Is wife being unreasonable?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here- Man you guys are fast. And again, I appreciate the feedback.

I know that I am biased, but my wife is absolutely unreasonable in her deep dislike for my parents. The background on that is nothing special or salacious. My dad has been great and friendly with her, and until not too long ago they had a pretty solid relationship. The issues began between her and my mother. My wife feels my mom has never been kind or friendly or welcoming to her. She just isn’t a very outgoing and friendly person. I think of it more as a personality clash. So my wife has never been fond of my mother (and perhaps my mother has never been fond of wife either?) The real problems began when my wife was pregnant with our first and my mom made some critical comments about what my wife.(what she was eating, being lazy, etc) The biggest offender was a comment about how wife drank alcohol before finding out she was pregnant and that she might have caused some serious deformities or cognitive problems for our baby.. Long story short my mother refused to apologize, denied saying anything offensive and it has snowballed from there. My wife says my mom makes passive aggressive comments to her every time she sees her, and now my dad has started getting involved. The last time we saw them my dad raised his voice at my wife and called her cruel and insensitive. There have been a number of other very small things crop up but they aren’t worth mentioning for the purposes of this thread. All of this to me, is just my wife being way over sensitive and because she has never liked my mother, she won’t cut her any slack or give her a break. My parents are good people who love their grandchildren. They are not abusive or dangerous.

I guess I should also add that part of why this situation has become what it is (according to my wife) is because I initially defended my mom over her when the original criticisms were made and continually supported and advocated for my mom and parents throughout her first pregnancy and after. I would argue that I was advocating for myself and my own perspective. Wife and I probably need some marriage counseling to fully move past this.

OMG.

Holy F. Seriously, OP, your job was to protect your wife. How is she to know that you won't take your mom's side when your awful mother turns on one of your kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here- Man you guys are fast. And again, I appreciate the feedback.

I know that I am biased, but my wife is absolutely unreasonable in her deep dislike for my parents. The background on that is nothing special or salacious. My dad has been great and friendly with her, and until not too long ago they had a pretty solid relationship. The issues began between her and my mother. My wife feels my mom has never been kind or friendly or welcoming to her. She just isn’t a very outgoing and friendly person. I think of it more as a personality clash. So my wife has never been fond of my mother (and perhaps my mother has never been fond of wife either?) The real problems began when my wife was pregnant with our first and my mom made some critical comments about what my wife.(what she was eating, being lazy, etc) The biggest offender was a comment about how wife drank alcohol before finding out she was pregnant and that she might have caused some serious deformities or cognitive problems for our baby.. Long story short my mother refused to apologize, denied saying anything offensive and it has snowballed from there. My wife says my mom makes passive aggressive comments to her every time she sees her, and now my dad has started getting involved. The last time we saw them my dad raised his voice at my wife and called her cruel and insensitive. There have been a number of other very small things crop up but they aren’t worth mentioning for the purposes of this thread. All of this to me, is just my wife being way over sensitive and because she has never liked my mother, she won’t cut her any slack or give her a break. My parents are good people who love their grandchildren. They are not abusive or dangerous.

I guess I should also add that part of why this situation has become what it is (according to my wife) is because I initially defended my mom over her when the original criticisms were made and continually supported and advocated for my mom and parents throughout her first pregnancy and after. I would argue that I was advocating for myself and my own perspective. Wife and I probably need some marriage counseling to fully move past this.

WHAAAT. OP, on behalf of women everywhere, f*ck you. I can't believe your wife is still with you. Your mom is an asshole, and the fact that rather than standing up for your wife and telling your mom off when she made those INCREDIBLY rude and inappropriate comments you sided with your mom(!) and "continued to support and advocate for your mom throughout your wife's first pregnancy and after"....WHAT. Your mom was not the one who needed your advocacy and support during the pregnancy...that would be your WIFE, the one who was actually going through the pregnancy. Seriously I am in actual disbelief. What in the actual hell is wrong with you?

And ftr, you started this off saying it was just some small issues. Laughable. You could not be farther from wrong. Seriously I am having a hard time believing this is real.

[Anonymous]

OP i cant believe your wife is still with you. You are an actual asshole.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op again-

Just to clarify. I never said what my mom said was okay or not offensive. It wasn’t okay and it was rude. I told my wife that. I do not think my mother meant them to be offensive. She doesn’t just walk around being rude and awful to people. I think she spoke carelessly and without thinking and it’s time for my wife to let it go. My wife is the type to be offended when my parents give me a large sum of money for Christmas and give her a small amount on a target gift card.

The fact that your mother gave YOU money for Christmas and gave HER a much smaller amount on a gift card for Christmas, and the fact that you seem to think this is all totally normal, is very telling.

You're married and you have kids together. Good grief.

A normal married couple, if they receive money from their parents, get it as a combined gift. Not "here's a big cash gift for YOU, my darling, oh and here's a little token gift card for you".

Your wife is right. There's something really wrong with your parents. And all of DCUM can see that the apple didn't fall far from the tree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here- Man you guys are fast. And again, I appreciate the feedback.

I know that I am biased, but my wife is absolutely unreasonable in her deep dislike for my parents. The background on that is nothing special or salacious. My dad has been great and friendly with her, and until not too long ago they had a pretty solid relationship. The issues began between her and my mother. My wife feels my mom has never been kind or friendly or welcoming to her. She just isn’t a very outgoing and friendly person. I think of it more as a personality clash. So my wife has never been fond of my mother (and perhaps my mother has never been fond of wife either?) The real problems began when my wife was pregnant with our first and my mom made some critical comments about what my wife.(what she was eating, being lazy, etc) The biggest offender was a comment about how wife drank alcohol before finding out she was pregnant and that she might have caused some serious deformities or cognitive problems for our baby.. Long story short my mother refused to apologize, denied saying anything offensive and it has snowballed from there. My wife says my mom makes passive aggressive comments to her every time she sees her, and now my dad has started getting involved. The last time we saw them my dad raised his voice at my wife and called her cruel and insensitive. There have been a number of other very small things crop up but they aren’t worth mentioning for the purposes of this thread. All of this to me, is just my wife being way over sensitive and because she has never liked my mother, she won’t cut her any slack or give her a break. My parents are good people who love their grandchildren. They are not abusive or dangerous.

I guess I should also add that part of why this situation has become what it is (according to my wife) is because I initially defended my mom over her when the original criticisms were made and continually supported and advocated for my mom and parents throughout her first pregnancy and after. I would argue that I was advocating for myself and my own perspective. Wife and I probably need some marriage counseling to fully move past this.

You effed up pretty badly here. It sounds like your mom was pretty thoughtless, then you didn’t back your wife. Which naturally made your wife feel worse, not better. You need to apologize.

Regardless of all the ill will, it makes no sense for your wife to go to this wedding.

But *given* the ill will—that means it is *even more* a bad idea for her to go. It will make the long term relationship *worse*, do you understand that? Going on the trip will make your bigger problem worse because of the strain it would put on your wife. for the sake of the relationship, go solo.

And do everything you can to make your wife feel safe and supported — and before your parents come to meet the baby, have a little talk with your mom and tell her to back off for everyone’s sake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op again-

Just to clarify. I never said what my mom said was okay or not offensive. It wasn’t okay and it was rude. I told my wife that. I do not think my mother meant them to be offensive. She doesn’t just walk around being rude and awful to people. I think she spoke carelessly and without thinking and it’s time for my wife to let it go. My wife is the type to be offended when my parents give me a large sum of money for Christmas and give her a small amount on a target gift card.

OP. Listen.

Your first obligation is to your children and your wife. Everyone else in your life is a distant second.

It is not in your newborn's best interest to go on an airplane at 6 weeks old. In fact, it is high-risk.

It is not in your healing wife's best interest to go on an airplane at 6 weeks postpartum, while trying to establish breastfeeding and a sleep routine.

It is not in your toddler's best interest to go on an airplane during flu season. Not as risky as it is for the newborn, but certainly not in his best interest.

Everything else is secondary, tertiary, or beyond. What you want is secondary to what your children and postpartum wife need. What your parents desire is not part of the equation. What your wife's relationship with your parents is like is not relevant.

What part of this do you not understand?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op again-

Just to clarify. I never said what my mom said was okay or not offensive. It wasn’t okay and it was rude. I told my wife that. I do not think my mother meant them to be offensive. She doesn’t just walk around being rude and awful to people. I think she spoke carelessly and without thinking and it’s time for my wife to let it go. My wife is the type to be offended when my parents give me a large sum of money for Christmas and give her a small amount on a target gift card.

The fact that your mother gave YOU money for Christmas and gave HER a much smaller amount on a gift card for Christmas, and the fact that you seem to think this is all totally normal, is very telling.

You're married and you have kids together. Good grief.

A normal married couple, if they receive money from their parents, get it as a combined gift. Not "here's a big cash gift for YOU, my darling, oh and here's a little token gift card for you".

Your wife is right. There's something really wrong with your parents. And all of DCUM can see that the apple didn't fall far from the tree.

+100000

OP your parents' behavior is abhorrable, but the fact that you did not step up and defend your wife (and in fact did the exact opposite...? I am honestly shaking my head in disbelief) is INEXCUSABLE. Full stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op again-

Just to clarify. I never said what my mom said was okay or not offensive. It wasn’t okay and it was rude. I told my wife that. I do not think my mother meant them to be offensive. She doesn’t just walk around being rude and awful to people. I think she spoke carelessly and without thinking and it’s time for my wife to let it go. My wife is the type to be offended when my parents give me a large sum of money for Christmas and give her a small amount on a target gift card.

Literally EVERY SANE PERSON is the "type" to be offended by that. I cannot honk of a single person I know who would not find that INSANELY offensive.

Re: your wife "letting it go", has your mother apologized sincerely. Have you spoken to your mother about how wrong she was to make those comments, and told her she needs to apologize to your wife? It is 100% on your mom, who was the completely jerk in this situation (well, her and you) to put in the work to attempt to mend this relationship. I would not spend any time with your parents either...

You are a sickening amount of manboy who can't stand up to his parents. It is SHOCKING that your wife is still with you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok, OP here-

I will clear up some things. The wedding date was already set by the time we announced the pregnancy. My wife is the primary caregiver but I definitely contribute and coparent when I’m home in the evenings and on the weekends. I may not know exactly as much as she does with regard to parenting our son, but I’d imagine it’s pretty close. Other than ceremony and pictures, I will be free to support my wife in any way that she requires.

The issue with taking our toddler by myself- she doesn’t want me to! When I say she doesn’t like my parents, I mean it. I am not “allowed” to take my children around my parents without her present. She doesn’t trust them/they have had a tense and hostile relationship in the past. My wife plans to have her mother travel to our home and stay with her while I’m away for the weekend, so her mother can look after the toddler.

Look guys, I appreciate the feedback. I can see that most of you feel like I should be more sympathetic and supportive to my wife’s needs/wishes. If she has something unexpected happen to her or the baby during childbirth or after, of course I wouldn’t expect her to attend. I’m speaking strictly in the sense of assuming everything goes as expected, I think she should be willing to do this for me. And for my brother/his fiancé, with whom she has a great relationship. When we first discussed attending, she mentioned perhaps having her mother watch our toddler the whole weekend and she attends with just the newborn. I can live with this as well, but now she is no longer interested in that solution. (Her mother lives same city as my parents and is a one hour drive from the wedding location. So if her mother watched our toddler during wedding weekend, my parents could still visit with him in the days following the wedding.)

The wedding is the weekend before Christmas. So if we travel back for the wedding, we will stay through Christmas and visit all of my extended family who will be in town for the wedding, and especially my parents. I believe this is a situation she is trying to avoid.

Of course you would imagine that. You have zero idea and you’re totally delusional.

And now as an afterthought, a wedding changed into a week+ long trip staying somewhere with people she doesn’t like over Christmas with her newborn and her toddler.

Speechless.

NP here. I am a SAHM and my DH was totally capable with both of our kids, instantly. Other than not having boobs, he could do anything I could do.

NP. I didn't read that as men in general so much as this man. Someone so oblivious to how hard it is to birth and care for a newborn, much less a newborn and a toddler, doesn't inspire confidence that he knows as much as he thinks about parenting.

[Anonymous]

The title to this post is just ironic now, given all the information that has come out. If your wife had come on here during her pregnancy and posted about your behavior, many of us would have advised her to leave you

[Anonymous]

Congrats, OP, you've unified DCUM. Do you know how rare that is?

[Anonymous]

Wow. Okay this will probably be my final post. I cannot give every single detail about everything that has happened. The very strong reactions indicate I have not accurately portrayed the situation. The few people I have discussed this situation with IRL can see the merit to my point of view so I will just leave it at that. I am not going to pressure my wife to attend the wedding. She can stay home wth the kids. You guys have helped me to realize that it would be a tremendous amount of work having Munoz toddler there. He is extremely active and always wants to be running around on his feet. I can only imagine how much more adventurous he will become in another 7 months.

I love my wife and I want to support her. I work hard so that she can stay home and raise our children. I have worries that if I just give in and agree with her about my parents being jerks, then she will demand we cut them off, at least from our children. That is not an acceptable option for me so I find myself reluctant to agree with her.

[Anonymous]

OP, if your in-laws are as helpful as you think, then this is what needs to happen. Your 6 week old will need a place to sleep. Will that be a crib, a swing, a bassinette? You just don't know yet. Whatever your baby's preferred sleeping arrangement will need to be provided. Your wife will need a place to pump, as well as a way to clean pump parts. She will also need bottles and a place to wash them along with formula and proper storage of said formula. She will need diapers wipes, extra clothes and laundry facilities. She will need a rocking chair, ideally a glider with a foot rest. She will need something to make her feel like a person, when my kids were that little I found audio books and old time radio shows to be wonderfully soothing. I could hold my babies and keep my mind occupied, and it didn't require another person, all I had to do was set up the book or the show on my phone. Sometimes I even learned something I could talk about with my husband. Your wife may prefer Netflix, point being, she'll need that entertainment while you're off doing best man stuff. Your wife will need access to food and fluids she enjoys, and she will need them in such a manner that she can access them without taking the baby downstairs to the hotel dining room or across the street to the coffee shop. Who will look after your toddler? Are there things he can do that are safe and appropriate? Will he be with appropriate people (not too drunk, not too tired, and who enjoy his company) to keep him occupied? Will your mother-in-law or some other family member be willing to accompany your wife back to the hotel when the baby and/or toddler get tired? This will make your wife feel that she isn't the only one literally missing the party. Will you be prepared to take full charge of the baby and toddler after the wedding reception? Will there be medical care and a lactation consultant should that be needed? Your in-laws have said they'll help remember? I'd send them a list of these requirements so they can get started. I write this with absolutely no snark, your wife has valid concerns. You are not out of line for wanting your family at the wedding. If it's as easy as you think, you've got a lot of runway to pull this off. Be sure too mention to your peditrician that you will be flying with an unvaccinated baby so they can be ready in case weird symptoms show up. I wouldn't advise that your wife and baby go to the wedding. If I were you, I'd take the toddler and go making sure that your wife has someone who loves her and the baby to stay with her and make sure that she and your baby get the love, comfort, and care they both deserve. If you do want everybody to go, I'd use my approach outlined.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Okay this will probably be my final post. I cannot give every single detail about everything that has happened. The very strong reactions indicate I have not accurately portrayed the situation. The few people I have discussed this situation with IRL can see the merit to my point of view so I will just leave it at that. I am not going to pressure my wife to attend the wedding. She can stay home wth the kids. You guys have helped me to realize that it would be a tremendous amount of work having Munoz toddler there. He is extremely active and always wants to be running around on his feet. I can only imagine how much more adventurous he will become in another 7 months.

I love my wife and I want to support her. I work hard so that she can stay home and raise our children. I have worries that if I just give in and agree with her about my parents being jerks, then she will demand we cut them off, at least from our children. That is not an acceptable option for me so I find myself reluctant to agree with her.

If you asked me IRL I would say I see your point but I'd still say you shouldn't fly with a 6w newborn.

Instead of creating an adversarial relationship with your wife, where you ahve to entrench or she might cut off your family, you need to take a collaborative approach. "I know my mom hurt your feelings, and you didn't over-react to her hurtful words, but it's so important to me to have a happy relationship with them, and that they have a relationship with my children. Let's work together to make sure we maintain a relationship with them that you can live with."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Okay this will probably be my final post. I cannot give every single detail about everything that has happened. The very strong reactions indicate I have not accurately portrayed the situation. The few people I have discussed this situation with IRL can see the merit to my point of view so I will just leave it at that. I am not going to pressure my wife to attend the wedding. She can stay home wth the kids. You guys have helped me to realize that it would be a tremendous amount of work having Munoz toddler there. He is extremely active and always wants to be running around on his feet. I can only imagine how much more adventurous he will become in another 7 months.

I love my wife and I want to support her. I work hard so that she can stay home and raise our children. I have worries that if I just give in and agree with her about my parents being jerks, then she will demand we cut them off, at least from our children. That is not an acceptable option for me so I find myself reluctant to agree with her.

Here’s a concept. Why don’t you grow a spine and refuse to let your parents be jerks to your wife. You’ve basically admitted that you are pretending to be delusional so you don’t feel pressured into doing what you know is right. Meanwhile, your wife is the one who needs to be abused by people she can’t stand. All because you “work hard so she can stay home”. Disgusting.