Husband leaves room to talk to MIL

[Anonymous]

"Two is a couple. Three is a crowd."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, there is a reason that they don't want to invite you. and there is a reason that DH doesn't seem to care that you're not invited either. Time to have a good hard look at what those reasons may be. *hint, if you're anything like you are on here IRL, that's the reason *

Well it's like the old adage what came first the chicken or the egg? Did you ever stop to think I get upset because they exclude me? Not that they exclude me because I act like this?

Have you ever asked your DH why he doesn't insist you are involved in these plans? I don't know why you place all the blame on your MIL. Your husband could have your back here but he chooses not to. And please don't say that it's because she has some weird hold on him. He's a grown adult. And if he is that much of a momma's boy, don't have kids with him.

I agree about not having children with momma's boy. If you stay with him, insist on marital therapy, and learning about healthy boundaries.

Does MIL have a spouse? How's that going?

You keep saying "boundaries" like it means anything. Carve this into your cortex: in any given relationship, the boundaries are wherever it pleases the people in it. Boundaries aren't fixed. They move, depending on how much you like the person and how much you want to share with them, and how much they want you to do it. If mother and son WILLINGLY talk five times a day then guess what? That's where their boundaries are. Calls may happen once a month but if they are unwelcome, that would be a violation of boundaries. Boundaries aren't about some mythical frequency that you deem correct. It's about only one thing: how much two people want to open to each other.

Are you in a three-way relationship?

...Please respond.

[Anonymous]

Moma Boys are sickly husbands.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
What is your point in saying if your son wants to discuss his marital issues with you you aren't going to stop him? So you would be ok bashing your DIL. Why wouldn't you tell your son he needs to be discussing these issues with his wife? I mean I don't understand why anyone would want to put themselves in the middle of someone else's marital issues. That's just looking for drama. When friends/family come to me with their marital issues I tell them they should talk over their issues with their spouse I don't want to be in the middle.

My children have my blessing to talk to me about their spouses all they want, good and bad.

I don't really care what you tell your friends and family. We all have our own ways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, there is a reason that they don't want to invite you. and there is a reason that DH doesn't seem to care that you're not invited either. Time to have a good hard look at what those reasons may be. *hint, if you're anything like you are on here IRL, that's the reason *

Well it's like the old adage what came first the chicken or the egg? Did you ever stop to think I get upset because they exclude me? Not that they exclude me because I act like this?

Have you ever asked your DH why he doesn't insist you are involved in these plans? I don't know why you place all the blame on your MIL. Your husband could have your back here but he chooses not to. And please don't say that it's because she has some weird hold on him. He's a grown adult. And if he is that much of a momma's boy, don't have kids with him.

I agree about not having children with momma's boy. If you stay with him, insist on marital therapy, and learning about healthy boundaries.

Does MIL have a spouse? How's that going?

You keep saying "boundaries" like it means anything. Carve this into your cortex: in any given relationship, the boundaries are wherever it pleases the people in it. Boundaries aren't fixed. They move, depending on how much you like the person and how much you want to share with them, and how much they want you to do it. If mother and son WILLINGLY talk five times a day then guess what? That's where their boundaries are. Calls may happen once a month but if they are unwelcome, that would be a violation of boundaries. Boundaries aren't about some mythical frequency that you deem correct. It's about only one thing: how much two people want to open to each other.

Are you in a three-way relationship?

No - why?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, there is a reason that they don't want to invite you. and there is a reason that DH doesn't seem to care that you're not invited either. Time to have a good hard look at what those reasons may be. *hint, if you're anything like you are on here IRL, that's the reason *

Well it's like the old adage what came first the chicken or the egg? Did you ever stop to think I get upset because they exclude me? Not that they exclude me because I act like this?

Have you ever asked your DH why he doesn't insist you are involved in these plans? I don't know why you place all the blame on your MIL. Your husband could have your back here but he chooses not to. And please don't say that it's because she has some weird hold on him. He's a grown adult. And if he is that much of a momma's boy, don't have kids with him.

I agree about not having children with momma's boy. If you stay with him, insist on marital therapy, and learning about healthy boundaries.

Does MIL have a spouse? How's that going?

You keep saying "boundaries" like it means anything. Carve this into your cortex: in any given relationship, the boundaries are wherever it pleases the people in it. Boundaries aren't fixed. They move, depending on how much you like the person and how much you want to share with them, and how much they want you to do it. If mother and son WILLINGLY talk five times a day then guess what? That's where their boundaries are. Calls may happen once a month but if they are unwelcome, that would be a violation of boundaries. Boundaries aren't about some mythical frequency that you deem correct. It's about only one thing: how much two people want to open to each other.

Are you in a three-way relationship?

Errr....no

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
What is your point in saying if your son wants to discuss his marital issues with you you aren't going to stop him? So you would be ok bashing your DIL. Why wouldn't you tell your son he needs to be discussing these issues with his wife? I mean I don't understand why anyone would want to put themselves in the middle of someone else's marital issues. That's just looking for drama. When friends/family come to me with their marital issues I tell them they should talk over their issues with their spouse I don't want to be in the middle.

My children have my blessing to talk to me about their spouses all they want, good and bad.

I don't really care what you tell your friends and family. We all have our own ways.

Wait, do you actually tell your children spefically talk to me about marital issues you have? You would be fine with your child bashing their spouse. I just don't understand why you would want to play middle man and get in the middle of drama in someone else's marriage.

Anyways in my post I stated I would like our marital issues to stay between us and you turn around and say that you wouldn't mind your son talking to you about his spouse. When that comment literally had nothing to do with my point. I wasn't asking if his mom is ok with it that's not the point I don't give a shit if his mom encourages my DH to talk about our marital issues I don't like it and out of respect for our marriage I want our issues to stay between us. What if you find out your son's wife doesn't like it you would still encourage it? It isn't about if his mom likes it or not it is about if me as his wife wants her marital issues aired

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Do you have siblings OP? Do you not do things just with them?

My sisters and I and our mom sometimes have lunch and dinner together no husbands.

Husbands also can their moms and talk privately and visit them without the wives.

Ok but usually grown men don't have that much in common with their mom usually girls talk privately with mom about girly things and vice versa with guys and their dads. Also please give me an example of something a husband might want to talk to privately with his mom and not his wife? I usually don't hear grown men telling their mom their deepest darkest secrets

Hi! Welcome to 2020 where your dumb gender stereotypes don’t fly. I talk to my dad a ton. We have basically the same personality. My DH talks to his mom more than his dad. Sometime in front of me, sometimes not.

Ok but does your husband walk away when it's just you and him to talk to his mom? Does your MIL make you feel like you aren't a welcomed member of the family? Does your MIL have planned scheduled family dinners every other Friday and specifically tell your husband not to bring you? I'm guessing not

No, but I’m not a crazy, controlling, overly sensitive person. Also, your stereotypes have nothing to do with what is purportedly happening to you. But just goes to show how strange your thinking is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What happens when you call her and invite her to lunch?

Since she works odd hours it's usually on the weekends and I'll call/text her a couple days before for like a Saturday and say DH and I would like to get lunch with you and she will either ignore it or just call DH later to finalize plans but I imagine it would kill her to actually text me herself. I invited her out to lunch when DH was away one weekend for work and she just said she is going out with her daughter didn't even think to invite me. Not saying she has to everytime she goes out with her daughter obviously but since i reached out it would have been nice knowing I was sitting home alone.

Why on EARTH would you expect to be invited out to lunch with your MIL and SIL really ever?!? Why didn’t you plan something with your friends when your DH was out of town? Is it because you have no friends?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What happens when you call her and invite her to lunch?

Since she works odd hours it's usually on the weekends and I'll call/text her a couple days before for like a Saturday and say DH and I would like to get lunch with you and she will either ignore it or just call DH later to finalize plans but I imagine it would kill her to actually text me herself. I invited her out to lunch when DH was away one weekend for work and she just said she is going out with her daughter didn't even think to invite me. Not saying she has to everytime she goes out with her daughter obviously but since i reached out it would have been nice knowing I was sitting home alone.

Why on EARTH would you expect to be invited out to lunch with your MIL and SIL really ever?!? Why didn’t you plan something with your friends when your DH was out of town? Is it because you have no friends?

I have friends but they were busy that weekend but knowing I was by myself why wouldn't mil want to include me with the girls? Why is it such a foreign concept to hang out with a mil and SIL? I know plenty of women who get invited to girls day with their MIL and SILs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What happens when you call her and invite her to lunch?

Since she works odd hours it's usually on the weekends and I'll call/text her a couple days before for like a Saturday and say DH and I would like to get lunch with you and she will either ignore it or just call DH later to finalize plans but I imagine it would kill her to actually text me herself. I invited her out to lunch when DH was away one weekend for work and she just said she is going out with her daughter didn't even think to invite me. Not saying she has to everytime she goes out with her daughter obviously but since i reached out it would have been nice knowing I was sitting home alone.

Why on EARTH would you expect to be invited out to lunch with your MIL and SIL really ever?!? Why didn’t you plan something with your friends when your DH was out of town? Is it because you have no friends?

I have friends but they were busy that weekend but knowing I was by myself why wouldn't mil want to include me with the girls? Why is it such a foreign concept to hang out with a mil and SIL? I know plenty of women who get invited to girls day with their MIL and SILs.

ALL of your friends were busy that weekend? Why did you sit at home alone? You can’t go do something yourself?

Have you ever invited your MIL and SIL to a girls day? Why is the onus on them?

And most importantly, do you think you have no role to play in this dynamic? You seem to play the victim a lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What happens when you call her and invite her to lunch?

Since she works odd hours it's usually on the weekends and I'll call/text her a couple days before for like a Saturday and say DH and I would like to get lunch with you and she will either ignore it or just call DH later to finalize plans but I imagine it would kill her to actually text me herself. I invited her out to lunch when DH was away one weekend for work and she just said she is going out with her daughter didn't even think to invite me. Not saying she has to everytime she goes out with her daughter obviously but since i reached out it would have been nice knowing I was sitting home alone.

Why on EARTH would you expect to be invited out to lunch with your MIL and SIL really ever?!? Why didn’t you plan something with your friends when your DH was out of town? Is it because you have no friends?

I have friends but they were busy that weekend but knowing I was by myself why wouldn't mil want to include me with the girls? Why is it such a foreign concept to hang out with a mil and SIL? I know plenty of women who get invited to girls day with their MIL and SILs.

ALL of your friends were busy that weekend? Why did you sit at home alone? You can’t go do something yourself?

Have you ever invited your MIL and SIL to a girls day? Why is the onus on them?

And most importantly, do you think you have no role to play in this dynamic? You seem to play the victim a lot.

My husband left Friday night. Saturday my friends all had plans. Sunday afternoon I went to brunch with some of my girls. I have invited my SIL and MIL to brunch or girls days before and they either say no or they go a couple weeks later and never invite me. I don't expect to be invited obviously every time they go out as mother and daughter but it would be nice to be invited sometime as a DIL/SIL. I just feel like when I'm never invited it's like they don't see me as a member of the family AT ALL and its hurtful.

I'm not saying I never play a role but c'mon you can't seriously claim this is normal behavior to act towards someone married into the family to insist to your son he can't bring his wife to a family dinner 2x a month. You guys talk about me putting him in between him and his mom well by his mom telling my husband not to invite me she is putting herself in between her son and his wife. Your parents and siblings become your extended family and your spouse and any children you have are now your main family.

To me once you're married you stick by your spouse and they come first they are your main family now. I would never dream (hypothetically speaking) if I had a grown son to put him in a position of choosing between me and his wife and I would never dream of telling him he can't bring her and i wohld expect him to choose his wife every time. Once married they are your main family along with any children you choose to have.

Again what if we had kids would he be expected to go to these family dinners and not bring me? Therefore expecting me to tend to the guys by myself almost every Friday while my husband gets to sit back and enjoy wine and dinner with his family of origin? How is that fair to me? I dunno I just feel like the minute his mother told him not to bring me he should have stood up for me and said mom I'm sorry I can't exclude my wife shr is my main family and therefore can't be left out of a family dinner. I love you and want to spend time with you but not at the exclusion of my wife just about every Friday.

[Anonymous]

Please stop feeding the troll.

[Anonymous]

If your relationship is good, don't worry about this. Give him his space and privacy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please stop feeding the troll.

This. She clearly has mental issues and only wants to hear someone agree with her instead of ruminating on the many posts here that tell her that she may be the issue.