Boy slapped my daughter's butt on the walk from school

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Right, the police aren't the answer. It was a question and everyone is freaking out about it. A simple "no" or another idea would have been appropriate. Insulting me, my daughter, my parenting and everything else isn't appropriate. You folks shouldn't cry "OVERREACTION!" while simultaneously overreacting.

If she identifies him, how can the parents be found and contacted?

Honestly Op I think you need to take a walk or a cool shower or a swim or have a glass of wine. Your reaction and anxiety over this matter is going to transfer over to your daughter. Your daughter is the one that this happened to. Your daughter is the one who needs to figure out how to stand up for herself while simultaneously keeping what happened in perspective.

A middle school boy smacked her on the butt. He laughed, his friends laughed. And that was pretty much it.

Your daughter came home and dissolved into tears and is now looking to you to punish this boy (kick him off the sports team! suspend him from school!)? Is that accurate?

Not accurate, but thanks for the alternate story. Super helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Right, the police aren't the answer. It was a question and everyone is freaking out about it. A simple "no" or another idea would have been appropriate. Insulting me, my daughter, my parenting and everything else isn't appropriate. You folks shouldn't cry "OVERREACTION!" while simultaneously overreacting.

If she identifies him, how can the parents be found and contacted?

OMG, people are judging you but what you posted?!! You must be new here...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP have your kid look through the yearbook. Done.

+1. Look through the yearbook, find his name. google the kid, find his facebook, contact his mother. Or use his name to find his parents name via the internet, contact the parents. Woman, are you a luddite or what?

Actually, Facebook never crossed my mind. That's a good suggestion. I didn't think a 12 year old would be listed on zabasearch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP have your kid look through the yearbook. Done.

+1. Look through the yearbook, find his name. google the kid, find his facebook, contact his mother. Or use his name to find his parents name via the internet, contact the parents. Woman, are you a luddite or what?

If the OP goes to all that trouble going through a yearbook of 2000 people to find the kid, she has way too much time on her hands.

[Anonymous]

Frankly come to think of it, I don't even think OP should go to the school. Zero tolerance laws are scary. I would just settle it with the boy's parents.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think your daughter should be the one talking to the guidance counselor and someone in a leadership role at school about how to respond to this kind of behavior. It's the right place to start, but I don't know how a school would respond. I know that bullying issues aren't confined to school grounds, so I am sure that they would at least hear your daughter out and talk about options with her.

One thing you need to consider is how certain is she that she can ID the boy himself from a yearbook or social media? If she doesn't know him, and the school is as big as you say, it sounds a little problematic. (Conversely if she is certain about who it is, how hard is it really to find the name and a phone number for the family?)

The other issue that you may find is that right now it's a one-off incident and effectively your daughter's word against some anonymous boy's (I assume he'd deny it.) Realistically it's going to be difficult for a school, much less the police, to enact severe punishments on such a basis.

Finally I would implore you to step back and try to get some perspective. Your daughter has every right to feel upset about what happened to her. But in life, not every wrong has a corresponding punishment.

And even if it did, I don't think you'll find most other parents agree that the appropriate punishment for one 12yo who tapped another 12yo's rear end is suspension or multiple detentions or getting kicked out of band or basketball. Part of education is socialization: just like preschoolers and kindergarteners have to learn not to pummel their tablemates to get the crayon they want, 12yos have to learn how to interact appropriately with the opposite sex.
.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think your daughter should be the one talking to the guidance counselor and someone in a leadership role at school about how to respond to this kind of behavior. It's the right place to start, but I don't know how a school would respond. I know that bullying issues aren't confined to school grounds, so I am sure that they would at least hear your daughter out and talk about options with her.

One thing you need to consider is how certain is she that she can ID the boy himself from a yearbook or social media? If she doesn't know him, and the school is as big as you say, it sounds a little problematic. (Conversely if she is certain about who it is, how hard is it really to find the name and a phone number for the family?)

The other issue that you may find is that right now it's a one-off incident and effectively your daughter's word against some anonymous boy's (I assume he'd deny it.) Realistically it's going to be difficult for a school, much less the police, to enact severe punishments on such a basis.

Finally I would implore you to step back and try to get some perspective. Your daughter has every right to feel upset about what happened to her. But in life, not every wrong has a corresponding punishment.

And even if it did, I don't think you'll find most other parents agree that the appropriate punishment for one 12yo who tapped another 12yo's rear end is suspension or multiple detentions or getting kicked out of band or basketball. Part of education is socialization: just like preschoolers and kindergarteners have to learn not to pummel their tablemates to get the crayon they want, 12yos have to learn how to interact appropriately with the opposite sex.
.

+1 if she does not ID the boy accurately, tada, another false accusation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think your daughter should be the one talking to the guidance counselor and someone in a leadership role at school about how to respond to this kind of behavior. It's the right place to start, but I don't know how a school would respond. I know that bullying issues aren't confined to school grounds, so I am sure that they would at least hear your daughter out and talk about options with her.

One thing you need to consider is how certain is she that she can ID the boy himself from a yearbook or social media? If she doesn't know him, and the school is as big as you say, it sounds a little problematic. (Conversely if she is certain about who it is, how hard is it really to find the name and a phone number for the family?)

The other issue that you may find is that right now it's a one-off incident and effectively your daughter's word against some anonymous boy's (I assume he'd deny it.) Realistically it's going to be difficult for a school, much less the police, to enact severe punishments on such a basis.

Finally I would implore you to step back and try to get some perspective. Your daughter has every right to feel upset about what happened to her. But in life, not every wrong has a corresponding punishment.

And even if it did, I don't think you'll find most other parents agree that the appropriate punishment for one 12yo who tapped another 12yo's rear end is suspension or multiple detentions or getting kicked out of band or basketball. Part of education is socialization: just like preschoolers and kindergarteners have to learn not to pummel their tablemates to get the crayon they want, 12yos have to learn how to interact appropriately with the opposite sex.
.

School is out for the year. Today was the last day.

I haven't discussed reaction options with my daughter. I was at work today. She doesn't know how I feel about this other than me saying I'm sorry it happened and we would talk more about it tonight. I mostly listened earlier.

I want to notify his parents. I think I've said that at least 10 times already. They can deal with it however they deal with it. I'm not trying to decide on the punishment for the boy. I am also not going to tell her to just suck it up. That's a terrible lesson, and one I will not teach to my child. She reacted appropriately when it happened.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, don't be so sure that your daughter and her friends haven't been up to their own inappropriate behavior with this boy and his friends.

I found it very suspect that she had no idea who any of the boys were, yet they go to her school.

Your daughter might not be telling the entire truth here.

Her middle school has almost 1,000 students in two grades. You may find it suspect, but that's your problem.

She was crying when she called to tell me. She is very upset, even though she reacted immediately and appropriately. I discussed it with her, how she felt about it, etc. I didn't ask for advice on how to deal with her. I'm confident in the discussions we've had today and prior.

I'd like to find a way to let his parents know. Will the principal contact them if it was off of school property?

I don't understand why everyone needs to rewrite the story to suit their own needs. The assumptions and accusations about my child and I are nuts. It says a lot more about you than it does about us.

You need to counsel your daughter better. This isn't something to cry about or even be very upset about. Of course SHE should go to the principal and YOU should stay out of it. She should be advocating for herself.

NP. Wait... what? Are you serious here? "This isn't something to cry about or be upset about?" Maybe not to you, and that's fine, but you're not the thought police. If something upsets someone, it upsets someone, and that emotion is valid. All this talk about empowering people, and then you want to tell someone how they should think and feel about something that happened to them? Nonsense.

I agree that the principal should be notified, and the other child's parents. He needs to learn that that sort of thing is not alright, and since he clearly doesn't know that someone needs to teach it to him. His school or his parents are the most logical avenues for this, and as a parent I would sure want to know if my kid were behaving like that. I would't like to hear it, obviously, but I would need to know in order to teach my kid better.

And what is this "she should be advocating for herself"? Sure, she "should" be doing that, if that's how she wants it handled. Otherwise, if she would prefer assistance from someone or support in handling the situation, she should have that. I'm sure OP talked with her DD about what the girl wanted to see happen here, but it doesn't seem such a stretch to me that a parent would go with their child to report something like this. Should is a pretty worthless concept anyway except when it comes to moral imperatives, laws, and inescapable practicalities of life -- none of which this situation is. Otherwise all "should" does is delegitimize and disempower pretty much everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"End game"? I would like the kid to be seriously punished. Suspended. Kicked off his sports team for some period of time (if applicable). Detention for a while. Things like that. Would depend on whether this was the first time he did something like this or not. I'd like someone with authority (principal maybe) to sit him down and tell him he can't do that and if he were an adult it is a crime called "assault" that could be prosecuted. And that if they ever hear of him treating another girl in a degrading manner, he will be punished even more severely.

Wow. I hope your precious little snowflake doesn't make a mistake at some point in her life. I'm not condoning the boys' behavior but IMO your reaction is so far over the top, I don't know where to begin.

Suspended from school and kicked off a sports team for touching a girls butt off school grounds. Unbelievable.

This. We are a society gone amok.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"End game"? I would like the kid to be seriously punished. Suspended. Kicked off his sports team for some period of time (if applicable). Detention for a while. Things like that. Would depend on whether this was the first time he did something like this or not. I'd like someone with authority (principal maybe) to sit him down and tell him he can't do that and if he were an adult it is a crime called "assault" that could be prosecuted. And that if they ever hear of him treating another girl in a degrading manner, he will be punished even more severely.

Wow. I hope your precious little snowflake doesn't make a mistake at some point in her life. I'm not condoning the boys' behavior but IMO your reaction is so far over the top, I don't know where to begin.

Suspended from school and kicked off a sports team for touching a girls butt off school grounds. Unbelievable.

This. We are a society gone amok.

Its already happening in our colleges. Why won't it permeate down to our high schools and middle schools. The colleges are a testing ground and then it seeps into the real world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"End game"? I would like the kid to be seriously punished. Suspended. Kicked off his sports team for some period of time (if applicable). Detention for a while. Things like that. Would depend on whether this was the first time he did something like this or not. I'd like someone with authority (principal maybe) to sit him down and tell him he can't do that and if he were an adult it is a crime called "assault" that could be prosecuted. And that if they ever hear of him treating another girl in a degrading manner, he will be punished even more severely.

Wow. I hope your precious little snowflake doesn't make a mistake at some point in her life. I'm not condoning the boys' behavior but IMO your reaction is so far over the top, I don't know where to begin.

Suspended from school and kicked off a sports team for touching a girls butt off school grounds. Unbelievable.

This. We are a society gone amok.

Its already happening in our colleges. Why won't it permeate down to our high schools and middle schools. The colleges are a testing ground and then it seeps into the real world.

Because the legal system has different standards for those who are not adults. Not everything should be seen from the perspective of a bitter 40 something DC office drone.

[Anonymous]

Once when I was in college, a guy came up behind me and grabbed my crotch at a bar. I turned around and in a singular motion executed a roundhouse kick to his balls. Everyone in the vicinity cheered for me. To this day, I still don't classify it as a sexual assault. I was surrounded by others, the guy did something dumb on a dare, he got his balls kicked, end of story.

I am not condoning his behavior, but I am also CHOOSING not to be a victim. I was never afraid; I wasn't humiliated.

Don't force your daughter to be a victim. If she feels victimized that is one thing, but don't teach her to feel like a victim when there is really no need.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"End game"? I would like the kid to be seriously punished. Suspended. Kicked off his sports team for some period of time (if applicable). Detention for a while. Things like that. Would depend on whether this was the first time he did something like this or not. I'd like someone with authority (principal maybe) to sit him down and tell him he can't do that and if he were an adult it is a crime called "assault" that could be prosecuted. And that if they ever hear of him treating another girl in a degrading manner, he will be punished even more severely.

Wow. I hope your precious little snowflake doesn't make a mistake at some point in her life. I'm not condoning the boys' behavior but IMO your reaction is so far over the top, I don't know where to begin.

Suspended from school and kicked off a sports team for touching a girls butt off school grounds. Unbelievable.

This. We are a society gone amok.

Its already happening in our colleges. Why won't it permeate down to our high schools and middle schools. The colleges are a testing ground and then it seeps into the real world.

Guilty until proven innocent...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"End game"? I would like the kid to be seriously punished. Suspended. Kicked off his sports team for some period of time (if applicable). Detention for a while. Things like that. Would depend on whether this was the first time he did something like this or not. I'd like someone with authority (principal maybe) to sit him down and tell him he can't do that and if he were an adult it is a crime called "assault" that could be prosecuted. And that if they ever hear of him treating another girl in a degrading manner, he will be punished even more severely.

Wow. I hope your precious little snowflake doesn't make a mistake at some point in her life. I'm not condoning the boys' behavior but IMO your reaction is so far over the top, I don't know where to begin.

Suspended from school and kicked off a sports team for touching a girls butt off school grounds. Unbelievable.

This. We are a society gone amok.

Its already happening in our colleges. Why won't it permeate down to our high schools and middle schools. The colleges are a testing ground and then it seeps into the real world.

Because the legal system has different standards for those who are not adults. Not everything should be seen from the perspective of a bitter 40 something DC office drone.

yeah..and the bitter 40 year old office drones are already writing rules to circumvent the legal system for colleges. So why won't they eventually do it for high schools. Even elementary schools. Its starting to happen in california anyway for high schools.