Husband leaves room to talk to MIL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I disagree so a son should talk to his mother 5x a day or when he is spending quality time with his wife and you wouldn't describe that as a boundary issue? There is such a thing as cutting the cord.

If he's talking to her in the middle of what you call "quality time", then he doesn't see it a "quality time" and it's not that special to him.

If they talk happily five times a day, then that's what works for them and it's none of your business.

Anonymous wrote:
Nope I also disagree not aboht whatever he wants because if he is talking about our marital issues that is about me so therefore I do have a say what he discusses involving our marriage.

He's a grown man and can discuss whatever he likes with whoever he likes. You can ask him but you cannot stop him unless you tape his mouth shut. Where do you get off thinking you can control who says what about you? Life doesn't work that way. Certainly if my son wants to discuss his marital issues with me, I'm not going to stop him!

Anonymous wrote: Yes again how is it not a boundary issue when mil is specificity telling my DH to exclude me from family dinners 2x a month? You really think it's acceptable for DH to oblige to this request of his mothers and put her first and say to me his wife sorry hunny I'm going to go have dinner with my actual family 2x a month and you're never invited?

A better question to ask is this: why doesn't she consider you good company?

Anonymous wrote:You honestly don't see at all where there is lack of boundaries with my MIL. You read on here all the time that there needs to be boundaries with MILs and its important for the husband to put his wife first. But nope not in this thread. Its perfectly acceptable for mom to call 50x a day and to exclude his wife on a consistent basis and I just have to accept it because his mom doesn't have any boundary issues just me. Maybe I should head over to DWIL message board because here we just promote momma boy behavior.

It would be a lack of boundaries if your husband objected. Since he doesn't, I don't see how it's a lack of boundaries. His boundaries are open wide to is family.

Do you have to accept it? I mean you don't have to accept it, you can always divorce him. I don't see a gun to your head keeping you in this marriage. Lord knows you waited for it long enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's very telling you have been together 15 years, but only married the last 2.

What does that have to do with anything? If anything the fact that we been together so long is a good thing.

It's not

How do you figure? He did marry me and has been with me all these years doesn't that day something?

Girls with high self esteem don't stay that long with men who don't marry them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What happens when you call her and invite her to lunch?

Since she works odd hours it's usually on the weekends and I'll call/text her a couple days before for like a Saturday and say DH and I would like to get lunch with you and she will either ignore it or just call DH later to finalize plans but I imagine it would kill her to actually text me herself. I invited her out to lunch when DH was away one weekend for work and she just said she is going out with her daughter didn't even think to invite me. Not saying she has to everytime she goes out with her daughter obviously but since i reached out it would have been nice knowing I was sitting home alone.

You need friends and a hobby

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, there is a reason that they don't want to invite you. and there is a reason that DH doesn't seem to care that you're not invited either. Time to have a good hard look at what those reasons may be. *hint, if you're anything like you are on here IRL, that's the reason *

Well it's like the old adage what came first the chicken or the egg? Did you ever stop to think I get upset because they exclude me? Not that they exclude me because I act like this?

Have you ever asked your DH why he doesn't insist you are involved in these plans? I don't know why you place all the blame on your MIL. Your husband could have your back here but he chooses not to. And please don't say that it's because she has some weird hold on him. He's a grown adult. And if he is that much of a momma's boy, don't have kids with him.

I agree about not having children with momma's boy. If you stay with him, insist on marital therapy, and learning about healthy boundaries.

Does MIL have a spouse? How's that going?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, there is a reason that they don't want to invite you. and there is a reason that DH doesn't seem to care that you're not invited either. Time to have a good hard look at what those reasons may be. *hint, if you're anything like you are on here IRL, that's the reason *

Well it's like the old adage what came first the chicken or the egg? Did you ever stop to think I get upset because they exclude me? Not that they exclude me because I act like this?

Have you ever asked your DH why he doesn't insist you are involved in these plans? I don't know why you place all the blame on your MIL. Your husband could have your back here but he chooses not to. And please don't say that it's because she has some weird hold on him. He's a grown adult. And if he is that much of a momma's boy, don't have kids with him.

I agree about not having children with momma's boy. If you stay with him, insist on marital therapy, and learning about healthy boundaries.

Does MIL have a spouse? How's that going?

You keep saying "boundaries" like it means anything. Carve this into your cortex: in any given relationship, the boundaries are wherever it pleases the people in it. Boundaries aren't fixed. They move, depending on how much you like the person and how much you want to share with them, and how much they want you to do it. If mother and son WILLINGLY talk five times a day then guess what? That's where their boundaries are. Calls may happen once a month but if they are unwelcome, that would be a violation of boundaries. Boundaries aren't about some mythical frequency that you deem correct. It's about only one thing: how much two people want to open to each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's very telling you have been together 15 years, but only married the last 2.

What does that have to do with anything? If anything the fact that we been together so long is a good thing.

It's not

How do you figure? He did marry me and has been with me all these years doesn't that day something?

It means he needed 13 years to decide to marry you. It means he married you out of inertia. It means he knew you would wait around like waity Katie. He knew you would not be snatched up by some other guy.

It means he kept dating you and hoping someone better will come along, they didn't so he married you.

[Anonymous]

This OP is mentally ill. I firmly believe that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This OP is mentally ill. I firmly believe that.

+1000.

[Anonymous]

What does a contract you entered into with your husband have to do with his and mom’s relationship?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This OP is mentally ill. I firmly believe that.

+1000.

I think so too. She followed me into the thread I made asking Jeff if this was a troll to bully me.

I would urge everyone to stop replying to this thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Growing up, I was always told it's rude to be on the phone when someone else is in the room.

Rude to the person in the room who is only hearing one side of a conversation/likely is doing something where they dont want to hear a one sided conversation

And rude to the person on the phone who may be unaware that someone is half listening in

I always leave the room when on a phone call.

Me too! I completely feel this way!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Growing up, I was always told it's rude to be on the phone when someone else is in the room.

Rude to the person in the room who is only hearing one side of a conversation/likely is doing something where they dont want to hear a one sided conversation

And rude to the person on the phone who may be unaware that someone is half listening in

I always leave the room when on a phone call.

Me too! I completely feel this way!!!

I even schedule calls or say I can’t talk when others are in the room and or I can’t completely focus on the call. And, get annoyed with those who do otherwise— with rare exceptions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I disagree so a son should talk to his mother 5x a day or when he is spending quality time with his wife and you wouldn't describe that as a boundary issue? There is such a thing as cutting the cord.

If he's talking to her in the middle of what you call "quality time", then he doesn't see it a "quality time" and it's not that special to him.

If they talk happily five times a day, then that's what works for them and it's none of your business.

Anonymous wrote:
Nope I also disagree not aboht whatever he wants because if he is talking about our marital issues that is about me so therefore I do have a say what he discusses involving our marriage.

He's a grown man and can discuss whatever he likes with whoever he likes. You can ask him but you cannot stop him unless you tape his mouth shut. Where do you get off thinking you can control who says what about you? Life doesn't work that way. Certainly if my son wants to discuss his marital issues with me, I'm not going to stop him!

Anonymous wrote: Yes again how is it not a boundary issue when mil is specificity telling my DH to exclude me from family dinners 2x a month? You really think it's acceptable for DH to oblige to this request of his mothers and put her first and say to me his wife sorry hunny I'm going to go have dinner with my actual family 2x a month and you're never invited?

A better question to ask is this: why doesn't she consider you good company?

Anonymous wrote:You honestly don't see at all where there is lack of boundaries with my MIL. You read on here all the time that there needs to be boundaries with MILs and its important for the husband to put his wife first. But nope not in this thread. Its perfectly acceptable for mom to call 50x a day and to exclude his wife on a consistent basis and I just have to accept it because his mom doesn't have any boundary issues just me. Maybe I should head over to DWIL message board because here we just promote momma boy behavior.

It would be a lack of boundaries if your husband objected. Since he doesn't, I don't see how it's a lack of boundaries. His boundaries are open wide to is family.

Do you have to accept it? I mean you don't have to accept it, you can always divorce him. I don't see a gun to your head keeping you in this marriage. Lord knows you waited for it long enough.

What is your point in saying if your son wants to discuss his marital issues with you you aren't going to stop him? So you would be ok bashing your DIL. Why wouldn't you tell your son he needs to be discussing these issues with his wife? I mean I don't understand why anyone would want to put themselves in the middle of someone else's marital issues. That's just looking for drama. When friends/family come to me with their marital issues I tell them they should talk over their issues with their spouse I don't want to be in the middle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, there is a reason that they don't want to invite you. and there is a reason that DH doesn't seem to care that you're not invited either. Time to have a good hard look at what those reasons may be. *hint, if you're anything like you are on here IRL, that's the reason *

Well it's like the old adage what came first the chicken or the egg? Did you ever stop to think I get upset because they exclude me? Not that they exclude me because I act like this?

Have you ever asked your DH why he doesn't insist you are involved in these plans? I don't know why you place all the blame on your MIL. Your husband could have your back here but he chooses not to. And please don't say that it's because she has some weird hold on him. He's a grown adult. And if he is that much of a momma's boy, don't have kids with him.

I agree about not having children with momma's boy. If you stay with him, insist on marital therapy, and learning about healthy boundaries.

Does MIL have a spouse? How's that going?

You keep saying "boundaries" like it means anything. Carve this into your cortex: in any given relationship, the boundaries are wherever it pleases the people in it. Boundaries aren't fixed. They move, depending on how much you like the person and how much you want to share with them, and how much they want you to do it. If mother and son WILLINGLY talk five times a day then guess what? That's where their boundaries are. Calls may happen once a month but if they are unwelcome, that would be a violation of boundaries. Boundaries aren't about some mythical frequency that you deem correct. It's about only one thing: how much two people want to open to each other.

Are you in a three-way relationship?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This OP is mentally ill. I firmly believe that.

+1000.

I think so too. She followed me into the thread I made asking Jeff if this was a troll to bully me.

I would urge everyone to stop replying to this thread.

I'd agree with this. Either a troll of just totally mentally ill on a manic arc. No one stable digs in like this despite a good amount of reasonable advice.