I slept with another man and am consumed with guilt

[Anonymous]

OP - A man here who cheated on his wife, felt horrible, then lied about it for almost 15 years. When I finally confessed - it was HELL for both of us. One of the things that hurt her almost as much as my betrayal was that my wife was never given the chance to react in real time, I never gave her the option of ditching my lying cheating ass and finding someone better. I not only cheated on her and our marriage but I cheated out of the opportunity to make an honest opinion of whether to stay married to me. Insert knife, then twist... You have to own this, suffer the consequences, whatever they are, and then move on. Don't insult him further by lying just because you are a chicken shit (like I was). You did it, own it and deal with the consequences - then move on. Hopefully your marriage will survive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DO NOT tell your husband. How selfish of you to even consider it. If you know it would devastate him, you live with that guilt and you suck it up. No, honestly is not always better. Seems like you learned your lesson, but there is not need to involve anyone else.

+100

Tell your husband and blow his world up. Your kid can then tell his dates what their mother did and then you can go out and screw around every night.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - A man here who cheated on his wife, felt horrible, then lied about it for almost 15 years. When I finally confessed - it was HELL for both of us. One of the things that hurt her almost as much as my betrayal was that my wife was never given the chance to react in real time, I never gave her the option of ditching my lying cheating ass and finding someone better. I not only cheated on her and our marriage but I cheated out of the opportunity to make an honest opinion of whether to stay married to me. Insert knife, then twist... You have to own this, suffer the consequences, whatever they are, and then move on. Don't insult him further by lying just because you are a chicken shit (like I was). You did it, own it and deal with the consequences - then move on. Hopefully your marriage will survive.

Why did you confess?

[Anonymous]

I wonder what OPs therapist will tell her? Would a therapist even give direction on to tell or not? Would seem to me the therapist would encourage her to tell for ethical reasons and peace of mind. Lying helps no one.

[Anonymous]

OP, do you love your husband?

[Anonymous]

So OP...have you decided WHY you did this? It wasn't the booze. You WANTED to sleep with this guy. The booze merely lowered your inhibitions enough to clear the way.

Why? Do you want out of the marriage? Were you just bored looking for excitement? What?

I ask because the reason you did this is important in deciding how to proceed. You say it won't happen again but there's a reason it happened the first time, and if that reason remains then it's likely that it will indeed happen again, especially after your initial guilt fades and you see you've gotten away with it.

[Anonymous]

14:25 here. To the PP who asked, I confessed because I because I was tired and ashamed of lying to her. She always suspected and I finally got to the point of loving her too much to keep lying. I have second guessed my decision many times but still feel it was the right thing to do. Maybe it is not for everyone but after hearing what my wife said about being cheated on then robbed of the right to make her decision at the time, I get it - I should have manned up and confessed when I did it. She would have probably left me - maybe I could have won her back, maybe she would have found someone better. It should have been her decision to make - not mine. I lost that right when I broke our marriage vows.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:14:25 here. To the PP who asked, I confessed because I because I was tired and ashamed of lying to her. She always suspected and I finally got to the point of loving her too much to keep lying. I have second guessed my decision many times but still feel it was the right thing to do. Maybe it is not for everyone but after hearing what my wife said about being cheated on then robbed of the right to make her decision at the time, I get it - I should have manned up and confessed when I did it. She would have probably left me - maybe I could have won her back, maybe she would have found someone better. It should have been her decision to make - not mine. I lost that right when I broke our marriage vows.

how is the marriage now?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wonder what OPs therapist will tell her? Would a therapist even give direction on to tell or not? Would seem to me the therapist would encourage her to tell for ethical reasons and peace of mind. Lying helps no one.

A therapist will help her explore her feelings, motivations, acts, reactions, relationships etc. so that she can come to a decision on her own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder what OPs therapist will tell her? Would a therapist even give direction on to tell or not? Would seem to me the therapist would encourage her to tell for ethical reasons and peace of mind. Lying helps no one.

A therapist will help her explore her feelings, motivations, acts, reactions, relationships etc. so that she can come to a decision on her own.

But I would think a therapist would not advise to lie as they are there to work through feelings, etc., and lying will cause more issues for OPs own mental health in the end.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - A man here who cheated on his wife, felt horrible, then lied about it for almost 15 years. When I finally confessed - it was HELL for both of us. One of the things that hurt her almost as much as my betrayal was that my wife was never given the chance to react in real time, I never gave her the option of ditching my lying cheating ass and finding someone better. I not only cheated on her and our marriage but I cheated out of the opportunity to make an honest opinion of whether to stay married to me. Insert knife, then twist... You have to own this, suffer the consequences, whatever they are, and then move on. Don't insult him further by lying just because you are a chicken shit (like I was). You did it, own it and deal with the consequences - then move on. Hopefully your marriage will survive.

I agree with this. I can't believe the number of people saying not to tell as if it is some sort of noble act.

OP, what you did was disgusting. Don't continue being disgusting. That is your choice.

[Anonymous]

14:25
Was it a one time thing or an ongoing affair? To me, that matters. One time, i would rather not know. Ongoing...it would have me questioning everything during that period and would be much harder to deal with. Plus I think an ongoing affair suggests a much deeper problem in the marriage than a one time fuck up (not to excuse it).

[Anonymous]

how is the marriage now?[/quote]

It survived. I confessed about four years ago. Our marriage is different now - stronger in some ways, weaker in others. I am VERY conscientious now about how I act around other women, and try to be a better husband to make up for it. BTW I never cheated again after that (once a cheater always a cheater is not always true). I am not a perfect husband, but I make a hell of a lot more effort now then I did before, partly at least because I still feel so guilty. I had suppressed the whole event for years and that allowed me to avoid seeing the devastation I caused my wife. Seeing it was horrible beyond description. But at least it is in the past. To the OP, she seems remorseful and that is a good start, she needs to go to therapy by herself and with her husband (if he stays). Its a bad thing to cheat, made even more so with the lies on top.

Is it more selfish to keep your guilt to yourself? Is it more selfish to be honest and destroy your SO to lessen your pain? I don't know what the answer is but is seems that lying about and robbing your spouse of their right to react is just unfair. IMHO.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:14:25
Was it a one time thing or an ongoing affair? To me, that matters. One time, i would rather not know. Ongoing...it would have me questioning everything during that period and would be much harder to deal with. Plus I think an ongoing affair suggests a much deeper problem in the marriage than a one time fuck up (not to excuse it).

It was the usual attraction to the co-worker that went too far. It was intoxicating for the first couple of weeks - a huge ego boost to have the hottest woman in the office into me, then reality and guilt set in and I ended it after a couple of weeks (we only had full on sex one time - if that matters). She moved on to her next victim. I tried to pretend that it never happened in order to avoid accepting what a sleazebag I was.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:14:25 here. To the PP who asked, I confessed because I because I was tired and ashamed of lying to her.

When you say "lying" does it mean just "not telling" or something else? We might have completely different definitions of lying but in my book "not telling anything about one night stand while drunk" for 15 years is not the same as "lying for 15 years".

And was yours a one night stand or something else?