DH has had a standing fri night zoom call with college buddies since pandemic began

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Advice for all younger women.
Do what you like and want and do it on regular basis. Nothing worse than a resentful spouse who is nasty, biting, but never actually goes to do things that they want.
Do you know how your male partner does this? Doesn't ask your permission for a simple thing as a zoom call? Do the same.
I go skiing on my own. I used to go to the movies, on my own. I go shopping on my own. I go on 2 hours walks, on my own(ok there is the dog too!).
I travel to Europe, on my own. I go on beach vacations on my own. I am also a great mom and a wife, and I do not resent my DH when he does things on his own.
You are welcome.

This all of this.

I really couldn’t do a lot of this until I cut down on my work hours and the kids got old enough to leave on their own for an hour or so. I don’t really see how it works to have two parents who just do whatever they want.
If neither of you clear this with your spouse, do you hire sitters? Have an amazing nanny? Do you have family that will cover in a pinch? Do you just hope he doesn’t have plans to play golf while you are gone at the movies? Or that he doesn’t have to work late while you are gone on a solo trip to Europe?

Or, are you just the spouse who takes advantage? And you know that he doesn’t have plans to play golf or go in to work on Saturday because he would clear them with you first? Or are you in a relationship where neither spouse takes advantage, and you both set reasonable boundaries with work and hobbies that work with your family life, let your spouse know when something unusual comes up, and work with each other?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I like people that keep their word. Especially when I’m married to them.

this is it in a nutshell.

DH broke trust. All the rest of the rationalizing by some of you PPs on his behalf is nonsense.

The histrionics on this thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you overreacted, OP. I’m sorry! I have sympathy bc I know how annoying it is to put two kids to bed....but, if your DH helps the other six nights...then, I don’t see the issue?

The issue is OP resents her husband's weekly Friday night call with his friends. She has made herself into a martyr and since DH didn't choose to sacrifice himself the same way she has she is now at war with him.

This.

No she didn’t. She tried to take the time for herself one week and gave him warning. He didn’t step up! She communicated to him in appropriate form that she needed this time for herself.

And all she had to do was lighten up and allow her kid to fall asleep while using electronics this one time. She blew it up into a ridiculous drama unnecessarily.

I'd go so far as to say it could be handled this way every Friday night with no lasting damage to DC. Too much drama over nothing.

Yes why on earth is this such a big deal? Children don't actually need to be "put to bed perfectly" every single night. Doesn't sound like the kid was unhappy, pretty sure he would have drifted off to sleep just fine.

+1 OP's reaction was OTT and she should apologize for yelling at him in front of his friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder if I know you irl?

I know a mom who set very rigid bedtimes for her kids. They’re older now, but still have rigid bedtimes. One time when we were chatting as a group, she commented how difficult her one child was with bedtime (struggling to fall asleep). As a veteran mom with twice the number of kids and real world experience, I gently commented that it’s counterproductive to force a bedtime when the older kid clearly doesn’t need to go down that early. Her response? The bedtimes were for her sanity and downtime. I get it, but that’s not cool.

She also told her DH what to do/how to handle the kids. Again: not cool.

My advice: take a deep breath, calm down, and step back. Your DH can handle the kids just fine. Apologize for the outburst, and explain your frustration—then promise to let go when he’s in charge.

I don’t read OP as rigid with bedtimes. I do see a kid left in parents bedroom with a phone instead of their own room in bed. Because daddy needed to get his drink on with his boyfriends.

+1
There are people who are rigid on bedtimes. There is a whole lot between being rigid and tossing a phone at a kid.
The bolded is a whole other debate (and I probably have almost double the number of kids as you but certainly don’t claim to have the rules to parent “correctly”).

I have 4 kids. I’ve never fancied myself a parenting expert, but I do have btdt experience. Let’s face it: any rational person realizes that an older kid who can’t fall asleep at 7pm simply doesn’t need to go down that early. You don’t make bedtime a battle. That’s the one thing kids have control over: you can’t physically make them fall asleep.

The post clearly demonstrates rigidity.

A laid back mom would have handled the situation much differently.

So I do have almost double (seven) and pretty laid back by most peoples standards and certainly DCUM. I would not be OK with “bedtime” being a screen and YouTube. Your definition of rigidity is not the same as mine. Rigid is those people who need bedtime to be exactly at 8 pm. Not 8:30. That follow a certain seven point routine. There is rigidity and then there is this....laziness.

Also, though I do have seven I realize I don’t have experience with her particular child. I wouldn’t dream of telling her that her bedtime routine is wrong and she just needs to loosen up. You may have experience with your own children as do I, but she is the expert on HER children.

I absolutely agree that nobody knows your child like you do. But you’ve got to admit that forcing an older child to go to sleep at 7pm followed by an hours long power struggle likely means 7 is too early for that child. That’s all I said to the mom, and her response that the 7 bedtime was for her own sanity/downtime confirmed what I suspected.

A rigid bedtime is a rigid bedtime. A rigid routine is a rigid routine. It need not have a million steps. If it’s bath, teeth, book and lights out at 8, and you can’t deviate, then that’s rigid.

Dad’s approach resulted in both parents zooming and having an enjoyable evening.

The kid was safe and likely had a blast in the big bed playing on a screen. Where’s the harm?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I like people that keep their word. Especially when I’m married to them.

this is it in a nutshell.

DH broke trust. All the rest of the rationalizing by some of you PPs on his behalf is nonsense.

The histrionics on this thread.

So he allowed a difficult child who wasn't ready to sleep to have electronics one night. Kid was quiet and happy. Could easily have been scooped up and put into his own bed once asleep. And???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:But what about the sick friend that could only have a group call on Friday. Again, OP can only control her own actions and she prioritized yelling at her DH over being supportive to her friend. In the grand scheme of life, her son isn’t going to remember being up on a Friday on electronics but her DH’s friends will remember her yelling on the Zoom, her friends will remember she had to cut the call short because she can’t trust her husband to put Larlo to bed and he was on electronics and maybe her son does remember his parents arguing and yelling. Was DH a little selfish, possibly, but all OP needed to do was let him deal with consequences of son, whether it was being cranky the next day or getting him back in the bedtime schedule.

However at the end of the day, even if we can’t agree on DCUM, the key is that OP and spouse partner are on the same page about parenting, schedules, etc and what they value and are willing to compromise on and it doesn’t seem to be the case.

So you think what the DH did is okay?

My criteria would have been did DH put son to bed eventually and was DH responsible for consequences of son not going to bed on time. We can’t tell from OP’s story if either thing happened or was cut short because she stepped in. My kid are teenagers now and I am thrilled if they stay out of trouble, brush their teeth and bathe, and get at least 6 hours of sleep but I definitely remember the days of finding ways to be fair about who got up in mornings, had to get up when they had nightmares, and getting them to bed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find that when DH does something infuriating the first, he learns the next time not to do it again. So yes, get mad at him this time. Let him know that it was unfair to you, that you sacrificed every Friday night since the pandemic began, and would also like to be able to chat with your girlfriends and trust that he will handle bedtime. Talk it out. And then the next time the situation occurs, make sure he is clear what is expected of him. I often don’t do things right the first time, I may not do things right the second time either, so it may take a couple of fights along the way. But he’ll get it. Good luck!

Make clear what is expected of him?

SMDH.

Question for the ladies: do you like it when your DH makes clear what is expected of you?

This is a recipe for divorce.

Read this. ^^^

Mom’s opinion on how to handle things shouldn’t outweigh Dad’s opinion.

Neither partner should tell the other what to do/how to do it.

Marriage is a partnership, not a dictatorship.

#rigidladiesbetrippin’

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I like people that keep their word. Especially when I’m married to them.

this is it in a nutshell.

DH broke trust. All the rest of the rationalizing by some of you PPs on his behalf is nonsense.

The histrionics on this thread.

So he allowed a difficult child who wasn't ready to sleep to have electronics one night. Kid was quiet and happy. Could easily have been scooped up and put into his own bed once asleep. And???

Exactly. I really have no idea what OP got so upset about. It would be one thing if the child was upset and disrupted her friends time, but doesn't sound like that was the case. Sounds like everything was just...fine.

[Anonymous]

It’s funny how many of you don’t mention the husband at all in responses. Just pile onto the wife. If she’d not yelled would you still be ok with dad literally phoning in parenting?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Advice for all younger women.
Do what you like and want and do it on regular basis. Nothing worse than a resentful spouse who is nasty, biting, but never actually goes to do things that they want.
Do you know how your male partner does this? Doesn't ask your permission for a simple thing as a zoom call? Do the same.
I go skiing on my own. I used to go to the movies, on my own. I go shopping on my own. I go on 2 hours walks, on my own(ok there is the dog too!).
I travel to Europe, on my own. I go on beach vacations on my own. I am also a great mom and a wife, and I do not resent my DH when he does things on his own.
You are welcome.

This all of this.

If only the OP’s husband thought like you two: “I do things on my own. I am also a great husband and father, and I do not resent my DW or act passive aggressive when she does things on her own.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s funny how many of you don’t mention the husband at all in responses. Just pile onto the wife. If she’d not yelled would you still be ok with dad literally phoning in parenting?

For one night? Sure. OP never said it's a habit and even it's an occasional habit I wouldn't care provided DC was safe and content.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s funny how many of you don’t mention the husband at all in responses. Just pile onto the wife. If she’d not yelled would you still be ok with dad literally phoning in parenting?

For one night? Sure. OP never said it's a habit and even it's an occasional habit I wouldn't care provided DC was safe and content.

Based on OP's reaction, I'm guessing this wasn't the first time. But of course DCUM always wants to blame the OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder if I know you irl?

I know a mom who set very rigid bedtimes for her kids. They’re older now, but still have rigid bedtimes. One time when we were chatting as a group, she commented how difficult her one child was with bedtime (struggling to fall asleep). As a veteran mom with twice the number of kids and real world experience, I gently commented that it’s counterproductive to force a bedtime when the older kid clearly doesn’t need to go down that early. Her response? The bedtimes were for her sanity and downtime. I get it, but that’s not cool.

She also told her DH what to do/how to handle the kids. Again: not cool.

My advice: take a deep breath, calm down, and step back. Your DH can handle the kids just fine. Apologize for the outburst, and explain your frustration—then promise to let go when he’s in charge.

I don’t read OP as rigid with bedtimes. I do see a kid left in parents bedroom with a phone instead of their own room in bed. Because daddy needed to get his drink on with his boyfriends.

+1
There are people who are rigid on bedtimes. There is a whole lot between being rigid and tossing a phone at a kid.
The bolded is a whole other debate (and I probably have almost double the number of kids as you but certainly don’t claim to have the rules to parent “correctly”).

I have 4 kids. I’ve never fancied myself a parenting expert, but I do have btdt experience. Let’s face it: any rational person realizes that an older kid who can’t fall asleep at 7pm simply doesn’t need to go down that early. You don’t make bedtime a battle. That’s the one thing kids have control over: you can’t physically make them fall asleep.

The post clearly demonstrates rigidity.

A laid back mom would have handled the situation much differently.

So I do have almost double (seven) and pretty laid back by most peoples standards and certainly DCUM. I would not be OK with “bedtime” being a screen and YouTube. Your definition of rigidity is not the same as mine. Rigid is those people who need bedtime to be exactly at 8 pm. Not 8:30. That follow a certain seven point routine. There is rigidity and then there is this....laziness.

Also, though I do have seven I realize I don’t have experience with her particular child. I wouldn’t dream of telling her that her bedtime routine is wrong and she just needs to loosen up. You may have experience with your own children as do I, but she is the expert on HER children.

I absolutely agree that nobody knows your child like you do. But you’ve got to admit that forcing an older child to go to sleep at 7pm followed by an hours long power struggle likely means 7 is too early for that child. That’s all I said to the mom, and her response that the 7 bedtime was for her own sanity/downtime confirmed what I suspected.

A rigid bedtime is a rigid bedtime. A rigid routine is a rigid routine. It need not have a million steps. If it’s bath, teeth, book and lights out at 8, and you can’t deviate, then that’s rigid.

Dad’s approach resulted in both parents zooming and having an enjoyable evening.

The kid was safe and likely had a blast in the big bed playing on a screen. Where’s the harm?

I legit can’t follow this 7 pm you keep bringing up and how it relates to Op?
It’s like you are making things up because from the thread I read, neither had an “enjoyable evening”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s funny how many of you don’t mention the husband at all in responses. Just pile onto the wife. If she’d not yelled would you still be ok with dad literally phoning in parenting?

For one night? Sure. OP never said it's a habit and even it's an occasional habit I wouldn't care provided DC was safe and content.

Based on OP's reaction, I'm guessing this wasn't the first time. But of course DCUM always wants to blame the OP

Well Op didn't specify so pretty reasonable to presume the contrary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s funny how many of you don’t mention the husband at all in responses. Just pile onto the wife. If she’d not yelled would you still be ok with dad literally phoning in parenting?

For one night? Sure. OP never said it's a habit and even it's an occasional habit I wouldn't care provided DC was safe and content.

Sounds like dh is zooming again tonight! Doesn’t sound like a one off.