Dilemma: Support Son National Sports Championship or Ex’s Wedding?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I suspect fiance knew the date conflicted and deliberately picked it.

+ 1

She wants to pretend this is a first wedding and marks the start of her family. Her husband’s teen son in all her pictures kind of destroys the fantasy...

This might be plausible if the kid had actually qualified for anything, which he hasn’t. So the sane conclusion is she had no idea about a hypothetical national tournament.

[Anonymous]

Why do people assume this is a second wedding? We don’t know that OP and DS’s dad were married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What's the sport. Most "national championships" at the middle school level are money grabs from parents living out their athletic dreams thru their kids.

This 100%

Weddings are the championship of money grabbing.

[Anonymous]

Wedding etiquette states that if there are children from a previous marriage the second wedding should not be anything that makes the children feel uncomfortable. They should be consulted on the size, location, and timing of the wedding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nothing is more cringe-y than a second wedding pretending to be a first (real) wedding.

Wow, the bitterness on this board is amazing!! This has nothing to do with the child, this has everything to do with pettiness. Your marriage was "real", but when your ex-husband remarries that is not real??

Not if you take someone's vows seriously "til death do us part"? How humiliating to stand up in front of the same people who watched you promise that the first time, and they are all politely pretending that never happened.

Again, that is your "stuff" coming out. Get help, let go of the bitterness from your own divorce. It is embarrassing.

Nobody is bitter. Most people think a second wedding is tacky. Why do a big wedding just go get married it’s all about the love. A second wedding is tacky and it’s asking people that already gave you wedding presents to give you wedding presents again.

Oh, ok

Sorry. You are clearly having or had a 2nd wedding.

Actually, I have not. This board in infamous for the bitter ex wives club. Everyone knows that. Sorry you are a bitter ex wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Support the kid. His date is set by outside forces. Ex didn't consult anyone when she set hers. If she wanted the kid at her wedding she'd move mountains to have him there.

+1.

Why isn't son's other parent moving the wedding date?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nothing is more cringe-y than a second wedding pretending to be a first (real) wedding.

Wow, the bitterness on this board is amazing!! This has nothing to do with the child, this has everything to do with pettiness. Your marriage was "real", but when your ex-husband remarries that is not real??

Not if you take someone's vows seriously "til death do us part"? How humiliating to stand up in front of the same people who watched you promise that the first time, and they are all politely pretending that never happened.

Again, that is your "stuff" coming out. Get help, let go of the bitterness from your own divorce. It is embarrassing.

Nobody is bitter. Most people think a second wedding is tacky. Why do a big wedding just go get married it’s all about the love. A second wedding is tacky and it’s asking people that already gave you wedding presents to give you wedding presents again.

Oh, ok

Sorry. You are clearly having or had a 2nd wedding.

Actually, I have not. This board in infamous for the bitter ex wives club. Everyone knows that. Sorry you are a bitter ex wife.

Nope not an ex wife. But I do not give gifts at 2nd, 3rd, 4th weddings nor do I go to “bridal showers” for them.

If you are in livenget married in a quiet private ceremony.

Etiquette.. a long lost friend.

[Anonymous]

Who gives a shit about gifts?
Dad wants his son there the kid is a tween - certainly old enough to express his preferences/grievances without crying and throwing a tantrum.
Let the kid come out and tell his dad how he feels about attending whether for or against and why.

[Anonymous]

Sports National Championship, for sure. Your DH and his fiance are being immature here, and your son should not have to bear the brunt of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have changed my mind: family before sports.

This is sort of a moot point, anyway — aren’t you speculating about his team qualifying for some national championship and that may not happen while the wedding date is certain?

This is his dad. The wedding is more important than a sporting event for a tween. If he were playing Wimbledon that would be something else entirely but if this is just another tournament marketed as a “national championship” — those are pretty common. It would help to know what sport we are talking about.

No, it's not. This is his DAD's wedding, to a woman who is not part of the teen's family. It was 100% on the dad and his new wife to set the wedding date to prioritize blending the family, including the most important blending family members (ie the children). They didn't do this. So the dad and his fiance are the ones who chose not to prioritize blending the family at the wedding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have a 3rd option: Support your son in having a conversation with his dad. Role play with him how to talk with dad about wanting to go to the sports event. If he’s not sure what to say, you can offer language. What you can’t do is the talking. This has to be between your son and his dad. You have to stay focused on what your son says, not what you think his dad will say, what the fiancé wants or says or who’s right/wrong. Make this about helping your son advocate for himself, not taking sides.

Op here, great idea conceptually, just not certain that middle school aged DS is old enough/ready/mature enough to have to navigate that conversation without being made to feel guilty or manipulated by Dad/New wife.

My son has clearly stated that he wants to go to champs, to the point of getting very emotional (understandably) about it. I know that he probably wants his dad to be there as well.

I just don’t want my kid to feel guilty or distracted by having to have the conversation...

Tell your son you are making the decision for him and that he will be attending the sporting event. That way you relieve him of the anxiety and guilt over making the choice.

She cannot do that without violating a court order. Not to mention it sends the wrong message. Family trumps sports.

OP here.

Re the court order, dad has been a no show over 20 times in the last two years. Never attended one of DS competitions, even the ones on his weekends. Last time he filed a motion for contempt it was dismissed partially due to his repeated lack of compliance with the order.

This is not an issue of family versus sports. It’s one adult’s important possibly life changing event over a child’s important possibly life changing event.

Our son has devoted two years, 10-20 hours per week to his event and is passionate about it. Unfair to minimize it because it happens to be athletics...and not dresses and cake.

I will minimize it: it is only a sporting event. That you are speculating he will qualify for. And no, it won’t change is life. Stop being so dramatic. I cannot think of a single “national championship” for a TWEEN that would be life-altering.

It also sounds to me from your attitude that you keep your son from your ex — he is obviously fighting for access. And may be alienating son from ex as well.

The sport is not important, OP. I am a coach of an elite fastpitch softball team and I would tell my player to go to the wedding. That is far more important.

Have you read this thread?! The OP has stated that the dad has not attended the child's sports events and has a been a no show 20 times for his assigned days with child. You are just spewing false accusations.

[Anonymous]

You asked. They are not changing the date. Your son has not yet made nationals. So stop worrying until you have something to worry about.

As to what to do, let your kid go to Nationals if he wants. There is no good choice for him and he lives with the consequences either way. So you should let him decide and support that. I think your emphasis on future benefits is weak but as a parent of a kid whose competed nationally and internationally, I understand how much work kids do to get to that point and how much it means to kids to participate at that level. I also know how little weddings mean to kids and how ambivalent kids are when it comes to remarriage of a parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"The order is: Family, school, God, your sport. In that order. "

That should be the order for Dad and soon to be step mom too. Unfortunately, they don't seem to consider the child, otherwise they would not have scheduled an event to place him in a position where all of these things come into conflict. They could have picked a different weekend; the kid can't. This is on them. No child should be forced to make a choice like this when it is entirely avoidable.

THIS. If I were OP, I would actually fully go to the mat (to court) over this if if her X tried to force him to go. X and new stepmom need to learn their place (the place that the X has chosen).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I suspect fiance knew the date conflicted and deliberately picked it.

+ 1

She wants to pretend this is a first wedding and marks the start of her family. Her husband’s teen son in all her pictures kind of destroys the fantasy...

This might be plausible if the kid had actually qualified for anything, which he hasn’t. So the sane conclusion is she had no idea about a hypothetical national tournament.

Ask yourself why the national championship date was on OP's radar, and not OP's X (and therefore the fiance). It's because OP's X has checked out of the child's life, and didn't bother to know that it is likely to be a conflict.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nothing is more cringe-y than a second wedding pretending to be a first (real) wedding.

Wow, the bitterness on this board is amazing!! This has nothing to do with the child, this has everything to do with pettiness. Your marriage was "real", but when your ex-husband remarries that is not real??

Not if you take someone's vows seriously "til death do us part"? How humiliating to stand up in front of the same people who watched you promise that the first time, and they are all politely pretending that never happened.

Again, that is your "stuff" coming out. Get help, let go of the bitterness from your own divorce. It is embarrassing.

Lol, I have been happily married for 16 years. But OK.