave for my kids. Everyone else got 4 months. I do more than one person's job. It is just the way it has been for me...so don't act like everyone working can just take multiple vacations a year.

DP but it seems like it’s this way because you accept it can’t be any other way. You have the leave. Do you think you would get fired?

You don't get it. I can't do my work and take a ton of vacation. My deadlines are immovable. It is not like most nonprofit jobs. If my product is late, yes, I can be fired.

OK, so there are a few things here.

Your company values you? You do good work? Then they can hire someone to work with/for you. If you resist that idea because “only you” can do this, then yes you are doing this to yourself.

Your company ^won’t^ hire someone else? Then they consider you expendable and you are showing them more loyalty than they are showing you, which is sort of apparent by the fact that you’re leaving money on the table in the form of vacation time. So take your vacation time, build your network, and either leave or sure let them fire you for taking your vacation time.

None of this had to do with your DH. If you get fired he has to support the family or at least you have to make do on what he earns + unemployment. I would hate for my spouse to feel the pressure you seem to, and if it’s genuinely coming from work and not from yourself, then tell him you want to quit in 6-12 months, what does he think about making changes so your HHI doesn’t suffer, and have a conversation about it.

I am not OP. I am divorced (and by the way my ex-husband would not let me take any time off from working with children).. Get back to the thread. Plenty of people do not take most of their vacation….my point of posting was to say that the person who said that OP should quit her job because she can’t take more than a week of vacation is an idiot. It’s not a reason to quit a job.

I disagree. If I got 20 days of vacation time and was only able to take 15, I would see it the same was as if my company withheld 25% of my salary. We’re not indentured servants and those benefits exist to maintain talent.

Yes. It’s like handing money back to your employer.

PP, if you keeled over tomorrow, you can be sure that your job would get done.

[Anonymous]

OP, this sounds like a financial and personal problem. Not a marital problem. Your priorities are out of wack.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you should’ve married my DH. All he cares about is work and making more money. We have barely spent time with him for nearly 10 years because of it.

Check your priorities.

Yeah I was shocked when she said that they take one vacation a year, if any. Sounds like OP is so focused on her kids future when they are 18+ that's she's missing out on a lot of bonding and important stuff when they are young

I would get the side eye big time at work if i tired to take 3 (a few) vacations a year. I would love to, believe me.
DH enjoys his copious free time off though.

Because I miss my kids I spend every minute of every weekend with them. I realize I sound pretty frank in this thread but I am a very maternal mother and have a great relationship with my kids. They are my universe and the reason I do everything I do. I want a divorce but haven't done it yet because I don't want to mess them up.

Look, if i got a lower stress job or just stopped caring so much about getting promoted, sure, we would be ok. But I would sorely miss the feeling of making progress towards financial goals. I am a "long time horizon" person, that's just me. I was the kid who didn't eat the marshmallow. I worry about the future, and with good reason in my family many times!!! I always anticipate things that could go wrong and avoid them. I don't want to be foot loose and fancy free a few paychecks away from disaster, no thank you!

If you cannot (CANNOT) take more than one vacation a year, you need to change jobs. You are not going to look back when you are 80 and feel warm fuzzies about all that time you didn't take off.

RE footloose and fancy-free being a few paychecks away from disaster: You've created a false dichotomy. You can be financially stable and e.g. have a robust emergency fund, a vacation fund, and cover college tuitions, yet not be in a position to e.g. make the down payment on your children's first houses. It's not all or nothing.

Life is not a dress rehearsal. Think about what you want for your children and yourself NOW.

PP here. I have never taken more than one vacation a year in 20 years and I work for a nonprofit. Saying she has to switch jobs for this reason is ridiculous.

Wow, what nonprofit is that? I was getting 6 weeks of leave a year when I worked for a non profit - what do you do, sit at home burning your leave? That seems sad.

Technically I get four weeks...I can't take it. I have too many deadlines. I only took 6 weeks of maternity leave for my kids. Everyone else got 4 months. I do more than one person's job. It is just the way it has been for me...so don't act like everyone working can just take multiple vacations a year.

DP but it seems like it’s this way because you accept it can’t be any other way. You have the leave. Do you think you would get fired?

You don't get it. I can't do my work and take a ton of vacation. My deadlines are immovable. It is not like most nonprofit jobs. If my product is late, yes, I can be fired.

So look for a new job that isn't so awful? Sounds like OP's DH has one.

I never said my job was awful. I said I can't take vacation. I guess you guys barely work. Once you are specialized, you can't just get any job and command the same salary. That is not how it works. There are not many jobs like mine that exist. I am lucky to have the one I have. They don't grow on trees.

Well you made your choice, live with it. Dont whine about it.

Read the thread! I was not whining: I will reiterate what I wrote earlier:

“And I am not complaining...I commented because someone said OP should quit her job if she can't take multiple vacations per year. That is ridiculous. Tons of people don't take a lot of vacation.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you should’ve married my DH. All he cares about is work and making more money. We have barely spent time with him for nearly 10 years because of it.

Check your priorities.

Yeah I was shocked when she said that they take one vacation a year, if any. Sounds like OP is so focused on her kids future when they are 18+ that's she's missing out on a lot of bonding and important stuff when they are young

I would get the side eye big time at work if i tired to take 3 (a few) vacations a year. I would love to, believe me.
DH enjoys his copious free time off though.

Because I miss my kids I spend every minute of every weekend with them. I realize I sound pretty frank in this thread but I am a very maternal mother and have a great relationship with my kids. They are my universe and the reason I do everything I do. I want a divorce but haven't done it yet because I don't want to mess them up.

Look, if i got a lower stress job or just stopped caring so much about getting promoted, sure, we would be ok. But I would sorely miss the feeling of making progress towards financial goals. I am a "long time horizon" person, that's just me. I was the kid who didn't eat the marshmallow. I worry about the future, and with good reason in my family many times!!! I always anticipate things that could go wrong and avoid them. I don't want to be foot loose and fancy free a few paychecks away from disaster, no thank you!

If you cannot (CANNOT) take more than one vacation a year, you need to change jobs. You are not going to look back when you are 80 and feel warm fuzzies about all that time you didn't take off.

RE footloose and fancy-free being a few paychecks away from disaster: You've created a false dichotomy. You can be financially stable and e.g. have a robust emergency fund, a vacation fund, and cover college tuitions, yet not be in a position to e.g. make the down payment on your children's first houses. It's not all or nothing.

Life is not a dress rehearsal. Think about what you want for your children and yourself NOW.

PP here. I have never taken more than one vacation a year in 20 years and I work for a nonprofit. Saying she has to switch jobs for this reason is ridiculous.

Wow, what nonprofit is that? I was getting 6 weeks of leave a year when I worked for a non profit - what do you do, sit at home burning your leave? That seems sad.

Technically I get four weeks...I can't take it. I have too many deadlines. I only took 6 weeks of maternity leave for my kids. Everyone else got 4 months. I do more than one person's job. It is just the way it has been for me...so don't act like everyone working can just take multiple vacations a year.

DP but it seems like it’s this way because you accept it can’t be any other way. You have the leave. Do you think you would get fired?

You don't get it. I can't do my work and take a ton of vacation. My deadlines are immovable. It is not like most nonprofit jobs. If my product is late, yes, I can be fired.

OK, so there are a few things here.

Your company values you? You do good work? Then they can hire someone to work with/for you. If you resist that idea because “only you” can do this, then yes you are doing this to yourself.

Your company ^won’t^ hire someone else? Then they consider you expendable and you are showing them more loyalty than they are showing you, which is sort of apparent by the fact that you’re leaving money on the table in the form of vacation time. So take your vacation time, build your network, and either leave or sure let them fire you for taking your vacation time.

None of this had to do with your DH. If you get fired he has to support the family or at least you have to make do on what he earns + unemployment. I would hate for my spouse to feel the pressure you seem to, and if it’s genuinely coming from work and not from yourself, then tell him you want to quit in 6-12 months, what does he think about making changes so your HHI doesn’t suffer, and have a conversation about it.

I am not OP. I am divorced (and by the way my ex-husband would not let me take any time off from working with children).. Get back to the thread. Plenty of people do not take most of their vacation….my point of posting was to say that the person who said that OP should quit her job because she can’t take more than a week of vacation is an idiot. It’s not a reason to quit a job.

I disagree. If I got 20 days of vacation time and was only able to take 15, I would see it the same was as if my company withheld 25% of my salary. We’re not indentured servants and those benefits exist to maintain talent.

Yes. It’s like handing money back to your employer.

PP, if you keeled over tomorrow, you can be sure that your job would get done.

Yes, that’s true. I would be dead. But while I’m alive, I need to stay employed. Not being able to take a vacation as part of the job that I do…it’s not a big deal and people who think it’s a big deal just really are kind of spoiled. Hope he said that she can’t take a lot of vacation and there’s nothing wrong with that and that’s not a reason for her to quit a job. Surgeons work even more. Stop acting like not having a vacation is a huge deal. I was trying to defend OP with her ambitious job when people were saying she should just take a new job because she can’t take vacation,
which is insane for a lot of people. I know plenty of people who barely take vacation. I am not an anomaly and OP is not an anomaly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, this sounds like a financial and personal problem. Not a marital problem. Your priorities are out of wack.

PP here. No, I think this is a shared goal problem. One of them is going to have to adjust their life goals or they will continue to be unhappy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you should’ve married my DH. All he cares about is work and making more money. We have barely spent time with him for nearly 10 years because of it.

Check your priorities.

Yeah I was shocked when she said that they take one vacation a year, if any. Sounds like OP is so focused on her kids future when they are 18+ that's she's missing out on a lot of bonding and important stuff when they are young

I would get the side eye big time at work if i tired to take 3 (a few) vacations a year. I would love to, believe me.
DH enjoys his copious free time off though.

Because I miss my kids I spend every minute of every weekend with them. I realize I sound pretty frank in this thread but I am a very maternal mother and have a great relationship with my kids. They are my universe and the reason I do everything I do. I want a divorce but haven't done it yet because I don't want to mess them up.

Look, if i got a lower stress job or just stopped caring so much about getting promoted, sure, we would be ok. But I would sorely miss the feeling of making progress towards financial goals. I am a "long time horizon" person, that's just me. I was the kid who didn't eat the marshmallow. I worry about the future, and with good reason in my family many times!!! I always anticipate things that could go wrong and avoid them. I don't want to be foot loose and fancy free a few paychecks away from disaster, no thank you!

If you cannot (CANNOT) take more than one vacation a year, you need to change jobs. You are not going to look back when you are 80 and feel warm fuzzies about all that time you didn't take off.

RE footloose and fancy-free being a few paychecks away from disaster: You've created a false dichotomy. You can be financially stable and e.g. have a robust emergency fund, a vacation fund, and cover college tuitions, yet not be in a position to e.g. make the down payment on your children's first houses. It's not all or nothing.

Life is not a dress rehearsal. Think about what you want for your children and yourself NOW.

PP here. I have never taken more than one vacation a year in 20 years and I work for a nonprofit. Saying she has to switch jobs for this reason is ridiculous.

Wow, what nonprofit is that? I was getting 6 weeks of leave a year when I worked for a non profit - what do you do, sit at home burning your leave? That seems sad.

Technically I get four weeks...I can't take it. I have too many deadlines. I only took 6 weeks of maternity leave for my kids. Everyone else got 4 months. I do more than one person's job. It is just the way it has been for me...so don't act like everyone working can just take multiple vacations a year.

My guess is you are one of these people who just love to martyr themselves. You probably own a home, a few cars, take vacation, “have” to pay for kid’s’ extracurriculars, eat out a few times a month. You are doing this to yourself.

Can you and this PP please take your comments to another thread and stop posting here? You’ve completely hijacked the last 3 pages of the thread and now everyone thinks the martyr PP is the OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you should’ve married my DH. All he cares about is work and making more money. We have barely spent time with him for nearly 10 years because of it.

Check your priorities.

Yeah I was shocked when she said that they take one vacation a year, if any. Sounds like OP is so focused on her kids future when they are 18+ that's she's missing out on a lot of bonding and important stuff when they are young

I would get the side eye big time at work if i tired to take 3 (a few) vacations a year. I would love to, believe me.
DH enjoys his copious free time off though.

Because I miss my kids I spend every minute of every weekend with them. I realize I sound pretty frank in this thread but I am a very maternal mother and have a great relationship with my kids. They are my universe and the reason I do everything I do. I want a divorce but haven't done it yet because I don't want to mess them up.

Look, if i got a lower stress job or just stopped caring so much about getting promoted, sure, we would be ok. But I would sorely miss the feeling of making progress towards financial goals. I am a "long time horizon" person, that's just me. I was the kid who didn't eat the marshmallow. I worry about the future, and with good reason in my family many times!!! I always anticipate things that could go wrong and avoid them. I don't want to be foot loose and fancy free a few paychecks away from disaster, no thank you!

If you cannot (CANNOT) take more than one vacation a year, you need to change jobs. You are not going to look back when you are 80 and feel warm fuzzies about all that time you didn't take off.

RE footloose and fancy-free being a few paychecks away from disaster: You've created a false dichotomy. You can be financially stable and e.g. have a robust emergency fund, a vacation fund, and cover college tuitions, yet not be in a position to e.g. make the down payment on your children's first houses. It's not all or nothing.

Life is not a dress rehearsal. Think about what you want for your children and yourself NOW.

PP here. I have never taken more than one vacation a year in 20 years and I work for a nonprofit. Saying she has to switch jobs for this reason is ridiculous.

Wow, what nonprofit is that? I was getting 6 weeks of leave a year when I worked for a non profit - what do you do, sit at home burning your leave? That seems sad.

Technically I get four weeks...I can't take it. I have too many deadlines. I only took 6 weeks of maternity leave for my kids. Everyone else got 4 months. I do more than one person's job. It is just the way it has been for me...so don't act like everyone working can just take multiple vacations a year.

My guess is you are one of these people who just love to martyr themselves. You probably own a home, a few cars, take vacation, “have” to pay for kid’s’ extracurriculars, eat out a few times a month. You are doing this to yourself.

You'd be wrong. I just have a challenging job. I guess you don't. I have to take random days off when I can. I only take one week a year. Deadlines don't have vacation. It is all year. I don't eat out. I don't take vacation (I stay home), I have one car.

Maybe you need to be more efficient and productive. If everyone else at your job is taking leave, then the problem seems to be you. It may be that you are in over your head at your job. I can see how that would be frustrating, but it's not your husband's fault.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I cannot stand that I have a high stress job and my DH has a low stress (and low paying) job. Why did I do this to myself? I regret marrying him with every bone in my body. Any man who sits and watches his wife endure stress and pressure and is content to take it easy is no man. This is primal and will never change.

This is nuts. My SAHM DW dealt with a house full of rugrats (four under 7) while she was participating in major house renovations. Lots of stress. It ‘s not a reflection on the DH’s manhood that the DW is stressed.

You must be dense. I am dealing with something similar AND working a demanding full time job.

Oh, OP.
You're just angry, period.
You're angry with your husband, you're angry with this PP, you're angry with ANYONE who dare not be in your side.

You're not angry with him because he's got a low stress job... you're just a miserable person, so seeing anyone with even a modicum of happiness sends you into a rage.

- If you have untreated anxiety, get it treated.

- If you're a type-A, perfectionist, control freak -- accept that your feelings have nothing to do with anyone else but YOU.

- If you're hyper competitive or trying to live up to someone elses expectations of you, please accept that you'll never be happy unless you do it for yourself.

He chose his career and you chose yours.
He didn't force you into your occupation I assume, thus you should NOT resent him for what he chose.

I truly hope that you are limiting your time with your kids while you're raging live this.
You may think they want to be with you all the time, but kids are truly simple creatures... they want to eat, they want to sleep, they want to see friends, they want to be entertained -- and they WANT to spend time with parents who make them feel loved, safe, secure & happy.

If mom and dad aren't married but share custody, well that's even easier -- they would prefer to spend more time with whichever parent causes the least amount of stress & drama in their lives (which includes no yelling, slamming cabinets, walking on eggshells around, etc).

They would prefer to spend more time with whichever parent is the most reliable/dependable in their lives, whichever one makes it an absolute priority to normalize their every day life as much as possible, and the parent that never, EVER badmouths the other parent in the presence of their child.

It sounds like that might be dad, huh?

I know you're still married, but I mentioned divorce, because if YOU don't get a handle on YOUR rage, resentment & anger, divorce will be a day in your immediate future.

This is YOUR baggage, not his.
This is YOUR resentment, not his.
This is YOUR rage, not his.
This is YOUR extremly biased view, not his.
These are YOUR unfair expectations, not his.

I get it -- you're far too close to the flame and you can't see anything but fire.

For that reason, I fear that we're all wasting our time trying to help you... as you have one point of view only, and it is terribly distorted, weighted & unequally the one that makes you the martyr.

You have dug your heels so deep into this victim perspective, it's always going to be easier for you to stay hunkered down with your comforting go-to combination resentment/rage, rather than actually facing the real problem head on.

You.

It will always be easier for you to point fingers, accuse and blame him, but just know that you're not fooling anyone... the people in your life know who you are, know your history and know the truth, no matter where blame is placed.

A toxic mirror of shame isn't fun to look into, is it?

Bumping this wise comment

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I cannot stand that I have a high stress job and my DH has a low stress (and low paying) job. Why did I do this to myself? I regret marrying him with every bone in my body. Any man who sits and watches his wife endure stress and pressure and is content to take it easy is no man. This is primal and will never change.

Reverse the genders in this. Still true?

I don’t think (straight) men expect to be married to a man with a primal urge to support the family, so…

I agree with this as a man who is the sole breadwinner. Of course, in most families, the man is the one with the high stress job and of the women I know who work with high stress jobs with SAH dads, it rarely works.

It's not fair, men can be just as good at home, but biology seems to play a role here.

I think biology plays a role in why men aren’t just as good at home actually. Men aren’t as good at caretaking and putting others first. When the oxygen masks drop they remind us to put our own on first before helping others because *women* will help kids first. Whereas dads wander into the kitchen to make themselves a sandwich and not give a thought to feeding the kids.

I actually think this is learned behavior. I've observed that my DS is more naturally empathetic than his sister. Both are great kids, just a difference in how they relate to people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I cannot stand that I have a high stress job and my DH has a low stress (and low paying) job. Why did I do this to myself? I regret marrying him with every bone in my body. Any man who sits and watches his wife endure stress and pressure and is content to take it easy is no man. This is primal and will never change.

This is nuts. My SAHM DW dealt with a house full of rugrats (four under 7) while she was participating in major house renovations. Lots of stress. It ‘s not a reflection on the DH’s manhood that the DW is stressed.

You must be dense. I am dealing with something similar AND working a demanding full time job.

Oh, OP.
You're just angry, period.
You're angry with your husband, you're angry with this PP, you're angry with ANYONE who dare not be in your side.

You're not angry with him because he's got a low stress job... you're just a miserable person, so seeing anyone with even a modicum of happiness sends you into a rage.

- If you have untreated anxiety, get it treated.

- If you're a type-A, perfectionist, control freak -- accept that your feelings have nothing to do with anyone else but YOU.

- If you're hyper competitive or trying to live up to someone elses expectations of you, please accept that you'll never be happy unless you do it for yourself.

He chose his career and you chose yours.
He didn't force you into your occupation I assume, thus you should NOT resent him for what he chose.

I truly hope that you are limiting your time with your kids while you're raging live this.
You may think they want to be with you all the time, but kids are truly simple creatures... they want to eat, they want to sleep, they want to see friends, they want to be entertained -- and they WANT to spend time with parents who make them feel loved, safe, secure & happy.

If mom and dad aren't married but share custody, well that's even easier -- they would prefer to spend more time with whichever parent causes the least amount of stress & drama in their lives (which includes no yelling, slamming cabinets, walking on eggshells around, etc).

They would prefer to spend more time with whichever parent is the most reliable/dependable in their lives, whichever one makes it an absolute priority to normalize their every day life as much as possible, and the parent that never, EVER badmouths the other parent in the presence of their child.

It sounds like that might be dad, huh?

I know you're still married, but I mentioned divorce, because if YOU don't get a handle on YOUR rage, resentment & anger, divorce will be a day in your immediate future.

This is YOUR baggage, not his.
This is YOUR resentment, not his.
This is YOUR rage, not his.
This is YOUR extremly biased view, not his.
These are YOUR unfair expectations, not his.

I get it -- you're far too close to the flame and you can't see anything but fire.

For that reason, I fear that we're all wasting our time trying to help you... as you have one point of view only, and it is terribly distorted, weighted & unequally the one that makes you the martyr.

You have dug your heels so deep into this victim perspective, it's always going to be easier for you to stay hunkered down with your comforting go-to combination resentment/rage, rather than actually facing the real problem head on.

You.

It will always be easier for you to point fingers, accuse and blame him, but just know that you're not fooling anyone... the people in your life know who you are, know your history and know the truth, no matter where blame is placed.

A toxic mirror of shame isn't fun to look into, is it?

I have no idea why you think I storm around. No one slams cabinets in my home. I just don’t want to be married to my husband anymore. It’s scary how much you are projecting at me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I cannot stand that I have a high stress job and my DH has a low stress (and low paying) job. Why did I do this to myself? I regret marrying him with every bone in my body. Any man who sits and watches his wife endure stress and pressure and is content to take it easy is no man. This is primal and will never change.

This is nuts. My SAHM DW dealt with a house full of rugrats (four under 7) while she was participating in major house renovations. Lots of stress. It ‘s not a reflection on the DH’s manhood that the DW is stressed.

You must be dense. I am dealing with something similar AND working a demanding full time job.

Oh, OP.
You're just angry, period.
You're angry with your husband, you're angry with this PP, you're angry with ANYONE who dare not be in your side.

You're not angry with him because he's got a low stress job... you're just a miserable person, so seeing anyone with even a modicum of happiness sends you into a rage.

- If you have untreated anxiety, get it treated.

- If you're a type-A, perfectionist, control freak -- accept that your feelings have nothing to do with anyone else but YOU.

- If you're hyper competitive or trying to live up to someone elses expectations of you, please accept that you'll never be happy unless you do it for yourself.

He chose his career and you chose yours.
He didn't force you into your occupation I assume, thus you should NOT resent him for what he chose.

I truly hope that you are limiting your time with your kids while you're raging live this.
You may think they want to be with you all the time, but kids are truly simple creatures... they want to eat, they want to sleep, they want to see friends, they want to be entertained -- and they WANT to spend time with parents who make them feel loved, safe, secure & happy.

If mom and dad aren't married but share custody, well that's even easier -- they would prefer to spend more time with whichever parent causes the least amount of stress & drama in their lives (which includes no yelling, slamming cabinets, walking on eggshells around, etc).

They would prefer to spend more time with whichever parent is the most reliable/dependable in their lives, whichever one makes it an absolute priority to normalize their every day life as much as possible, and the parent that never, EVER badmouths the other parent in the presence of their child.

It sounds like that might be dad, huh?

I know you're still married, but I mentioned divorce, because if YOU don't get a handle on YOUR rage, resentment & anger, divorce will be a day in your immediate future.

This is YOUR baggage, not his.
This is YOUR resentment, not his.
This is YOUR rage, not his.
This is YOUR extremly biased view, not his.
These are YOUR unfair expectations, not his.

I get it -- you're far too close to the flame and you can't see anything but fire.

For that reason, I fear that we're all wasting our time trying to help you... as you have one point of view only, and it is terribly distorted, weighted & unequally the one that makes you the martyr.

You have dug your heels so deep into this victim perspective, it's always going to be easier for you to stay hunkered down with your comforting go-to combination resentment/rage, rather than actually facing the real problem head on.

You.

It will always be easier for you to point fingers, accuse and blame him, but just know that you're not fooling anyone... the people in your life know who you are, know your history and know the truth, no matter where blame is placed.

A toxic mirror of shame isn't fun to look into, is it?

I have no idea why you think I storm around. No one slams cabinets in my home. I just don’t want to be married to my husband anymore. It’s scary how much you are projecting at me.

What is stopping you?

[Anonymous]

OP I was in your shoes exactly and I started sneaking away from work to get a massage at a day spa every other week. It soothed the beast and gave me enough clarity to make some career moves that reduced my stress and maintained my income. You need clearheaded decision making. Good luck.