I slept with another man and am consumed with guilt

[jsteele]

Anonymous wrote:

jsteele wrote:

Anonymous wrote:did a few posts get deleted from this thread?

Yes, a troll post and responses to it were removed.

What about 12:58?

Got that one now. People were posting faster than I could delete them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

jsteele wrote:

Anonymous wrote:did a few posts get deleted from this thread?

Yes, a troll post and responses to it were removed.

Thanks. So just to be clear, the post claiming to be OP who told her husband and was suicidal was a troll post, but the original post stands (though may or may not be true, as per always)?

I always treat DCUM as "for entertainment purposes only". I assume there are many troll OPs but it's still important to keep the integrity of the thread in place.

[Anonymous]

When I first read the title of this thread I thought it would about a guy having his first gay experience. I am disappointed that it was yet another thread about cheating.

[Anonymous]

THAT is why you NEVER marry a woman who goes on "business trips". Because if she's attractive, she'll be drinking and be surrounded by charming horny guys. Just a fact. I've been one of those guys.

[Anonymous]

Just keep in mind that you said "yes" because you wanted to and in the moment, it was worth the possible consequences. This is important information and you should pay attention to it. Chances are that that desire is still there and will come up again. Next time, you should be ready to deal with it. Many people have outside desires and these desires need not end your relationship. You do need to be more honest with you partner and build toward these desires being less of a threat. I'm ok with my partner having other desires and even other sex. She had those before she met me. It's that she felt it was necessary to lie to me about it. Like I wasn't aware she is human just like me. It's a hard conversation to have but one that ultimately makes the relationship stronger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Man here,

Having been in your husband's position, I have to say that the idea of not telling him disgusts me. The only thing that bothers me more than the act, was the fact that she concealed it for so long and put on a front like everything was fine. I could understand a mistake, but I couldn't understand deliberately concealing it. I can't completely accept the explanation that she was trying to protect my feelings, because I know that a large part of it was her trying to keep what she had. Once I found out, I was hurt by the action, but I was driven to a point of anger that I've never been before solely because the only thing on my mind was how she managed to smile in my face every single day and how believable it was. I couldn't be married to someone who could lie that well. I realized that I could never trust her again. I moved out, and filed for divorce as soon as the separation requirement was met.

It's been two years and I'm still messed up in the head/heart over it. I've tried counseling and I'm getting better, but I have a long way to go. Being aware of my own feelings, I can understand why you wouldn't want to hurt someone by revealing the truth. The problem is that you have to hold this for the rest of your life, and if he EVER finds out. You're gonna do more damage than if you just told him in the beginning.

You'll possibly find very hard to trust any other person after this. the damage is done and your ex wife is a rat.

Did your wife have an affair, or did she have sex one time with another man?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you are going to sleep with a coworker or colleague, at least make sure you get a big ass promotion out of the deal. Cheaters 101

It's just as likely to lead to getting fired.

Also, I'm on Team Don't Tell. In a longtime marriage with kids and my spouse had a ONS one time, I would not want to know. I know who he is with me, with our kids and that's enough. I don't need to know every little sexual thought he has, or about the one time thoughts turned into action. Now if it becomes a regular thing, then I would want to know because that would indicate an issue in our marriage, some underlying unhappiness.

I understand your guilt, Op, but that is your cross to bear for making a mistake. Think of it as a good thing, a quality that means you have a conscience and you love your husband. Some people cheat without one iota of thought for their spouse. Some do it as a passive-aggressive stab in the back. You're not one of them, and that's good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are going to sleep with a coworker or colleague, at least make sure you get a big ass promotion out of the deal. Cheaters 101

It's just as likely to lead to getting fired.

Also, I'm on Team Don't Tell. In a longtime marriage with kids and my spouse had a ONS one time, I would not want to know. I know who he is with me, with our kids and that's enough. I don't need to know every little sexual thought he has, or about the one time thoughts turned into action. Now if it becomes a regular thing, then I would want to know because that would indicate an issue in our marriage, some underlying unhappiness.

I understand your guilt, Op, but that is your cross to bear for making a mistake. Think of it as a good thing, a quality that means you have a conscience and you love your husband. Some people cheat without one iota of thought for their spouse. Some do it as a passive-aggressive stab in the back. You're not one of them, and that's good.

Agree. As I have posted before, I am relatively conservative in my views but believe that a good person can make a mistake in judgment. Now if I was Jenny Sanford or Silda Spitzer, OUT, OUT, OUT!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All you pps know that if this was a DH you would tell him he is a pig and an a-hole and that he had to tell his wife.

I cannot believe these responses.

Not true. Not if he used protection. Telling her DH would cause him terrible pain, and I would give the same advice to a DH.
OP, you have to live with the guilt, and the way to deal with it is to focus on why you were vulnerable to cheating. I don't care how drunk you were, there's a reason the door was open, so to speak. Figure it out and work through it.

Agreed. With a counselor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All you pps know that if this was a DH you would tell him he is a pig and an a-hole and that he had to tell his wife.

I cannot believe these responses.

Not true. Not if he used protection. Telling her DH would cause him terrible pain, and I would give the same advice to a DH.
OP, you have to live with the guilt, and the way to deal with it is to focus on why you were vulnerable to cheating. I don't care how drunk you were, there's a reason the door was open, so to speak. Figure it out and work through it.

Agreed. With a counselor.

NP
+2

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All you pps know that if this was a DH you would tell him he is a pig and an a-hole and that he had to tell his wife.

I cannot believe these responses.

Not true. Not if he used protection. Telling her DH would cause him terrible pain, and I would give the same advice to a DH.
OP, you have to live with the guilt, and the way to deal with it is to focus on why you were vulnerable to cheating. I don't care how drunk you were, there's a reason the door was open, so to speak. Figure it out and work through it.

Agreed. With a counselor.

NP
+2

Has the OP posted any updates? Would love to hear how she's doing?

[Anonymous]

The answer to this is simple: find out if he would want to know and act accordingly.

Personally I would want to know. There is nothing as disgusting as lies. To me. There are ways to talk to your spouse and find out what they think about stuff like this. You could play 1000 questions for couples for example and arrange it so that the "If your spouse had a one night stand would you want to know?" question comes somewhere close to the beginning.

You did something disgusting and horrible. Now the question is what's best for your spouse? If you find out he'd want to know - tell him. If you find out he wouldn't want to now - don't tell him if that's also okay with you. But if it ever happens again you suck even more than you already do and he deserves the chance to be with a woman who is faithful instead of you. And yes, harsh words like this is what you deserve.

[Anonymous]

It is terrible but people are humans, they / we make mistakes. To anyone who has been cheated: if it is not a pattern, try to move on (do not loose someone amazing for one mistake, even if it hurts terribly,work it out)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is terrible but people are humans, they / we make mistakes. To anyone who has been cheated: if it is not a pattern, try to move on (do not loose someone amazing for one mistake, even if it hurts terribly,work it out)

+1.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - A man here who cheated on his wife, felt horrible, then lied about it for almost 15 years. When I finally confessed - it was HELL for both of us. One of the things that hurt her almost as much as my betrayal was that my wife was never given the chance to react in real time, I never gave her the option of ditching my lying cheating ass and finding someone better. I not only cheated on her and our marriage but I cheated out of the opportunity to make an honest opinion of whether to stay married to me. Insert knife, then twist... You have to own this, suffer the consequences, whatever they are, and then move on. Don't insult him further by lying just because you are a chicken shit (like I was). You did it, own it and deal with the consequences - then move on. Hopefully your marriage will survive.

If you were my husband and confessed about something that happened 15 years ago, I'd call you stupid for bringing that up (because you did it to make yourself make feel better, not me), and go on with our life.

When my DH and I were married, I told him that if he ever has a one-night stand with no intention of doing it again, then I hope he has enough brains to never let me find out because I don't want to know. I expect to be protected from this information.

Agree. I'm guessing he confessed to relieve himself of the guilt. He should have taken it to his grave. How horrible to make a spouse question every detail of the last 15 years of marriage.