I slept with another man and am consumed with guilt

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - A man here who cheated on his wife, felt horrible, then lied about it for almost 15 years. When I finally confessed - it was HELL for both of us. One of the things that hurt her almost as much as my betrayal was that my wife was never given the chance to react in real time, I never gave her the option of ditching my lying cheating ass and finding someone better. I not only cheated on her and our marriage but I cheated out of the opportunity to make an honest opinion of whether to stay married to me. Insert knife, then twist... You have to own this, suffer the consequences, whatever they are, and then move on. Don't insult him further by lying just because you are a chicken shit (like I was). You did it, own it and deal with the consequences - then move on. Hopefully your marriage will survive.

If you were my husband and confessed about something that happened 15 years ago, I'd call you stupid for bringing that up (because you did it to make yourself make feel better, not me), and go on with our life.

When my DH and I were married, I told him that if he ever has a one-night stand with no intention of doing it again, then I hope he has enough brains to never let me find out because I don't want to know. I expect to be protected from this information.

+1

A truly random one night stand is not a threat to the marriage. It could, potentially even help in certain circumstances. An ongoing affair with the emotions, secrets, and lies is DEFCON-1.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - A man here who cheated on his wife, felt horrible, then lied about it for almost 15 years. When I finally confessed - it was HELL for both of us. One of the things that hurt her almost as much as my betrayal was that my wife was never given the chance to react in real time, I never gave her the option of ditching my lying cheating ass and finding someone better. I not only cheated on her and our marriage but I cheated out of the opportunity to make an honest opinion of whether to stay married to me. Insert knife, then twist... You have to own this, suffer the consequences, whatever they are, and then move on. Don't insult him further by lying just because you are a chicken shit (like I was). You did it, own it and deal with the consequences - then move on. Hopefully your marriage will survive.

If you were my husband and confessed about something that happened 15 years ago, I'd call you stupid for bringing that up (because you did it to make yourself make feel better, not me), and go on with our life.

When my DH and I were married, I told him that if he ever has a one-night stand with no intention of doing it again, then I hope he has enough brains to never let me find out because I don't want to know. I expect to be protected from this information.

+1

A truly random one night stand is not a threat to the marriage. It could, potentially even help in certain circumstances. An ongoing affair with the emotions, secrets, and lies is DEFCON-1.

I agree that if the OP uses this as a catalyst to figure out what's wrong with/missing from her marriage and takes the steps to improve it, this can be a blessing in disguise. It can have a great outcome, despite the process being extremely messed up.

[Anonymous]

I guess the bottom line is it depends on the individual; some people prefer not to know, some would be devastated by not being told by their spouse immediately afterward.

There's not necessarily a clear-cut right or wrong way to handle it. The only MUST is that OP doesn't use alcohol as an excuse; it doesn't let her off the hook and she needs to do the work in therapy to understand why she cheated on her DH and how to prevent it from happening again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree that if the OP uses this as a catalyst to figure out what's wrong with/missing from her marriage and takes the steps to improve it, this can be a blessing in disguise. It can have a great outcome, despite the process being extremely messed up.

I agree. This isn't something that just happened. As if she was minding her own business and suddenly found a random guy screwing her. She did it on purpose.

The answer to why she did it is what determines how to proceed. If the reason why this happened isn't addressed and corrected it's going to happen again, especially since the line has already been crossed. What's one more time?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree that if the OP uses this as a catalyst to figure out what's wrong with/missing from her marriage and takes the steps to improve it, this can be a blessing in disguise. It can have a great outcome, despite the process being extremely messed up.

I agree. This isn't something that just happened. As if she was minding her own business and suddenly found a random guy screwing her. She did it on purpose.

The answer to why she did it is what determines how to proceed. If the reason why this happened isn't addressed and corrected it's going to happen again, especially since the line has already been crossed. What's one more time?

Good point. OP, if you decide to tell him, try and get one more shag in with your co-worker. A cheat is a cheat whether it's one or two. You might as well get as much strange as you can before your mea culpa puts an end to the pleasure.

[Anonymous]

There is only one right answer re: what to do. Do what your spouse would want you to do. Would he want to know? Tell him. Would he want to be in blissful ignorance? Don't tell him. You should know your spouse well enough to know what he would want.

[Anonymous]

Next thing you know we're going to find out that the other balding DH got the suspicious hairbrush from his mom. Sheesh, doesn't anyone REALLY cheat anymore???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:troll

who got 18 pages out of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should tell your husband because if he finds out, that loving marriage you think you have is OVER !

Quit blaming the drink. I could consume 5 bottles of wine, get drunk out of my mind and not part my legs for a stranger. You intended it to happen.

BTW, you do realize when you blame stranger sex on being intoxicated it is considered rape.

Shut up. this is terrible advice.

[Anonymous]

did a few posts get deleted from this thread?

[jsteele]

Anonymous wrote:did a few posts get deleted from this thread?

Yes, a troll post and responses to it were removed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:did a few posts get deleted from this thread?

Looks like the OP's (or someone claiming to be OP) post claiming to have confessed to DH has been deleted, but several replies quoting it have remained.

[Anonymous]

jsteele wrote:

Anonymous wrote:did a few posts get deleted from this thread?

Yes, a troll post and responses to it were removed.

Thanks. So just to be clear, the post claiming to be OP who told her husband and was suicidal was a troll post, but the original post stands (though may or may not be true, as per always)?

[Anonymous]

jsteele wrote:

Anonymous wrote:did a few posts get deleted from this thread?

Yes, a troll post and responses to it were removed.

What about 12:58?

[jsteele]

Anonymous wrote:

jsteele wrote:

Anonymous wrote:did a few posts get deleted from this thread?

Yes, a troll post and responses to it were removed.

Thanks. So just to be clear, the post claiming to be OP who told her husband and was suicidal was a troll post, but the original post stands (though may or may not be true, as per always)?

Yes, this is correct.