Is wife being unreasonable?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:god i hope this is a troll!

your mom criticized your wife during pregnancy, calling her lazy, and you defended your mother? wtf???

i feel so sorry for your wife.

go and take the toddler with you.

+1. You messed up baaaaaad. And don't call it advocating for yourself when you sided with your mom against your wife. That's abhorrent, and just plain stupid.

[Anonymous]

Your mom is an asshole HTH

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It looks like your wife doesn't like your brother or even your parents.

I get that she's already tired and will be even more tired when the baby's here but I think she's being unreasonable.

Can't you get help there? Like a sitter ? Or someone that would accompany you to the wedding, a sitter or friend, that can help out and stay at the hotel or family home while you enjoy the wedding ?

This. If she would do it for her side of the family then she needs to do it for your side of the family. It is part of being a family.

You're taking his assumption that she would "do it" for her family. But unless she traveled 6 weeks after having her first kid to spend the entire holidays at an event she wasn't interested in while wrangling a toddler for her family, you have no way of knowing it's true. Certainly just sounds like whining on OP's part.

But OP says she would go if it were her sibling. It is the last line of the first paragraph. And it is what you do for family. Sometimes you have to make an effort and it sounds like that is what OP is hoping his wife will do - make an effort. At 6 weeks post-birth there is no reason for her to not go.

[Anonymous]

I can't believe she's giving you a second child TBH

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:On top of everything else, December is the beginning of cold and flu season. There is no way I would fly with my 6 week unvaccinated baby at any time if I could avoid it... but especially then. What do you do when the person sitting across from you on the flight is coughing and hacking everywhere? It will happen; it's December. Also that time of year is notorious for delays (tons of pre-Christmas travelers and terrible weather)... think of how miserable it could be if things did go wrong with the travel logistics.

I do think your wife is being unreasonable about you bringing your 2 year old to the wedding if she's really said that you can't. (I will flag here that you are very opaque about why your wife is so uncomfortable w/ your child around your parents. If there is abuse involved in any way (including substance abuse), even past abuse, then I feel differently.) So, if you actually want to bring him/her yourself (which, I admit, I'm skeptical of), then that is the case you should make. It will probably help if you start from a position of "Of course you shouldn't come if you don't want to. I get it. You don't know how you will feel. The baby will be very young. I plan to help out at the wedding as much as I possibly can, but of course -- as best man -- that might be easier said than done. However, our 2 year old..."

Now, the above said, obviously you cannot have your 2 year old stay out with your extended family and miss Christmas at home with his mom and new sibling. That would be absurd. So you need to make it clear that it'll be a quick trip for the wedding only.

There is just no way in hell I would do this with a newborn, no matter the occasion. No way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It looks like your wife doesn't like your brother or even your parents.

I get that she's already tired and will be even more tired when the baby's here but I think she's being unreasonable.

Can't you get help there? Like a sitter ? Or someone that would accompany you to the wedding, a sitter or friend, that can help out and stay at the hotel or family home while you enjoy the wedding ?

This. If she would do it for her side of the family then she needs to do it for your side of the family. It is part of being a family.

You're taking his assumption that she would "do it" for her family. But unless she traveled 6 weeks after having her first kid to spend the entire holidays at an event she wasn't interested in while wrangling a toddler for her family, you have no way of knowing it's true. Certainly just sounds like whining on OP's part.

But OP says she would go if it were her sibling. It is the last line of the first paragraph. And it is what you do for family. Sometimes you have to make an effort and it sounds like that is what OP is hoping his wife will do - make an effort. At 6 weeks post-birth there is no reason for her to not go.

But his big plan is to crash with family and not hire help. He sounds kinda poor actually.

[Anonymous]

Op again-

Just to clarify. I never said what my mom said was okay or not offensive. It wasn’t okay and it was rude. I told my wife that. I do not think my mother meant them to be offensive. She doesn’t just walk around being rude and awful to people. I think she spoke carelessly and without thinking and it’s time for my wife to let it go. My wife is the type to be offended when my parents give me a large sum of money for Christmas and give her a small amount on a target gift card.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Thanks for the update, OP.
You're still wrong.

And I don't like the tone of: "I think she should be willing to do this for me. "
That's not how I think of my relationship with my husband. He doesn't do things for me. He does things for our nuclear family (four people). This is what I do as well. And CLEARLY, this is not in the best interest of the smallest member of your family.

Stop being so relentlessly selfish. It's not "me, me, me" anymore. You're a family man now.

OP, it is not all about you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok, OP here-

I will clear up some things. The wedding date was already set by the time we announced the pregnancy. My wife is the primary caregiver but I definitely contribute and coparent when I’m home in the evenings and on the weekends. I may not know exactly as much as she does with regard to parenting our son, but I’d imagine it’s pretty close. Other than ceremony and pictures, I will be free to support my wife in any way that she requires.

The issue with taking our toddler by myself- she doesn’t want me to! When I say she doesn’t like my parents, I mean it. I am not “allowed” to take my children around my parents without her present. She doesn’t trust them/they have had a tense and hostile relationship in the past. My wife plans to have her mother travel to our home and stay with her while I’m away for the weekend, so her mother can look after the toddler.

Look guys, I appreciate the feedback. I can see that most of you feel like I should be more sympathetic and supportive to my wife’s needs/wishes. If she has something unexpected happen to her or the baby during childbirth or after, of course I wouldn’t expect her to attend. I’m speaking strictly in the sense of assuming everything goes as expected, I think she should be willing to do this for me. And for my brother/his fiancé, with whom she has a great relationship. When we first discussed attending, she mentioned perhaps having her mother watch our toddler the whole weekend and she attends with just the newborn. I can live with this as well, but now she is no longer interested in that solution. (Her mother lives same city as my parents and is a one hour drive from the wedding location. So if her mother watched our toddler during wedding weekend, my parents could still visit with him in the days following the wedding.)

The wedding is the weekend before Christmas. So if we travel back for the wedding, we will stay through Christmas and visit all of my extended family who will be in town for the wedding, and especially my parents. I believe this is a situation she is trying to avoid.

Of course you would imagine that. You have zero idea and you’re totally delusional.

And now as an afterthought, a wedding changed into a week+ long trip staying somewhere with people she doesn’t like over Christmas with her newborn and her toddler.

Speechless.

NP here. I am a SAHM and my DH was totally capable with both of our kids, instantly. Other than not having boobs, he could do anything I could do.

But would your DH think this was a good idea? This is not about "can a man ___?"

[Anonymous]

Look, I was curious what others would think about this situation and it appears I’ve gotten my answer. I still think my wife should be willing to travel to see BOTH of our families with our children, health permitting. It would appear that is not the popular vote so okay, it’s been noted. Thank you for your time and consideration on this matter. If my wife refuses to budge and ultimately does not want to attend, I will accept her decision and have my MIL fly out here to help her with the kids while I attend solo. I know that everyone will be very disappointed to miss out on seeing my kids and my wife unfortunately, but we can always book a trip for a later time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This has to be a troll post. I could barely get to the grocery store with a toddler and a 6 week old.

I could barely get to school pickup/drop off and there was a kiss and ride line! This OP is nuts

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op again-

Just to clarify. I never said what my mom said was okay or not offensive. It wasn’t okay and it was rude. I told my wife that. I do not think my mother meant them to be offensive. She doesn’t just walk around being rude and awful to people. I think she spoke carelessly and without thinking and it’s time for my wife to let it go. My wife is the type to be offended when my parents give me a large sum of money for Christmas and give her a small amount on a target gift card.

Go away.

You suck.

Stop digging hole for yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here- Man you guys are fast. And again, I appreciate the feedback.

I know that I am biased, but my wife is absolutely unreasonable in her deep dislike for my parents. The background on that is nothing special or salacious. My dad has been great and friendly with her, and until not too long ago they had a pretty solid relationship. The issues began between her and my mother. My wife feels my mom has never been kind or friendly or welcoming to her. She just isn’t a very outgoing and friendly person. I think of it more as a personality clash. So my wife has never been fond of my mother (and perhaps my mother has never been fond of wife either?) The real problems began when my wife was pregnant with our first and my mom made some critical comments about what my wife.(what she was eating, being lazy, etc) The biggest offender was a comment about how wife drank alcohol before finding out she was pregnant and that she might have caused some serious deformities or cognitive problems for our baby.. Long story short my mother refused to apologize, denied saying anything offensive and it has snowballed from there. My wife says my mom makes passive aggressive comments to her every time she sees her, and now my dad has started getting involved. The last time we saw them my dad raised his voice at my wife and called her cruel and insensitive. There have been a number of other very small things crop up but they aren’t worth mentioning for the purposes of this thread. All of this to me, is just my wife being way over sensitive and because she has never liked my mother, she won’t cut her any slack or give her a break. My parents are good people who love their grandchildren. They are not abusive or dangerous.

I guess I should also add that part of why this situation has become what it is (according to my wife) is because I initially defended my mom over her when the original criticisms were made and continually supported and advocated for my mom and parents throughout her first pregnancy and after. I would argue that I was advocating for myself and my own perspective. Wife and I probably need some marriage counseling to fully move past this.

OMG.

I had the same reaction. Oh God. The poor wife. My heart breaks for her.

Op, your mother’s treatment of your wife does sound borderline abusive to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here- Man you guys are fast. And again, I appreciate the feedback.

I know that I am biased, but my wife is absolutely unreasonable in her deep dislike for my parents. The background on that is nothing special or salacious. My dad has been great and friendly with her, and until not too long ago they had a pretty solid relationship. The issues began between her and my mother. My wife feels my mom has never been kind or friendly or welcoming to her. She just isn’t a very outgoing and friendly person. I think of it more as a personality clash. So my wife has never been fond of my mother (and perhaps my mother has never been fond of wife either?) The real problems began when my wife was pregnant with our first and my mom made some critical comments about what my wife.(what she was eating, being lazy, etc) The biggest offender was a comment about how wife drank alcohol before finding out she was pregnant and that she might have caused some serious deformities or cognitive problems for our baby.. Long story short my mother refused to apologize, denied saying anything offensive and it has snowballed from there. My wife says my mom makes passive aggressive comments to her every time she sees her, and now my dad has started getting involved. The last time we saw them my dad raised his voice at my wife and called her cruel and insensitive. There have been a number of other very small things crop up but they aren’t worth mentioning for the purposes of this thread. All of this to me, is just my wife being way over sensitive and because she has never liked my mother, she won’t cut her any slack or give her a break. My parents are good people who love their grandchildren. They are not abusive or dangerous.

I guess I should also add that part of why this situation has become what it is (according to my wife) is because I initially defended my mom over her when the original criticisms were made and continually supported and advocated for my mom and parents throughout her first pregnancy and after. I would argue that I was advocating for myself and my own perspective. Wife and I probably need some marriage counseling to fully move past this.

This can’t be real.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op again-

I would also like to add, if my wife ultimately does not make the trip, I will not be staying through Christmas. We would only stay longer through Christmas if our nuclear family traveled together. And it’s not as much of a burden as you guys are imagining. My wife has her parents and siblings/friends of her own in this city so we would be splitting the time between her people and my people. And we would even be sleeping at her brother’s house, not my parents.

All with a newborn and a not-quite-2yo, at 6 weeks postpartum.

Yep, that sounds like a day at the beach.

FFS, OP, are you truly this obtuse?