I'm making a choice that could break my family apart.

[Anonymous]

SIL needs to be told by her husband to take down all references on social media. She does not have a grip.

[Anonymous]

Your SIL cannot handle having a child right now, and probably not with her current DH. She is not stable. You are a good person for offering. Sounds like she needs to get divorced and find herself again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP. I think the problem is that you did due diligence for your interests and not for your SIL who is an a lot of emotional pain and is probably still grieving the loss of three babies one of which she had to deliver and then bury/cremate (even if it was 7 years ago). I can’t imagine being the same person after having to pick a casket, plan a memorial service or select an urn for the remains of my baby. So like some of the other posters said, I’m giving your SIL a lot of leeway and I can definitely understand her behavior when you mentioned you being the solution to her problem. You are the one person whose life she desperately wants and for you to finally give her the one thing she wants is cruelly ironic to her. I understand that you saw a fertility specialist and your lawyer, but did you also consult a therapist trained in dealing with surrogacy/fertility issues? All parties undergoing gestational surrogacy have to have extensive therapy and the therapist must gain consent (without duress) from all parties before moving on? Did you talk with a therapist because I think he/she might have mentioned the possible fallout that could and did result. I think if you had broached this subject with your SIL first, she could have let you know that she was not interested in this as a solution. I think you had the best intentions but should have done a little more due diligence before inserting yourself as the solution to SIL’s fertility issues.

No, because we were told counseling would be the next step if all parties made the decision to move forward. As for the rest of your post whatever, you want to blame me for this, so you will.

That's your next step, a counseling (be it legal or therapy) session for all four of you. Given her posts to social media are an attempt for her to create facts on the ground and impose her restrictions, time to get the professionals involved in negotiating terms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Well it sounds like you mentioned being a surrogate in the past and they never took you up on it. You should have taken that as a sign that they were not interested. Your SIL does not want you to carry her baby and probably never did. Your BIL was out of line in asking you again after it was clear that his wife was not on board.

No. I never once in the past mentioned to SIL that I wanted to be her surrogate. Nor did I ever once say here that I did, so I'm not sure why you thought that. She did after my second say offhandedly that the next baby I had would probably have to be hers. I just hugged her and handed her her nephew and said "You can have mine all you want until you have your own." So we have been very close over the years until now - as I stated.

From your OP:

"Over the past few years I've spun the idea of offering to be her surrogate if it ever came to that."

So who were you spinning this idea too?

OP: In my own mind and heart. Then after we loaned them another $10000 my DH (please be kind here) said "You know if you just had the baby for them it would be cheaper for us." That started our conversation about it, where I admitted to him the thought had crossed my mind. Then we saw our lawyer, my obgyn and a fertility specialist to see if this was even possible because we didn't want to offer and have it not be possible causing them another heartbreak.

So you've loaned them at least $20,000 and made medical and legal preparations to loan them your body. Then she lashes out at you in a way you were told to expect and you are ready to rescind the offer the next day.

Your and DH's extraordinary generosity seems to have some odd emotional strings attached.

[Anonymous]

I think you all are too invested in their fertility situation. Loaning huge amounts of cash for IVF and offering surrogacy, I mean it just seems over the top to me.

[Anonymous]

Feel no guilt. She would make the child's life pure hell. She is crazy. I'd have nothing more to do with her.

[Anonymous]

I think you all are too invested in their fertility situation.

I agree, this is not healthy at all.

[Anonymous]

OP - You have shared enough information and heard back from a variety of points of view here on this board. It is time to end this thread here as being in any way helpful for your particular complicated personal family relationships. Your best advice from this thread is for you and DH to remain on the same page, focus on the needs of your busy family with four young children age 7 months to 9 and find a competent therapist who can help you to do so without any negative feelings as well as also to abide by the decision you have made, set limits which may be necessary with his brother and SIL , which may be necessary until she regains her balance.

[Anonymous]

OP- I hope you and your husband go with your initial reaction and pass on this. You both were incredibly thoughtful to offer, and I feel for your BIL but your SIL is being ungrateful and unreasonable in her demands. The child couldn't even call you aunt? How could you keep it a secret with a 9 year old? And her comment, "don't think about backing out now" was disturbing. She seems unhinged, and after all she's been through that is not a surprise. She needs some therapy.
I see a long hard road ahead for you and your family if you agree to this. I'm sorry you are in this position.
Best wishes to you all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP, please ignore the vitriol on this site. There are a lot of unhappy woman here that get their jollies by beating up n others when they are down. You made a tremendously kind offer born of love. You are not responsible for how someone reacts to that offer. I wish my family was half as loving and giving. Be well.

+1

I think a lot of the rude posts towards the OP are being made by women who are themselves infertile and are projecting.

Infertile PP here. Contrary to popular opinion, we aren't all bitter, jealous harpies. Geez.

No I think it is absolutely horrible what the SIL is doing. I understand it comes from a place of deep pain and grief, but that doesn't excuse the behavior.

[Anonymous]

Wow there are some ungrateful and downright ridiculous people in this thread.

A brother loans his brother money for medical expenses and he and his wife offer surrogacy and they are the assholes.

Typical DCUM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you all are too invested in their fertility situation. Loaning huge amounts of cash for IVF and offering surrogacy, I mean it just seems over the top to me.

I would do the same for my sister if I could. I would want to help in anyway possible. You have no right to judge.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Well it sounds like you mentioned being a surrogate in the past and they never took you up on it. You should have taken that as a sign that they were not interested. Your SIL does not want you to carry her baby and probably never did. Your BIL was out of line in asking you again after it was clear that his wife was not on board.

No. I never once in the past mentioned to SIL that I wanted to be her surrogate. Nor did I ever once say here that I did, so I'm not sure why you thought that. She did after my second say offhandedly that the next baby I had would probably have to be hers. I just hugged her and handed her her nephew and said "You can have mine all you want until you have your own." So we have been very close over the years until now - as I stated.

From your OP:

"Over the past few years I've spun the idea of offering to be her surrogate if it ever came to that."

So who were you spinning this idea too?

OP: In my own mind and heart. Then after we loaned them another $10000 my DH (please be kind here) said "You know if you just had the baby for them it would be cheaper for us." That started our conversation about it, where I admitted to him the thought had crossed my mind. Then we saw our lawyer, my obgyn and a fertility specialist to see if this was even possible because we didn't want to offer and have it not be possible causing them another heartbreak.

So you've loaned them at least $20,000 and made medical and legal preparations to loan them your body. Then she lashes out at you in a way you were told to expect and you are ready to rescind the offer the next day.

Your and DH's extraordinary generosity seems to have some odd emotional strings attached.

Um, so you think they should still do this after her batshit reaction!?! SIL created an absolutely impossible situation with her response. Of course they have to rescind. You are nuts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP. I think the problem is that you did due diligence for your interests and not for your SIL who is an a lot of emotional pain and is probably still grieving the loss of three babies one of which she had to deliver and then bury/cremate (even if it was 7 years ago). I can’t imagine being the same person after having to pick a casket, plan a memorial service or select an urn for the remains of my baby. So like some of the other posters said, I’m giving your SIL a lot of leeway and I can definitely understand her behavior when you mentioned you being the solution to her problem. You are the one person whose life she desperately wants and for you to finally give her the one thing she wants is cruelly ironic to her. I understand that you saw a fertility specialist and your lawyer, but did you also consult a therapist trained in dealing with surrogacy/fertility issues? All parties undergoing gestational surrogacy have to have extensive therapy and the therapist must gain consent (without duress) from all parties before moving on? Did you talk with a therapist because I think he/she might have mentioned the possible fallout that could and did result. I think if you had broached this subject with your SIL first, she could have let you know that she was not interested in this as a solution. I think you had the best intentions but should have done a little more due diligence before inserting yourself as the solution to SIL’s fertility issues.

Are you serious??? Op should do all of the due diligence, carry the baby and pay for the delivery? She took the time and money to do her own due diligence, and now she should be upset because she didn't do the SIL's?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I'm sorry, but this rates as a first world problem. This woman cannot bear children, but has a family who is willing to support her desires to the point where the will bear her children for her. Seriously folks?

Yes she has fears and inadequate a to deal with, but also the full extent of opportunity anyone could even dream of. Many infertile women would give any thing for a surrogate volunteer. This woman cannot see the blessing she had, which is her right. But she shouldn't bash OP for her kindness.

This sums it up perfectly. How ungrateful and narcissistic.

Stop with the labeling everyone narcissistic. She's not a narcissist. She's doing a very bad job dealing with her grief and infertility.