I slept with another man and am consumed with guilt

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand that you must have a load of guilt weighing on your heart at this moment. And it must be eating you alive. I hear you.

But do not this stupid mistake ruin you and your husband. And it WILL most certainly ruin you both if you disclose your indiscretion to him.

Why cause irreparable harm on a wonderful marriage? Why cause such a good person the worst kind of traumatic pain one can feel? What good can possibly come out of it?? ZERO, that's it. Nada.

Forgive yourself. Shoot...Punish yourself all you want.

But let this be a lesson to yourself and no one else.

What your husband doesn't know won't hurt him. In fact, it will kill him if he finds out.

There is already too much unhappiness, misery and suffering in the world as it is....What kind of person would want to add to this amount?

Do damage control and make a promise to yourself to count your loss, you've learned a hard lesson this time, stay true from today and ahead and do not EVER let this happen again.

In other words, PP, OP gets to eat her cake and have it, too, because that is somehow better for her DH? That is too easy.

I agree that is what OP is likely going to do, and to rationalize based on the interests of her DC , but let's be honest about the stakes. OP's DH is going to be tricked into spending the rest of his life with someone under false pretenses. "What he doesn't know won't hurt him" is too glib a way to dismiss the significance of that.

Saying that approach is somehow for the best is both convenient and self-serving for OP. For some of us, at least, there are worse things than being hurt. Living a lie is one of them.

OP, this is not intended to be hurtful to you. You sound like a good person who made a mistake.

Agree 100%

I could not live with myself knowing that I had violated my DH's trust. It isn't fair to him to let him believe that I hadn't broken our marriage vows. It makes the whole marriage invalid, imo. Might the marriage end? Yes, but that would be my fault. Not for telling, but for cheating. I would do everything I could to repair the marriage, but I cannot live a lie, and it isn't fair to my DH to let him live that lie, either.

What kind of a person are you if you can lie to your partner like that? What does it say about your character? And God forbid the truth come out later - as it may well. Because then the lie is unforgivable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Thanks for the responses. I read them all. I have an appointment with a therapist on Friday. Going to talk it through with him but leaning towards saying nothing and trying to move forward.

What would make me even more despicable would be to let it happen again. I am going to learn from this and as pp says, put extra effort in being a better wife and mother.

I made a very bad decision but I don't know if all the parties - DH, myself and DC would be better off if I ultimately told DH and he decided to end our marriage.

I do need to explore why I allowed this to happen. I did have a moment of clarity and thought to myself, get out now why you have the chance but I didn't and I think a lot of that decision had to do with drinking.

I firmly believe I don't have an alcolohol problem. I honestly can't remember the last time I was intoxicated. Probably before DC was born. I was in the moment, mixed different types of liquor and didnt eat dinner plus my time zone was way out of whack. That being said, I take full responsibility for my actions and as I said, intend on working though this with a therapist but at this juncture I don't believe it is in anyone's best interest to tell.

For those who have asked about AP - I strongly believe he will not say anything. I see him maybe twice a year, we have no interaction other than these meetings every 6 months. He lives 5000 miles away.

It just the guilt and shame that I worry will eat away at me. But I have brought that on myself and will not ask for sympathy.

When he contacts you, and he will, you must be clear that it was a mistake, that you regret it, and that it will never happen again. Nothing even remotely flirty or warm. Then end all contact. If a secret with a man other than your DH is allowed to simmer you will one day in the future find yourself on your back in some hotel room with your mistake once again between your legs. Make book on it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Thanks for the responses. I read them all. I have an appointment with a therapist on Friday. Going to talk it through with him but leaning towards saying nothing and trying to move forward.

What would make me even more despicable would be to let it happen again. I am going to learn from this and as pp says, put extra effort in being a better wife and mother.

I made a very bad decision but I don't know if all the parties - DH, myself and DC would be better off if I ultimately told DH and he decided to end our marriage.

I do need to explore why I allowed this to happen. I did have a moment of clarity and thought to myself, get out now why you have the chance but I didn't and I think a lot of that decision had to do with drinking.

I firmly believe I don't have an alcolohol problem. I honestly can't remember the last time I was intoxicated. Probably before DC was born. I was in the moment, mixed different types of liquor and didnt eat dinner plus my time zone was way out of whack. That being said, I take full responsibility for my actions and as I said, intend on working though this with a therapist but at this juncture I don't believe it is in anyone's best interest to tell.

For those who have asked about AP - I strongly believe he will not say anything. I see him maybe twice a year, we have no interaction other than these meetings every 6 months. He lives 5000 miles away.

It just the guilt and shame that I worry will eat away at me. But I have brought that on myself and will not ask for sympathy.

When he contacts you, and he will, you must be clear that it was a mistake, that you regret it, and that it will never happen again. Nothing even remotely flirty or warm. Then end all contact. If a secret with a man other than your DH is allowed to simmer you will one day in the future find yourself on your back in some hotel room with your mistake once again between your legs. Make book on it.

Please factor the following into your decision not to tell: this happened on a work trip. Before the drinking, you all were together with other colleagues and people saw you.
Who knows what their other man will tell or has told his co-workers (innocently): "oh, jane and I went our for a drink".
Who knows what questions other people are asking.
And then all of sudden you each can't remember what you told to who. And then a series of coincidences adds up - your DH runs into a work colleague was wasn't even there but who mentions something (innocently) about the trip and how they heard the conference goers stayed out late. And then he asks you about it and you start down the slippery slope.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Thanks for the responses. I read them all. I have an appointment with a therapist on Friday. Going to talk it through with him but leaning towards saying nothing and trying to move forward.

What would make me even more despicable would be to let it happen again. I am going to learn from this and as pp says, put extra effort in being a better wife and mother.

I made a very bad decision but I don't know if all the parties - DH, myself and DC would be better off if I ultimately told DH and he decided to end our marriage.

I do need to explore why I allowed this to happen. I did have a moment of clarity and thought to myself, get out now why you have the chance but I didn't and I think a lot of that decision had to do with drinking.

I firmly believe I don't have an alcolohol problem. I honestly can't remember the last time I was intoxicated. Probably before DC was born. I was in the moment, mixed different types of liquor and didnt eat dinner plus my time zone was way out of whack. That being said, I take full responsibility for my actions and as I said, intend on working though this with a therapist but at this juncture I don't believe it is in anyone's best interest to tell.

For those who have asked about AP - I strongly believe he will not say anything. I see him maybe twice a year, we have no interaction other than these meetings every 6 months. He lives 5000 miles away.

It just the guilt and shame that I worry will eat away at me. But I have brought that on myself and will not ask for sympathy.

This post gave me anxiety, glad I am not OP!!

When he contacts you, and he will, you must be clear that it was a mistake, that you regret it, and that it will never happen again. Nothing even remotely flirty or warm. Then end all contact. If a secret with a man other than your DH is allowed to simmer you will one day in the future find yourself on your back in some hotel room with your mistake once again between your legs. Make book on it.

Please factor the following into your decision not to tell: this happened on a work trip. Before the drinking, you all were together with other colleagues and people saw you.
Who knows what their other man will tell or has told his co-workers (innocently): "oh, jane and I went our for a drink".
Who knows what questions other people are asking.
And then all of sudden you each can't remember what you told to who. And then a series of coincidences adds up - your DH runs into a work colleague was wasn't even there but who mentions something (innocently) about the trip and how they heard the conference goers stayed out late. And then he asks you about it and you start down the slippery slope.

[Anonymous]

By not telling, you are basically making a bet that the situation is both over and under your control.

Given that you see him twice a year for work and that co-workers talk, there are so many unpredictable things that could happen, I think it would be crazy to take that bet.

Like a PP said, once you start sliding down that slope of covering up or thinking you need to cover up, there is no recovering.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DO NOT tell your husband. How selfish of you to even consider it. If you know it would devastate him, you live with that guilt and you suck it up. No, honestly is not always better. Seems like you learned your lesson, but there is not need to involve anyone else.

+100

[Anonymous]

OP unless there is video recording, you can deny everything!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand that you must have a load of guilt weighing on your heart at this moment. And it must be eating you alive. I hear you.

But do not this stupid mistake ruin you and your husband. And it WILL most certainly ruin you both if you disclose your indiscretion to him.

Why cause irreparable harm on a wonderful marriage? Why cause such a good person the worst kind of traumatic pain one can feel? What good can possibly come out of it?? ZERO, that's it. Nada.

Forgive yourself. Shoot...Punish yourself all you want.

But let this be a lesson to yourself and no one else.

What your husband doesn't know won't hurt him. In fact, it will kill him if he finds out.

There is already too much unhappiness, misery and suffering in the world as it is....What kind of person would want to add to this amount?

Do damage control and make a promise to yourself to count your loss, you've learned a hard lesson this time, stay true from today and ahead and do not EVER let this happen again.

In other words, PP, OP gets to eat her cake and have it, too, because that is somehow better for her DH? That is too easy.

I agree that is what OP is likely going to do, and to rationalize based on the interests of her DC , but let's be honest about the stakes. OP's DH is going to be tricked into spending the rest of his life with someone under false pretenses. "What he doesn't know won't hurt him" is too glib a way to dismiss the significance of that.

Saying that approach is somehow for the best is both convenient and self-serving for OP. For some of us, at least, there are worse things than being hurt. Living a lie is one of them.

OP, this is not intended to be hurtful to you. You sound like a good person who made a mistake.

Agree 100%

I could not live with myself knowing that I had violated my DH's trust. It isn't fair to him to let him believe that I hadn't broken our marriage vows. It makes the whole marriage invalid, imo. Might the marriage end? Yes, but that would be my fault. Not for telling, but for cheating. I would do everything I could to repair the marriage, but I cannot live a lie, and it isn't fair to my DH to let him live that lie, either.

What kind of a person are you if you can lie to your partner like that? What does it say about your character? And God forbid the truth come out later - as it may well. Because then the lie is unforgivable.

I agree with both. You messed up and now its time to own up to it. Your husband will be hurt, but this will be something that you will have to deal with because you caused it. Do you really want to live the rest of your life with this secret? You'll feel better afterward knowing that you messed up but did the best you could to right a wrong. IMO, you don't get to decide what's best for your husband re: telling him or not. You already put your interests ahead of his by cheating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I hate to tell you this but the man you cheated with is probably the type of man who will tell his (and your) colleagues. The cat is out of the bag and your reputation is already at risk. You should assume that there are many others at your company who already know. I GUARANTEE IT.

The man was married too, so he doesn't have much incentive to blab

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're disgusting, OP. I'm single and can't find a nice guy, meanwhile ho's like you are married and unappreciative. I hope he finds out and dumps you, once a cheater always a cheater.

Your post says a lot about you and why you claim to not be able to find a nice guy. You know almost nothing about the OP and her relationship with her spouse, and yet you've tried and condemned her. You have the point of view of a teenager. That's why you struggle with finding a mate.

[b]

Hi OP!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're disgusting, OP. I'm single and can't find a nice guy, meanwhile ho's like you are married and unappreciative. I hope he finds out and dumps you, once a cheater always a cheater.

Your post says a lot about you and why you claim to not be able to find a nice guy. You know almost nothing about the OP and her relationship with her spouse, and yet you've tried and condemned her. You have the point of view of a teenager. That's why you struggle with finding a mate.

[b]

Hi OP!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The man was married too, so he doesn't have much incentive to blab

Maybe not an incentive, but if he was packing condoms on a business trip and banging drunk married women then this ain't his first rodeo. It's only a matter of time until he's at a bar (which we know he's into) with a colleague and has a couple too many, and he'll brag about that one time in Geneva when he nailed Donna from the DC office and she was a wild one. "But don't tell anyone."

And of course this isn't a secret most people keep. Folks love gossip and dirt. It'll get out among people you know. May not make it back to DH, but people will find out and you'll be widely knowns as that Donna chick who totally banged Bjorn over in Switzerland at the product launch party.

Heck, every horn job married guy in your office will suddenly start sniffing around you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The man was married too, so he doesn't have much incentive to blab

Maybe not an incentive, but if he was packing condoms on a business trip and banging drunk married women then this ain't his first rodeo. It's only a matter of time until he's at a bar (which we know he's into) with a colleague and has a couple too many, and he'll brag about that one time in Geneva when he nailed Donna from the DC office and she was a wild one. "But don't tell anyone."

And of course this isn't a secret most people keep. Folks love gossip and dirt. It'll get out among people you know. May not make it back to DH, but people will find out and you'll be widely knowns as that Donna chick who totally banged Bjorn over in Switzerland at the product launch party.

Heck, every horn job married guy in your office will suddenly start sniffing around you.

Woof woof

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I hate to tell you this but the man you cheated with is probably the type of man who will tell his (and your) colleagues. The cat is out of the bag and your reputation is already at risk. You should assume that there are many others at your company who already know. I GUARANTEE IT.

The man was married too, so he doesn't have much incentive to blab

He's a man. That's enough incentive to brag about what he did to his friends and colleagues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I hate to tell you this but the man you cheated with is probably the type of man who will tell his (and your) colleagues. The cat is out of the bag and your reputation is already at risk. You should assume that there are many others at your company who already know. I GUARANTEE IT.

The man was married too, so he doesn't have much incentive to blab

He's a man. That's enough incentive to brag about what he did to his friends and colleagues.

She is a woman? Then she must be a whore.