WWYD? Struggling to help my devastated teen DD whose friends/teammates pranked her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I posted earlier and said that I think you need to discuss with both the coach and the principal. . One of the things that really bothers me is how premeditated this was and how long and drawn out this "prank" was I'm shocked that not one kid went to a parent and told them about this.

I just read this thread and your comment is my take-away. This was a case of out-and-out bullying perpetrated not only by children but also by parents. The entire group sounds completely toxic. OP, I really think that not only does your daughter need to leave the team for a better environment but you also need to consider having her move to another school. I cannot imagine my daughter having to see her bullies every single day in school. And of course you need to speak with both the coach and the principal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would leave no doubt as to my opinion on this prank with the coach and the other parents.

I did once when my oldest was younger and pranked, and I really think that nobody thought I would say anything. But I did.

And you know what? It felt great to stand up for my daughter. I would do it again in a heartbeat. We teach others how to treat us.

Glad it felt great for you. It probably humiliated your kid! But hey you have to show everyone you’re the Mama Bear regardless of who gets embarrassed in the process right!!

+1

I think some "intense" moms get this drastically and dramatically wrong.

I see the bullies have found this thread. They don't want you to do anything about this incident because they are afraid of getting in trouble.

OP, the coach really should know about this incident. It affects the entire team and their trust in each other. Is this the kind of sport where the members are all out in a field or court together, needing to work with each other for a common goal? Or is it more of a individual sport, like tennis or swimming or gymnastics?

In an actual team effort sport, they all need to be able to work together and be able to count on each other. They will have trouble doing well in competition if they do not have the sense that they have each other's backs. I actually can see this kind of bullying happening more in individual sports, where the team mates feel more in competition with each other and may feel threatened by another's success.

Don't let your daughter walk away and let the bullies think it is okay to treat her or anyone else this way. Their behavior was just plain mean and they planned and carried it out over a number of days. They had time to rethink what they were doing and they did not. Telling someone in authority about what they did is actually a favor to them. They will have a better life if they learn now that it is unacceptable to treat people this way and that it is wrong to deliberately hurt others.

Best wishes to you and your daughter, OP.

[Anonymous]

OP again. I've had a heart-to-heart with my DD. Here's what we've decided (at least so far):

1. She has decided to stay on the team.

2. I've agreed not to take any affirmative steps to tell school or coach.

3. She understands that if someone asks me, in the normal course of conversation, where we were that I will not lie, that I will say matter-of-factly what happened.

4. She will try to maintain a new vigilance about who to trust and will stick up for anyone else in the locker room who may be targeted in the future.

5. I have offered (and she is thinking over) to get her some extra coaching to help move to Varsity so she will have a little respite from these girls (not in the locker room but at least at outside events).

I'll check back on Monday to let anyone interested know what happened when I ran into parents this weekend (if I do and I think I will).

-OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. I've had a heart-to-heart with my DD. Here's what we've decided (at least so far):

1. She has decided to stay on the team.

2. I've agreed not to take any affirmative steps to tell school or coach.

3. She understands that if someone asks me, in the normal course of conversation, where we were that I will not lie, that I will say matter-of-factly what happened.

4. She will try to maintain a new vigilance about who to trust and will stick up for anyone else in the locker room who may be targeted in the future.

5. I have offered (and she is thinking over) to get her some extra coaching to help move to Varsity so she will have a little respite from these girls (not in the locker room but at least at outside events).

I'll check back on Monday to let anyone interested know what happened when I ran into parents this weekend (if I do and I think I will).

-OP

OMG you really need to talk to the coach. If done extra coaching can get her to varsity, the coach will be more than willing to work with you to make it happen faster.

[Anonymous]

Her team and the varsity team are both aware this took place. Eventually it will leak out naturally without the OP needing to go against the wishes of her daughter.

[Anonymous]

OP I have much younger kids so am not in a position to advice you as such. However, I am wondering why you aren't able to advice or enlighten your daughter about going to coach and taking a harder stance on this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Her team and the varsity team are both aware this took place. Eventually it will leak out naturally without the OP needing to go against the wishes of her daughter.

Is this someone who knows OP and the situation?

[Anonymous]

This is one of those moments when parents have more perspective than kids. OP needs to tell the coach (and likely the principal). I would not defer to a teenager's request to keep quiet.

OP, your daughter needs to be protected by the adults in her life. Stand up for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is one of those moments when parents have more perspective than kids. OP needs to tell the coach (and likely the principal). I would not defer to a teenager's request to keep quiet.

OP, your daughter needs to be protected by the adults in her life. Stand up for her.

Wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would leave no doubt as to my opinion on this prank with the coach and the other parents.

I did once when my oldest was younger and pranked, and I really think that nobody thought I would say anything. But I did.

And you know what? It felt great to stand up for my daughter. I would do it again in a heartbeat. We teach others how to treat us.

Glad it felt great for you. It probably humiliated your kid! But hey you have to show everyone you’re the Mama Bear regardless of who gets embarrassed in the process right!!

+1

I think some "intense" moms get this drastically and dramatically wrong.

I see the bullies have found this thread. They don't want you to do anything about this incident because they are afraid of getting in trouble.

OP, the coach really should know about this incident. It affects the entire team and their trust in each other. Is this the kind of sport where the members are all out in a field or court together, needing to work with each other for a common goal? Or is it more of a individual sport, like tennis or swimming or gymnastics?

In an actual team effort sport, they all need to be able to work together and be able to count on each other. They will have trouble doing well in competition if they do not have the sense that they have each other's backs. I actually can see this kind of bullying happening more in individual sports, where the team mates feel more in competition with each other and may feel threatened by another's success.

Don't let your daughter walk away and let the bullies think it is okay to treat her or anyone else this way. Their behavior was just plain mean and they planned and carried it out over a number of days. They had time to rethink what they were doing and they did not. Telling someone in authority about what they did is actually a favor to them. They will have a better life if they learn now that it is unacceptable to treat people this way and that it is wrong to deliberately hurt others.

Best wishes to you and your daughter, OP.

No one is saying that, at all - you seem to be internalizing and deflecting far too much. I hope you don't do this with your own children, but I suspect you do, to their detriment. Sometimes parents think they are helping when they are not, that's all. Answering bullying with actions you simply can not take back is not the way to go. In fact, it is sen by schools as parents bullying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think it's a mistake just to go by what your dd says and not have her back. She's a teenager, not an adult, and the teen world for girls is ruled by social connections and not wanting to be the outgroup. Teens don't have the inherent judgment and maturity to recognize and deal with bullying, especially when it is happening to them and they're not seeing the 10,000 view.

If my daughter were sexually assaulted by a boyfriend or other male friend, I would not allow her to tell me I can't go to the police because she doesn't want me to make waves. This is not physical assault but it absolutely is psychological assault. Your daughter was attacked by people she thought were her friends, in a deliberately cruel and wounding way, in a team context. She doesn't have good judgment right now about the most appropriate response -- how could she? She's a teen with a forming brain, not a fully mature adult.

By deferring to her silence, you're sending a message that you won't step in as a parent and the person who loves her best in the world to help make sure that this assault is brought into the open and that it doesn't happen to her again.

If she is silent now, I am 100% sure that -- no matter how she laughs it off or otherwise puts a brave face on it in front of the team -- that she will be a target of these bitchy, cruel girls again, because she's not showing that she's stronger and rising above -- she's showing that she will be silent and take whatever they dish out without fighting back.

And she is reinforcing to the bystanders that it's best to go along with the bullies, that bullying won't be stopped, and that they should be silent because they might be next. They're not going to step in to nip it in the bud or help her out the next time these cruel girls come after her.

+1. I would tell my daughter I'm going to tell the coach (be up front about it) but I wouldn't let her talk me out of it.

If I were the daughter I would never tell you anything again. Ever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. I've had a heart-to-heart with my DD. Here's what we've decided (at least so far):

1. She has decided to stay on the team.

2. I've agreed not to take any affirmative steps to tell school or coach.

3. She understands that if someone asks me, in the normal course of conversation, where we were that I will not lie, that I will say matter-of-factly what happened.

4. She will try to maintain a new vigilance about who to trust and will stick up for anyone else in the locker room who may be targeted in the future.

5. I have offered (and she is thinking over) to get her some extra coaching to help move to Varsity so she will have a little respite from these girls (not in the locker room but at least at outside events).

I'll check back on Monday to let anyone interested know what happened when I ran into parents this weekend (if I do and I think I will).

-OP

These are good ideas. She should also pretend she is over it, and make friends with the nicer girls in the group.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. I've had a heart-to-heart with my DD. Here's what we've decided (at least so far):

1. She has decided to stay on the team.

2. I've agreed not to take any affirmative steps to tell school or coach.

3. She understands that if someone asks me, in the normal course of conversation, where we were that I will not lie, that I will say matter-of-factly what happened.

4. She will try to maintain a new vigilance about who to trust and will stick up for anyone else in the locker room who may be targeted in the future.

5. I have offered (and she is thinking over) to get her some extra coaching to help move to Varsity so she will have a little respite from these girls (not in the locker room but at least at outside events).

I'll check back on Monday to let anyone interested know what happened when I ran into parents this weekend (if I do and I think I will).

-OP

These are good ideas. She should also pretend she is over it, and make friends with the nicer girls in the group.

Pretend it didn't happen? How about people being accountable for being a$$holes? The only way a bully learns to stop is when someone stands up to them. You do this the first time they try to pull anything on you and you will see them back down really quick.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is one of those moments when parents have more perspective than kids. OP needs to tell the coach (and likely the principal). I would not defer to a teenager's request to keep quiet.

OP, your daughter needs to be protected by the adults in her life. Stand up for her.

I agree with this.

Ask your daughter to look into the future and pretend she's a coach or mentor talking to a younger girl. Would she be proud to say to that child "Oh, your teammates bullied you? Don't tell on them. The most important thing is that the bullies never get caught. You must protect the bullies."

Or would she feel better advising a younger athlete "that's total BS and as as an adult, I will help you to make sure it never happens again."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. I've had a heart-to-heart with my DD. Here's what we've decided (at least so far):

1. She has decided to stay on the team.

2. I've agreed not to take any affirmative steps to tell school or coach.

3. She understands that if someone asks me, in the normal course of conversation, where we were that I will not lie, that I will say matter-of-factly what happened.

4. She will try to maintain a new vigilance about who to trust and will stick up for anyone else in the locker room who may be targeted in the future.

5. I have offered (and she is thinking over) to get her some extra coaching to help move to Varsity so she will have a little respite from these girls (not in the locker room but at least at outside events).

I'll check back on Monday to let anyone interested know what happened when I ran into parents this weekend (if I do and I think I will).

-OP

These are good ideas. She should also pretend she is over it, and make friends with the nicer girls in the group.

Pretend it didn't happen? How about people being accountable for being a$$holes? The only way a bully learns to stop is when someone stands up to them. You do this the first time they try to pull anything on you and you will see them back down really quick.

By not giving them a reaction or any more attention, that is standing up to them. Crying to the principal or getting a lawyer involved (which is the most ridiculous idea advanced here LOLOLOL), you show weakness and hurt and look like easy prey.