Messed up marrying the wrong guy, where to go from here - give it to me straight please

[Anonymous]

https://www.womansday.com/health-fitness/wellness/g2966/signs-of-midlife-crisis-in-a-woman/

[Anonymous]

I read all three of your posts. It sounds like you should really think about divorce. There was a study saying the number one predictor of divorce was when a partner had contempt for the other one. Your DH is not a good fit for you and will likely never become the provider you want him to be. Cut your losses and move forward. If you do choose to stay, do not have more kids with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are too old and used up to demand anything

You’re too old and used up to be relevant grandma.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I read all three of your posts. It sounds like you should really think about divorce. There was a study saying the number one predictor of divorce was when a partner had contempt for the other one. Your DH is not a good fit for you and will likely never become the provider you want him to be. Cut your losses and move forward. If you do choose to stay, do not have more kids with him.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I married the wrong person. I just do not respect my husband. I find him incompetent and underachieving. I have learned over our 7 years of marriage that he is all talk and no action, the type to make excuses instead of take action. However, he is a good father to our young daughter.

I am 37. I am fit, attractive, and I have a good job.

Would it be a terrible mistake to divorce? Would it be possible for me to remarry someone I could respect or did that ship realistically sail?

I suppose my choices are just make peace with my husband or take my chances in a divorce. My goals are to have a happy marriage with mutual love and respect and to model that to my daughter.

WWYD?

OP, you have a child together, you gotta stay. Your reasons for leaving him just aren’t good enough to justify divorce with a child involved. Lots of people wouldn’t marry their spouses again if they knew then what they know now.
Most likely if you leave him and remarry you will end up just as dissatisfied with the new guy as you are now and you would be dealing with all the additional headaches of blended families, step parenting, etc.
Just make the best of your current situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get divorced. Your child doesn't need to grow up observing the contempt you feel for your husband. It's not your fault, but I don't see how things will get better when you look at the world in such different ways.

Also, heavy people get fatter as they get older. And people get more set in their ways and less likely to make big career changes.

Or she could just hide her contempt. It doesn’t sound like he’s an a$$hole and he’s a good and loving father. Deal with it OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I might be in the minority, but I think if you’re unhappy and think you can find/create a better life for yourself and your kid after divorcing this guy then, do it. If this is where you are now, you’ll eventually get divorced or cheat on him.

That most likely won’t happen. Most women feel meh towards their spouses after several years of marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you think he is underachieving and incompetent?

He hates his job, talks about hating it all the time, has for years, but won't take any action. He thinks every move is too risky. Meanwhile, I have quadrupled my income during our marriage (his has completely stagnated), so it is difficult to respect someone who complains but doesn't do anything about it.

Same with his weight. He is perpetually in a state of trying to lose weight but never succeeding. How can I respect someone who claims to want to make a simple change yet simply cannot achieve it?

When I married this person he was fit and graduating from a prestigious graduate program. I am not really sure how I got suckered into this bait and switch, but I have a very hard time just accepting it.

You sound like a B***h

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh wait you have a kid.

Nope. Fix it. Deal. Not reasons to leave the father of your kid.

And your concern shouldn't be whether you can find a new, better husband. Your post should be about what is best for your daughter. That is your first priority.

OP, I do agree with you but I think the two are intertwined. I think my daughter would be better off if I could remarry a better husband reasonably quickly. I think my daughter would be worse off if I could not manage to do this and instead face a rocky dating future.

I think this mind set is interesting. You say he's a good dad but your plan is to pretty much find replacement family unit as quickly as possible? This new person won't be your child's father.

You're going to be giving up 50 percent of her life. Holidays. He will date and move on and your daughter will have a step-mother. Your daughter might have additional siblings.

I just don't think the main focus here should be how quick you can find a new husband.

Thank you, I have thought this out carefully and am aware of all you write. I think it might be nice for her to have more siblings if he were to remarry, which I would not begrudge at all. She has a father, I wouldn't expect a new husband to be her father. But I think it would be good for her to see a husband wife relationship where the man is respected by the wife.

OP, I think you’re rolling the dice on this issue in a big way. It is just as likely that your daughter will grow up with contempt for you ditching her loving father for whatever guy you hook up with next. What if he’s an ambitious career oriented and fit person who also happens to sneak into your daughter’s room at night, raping her while you sleep oblivious in the next bedroom?

Yeah, I’m terrible for going there. But as a former prosecutor I’ve seen it far too many times. I can’t understand how a woman ditches a solid provider and loving father for the unknown without bending over backwards to save her child’s family first. And yes, that means some serious individual therapy to help you figure out why you are such a judgmental jerk.

Or, play roulette with your daughter’s future physical and emotional well-being, and see if you come out her hero or the person she can’t wait to get away from and estranges from at the first opportunity. You need to consider ALL the likely possibilities, and stop thinking you can CONTROL everything and everyone.

[Anonymous]

OP your husband LOVES YOUR CHILD. You are not going to find another man that will feel the same way. Yes, you could find someone who will treat your child very well, and might even feel real affection towards her, but that is not the same as having true love for the kid.
I have several friends who have divorced and remarried with kids involved. They all express dissatisfaction with living with a person who might be doing their best to be nice step dad but don’t feel the genuine love.
Think about that for a minute. All marriages go through the blahs eventually, do you really want to be facing that plus sharing your life with someone who doesn’t truly love your child?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Men your age are going to want a women who doesn’t have any kids.

not true at all. As me how I know

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Of course this is DCUM so everyone wants to make this about money, but it’s not about money. It’s about respect and how I don’t have any left for DH.

I am also not under the delusion that I’ll easily find a new husband, although yes that would be what I want. I married ty he wrong person, and I may have/probably did lose out on the chance to have my most dearly held dream of a happy marriage to a man I admire and respect.

So now I have the unenviable choice of learning to accept being married to a man I don’t respect or get divorced at 37 with a toddler and face that fate.

It’s a tough spot. Really not sure which path to take.

Every single last one of your posts has been about achievement and money. It's about money for you. Save your attempt to painting yourself as a victim because you don't like being called out for your toxicity.

PPs are right, you are immature and emotionally abusive, but these are the least of your problems. Your real issue is you suffer from a major personality flaw or disorder that is unlikely to be corrected and you will be miserable in any marriage you have. What's even sadder is eventually you will have the same nasty attitude towards your daughter when she fails to be the exact extension of yourself you think she should be,

I have to agree with this, sadly. OP’s only stated complaints about DH are that he earns too little, isn’t ambitious enough and put on a few pounds since marriage/fatherhood. These issues are enough to destroy her respect for him entirely.

OP I’m sorry, but that is very narcissistic. You desperately need therapy - if you don’t get therapy, divorce or not, you’re going to end up badly damaging your daughter and I bet in 20 years you’ll barely have a relationship with her. I could be wrong, but I doubt it. BTDT with my own narcissistic mother. Just the way you are talking about this situation in your posts, you are discrediting your daughter’s perspective entirely. You are projecting your own desires onto her. My heart hurts for her if you don’t wrap your head around how narcissistic you are being.

[Anonymous]

If you divorce you should know that it is Very unlikely for a fit, $uccessful guy to go for the late thirties single mom with a toddler. You should divorce if you rather be single than married to your DH, but don’t do it thinking that you will the jackpot next time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you get divorced (and let's be real women who have this attitude at your age typically get divorced), honestly, don't even bother with relationships again until you've had a LOT of therapy.

Your thought process sounds very selfish and immature. Marriage is not all about you and your husband is not some accessory that needs to be fit and make a lot of money to make you look good.

This toxic dynamic that you've established with him also affects him and his confidence and ability to excel- you have contempt for him, which makes him feel uncomfortable and insecure, which leads him to be insecure at work and eat his feelings, which only makes you show more contempt, and so on. I mean, how would you feel if the person who is supposed to be your partner and main support in life thought you were some loser? Further, what would you have done if your husband was ill and you really had to take care of him? Would you have dumped him? He really deserves better. Anybody would.

And news flash, you're not Meghan Markle and successful men aren't going to line up to marry a 37 year old divorcee with a toddler no matter how fit you are. There's just a lot of magical thinking reflected in your posts.

Did you divorce?

(BTW, I think OP should divorce her DH for his sake. I can't imagine someone I love and live with having such contempt for me. And having my DD witnessing such dysfunction. I am sure DD will be disappointing her mom sometime soon, if she hasn't already, and at least she will be someone who loves her for her half of the week.)

My husband explicitly told me he thought I was a loser in a whole variety of different ways -- my appearance, my job, his lack of desire to spend time with me - and, no, it didn't make me insecure at work and I didn't eat my feelings, because I don't depend on one person for my entire self-image. It was deeply unpleasant, but it affected my sense of him a lot more than my sense of myself.

I stayed. When I started looking for apartments he found us a couples counselor. What I said was just the tip of the iceberg - it got very bad. He got better, but also our marriage changed significantly after, it certainly didn't go back to how it was before. It was never high conflict, we never fought in front of the kids, and I thought it would be easier for me and them. I'm not sure I made the right choice.

[Anonymous]

OP is an awful person who doesn’t deserve her DH.