Dilemma: Support Son National Sports Championship or Ex’s Wedding?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have a 3rd option: Support your son in having a conversation with his dad. Role play with him how to talk with dad about wanting to go to the sports event. If he’s not sure what to say, you can offer language. What you can’t do is the talking. This has to be between your son and his dad. You have to stay focused on what your son says, not what you think his dad will say, what the fiancé wants or says or who’s right/wrong. Make this about helping your son advocate for himself, not taking sides.

Op here, great idea conceptually, just not certain that middle school aged DS is old enough/ready/mature enough to have to navigate that conversation without being made to feel guilty or manipulated by Dad/New wife.

My son has clearly stated that he wants to go to champs, to the point of getting very emotional (understandably) about it. I know that he probably wants his dad to be there as well.

I just don’t want my kid to feel guilty or distracted by having to have the conversation...

Tell your son you are making the decision for him and that he will be attending the sporting event. That way you relieve him of the anxiety and guilt over making the choice.

Family first. It should not be an option

Wedding hands down. He needs to be there with his father. Sports competitions come and go. He will have many more sports competitions. He only has one Dad.

Both decisions are family first, ironically.

No they are not. One is just a sporting event. If a Nationals pitcher can miss a game during the World Series to attend the birth of his child, this boy can miss a “national championship” (for a TWEEN team, natch) that in the great scheme of things means nothing, for the wedding of his father.

OP knows this deep down. She is just pissed her ex is getting remarried and is trying to use her son as leverage to express her disapproval.

Her contempt for the new wife oozes from her post.

She needs to be an adult, tell son this is life, there will be other sporting events, a “national championship” that is only theoretical at this point doesn’t matter. And if that does come to be, life is about hard choices, doing the right thing, and sometimes being disappointed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nothing is more cringe-y than a second wedding pretending to be a first (real) wedding.

Wow, the bitterness on this board is amazing!! This has nothing to do with the child, this has everything to do with pettiness. Your marriage was "real", but when your ex-husband remarries that is not real??

Not if you take someone's vows seriously "til death do us part"? How humiliating to stand up in front of the same people who watched you promise that the first time, and they are all politely pretending that never happened.

Again, that is your "stuff" coming out. Get help, let go of the bitterness from your own divorce. It is embarrassing.

Nobody is bitter. Most people think a second wedding is tacky. Why do a big wedding just go get married it’s all about the love. A second wedding is tacky and it’s asking people that already gave you wedding presents to give you wedding presents again.

Oh, ok

It is pretty universally acknowledged by all etiquette experts that big second weddings, second wedding showers and gift grabs, etc are tacky to the extreme.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have changed my mind: family before sports.

This is sort of a moot point, anyway — aren’t you speculating about his team qualifying for some national championship and that may not happen while the wedding date is certain?

This is his dad. The wedding is more important than a sporting event for a tween. If he were playing Wimbledon that would be something else entirely but if this is just another tournament marketed as a “national championship” — those are pretty common. It would help to know what sport we are talking about.

No, it's not. This is his DAD's wedding, to a woman who is not part of the teen's family. It was 100% on the dad and his new wife to set the wedding date to prioritize blending the family, including the most important blending family members (ie the children). They didn't do this. So the dad and his fiance are the ones who chose not to prioritize blending the family at the wedding.

You are completely deluded if you think adults need to clear schedules with small children.

If it wasn't this "national championship" it would have been something else.

Wedding trumps kid sports. It's only a tournament for literally a child. Whoopsie daisy. That's not significant, I don't care whether or not it's a "national championship." Do you know how many of those there are?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have a 3rd option: Support your son in having a conversation with his dad. Role play with him how to talk with dad about wanting to go to the sports event. If he’s not sure what to say, you can offer language. What you can’t do is the talking. This has to be between your son and his dad. You have to stay focused on what your son says, not what you think his dad will say, what the fiancé wants or says or who’s right/wrong. Make this about helping your son advocate for himself, not taking sides.

Op here, great idea conceptually, just not certain that middle school aged DS is old enough/ready/mature enough to have to navigate that conversation without being made to feel guilty or manipulated by Dad/New wife.

My son has clearly stated that he wants to go to champs, to the point of getting very emotional (understandably) about it. I know that he probably wants his dad to be there as well.

I just don’t want my kid to feel guilty or distracted by having to have the conversation...

Tell your son you are making the decision for him and that he will be attending the sporting event. That way you relieve him of the anxiety and guilt over making the choice.

Family first. It should not be an option

Wedding hands down. He needs to be there with his father. Sports competitions come and go. He will have many more sports competitions. He only has one Dad.

Both decisions are family first, ironically.

No they are not. One is just a sporting event. If a Nationals pitcher can miss a game during the World Series to attend the birth of his child, this boy can miss a “national championship” (for a TWEEN team, natch) that in the great scheme of things means nothing, for the wedding of his father.

OP knows this deep down. She is just pissed her ex is getting remarried and is trying to use her son as leverage to express her disapproval.

Her contempt for the new wife oozes from her post.

She needs to be an adult, tell son this is life, there will be other sporting events, a “national championship” that is only theoretical at this point doesn’t matter. And if that does come to be, life is about hard choices, doing the right thing, and sometimes being disappointed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When you marry someone who already has kids, you need to defer to their ability to attend the wedding if you actually want them to attend. It is the first of many, many times when you will be put second, third, or last. That's just how it is when you choose to marry someone who already has a family.

He is able to attend the wedding. There is nothing on his calendar yet. They haven’t qualified for nationals — OP just believes they will.

Nobody really knows if the husband is going to go through with the second marriage so technically that date is just a maybe too.

Considering his track record for showing up for his own kid, it sounds like 50/50 odds that he no-shows at this wedding too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I suspect fiance knew the date conflicted and deliberately picked it.

+ 1

She wants to pretend this is a first wedding and marks the start of her family. Her husband’s teen son in all her pictures kind of destroys the fantasy...

This might be plausible if the kid had actually qualified for anything, which he hasn’t. So the sane conclusion is she had no idea about a hypothetical national tournament.

Ask yourself why the national championship date was on OP's radar, and not OP's X (and therefore the fiance). It's because OP's X has checked out of the child's life, and didn't bother to know that it is likely to be a conflict.

I completely agree but the evil stepmother narrative *trying* to conflict seems pretty silly.

[Anonymous]

Wedding hands down. Competitions come and go. He will
have many more competitions.

[Anonymous]

I only do re-gifts for second weddings. I loathe being asked to attend a big party for 2nd,3rd, weddings. I take joy in shopping my attic or gift closet for the happy couple.

The dad should plan the wedding for a day the child can attend. The child has a prior commitment for this date.

[Anonymous]

Most of the bitter ex harpies here pushing so hard for the kid to go to a sporting event instead of his father's wedding are bitter exes precisely BECAUSE they put their children at the center of their relationships. This is a fatal mistake in marriages. The adult relationship needs to be prioritized. The kids' needs come second. I recognize this impulse and I know why most of these women are divorced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have changed my mind: family before sports.

This is sort of a moot point, anyway — aren’t you speculating about his team qualifying for some national championship and that may not happen while the wedding date is certain?

This is his dad. The wedding is more important than a sporting event for a tween. If he were playing Wimbledon that would be something else entirely but if this is just another tournament marketed as a “national championship” — those are pretty common. It would help to know what sport we are talking about.

No, it's not. This is his DAD's wedding, to a woman who is not part of the teen's family. It was 100% on the dad and his new wife to set the wedding date to prioritize blending the family, including the most important blending family members (ie the children). They didn't do this. So the dad and his fiance are the ones who chose not to prioritize blending the family at the wedding.

You are completely deluded if you think adults need to clear schedules with small children.

If it wasn't this "national championship" it would have been something else.

Wedding trumps kid sports. It's only a tournament for literally a child. Whoopsie daisy. That's not significant, I don't care whether or not it's a "national championship." Do you know how many of those there are?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wedding hands down. Competitions come and go. He will
have many more competitions.

Looks like for this dad, weddings come and go....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most of the bitter ex harpies here pushing so hard for the kid to go to a sporting event instead of his father's wedding are bitter exes precisely BECAUSE they put their children at the center of their relationships. This is a fatal mistake in marriages. The adult relationship needs to be prioritized. The kids' needs come second. I recognize this impulse and I know why most of these women are divorced.

Why do you assume people agreeing with OP are divorced? I am not and am appalled at this dad’s selfishness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most of the bitter ex harpies here pushing so hard for the kid to go to a sporting event instead of his father's wedding are bitter exes precisely BECAUSE they put their children at the center of their relationships. This is a fatal mistake in marriages. The adult relationship needs to be prioritized. The kids' needs come second. I recognize this impulse and I know why most of these women are divorced.

This is very true. There are posters in houses of worship that are pyramid shaped on the walls of classrooms. God first. Spouse second on the pyramid. Rest of family third. Too
many women (and I'm a woman) put there kids first and the marriage crumbles.

[Anonymous]

No one wants to hear about how you prioritize a Flying Spaghetti Monster.

Last I heard, most gods are not big on divorce and second weddings...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most of the bitter ex harpies here pushing so hard for the kid to go to a sporting event instead of his father's wedding are bitter exes precisely BECAUSE they put their children at the center of their relationships. This is a fatal mistake in marriages. The adult relationship needs to be prioritized. The kids' needs come second. I recognize this impulse and I know why most of these women are divorced.

This is very true. There are posters in houses of worship that are pyramid shaped on the walls of classrooms. God first. Spouse second on the pyramid. Rest of family third. Too
many women (and I'm a woman) put there kids first and the marriage crumbles.

What kind of bizarre churches are these? I have never seen a poster like this.