Reply to Unexpected parts of becoming a SAHM to small kids

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][b]I do not know any dual family homes with flexible jobs. Most people do not have flexibility in their jobs. Most are unfulfilled at their jobs. Most do not have job security.[/b]  Most do not make tons of money.  Most people work because their paycheck is required at home.

If you have the luxury of outsourcing your chores, making your kids lives stress free, flexibility of schedule to not have caretakers do the parenting, being there for your children all the time, not being run ragged yourself - you are very blessed and you are also an anomaly as a SAH/WOH/WAH parent.  This scenario is not what is available to majority of parents in any capacity.  [/quote]

Really? I feel like almost everyone I know in the DC area has a flexible job unless they are big law and have a SAH spouse. I went into government (GS-14 fed attorney) and it’s very stable and flexible. DH is in IT consulting and a lot of that work is done remotely with flexible hours except client meetings. I feel like we are pretty typical for the area.

Obviously we know we are fortunate, but I wanted to provide a counter to the doomsday scenario presented where kids are left with strangers or ignored 24/7 by working parents, which is not standard of the working parents I know. Our kids do attend a high quality Montessori preschool, but I would not qualify that as caretakers doing “the parenting.” Even the SAHMs I’m friends with send their kids out for at least part time preschool. It’s honestly good for kids to get out a bit on their own.[/quote]

Our friends all have flexible jobs, make good money, and enjoy their work.  I literally can't think of a single person out of all of them who doesn't feel that way.  And I'm talking about dozens and dozens of people.  Obviously your circle of friends is different, but that doesn't mean that your situation is the majority.[/quote]

I think sometimes when you hear SAHMs say they couldn't "find a job" with flexibility, what they are really trying to say is that they couldn't figure out how to run at full speed in their previous career AND take the flexibility needed to raise a family.  And, they didn't want (or didn't know how) to slow down in their career without just coming to a complete stop.

I SAH, and I'm an all-or-nothing kind of person - which I don't take pride in, by the way - and when I realized after having kids that I couldn't BOTH be at the absolute freaking top of my game, AND be the mother I wanted to be, I decided to take a break from my career to SAH.  Frankly, I was a high-achieving, type-A, Ivy-educated woman, and I'd been told my whole life I was the "future" and I'd "change the world" etc etc, and when it was clear I couldn't be PERFECT at everything, I felt I had to choose.  It's been great for my mental health to take a break from my career, to realize I have an identity that is separate from my achievements, and to see in others what true balance looks like.  I also am determined not to raise my children with the same pressure to achieve I felt as a kid (and continue to feel from my family, frankly).

So, if I say I couldn't find a job that was "flexible," what I mean is that if I pursued my career while trying to do 50% of the parenting, I would have been unhappy with both my career and my parenting.  That's on me.  I wish I were different, I'm working on being different, and I hope to work part-time in the future and achieve more balance.[/quote]

Interesting.  My performance at work hasn’t suffered one bit.  I do leave pretty early but this requires me to be extremely efficient.  It makes me sad you don’t think you can still succeed at work and have kids.

FWIW, most of the sahms I know seem to equate flexibility with telework, part time hours, short commute, etc.   I think they are just scared of working so they use this as an excuse.  
[/quote]

Maybe some are?  Probably most aren't?  I don't have to psychoanalyze working mothers to figure out why they work.  I don't know why you feel the need to psychoanalyze SAH parents.

I know my career would have / did suffer when I had children (is that so unusual?), but more importantly, I discovered I love being with small children, especially my own, and I'm extraordinarily happy I am in a position to spend my days with them when they are little.

People make choices for many different reasons.  We are not all the same.  We do not all share the same talents.  We do not all share the same interests.[/quote]

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