<vent> Why does DH always think we'll have sex when he comes back from business trips?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:haha I feel the same way OP.

When he gets back, it's mama's turn to relax!

You don't like sex?

PP here. No I don't like sex when I'm exhausted and on edge (which is what it's like for me to be alone with 4 kids for several days and nights and he knows that). I need to be in the mood for sex., which means relaxed. Why should I put out if I am too tired?

Because if both partners required perfect rest and mood, there would be no sex ever. Marriage requires give and take. With you it seems to be he does all the giving and you do all the taking. Narcissism is never an attractive trait. Try thinking about more than yourself. With women, arousal is much more mental. Your attitude does not lend itself to be open to sex very often. In many cases, this will lead to stress in other areas of your marriage.

Why is it always that "marriage requires give and take" is used in the context of she needs to do what he wants?

How about "marriage requires give and take" aka go jerk off in the bathroom and leave your poor wife alone?

How about sex requires 2 people. Not one getting off. Save it for the next day or weekend. Not a big deal.

How about if one person doesn't want sex, then you don't get to have sex. Jerk off instead if you not a release

Other than that, quit yer yappin.

[Anonymous]

Geez. Reading this post is like democrats and republicans - neither one is completely right, neither can claim a moral highground, both will bend the scenarios to match their arguments and both would rather see the country go down in flames before compromising their platform.

Thanks Obama!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:My DW would echo OP's sentiments. Perhaps she is OP.

What is super frustrating for me is how often I turn down other women who proposition me during business travel. Yes, it really happens, a lot. Then, I come home to someone who can't fathom sex with me.

Marriage is wonderful for lots of things, sex is not among them.

So what, I get hit on all the time. I don't think it means much except there are lots of awful people in the world, since I am obviously married.

She can't have 1 day to get some rest, you need to hump her at the door.

All of a sudden it means she can't "fathom sex with me".. me thinks your tampon is leaking.

Aren't you a treat. I feel sorry for the poor bastard that got saddled with you. No one mentioned humping at the door. The fact that he misses his wife and desires her when he returns should make the wife feel good. There are many women on this very board that are longing for that reaction from their H. She acts as if the business trip is a vacation. If you've ever been onna business trip, it can wear your ass out. I always look forward to my own bed when I get home

OP's DH will get frustrated or bored from OP's lack of interest/rejection. Initially, it will result in anger and arguments. There will be resentment. Finally, he will have a bad trip, walk innthe door and just think screw it, I'm too tired. Then he will lose interest in OP and find his pep in his step in leaving. 3 years from now, OP will be starting a thread about how she thinks he's cheating on her or about him filing for divorce and her being blindsided. The harpies will all have her back again. In the deepest recesses of her mind, she will remember this thread and remember this prediction and know that Yes! She could have fixed this.

1. She should feel good for being a good parent, not because she is desired. That's a dime a dozen, we are always desired.

2. Yes. It wears my ass out, drinking a lot does that, and plane rides oh the many 1st world problem I must deal with when I travel. The truth is he was getting all horned up at the bar with other women and needs a release.

3. "lack of interest" ... how does I need a nap = lack of interest. The lack of balls on this board is astounding. Grow up .... take care of your kids for a few hours and be a partner.

4. or she is starting a thread that says, my H does not appreciate me and I am banging the neighbor... after she takes a nap. Women cheat more between 28-35, she is in her prime.

5. He could fix this with a simple nap... not counseling, not jewelry, not an expensive house.... a nap... a f'ing nap! ... and actually caring for his own children.

+10000 to all

If he's not doing his portion regarding the household chores or kid time he can't expect much in the bedroom department.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:haha I feel the same way OP.

When he gets back, it's mama's turn to relax!

You don't like sex?

PP here. No I don't like sex when I'm exhausted and on edge (which is what it's like for me to be alone with 4 kids for several days and nights and he knows that). I need to be in the mood for sex., which means relaxed. Why should I put out if I am too tired?

Because if both partners required perfect rest and mood, there would be no sex ever. Marriage requires give and take. With you it seems to be he does all the giving and you do all the taking. Narcissism is never an attractive trait. Try thinking about more than yourself. With women, arousal is much more mental. Your attitude does not lend itself to be open to sex very often. In many cases, this will lead to stress in other areas of your marriage.

Why is it always that "marriage requires give and take" is used in the context of she needs to do what he wants?

How about "marriage requires give and take" aka go jerk off in the bathroom and leave your poor wife alone?

How about sex requires 2 people. Not one getting off. Save it for the next day or weekend. Not a big deal.

How about if one person doesn't want sex, then you don't get to have sex. Jerk off instead if you not a release

Other than that, quit yer yappin.

I agree. OP's husband has 2 hands. Sounds fair...

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:

Good advice. And good balance. It really shouldn't be only about the sex the guy needs/wants to reconnect; for many women the emotional reconnection is what is important. In good marriages, both are a priority.

We have talked about this and my DW says that too. I regularly try to strengthen that emotional connection between us. But that's not the whole story. I'm in shape, eat healthy (with her so are in this new health kick together), I indeed do half of the house work (all the dishes, 1/2 of the laundry, grocery shopping - and we both add things to the list), deal with the finances (taxes, investments, savings) while she does more of the shuttling around of the kids. I also earn 6x as much as she does - my salary, however, does come at a price (my work hours and demands are simply more). She says she has a strong desire for me, a high drive. I take her on a date every week - I choose the place and make the reservations. I engage with our 3 kids every night (they are all pre-teen/teens), do homework/projects if they need help, help them prepare for tests (I'm the one they come to for all academic school related help). I communicate with her every day - little texts saying "I love you" or just a simple "thank you" if she did something that helped me out.

I can assure you I'm not the only man in this situation, so what gives? This is what many of us struggle to understand. We seem to be doing all the right things, but there's nothing that we get back to meet our needs. So the alternative is what, to act like a jerk because jerks and assholes get laid?

Another man in your shoes, exactly. I think I am older than you, my kids are no longer young, and the sexual part of our marriage has always been lukewarm since the kids came. Sometimes, its decent 1x a week, sometimes its mercy sex 2x a month.

Here's what gives: women have sex because they have sex hormones. Those women that hit on you and I when we are out? Sex hormones. Your wife doesn't have much of them, neither does mine. When she has glimpses of them, we have sex. When she doesn't have them, she might agree to have sex because it's been a while and she feels guilty.

I have acted the jerk, acted the nice guy, been in amazing shape, gained a few pounds, been around the house a lot and worked late for weeks. There is zero correlation between how I act, look, behave, and her desire to have sex. It's hormones.

As a woman believe me there's a lot of correlation. I will guarantee it's not hormones. She's either not attracted to you anymore, or never was. She was never crazy about sex to begin with, and/or she's held grudges for past things that's happened. Doubtful she'll ever tell you, but the hormone thing pads the real reason. I know women that stayed with a spouse that cheated because they had to but secretly loathed them.

So what do you expect men to do whose wives have lost attraction? Assuming the man hasn't become out of shape or anything different?

Get a divorce. Seriously. I don't understand this fascination with condemning yourself to a life of misery. There is nothing wrong with being high-drive or low-drive. Just find someone compatible. I just don't see why people constantly try to fit a round peg into a square hole, and then amazingly, don't understand why they are miserable! There is no right or wrong. Just different. But it's still pretty simple: low-drive, find a low-drive partner. High drive? Find a high drive partner. Since sex seems to be such an integral part of a relationship, it seems pretty silly to be in a sexually non-compatible relationship. If you wanted 3 kids, would date someone that didn't want kids at all?? Come on people. Common sense here. And for those of you who think - oh, well, how was I supposed to know? Don't get MARRIED UNTIL YOU KNOW! Know who you are marrying!

This is accurate for some but there are plenty of folks that are one way while dating where it seems they are sexually compatible, then there is a change after marriage, sometimes significant, sometimes slight. There is also almost always a change after children. Both partners feel the change but it's not always the case that both partners miss it the same way. Often a managable problem blows up because both partners become resentful and become more entrenched in their ways instead of working to solve the problem. One partner talks about how 4-5x week is now once a week. The other claims the partner is exaggerating and that their isn't a big difference. Their drives were once similar and now they are pulling in opposite directions. Recognizing this and working towards a happy compromise is soooo much healthier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:haha I feel the same way OP.

When he gets back, it's mama's turn to relax!

You don't like sex?

PP here. No I don't like sex when I'm exhausted and on edge (which is what it's like for me to be alone with 4 kids for several days and nights and he knows that). I need to be in the mood for sex., which means relaxed. Why should I put out if I am too tired?

Because if both partners required perfect rest and mood, there would be no sex ever. Marriage requires give and take. With you it seems to be he does all the giving and you do all the taking. Narcissism is never an attractive trait. Try thinking about more than yourself. With women, arousal is much more mental. Your attitude does not lend itself to be open to sex very often. In many cases, this will lead to stress in other areas of your marriage.

Why is it always that "marriage requires give and take" is used in the context of she needs to do what he wants?

How about "marriage requires give and take" aka go jerk off in the bathroom and leave your poor wife alone?

How about sex requires 2 people. Not one getting off. Save it for the next day or weekend. Not a big deal.

How about if one person doesn't want sex, then you don't get to have sex. Jerk off instead if you not a release

Other than that, quit yer yappin.

I agree. OP's husband has 2 hands. Sounds fair...

Seriously. If she was trying to prevent him from masturbating, I would understand the frustration.

But a lot of these men are trying to convince/bully women who don't want to have sex with them to have sex with them. That's really rape, is what it is.

Why would you want to have sex with someone who doesn't want to have sex with you? WHY? Normal people don't want that.

[Anonymous]

They don't want to have sex with somebody who doesn't want to. They want to have sex with somebody who does want them. Obviously. The problem is that she doesn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They don't want to have sex with somebody who doesn't want to. They want to have sex with somebody who does want them. Obviously. The problem is that she doesn't.

Right... so instead of trying to find ways to increase their wife's sexual attraction to them, or, better yet, accepting the shift in her libido, they are on here berating women and trying to scare women into boning their husbands.

Sure, that adds up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:haha I feel the same way OP.

When he gets back, it's mama's turn to relax!

You don't like sex?

PP here. No I don't like sex when I'm exhausted and on edge (which is what it's like for me to be alone with 4 kids for several days and nights and he knows that). I need to be in the mood for sex., which means relaxed. Why should I put out if I am too tired?

Because if both partners required perfect rest and mood, there would be no sex ever. Marriage requires give and take. With you it seems to be he does all the giving and you do all the taking. Narcissism is never an attractive trait. Try thinking about more than yourself. With women, arousal is much more mental. Your attitude does not lend itself to be open to sex very often. In many cases, this will lead to stress in other areas of your marriage.

Why is it always that "marriage requires give and take" is used in the context of she needs to do what he wants?

How about "marriage requires give and take" aka go jerk off in the bathroom and leave your poor wife alone?

Because that's not marriage, that's a roommate.

How is it all these women are too exhausted for sex but have time to monitor and comment on every thread in here with their man-hating theme? Maybe kill your addiction to this joint and watch your kids or take a nap.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:haha I feel the same way OP.

When he gets back, it's mama's turn to relax!

You don't like sex?

PP here. No I don't like sex when I'm exhausted and on edge (which is what it's like for me to be alone with 4 kids for several days and nights and he knows that). I need to be in the mood for sex., which means relaxed. Why should I put out if I am too tired?

Because if both partners required perfect rest and mood, there would be no sex ever. Marriage requires give and take. With you it seems to be he does all the giving and you do all the taking. Narcissism is never an attractive trait. Try thinking about more than yourself. With women, arousal is much more mental. Your attitude does not lend itself to be open to sex very often. In many cases, this will lead to stress in other areas of your marriage.

Why is it always that "marriage requires give and take" is used in the context of she needs to do what he wants?

How about "marriage requires give and take" aka go jerk off in the bathroom and leave your poor wife alone?

Because that's not marriage, that's a roommate.

How is it all these women are too exhausted for sex but have time to monitor and comment on every thread in here with their man-hating theme? Maybe kill your addiction to this joint and watch your kids or take a nap.

Actually, marriages change over time. It is not carte-blanche sexual access whenever you get a boner, or every few days, weeks, months, etc. Your wife is not a prostitute

If you wanted that, you should have bought a real doll. Get a grip.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Geez. Reading this post is like democrats and republicans - neither one is completely right, neither can claim a moral highground, both will bend the scenarios to match their arguments and both would rather see the country go down in flames before compromising their platform.

Thanks Obama!

You are a f*ing idiot

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I guess because he believes you are his loving wife who cares about him, misses him, wants to be with him, and that you too might have some tiny shred of sexual desire?

This was and still is the best answer.
Find a way to be ready for him . Can you do fewer chores - let some go?
Can you hire a babysitter some before he comes home? Something to make it work.
You currently have a good marriage - if you list to some of the dried out old prunes telling you to spurn him you won't have that anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I suspect that a number of women who are "low drive" just don't enjoy sex with their DH. Likely, chemistry was one of the compromises that they had to make in finding a mate.

If a guy is fit/muscular, well endowed and good at making her O then I bet that sex will still be the one thing that works even when the rest of the relationship is in shambles.

Can we let this myth die. Like, the myth that every woman who was cheated on was asking for it because she was cold and frigid.

Not every woman craves sex daily. Not every woman has an on/off switch and can magically switch it on when their husband gets home. I have a hot, hung, muscular husband who wants sex all the time, and it's hard for me to meet him in the middle. We are working on it, our marriage is on the line. I wish I was flooded with testosterone or whatever else you high drive women have. We used to have awesome sex prior to marriage. I didn't compromise on mate selection. I have a husband who is the envy of my friends. I just don't turn on as easily as the vixens on this board and I am supremely jealous of all of you.

How often is he frisky exactly?

[Anonymous]

DH here. When I go on a work trip, I don't cheat on my wife, but I sure do imagine it. So when I get home there is a LOT of sexual pressure to release. DW looks forward to that, as best I can tell.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Geez. Reading this post is like democrats and republicans - neither one is completely right, neither can claim a moral highground, both will bend the scenarios to match their arguments and both would rather see the country go down in flames before compromising their platform.

Thanks Obama!

You are brilliant I think that's just human nature. In group/out group sort of thing. But if everyone realized that, think how much more peaceful the world would be.....