Dilemma: Support Son National Sports Championship or Ex’s Wedding?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When you marry someone who already has kids, you need to defer to their ability to attend the wedding if you actually want them to attend. It is the first of many, many times when you will be put second, third, or last. That's just how it is when you choose to marry someone who already has a family.

He is able to attend the wedding. There is nothing on his calendar yet. They haven’t qualified for nationals — OP just believes they will.

Nobody really knows if the husband is going to go through with the second marriage so technically that date is just a maybe too.

Considering his track record for showing up for his own kid, it sounds like 50/50 odds that he no-shows at this wedding too.

More likely scenario is every one of "his" weekends were consumed by this sport that Mom has pushed kid so hard to be active in. So his choices then were either to get in the way of the kid's sport earlier by refusing to take him on HIS weekends or yield to the sport. And, no, not every parent enjoys devoting hours of every weekend attending youth sporting events. Who knows. He's entitled to a life without being held hostage to all-consuming youth sports, even if Mom has chosen not to have one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have changed my mind: family before sports.

This is sort of a moot point, anyway — aren’t you speculating about his team qualifying for some national championship and that may not happen while the wedding date is certain?

This is his dad. The wedding is more important than a sporting event for a tween. If he were playing Wimbledon that would be something else entirely but if this is just another tournament marketed as a “national championship” — those are pretty common. It would help to know what sport we are talking about.

No, it's not. This is his DAD's wedding, to a woman who is not part of the teen's family. It was 100% on the dad and his new wife to set the wedding date to prioritize blending the family, including the most important blending family members (ie the children). They didn't do this. So the dad and his fiance are the ones who chose not to prioritize blending the family at the wedding.

You are completely deluded if you think adults need to clear schedules with small children.

If it wasn't this "national championship" it would have been something else.

Wedding trumps kid sports. It's only a tournament for literally a child. Whoopsie daisy. That's not significant, I don't care whether or not it's a "national championship." Do you know how many of those there are?

he's not a small child; he's a tween.

running roughshod over something very important to a teen/tween in planning family events is a TERRIBLE way to start a blended family. It's 100% on the X and his fiance here for not being flexible with the wedding schedule. This is their CHILD - not a 2nd cousin whose attendance is NBD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most of the bitter ex harpies here pushing so hard for the kid to go to a sporting event instead of his father's wedding are bitter exes precisely BECAUSE they put their children at the center of their relationships. This is a fatal mistake in marriages. The adult relationship needs to be prioritized. The kids' needs come second. I recognize this impulse and I know why most of these women are divorced.

Why do you assume people agreeing with OP are divorced? I am not and am appalled at this dad’s selfishness.

If you have a child-centered marriage and family, you soon will be divorced. Mark my words.

Dad's selfishness? I don't get that AT ALL. I see a mom actively trying to poison her kid's relationship with his father and succeeding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When you marry someone who already has kids, you need to defer to their ability to attend the wedding if you actually want them to attend. It is the first of many, many times when you will be put second, third, or last. That's just how it is when you choose to marry someone who already has a family.

He is able to attend the wedding. There is nothing on his calendar yet. They haven’t qualified for nationals — OP just believes they will.

Nobody really knows if the husband is going to go through with the second marriage so technically that date is just a maybe too.

Considering his track record for showing up for his own kid, it sounds like 50/50 odds that he no-shows at this wedding too.

More likely scenario is every one of "his" weekends were consumed by this sport that Mom has pushed kid so hard to be active in. So his choices then were either to get in the way of the kid's sport earlier by refusing to take him on HIS weekends or yield to the sport. And, no, not every parent enjoys devoting hours of every weekend attending youth sporting events. Who knows. He's entitled to a life without being held hostage to all-consuming youth sports, even if Mom has chosen not to have one.

Great, then he made his choice and his son won't be at his second wedding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No one wants to hear about how you prioritize a Flying Spaghetti Monster.

Last I heard, most gods are not big on divorce and second weddings...

Given your derision of deities, you are not fit to opine on what they are or are not "big" on.

Let me put this to you another way: It's his father's weekend. If his father wants son at his wedding, son will attend. The end.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most of the bitter ex harpies here pushing so hard for the kid to go to a sporting event instead of his father's wedding are bitter exes precisely BECAUSE they put their children at the center of their relationships. This is a fatal mistake in marriages. The adult relationship needs to be prioritized. The kids' needs come second. I recognize this impulse and I know why most of these women are divorced.

Why do you assume people agreeing with OP are divorced? I am not and am appalled at this dad’s selfishness.

If you have a child-centered marriage and family, you soon will be divorced. Mark my words.

Dad's selfishness? I don't get that AT ALL. I see a mom actively trying to poison her kid's relationship with his father and succeeding.

You have zero clue about how 2nd marriages work. In a second marriage you HAVE to prioritize the child; because the child did not chose the second marriage, and has lost the stability of the nuclear family. Plus, it is far, far too easy for new spouses to be abusive and neglectful of their stepkids under the guise of "putting the marriage first." Kids coming from broken homes need to feel like THEY come first; not the random new lady/dude that mom or dad has brought home. This isn't to say that you center the entire family around the child -- obviously -- but that you work hard to make the stepkid part of the family, and you compromise more. Deliberately scheduling a wedding date in the way that creates a painful conflict FOR THE CHILD is a horrible way to start out a blended family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most of the bitter ex harpies here pushing so hard for the kid to go to a sporting event instead of his father's wedding are bitter exes precisely BECAUSE they put their children at the center of their relationships. This is a fatal mistake in marriages. The adult relationship needs to be prioritized. The kids' needs come second. I recognize this impulse and I know why most of these women are divorced.

Why do you assume people agreeing with OP are divorced? I am not and am appalled at this dad’s selfishness.

If you have a child-centered marriage and family, you soon will be divorced. Mark my words.

Dad's selfishness? I don't get that AT ALL. I see a mom actively trying to poison her kid's relationship with his father and succeeding.

You have zero clue about how 2nd marriages work. In a second marriage you HAVE to prioritize the child; because the child did not chose the second marriage, and has lost the stability of the nuclear family. Plus, it is far, far too easy for new spouses to be abusive and neglectful of their stepkids under the guise of "putting the marriage first." Kids coming from broken homes need to feel like THEY come first; not the random new lady/dude that mom or dad has brought home. This isn't to say that you center the entire family around the child -- obviously -- but that you work hard to make the stepkid part of the family, and you compromise more. Deliberately scheduling a wedding date in the way that creates a painful conflict FOR THE CHILD is a horrible way to start out a blended family.

(Also ... you missed the whole part about dad being MIA for the past few years.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have changed my mind: family before sports.

This is sort of a moot point, anyway — aren’t you speculating about his team qualifying for some national championship and that may not happen while the wedding date is certain?

This is his dad. The wedding is more important than a sporting event for a tween. If he were playing Wimbledon that would be something else entirely but if this is just another tournament marketed as a “national championship” — those are pretty common. It would help to know what sport we are talking about.

No, it's not. This is his DAD's wedding, to a woman who is not part of the teen's family. It was 100% on the dad and his new wife to set the wedding date to prioritize blending the family, including the most important blending family members (ie the children). They didn't do this. So the dad and his fiance are the ones who chose not to prioritize blending the family at the wedding.

You are completely deluded if you think adults need to clear schedules with small children.

If it wasn't this "national championship" it would have been something else.

Wedding trumps kid sports. It's only a tournament for literally a child. Whoopsie daisy. That's not significant, I don't care whether or not it's a "national championship." Do you know how many of those there are?

he's not a small child; he's a tween.

running roughshod over something very important to a teen/tween in planning family events is a TERRIBLE way to start a blended family. It's 100% on the X and his fiance here for not being flexible with the wedding schedule. This is their CHILD - not a 2nd cousin whose attendance is NBD.

It isn't important to the child (a tween is still a child -- a SMALL child, mind you). And exactly -- because he is the CHILD, he will do what the ADULT tells him to do. And since he will be in the custody of his FATHER on the weekend in question, the FATHER's wishes are final. They can pick up the "blended family" thing later. But I promise you this -- skipping the wedding FOR A EFFING SPORTING EVENT will do more to hurt the "blended family" than temporary resentment over missing something fun. OP carrying on about scholarships and the like is hilarious since if the kid truly was some kind of phenom, he would have been playing up in the past. She doesn't even know if he will make the team -- she said "probably qualify." She is probably like most parents of youth athletes and grossly overestimate their talent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most of the bitter ex harpies here pushing so hard for the kid to go to a sporting event instead of his father's wedding are bitter exes precisely BECAUSE they put their children at the center of their relationships. This is a fatal mistake in marriages. The adult relationship needs to be prioritized. The kids' needs come second. I recognize this impulse and I know why most of these women are divorced.

Why do you assume people agreeing with OP are divorced? I am not and am appalled at this dad’s selfishness.

If you have a child-centered marriage and family, you soon will be divorced. Mark my words.

Dad's selfishness? I don't get that AT ALL. I see a mom actively trying to poison her kid's relationship with his father and succeeding.

You have zero clue about how 2nd marriages work. In a second marriage you HAVE to prioritize the child; because the child did not chose the second marriage, and has lost the stability of the nuclear family. Plus, it is far, far too easy for new spouses to be abusive and neglectful of their stepkids under the guise of "putting the marriage first." Kids coming from broken homes need to feel like THEY come first; not the random new lady/dude that mom or dad has brought home. This isn't to say that you center the entire family around the child -- obviously -- but that you work hard to make the stepkid part of the family, and you compromise more. Deliberately scheduling a wedding date in the way that creates a painful conflict FOR THE CHILD is a horrible way to start out a blended family.

(Also ... you missed the whole part about dad being MIA for the past few years.)

Maybe Dad was MIA the last few years because Mom immersed son in the stupid sport?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have changed my mind: family before sports.

This is sort of a moot point, anyway — aren’t you speculating about his team qualifying for some national championship and that may not happen while the wedding date is certain?

This is his dad. The wedding is more important than a sporting event for a tween. If he were playing Wimbledon that would be something else entirely but if this is just another tournament marketed as a “national championship” — those are pretty common. It would help to know what sport we are talking about.

No, it's not. This is his DAD's wedding, to a woman who is not part of the teen's family. It was 100% on the dad and his new wife to set the wedding date to prioritize blending the family, including the most important blending family members (ie the children). They didn't do this. So the dad and his fiance are the ones who chose not to prioritize blending the family at the wedding.

You are completely deluded if you think adults need to clear schedules with small children.

If it wasn't this "national championship" it would have been something else.

Wedding trumps kid sports. It's only a tournament for literally a child. Whoopsie daisy. That's not significant, I don't care whether or not it's a "national championship." Do you know how many of those there are?

he's not a small child; he's a tween.

running roughshod over something very important to a teen/tween in planning family events is a TERRIBLE way to start a blended family. It's 100% on the X and his fiance here for not being flexible with the wedding schedule. This is their CHILD - not a 2nd cousin whose attendance is NBD.

It isn't important to the child (a tween is still a child -- a SMALL child, mind you). And exactly -- because he is the CHILD, he will do what the ADULT tells him to do. And since he will be in the custody of his FATHER on the weekend in question, the FATHER's wishes are final. They can pick up the "blended family" thing later. But I promise you this -- skipping the wedding FOR A EFFING SPORTING EVENT will do more to hurt the "blended family" than temporary resentment over missing something fun. OP carrying on about scholarships and the like is hilarious since if the kid truly was some kind of phenom, he would have been playing up in the past. She doesn't even know if he will make the team -- she said "probably qualify." She is probably like most parents of youth athletes and grossly overestimate their talent.

If the FATHER cared so much, he could have showed up for the past few years, and could have taken steps not to deliberately create this conflict for his child. What kind of ADULT does that to a child?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When you marry someone who already has kids, you need to defer to their ability to attend the wedding if you actually want them to attend. It is the first of many, many times when you will be put second, third, or last. That's just how it is when you choose to marry someone who already has a family.

He is able to attend the wedding. There is nothing on his calendar yet. They haven’t qualified for nationals — OP just believes they will.

Nobody really knows if the husband is going to go through with the second marriage so technically that date is just a maybe too.

Considering his track record for showing up for his own kid, it sounds like 50/50 odds that he no-shows at this wedding too.

More likely scenario is every one of "his" weekends were consumed by this sport that Mom has pushed kid so hard to be active in. So his choices then were either to get in the way of the kid's sport earlier by refusing to take him on HIS weekends or yield to the sport. And, no, not every parent enjoys devoting hours of every weekend attending youth sporting events. Who knows. He's entitled to a life without being held hostage to all-consuming youth sports, even if Mom has chosen not to have one.

On “his” weekends, he should be the one taking the child to the child’s activities, sports, birthday parties, etc. That’s what normal parents do. He chose to skip out on his responsibilities 20 times. That’s just pathetic. Why are you trying to make excuses for him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most of the bitter ex harpies here pushing so hard for the kid to go to a sporting event instead of his father's wedding are bitter exes precisely BECAUSE they put their children at the center of their relationships. This is a fatal mistake in marriages. The adult relationship needs to be prioritized. The kids' needs come second. I recognize this impulse and I know why most of these women are divorced.

Why do you assume people agreeing with OP are divorced? I am not and am appalled at this dad’s selfishness.

If you have a child-centered marriage and family, you soon will be divorced. Mark my words.

Dad's selfishness? I don't get that AT ALL. I see a mom actively trying to poison her kid's relationship with his father and succeeding.

You have zero clue about how 2nd marriages work. In a second marriage you HAVE to prioritize the child; because the child did not chose the second marriage, and has lost the stability of the nuclear family. Plus, it is far, far too easy for new spouses to be abusive and neglectful of their stepkids under the guise of "putting the marriage first." Kids coming from broken homes need to feel like THEY come first; not the random new lady/dude that mom or dad has brought home. This isn't to say that you center the entire family around the child -- obviously -- but that you work hard to make the stepkid part of the family, and you compromise more. Deliberately scheduling a wedding date in the way that creates a painful conflict FOR THE CHILD is a horrible way to start out a blended family.

(Also ... you missed the whole part about dad being MIA for the past few years.)

Maybe Dad was MIA the last few years because Mom immersed son in the stupid sport?

Boy, if that's enough to make a dad neglect his kid, he's a pretty horrible dad. Wild horses couldn't drag me away from time with my kid, personally. I wouldn't love being a sports parent, but if that was what he wanted, so be it. If there were some indication that he wasn't thriving with the sports, I'd work that out with a parenting coordinator or mediator.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most of the bitter ex harpies here pushing so hard for the kid to go to a sporting event instead of his father's wedding are bitter exes precisely BECAUSE they put their children at the center of their relationships. This is a fatal mistake in marriages. The adult relationship needs to be prioritized. The kids' needs come second. I recognize this impulse and I know why most of these women are divorced.

Why do you assume people agreeing with OP are divorced? I am not and am appalled at this dad’s selfishness.

If you have a child-centered marriage and family, you soon will be divorced. Mark my words.

Dad's selfishness? I don't get that AT ALL. I see a mom actively trying to poison her kid's relationship with his father and succeeding.

That’s ridiculous. Most healthy functioning families put the children’s needs first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When you marry someone who already has kids, you need to defer to their ability to attend the wedding if you actually want them to attend. It is the first of many, many times when you will be put second, third, or last. That's just how it is when you choose to marry someone who already has a family.

He is able to attend the wedding. There is nothing on his calendar yet. They haven’t qualified for nationals — OP just believes they will.

Nobody really knows if the husband is going to go through with the second marriage so technically that date is just a maybe too.

Considering his track record for showing up for his own kid, it sounds like 50/50 odds that he no-shows at this wedding too.

More likely scenario is every one of "his" weekends were consumed by this sport that Mom has pushed kid so hard to be active in. So his choices then were either to get in the way of the kid's sport earlier by refusing to take him on HIS weekends or yield to the sport. And, no, not every parent enjoys devoting hours of every weekend attending youth sporting events. Who knows. He's entitled to a life without being held hostage to all-consuming youth sports, even if Mom has chosen not to have one.

On “his” weekends, he should be the one taking the child to the child’s activities, sports, birthday parties, etc. That’s what normal parents do. He chose to skip out on his responsibilities 20 times. That’s just pathetic. Why are you trying to make excuses for him?

Because his vision is literally patriarchal -- the FATHER can do whatever he deems correct with the CHILD -- ignore him, or summon him. Because FATHER IS FATHER and CHILD does not matter. OR something like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No one wants to hear about how you prioritize a Flying Spaghetti Monster.

Last I heard, most gods are not big on divorce and second weddings...

Given your derision of deities, you are not fit to opine on what they are or are not "big" on.

Let me put this to you another way: It's his father's weekend. If his father wants son at his wedding, son will attend. The end.

Someone can intellectually understand various religions “rules” without believing in the rules. That’s just....basic logic?