SAHMs, do you worry about your husband leaving you?

[Anonymous]

Why does the mother of 5 feel the need to mention -- repeatedly -- how great her sex life is? I totally don't care, and methinks the lady dost protesteth too much. Moreover, that schedule sounds mostly awful. If I wanted to spend the greater part of my day as a maid, I wouldn't have bothered going to college and grad school. Glad it works for her, but I don't get the bragging. Who the hell wants that life??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why does the mother of 5 feel the need to mention -- repeatedly -- how great her sex life is? I totally don't care, and methinks the lady dost protesteth too much. Moreover, that schedule sounds mostly awful. If I wanted to spend the greater part of my day as a maid, I wouldn't have bothered going to college and grad school. Glad it works for her, but I don't get the bragging. Who the hell wants that life??

I think that was exactly her point, that many SAHMs spend most of their days doing the "menial" tasks and difficult housework that we working mothers get to slough off on our housekeepers, babysitters, drivers, and/or cooking services. We working mothers undoubtedly put in a difficult day in the office and are rewarded with brilliant and personally satisfying career success, but it is not right of us to assume that all SAHMs are hard-bodied gym bunnies with designer tastes and lots of free time. Many, in fact, most American SAHMs are probably a lot like the previous poster -- essentially they are hard-working, glorified maid, nanny, cook, laundress, chauffeur, personal assistant, and escort rolled into one sweet, tired package It may sound like hell to you and to many working mothers (that's part of the reason we chose a different path, right?), but it short-changes these SAHMs when we suppose that a majority of their lives are an easy street on the sofa, eating bon-bons and watching the soap operas.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:SAHM you don't want to know how I spend my days. Just very slowly. I only do things I like and feel like doing. It is a surprise to me when I have to rush. Don't like to so I take it easy. Spend a lot of time on vacation and at the beach, with my family and riding my horse. Takes a lot of time to do these things at a leisurely pace. Worry about money, no not so much. Our equity just keep growing. Lots of hobbies and I sculpt. Love to cook.

I'm the one that told people to "own it". Honestly, this is the type of SAHM I like. Keeping up her interests, not complaining about how hard her life is compared to everyone else. It's the kind of WOHM I like, too!

And, yes, we all Parent our children. The thing I hate the most is when a SAHM says something like "My job is TWENTY-FOUR HOURS!".....because working Moms don't come home to children and have Parenting also. We *all* work 24 hours.

And we should *all* be taking time for ourselves in order to remain interesting people.

And, lady, you had 5 kids. I will assume with you either planned them or were dumb about birth control while satisfying your wonderful sex life. I don't feel bad for you. Yes, most people don't have 5 kids.

In any case, the thread topic is just asking if you're worried about your finances, really.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, but the man is right. You're a SAHM when your kids are little. When they're in school you're a housewife. Sorry, it's not politically correct, but it's true. I know lots of women who essentially go to the gym all day. Many of their husbands chip in as much or more than mine. I don't think it matters as long as the people in the relationship are happy, but own it, people. Just admit you work out all day. Don't give other people the power to act like it's not enough if it works for you.

That said, keep some money handy in case you need it.....even if your marriage stays in tact!

Schedule of this "housewife" with five children. Morning begins at 6:45 a.m. Wake up the children, make breakfast, make sure everyone is showered, brushed, dressed appropriately, and completely packed for the day ahead. Leave the house by 7:30 a.m. Drive the children to drop-offs at three different stops and schools, the last drop-off being at 8:30 a.m. Try to circle back home to hit the gym from 9:00-10:00 a.m. Run any necessary errands for the family from 10:00-11:00 a.m., this may include stops at the grocery store, stops at dry cleaner, purchase any supplies the household needs, mail runs. Return home and organize and clean the house from 11:00-1:00 p.m. (we do not have a nanny), this includes making the beds, unloading the previous night's dishes, loading the morning dishes, picking up dirty laundry and starting a new cycle, folding and putting away the previous night's laundry, running the vacuum throughout the dirtiest areas of the house, cycling through one bedroom and one bathroom a day for a deeper cleaning. At 1:00 p.m. I eat lunch, and begin prepping and making the night's dinner. I try to shower by 1:50 p.m., so I can be out the door again by 2:10 p.m. at the latest for my first after-school pick-up at 2:30 p.m. From that point until approximately 8:00 p.m. I am constantly driving one or the other of our five children to one activity or another. DH gets home by 8:30 p.m., and we all eat dinner together. Dishes are done and loaded for the next day by 9:15 p.m., and the children are in bed or in their rooms studying for the night by 9:30 p.m. DH and I go out for a walk rain or shine until 10:00 p.m., generally followed by some great sex, and then some reading in bed. Lights out by 11:00 p.m. We have been married 19 years, and together for 22. I love my DH, I love our children, and I would not trade my days for any other .

Loving your life is fine, but from 9am - 2pm you are doing what most WOHMs (and their husbands) do in MAYBE an hour after work. You're not that busy. Own it.

No, I am doing more. Most WOHMs parents I know have either a house cleaner, or a nanny/babysitter, or both. Some also have food services, and most do not have five children. You Own it! At least I make almost 3 hours of the day for myself (1 hour at the gym, 20 minutes in the shower/ getting dressed, 30 minute walk with DH, 30 or more minutes devoted to our sex life (yummy!), and 30 minutes for reading a great book). DH does an amazing job helping with everything when he is home at nights and on weekends.

Talking about your sex life in every post makes you sound creepy and anxious to prove something. And yes, you're very busy with "mail runs" every day.

One hour is devoted to errands. One day that might be grocery shopping and a visit to the music store to have a viola repaired, another day that might involve a trip to the farmer's market, a stop by the dry cleaners, and trip with one child to the dentist or doctor (on their lunch break). Yet another day might involve a trip to the lacrosse store for some missing equipment, a stop by the school to deliver a salad for the teacher appreciation lunch, and a stop by the post office (my mail run) to submit a summer program application.

I discuss sex because I believe that it is important to the needs and fulfillment of every couple, married or not, stay-at-home or working parents, gay or straight, to enjoy a good and healthy sex life. I am sorry if all this sex talk offends your delicate sensibilities. This thread begins by asking "SAHMs, do you worry about your husband leaving you?" Umm, no!

Amen!

[Anonymous]

....and yes, I realize the PP may very well have been being sarcastic.....but I'd like people so much better if they just were happy about their choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:SAHM you don't want to know how I spend my days. Just very slowly. I only do things I like and feel like doing. It is a surprise to me when I have to rush. Don't like to so I take it easy. Spend a lot of time on vacation and at the beach, with my family and riding my horse. Takes a lot of time to do these things at a leisurely pace. Worry about money, no not so much. Our equity just keep growing. Lots of hobbies and I sculpt. Love to cook.

I'm the one that told people to "own it". Honestly, this is the type of SAHM I like. Keeping up her interests, not complaining about how hard her life is compared to everyone else. It's the kind of WOHM I like, too!

And, yes, we all Parent our children. The thing I hate the most is when a SAHM says something like "My job is TWENTY-FOUR HOURS!".....because working Moms don't come home to children and have Parenting also. We *all* work 24 hours.

And we should *all* be taking time for ourselves in order to remain interesting people.

And, lady, you had 5 kids. I will assume with you either planned them or were dumb about birth control while satisfying your wonderful sex life. I don't feel bad for you. Yes, most people don't have 5 kids.

In any case, the thread topic is just asking if you're worried about your finances, really.

New poster from above again, you sound a little bitter, but I will not judge. I am, like you, a working mother, but you put out there the fallacy that most SAHMs are enjoying the good life at the gym, the mall, and the board or bored lunches every day. That is simply not true, many are, but most American SAHMs enjoy far from the easy life you envision. The previous SAHM, it seems to me, was just setting you and us straight, by saying essentially, hey, every minute of my day is occupied by work also. In fact, you are the one imputing laziness to her. You also disparage her for not remaining interesting, but by the way, she mentioned that she does take time to better herself also through exercise, reading, and walks and time with her spouse. Again, I will not judge you because I know how hard we working mothers have it, but you seem to be the one critical of stay at home mothers, and not the other way around.

[Anonymous]

Why are we saying that the poster with five children is complaining, or is unhappy with her choices, when she herself posted that she would not trade all her days for anything different? Let's come together in solidarity mothers of all stripes, and be happy about our own choices, Own It Baby, and be happy for other women's choices as well! This includes my choice never to have children, but to support those ladies I know who do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does the mother of 5 feel the need to mention -- repeatedly -- how great her sex life is? I totally don't care, and methinks the lady dost protesteth too much. Moreover, that schedule sounds mostly awful. If I wanted to spend the greater part of my day as a maid, I wouldn't have bothered going to college and grad school. Glad it works for her, but I don't get the bragging. Who the hell wants that life??

I think that was exactly her point, that many SAHMs spend most of their days doing the "menial" tasks and difficult housework that we working mothers get to slough off on our housekeepers, babysitters, drivers, and/or cooking services. We working mothers undoubtedly put in a difficult day in the office and are rewarded with brilliant and personally satisfying career success, but it is not right of us to assume that all SAHMs are hard-bodied gym bunnies with designer tastes and lots of free time. Many, in fact, most American SAHMs are probably a lot like the previous poster -- essentially they are hard-working, glorified maid, nanny, cook, laundress, chauffeur, personal assistant, and escort rolled into one sweet, tired package It may sound like hell to you and to many working mothers (that's part of the reason we chose a different path, right?), but it short-changes these SAHMs when we suppose that a majority of their lives are an easy street on the sofa, eating bon-bons and watching the soap operas.

Thanks PP, signed a SAHM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:SAHM you don't want to know how I spend my days. Just very slowly. I only do things I like and feel like doing. It is a surprise to me when I have to rush. Don't like to so I take it easy. Spend a lot of time on vacation and at the beach, with my family and riding my horse. Takes a lot of time to do these things at a leisurely pace. Worry about money, no not so much. Our equity just keep growing. Lots of hobbies and I sculpt. Love to cook.

I'm the one that told people to "own it". Honestly, this is the type of SAHM I like. Keeping up her interests, not complaining about how hard her life is compared to everyone else. It's the kind of WOHM I like, too!

And, yes, we all Parent our children. The thing I hate the most is when a SAHM says something like "My job is TWENTY-FOUR HOURS!".....because working Moms don't come home to children and have Parenting also. We *all* work 24 hours.

And we should *all* be taking time for ourselves in order to remain interesting people.

And, lady, you had 5 kids. I will assume with you either planned them or were dumb about birth control while satisfying your wonderful sex life. I don't feel bad for you. Yes, most people don't have 5 kids.

In any case, the thread topic is just asking if you're worried about your finances, really.

New poster from above again, you sound a little bitter, but I will not judge. I am, like you, a working mother, but you put out there the fallacy that most SAHMs are enjoying the good life at the gym, the mall, and the board or bored lunches every day. That is simply not true, many are, but most American SAHMs enjoy far from the easy life you envision. The previous SAHM, it seems to me, was just setting you and us straight, by saying essentially, hey, every minute of my day is occupied by work also. In fact, you are the one imputing laziness to her. You also disparage her for not remaining interesting, but by the way, she mentioned that she does take time to better herself also through exercise, reading, and walks and time with her spouse. Again, I will not judge you because I know how hard we working mothers have it, but you seem to be the one critical of stay at home mothers, and not the other way around.

I'm not bitter about my life. I'm bitter about people listening to people whine all day about their righteous choices. In any case, I'm pretty sure my post was recognizing that we *all* work 24 hours. I didn't say their 8-12 was any less work than my 8-12. If you have small children that are home, yes, your day (in my opinion) is at least just as difficult as mine, if not more difficult. And yes, I think when Moms have kids in school and stay home all day their lives are less work than women who work outside the home and then come back to pick up their kids from school and make dinner and do laundry and pick up groceries. It just is. There is no way anyone is going to convince me otherwise. I have to do my work day AND the house work. But, once your kids are all in school, I'm sorry, no one is going to believe that your day is difficult. And, you may be politically correct and pretend you don't agree, but there's no way you don't agree.

That said, I think that a lot of men prefer their wives to stay home and would be more likely to leave if their wives decided to work. So, for some women it's not an option if they want to keep their family together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:SAHM you don't want to know how I spend my days. Just very slowly. I only do things I like and feel like doing. It is a surprise to me when I have to rush. Don't like to so I take it easy. Spend a lot of time on vacation and at the beach, with my family and riding my horse. Takes a lot of time to do these things at a leisurely pace. Worry about money, no not so much. Our equity just keep growing. Lots of hobbies and I sculpt. Love to cook.

I'm the one that told people to "own it". Honestly, this is the type of SAHM I like. Keeping up her interests, not complaining about how hard her life is compared to everyone else. It's the kind of WOHM I like, too!

And, yes, we all Parent our children. The thing I hate the most is when a SAHM says something like "My job is TWENTY-FOUR HOURS!".....because working Moms don't come home to children and have Parenting also. We *all* work 24 hours.

And we should *all* be taking time for ourselves in order to remain interesting people.

And, lady, you had 5 kids. I will assume with you either planned them or were dumb about birth control while satisfying your wonderful sex life. I don't feel bad for you. Yes, most people don't have 5 kids.

In any case, the thread topic is just asking if you're worried about your finances, really.

New poster from above again, you sound a little bitter, but I will not judge. I am, like you, a working mother, but you put out there the fallacy that most SAHMs are enjoying the good life at the gym, the mall, and the board or bored lunches every day. That is simply not true, many are, but most American SAHMs enjoy far from the easy life you envision. The previous SAHM, it seems to me, was just setting you and us straight, by saying essentially, hey, every minute of my day is occupied by work also. In fact, you are the one imputing laziness to her. You also disparage her for not remaining interesting, but by the way, she mentioned that she does take time to better herself also through exercise, reading, and walks and time with her spouse. Again, I will not judge you because I know how hard we working mothers have it, but you seem to be the one critical of stay at home mothers, and not the other way around.

I'm not bitter about my life. I'm bitter about people listening to people whine all day about their righteous choices. In any case, I'm pretty sure my post was recognizing that we *all* work 24 hours. I didn't say their 8-12 was any less work than my 8-12. If you have small children that are home, yes, your day (in my opinion) is at least just as difficult as mine, if not more difficult. And yes, I think when Moms have kids in school and stay home all day their lives are less work than women who work outside the home and then come back to pick up their kids from school and make dinner and do laundry and pick up groceries. It just is. There is no way anyone is going to convince me otherwise. I have to do my work day AND the house work. But, once your kids are all in school, I'm sorry, no one is going to believe that your day is difficult. And, you may be politically correct and pretend you don't agree, but there's no way you don't agree.

That said, I think that a lot of men prefer their wives to stay home and would be more likely to leave if their wives decided to work. So, for some women it's not an option if they want to keep their family together.

Previous poster who is a working mom, and to whom you are responding, I agree with a lot of what you describe, with the exception of your persistent characterization of stay-at-home mothers who have school age children as working any less than working mothers. Sure we working mothers work, and take care of our children, but a lot of us get help with the house cleaning, or from family or babysitters. Your characterization comes from a very privileged point of view. Visit a stay-at-home mother in most anyplace normal in America, and tell me that keeping house like cleaning bathrooms, scrubbing ovens and toilets, mopping floors, doing laundry, cooking homemade meals, mowing grass, driving the kids everywhere, etc. cannot take the better part of your life away. You admit as much yourself in saying that you do not want to spend your day as a glorified maid. As a working mom, I take some shortcuts by buying prepared meals at Whole Foods, and I allow myself the luxury of a cleaning service once a week, and a shared nanny who fixes up things three times a week. I think that if you were honest with yourself, you would admit to these things also.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:SAHM you don't want to know how I spend my days. Just very slowly. I only do things I like and feel like doing. It is a surprise to me when I have to rush. Don't like to so I take it easy. Spend a lot of time on vacation and at the beach, with my family and riding my horse. Takes a lot of time to do these things at a leisurely pace. Worry about money, no not so much. Our equity just keep growing. Lots of hobbies and I sculpt. Love to cook.

I'm the one that told people to "own it". Honestly, this is the type of SAHM I like. Keeping up her interests, not complaining about how hard her life is compared to everyone else. It's the kind of WOHM I like, too!

And, yes, we all Parent our children. The thing I hate the most is when a SAHM says something like "My job is TWENTY-FOUR HOURS!".....because working Moms don't come home to children and have Parenting also. We *all* work 24 hours.

And we should *all* be taking time for ourselves in order to remain interesting people.

And, lady, you had 5 kids. I will assume with you either planned them or were dumb about birth control while satisfying your wonderful sex life. I don't feel bad for you. Yes, most people don't have 5 kids.

In any case, the thread topic is just asking if you're worried about your finances, really.

Huh? I was the one who said to own it. But I agree with you
Sure, SAHM of 5 kids IN SCHOOL, I have breaks at work. But I'm not a martyr listing how busy I am online (mail runs.. Wtf? How inefficient are you?)
And the sex stuff ( mentioning it twice in as many posts and saying "yummy" when you're probably in your 50s? Transparently desperate and bizarre.

[Anonymous]

I am a SAHM who does the minimum amount of housework. We have a cleaning lady that comes every other week. I have always been an indifferent housekeeper. Becoming a SAHP didn't magically turn me into June Cleaver (who I thought had a maid hiding in the pantry when the cameras were rolling ). My children are in school (well until this week), I do get quite a bit of down time and me time- it is one of the perks. However, it means I am always the one who is flexible and can change my plans at the drop of a hat- that is one of the downsides.

I am at home because my children have special needs that require more intense parenting for a longer amount of time than a typical child. If we were not thrown a few curveballs in this parenting business, I would still be a wohm. We all make the best choice we can based on the options available to us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:SAHM you don't want to know how I spend my days. Just very slowly. I only do things I like and feel like doing. It is a surprise to me when I have to rush. Don't like to so I take it easy. Spend a lot of time on vacation and at the beach, with my family and riding my horse. Takes a lot of time to do these things at a leisurely pace. Worry about money, no not so much. Our equity just keep growing. Lots of hobbies and I sculpt. Love to cook.

I'm the one that told people to "own it". Honestly, this is the type of SAHM I like. Keeping up her interests, not complaining about how hard her life is compared to everyone else. It's the kind of WOHM I like, too!

And, yes, we all Parent our children. The thing I hate the most is when a SAHM says something like "My job is TWENTY-FOUR HOURS!".....because working Moms don't come home to children and have Parenting also. We *all* work 24 hours.

And we should *all* be taking time for ourselves in order to remain interesting people.

And, lady, you had 5 kids. I will assume with you either planned them or were dumb about birth control while satisfying your wonderful sex life. I don't feel bad for you. Yes, most people don't have 5 kids.

In any case, the thread topic is just asking if you're worried about your finances, really.

Huh? I was the one who said to own it. But I agree with you
Sure, SAHM of 5 kids IN SCHOOL, I have breaks at work. But I'm not a martyr listing how busy I am online (mail runs.. Wtf? How inefficient are you?)
And the sex stuff ( mentioning it twice in as many posts and saying "yummy" when you're probably in your 50s? Transparently desperate and bizarre.

Please read the thread again, the SAHM gave many examples of errands. I work and I know many people in my office who take 45 minutes to 1.25 hours off just for lunch every day, so SAHM's one hour of errands a day for a household of six people sounds pretty reasonable to me. Many SAHMs are of the June Cleaver mold, many by necessity, doing every single bit of household and child rearing work by themselves - just visit some of the immigrant mothers in Arlington (as I do in my therapy for the Co.) and tell me those SAHMs doing every bit of housework and child are on their own do not work as hard as you; while other SAHMs are of the ladies who lunch variety. Why do you care to prove so desperately that you work harder than a SAHM, guilty perhaps? I am a WOHM and I do not worry about how much or how little other moms do or do not work.

[Anonymous]

OP here. First off, I want to apologize for throwing out the adjective "lunatic" at the beginning of this thread. I didn't want to insult anybody.

I just want to say that I have learned from my own experience. XH had demanded that I SAH with our kids. Mostly so that he wouldn't have to do anything around the house. I refused and kept working. I don't earn much but the work boosts my self-esteem.

And a few years out lo and behold, he decided that life would be better with another women 15 years my junior. Since he was also a big spender, there wasn't much by way of assets to be split. So I was really glad about my decision, even if I didn't get any alimony (which educated women don't get nowadays anyway).

The question works both ways: what if you want to leave him? Why would you get trapped in a situation where you have to rationalize his fault/cheating etc (see parallel thread) and cannot afford to get out?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:SAHM you don't want to know how I spend my days. Just very slowly. I only do things I like and feel like doing. It is a surprise to me when I have to rush. Don't like to so I take it easy. Spend a lot of time on vacation and at the beach, with my family and riding my horse. Takes a lot of time to do these things at a leisurely pace. Worry about money, no not so much. Our equity just keep growing. Lots of hobbies and I sculpt. Love to cook.

I'm the one that told people to "own it". Honestly, this is the type of SAHM I like. Keeping up her interests, not complaining about how hard her life is compared to everyone else. It's the kind of WOHM I like, too!

And, yes, we all Parent our children. The thing I hate the most is when a SAHM says something like "My job is TWENTY-FOUR HOURS!".....because working Moms don't come home to children and have Parenting also. We *all* work 24 hours.

And we should *all* be taking time for ourselves in order to remain interesting people.

And, lady, you had 5 kids. I will assume with you either planned them or were dumb about birth control while satisfying your wonderful sex life. I don't feel bad for you. Yes, most people don't have 5 kids.

In any case, the thread topic is just asking if you're worried about your finances, really.

Huh? I was the one who said to own it. But I agree with you
Sure, SAHM of 5 kids IN SCHOOL, I have breaks at work. But I'm not a martyr listing how busy I am online (mail runs.. Wtf? How inefficient are you?)
And the sex stuff ( mentioning it twice in as many posts and saying "yummy" when you're probably in your 50s? Transparently desperate and bizarre.

Another previous poster, but are we Puritans in this area? As a therapist I find it refreshing that someone is open enough to express sexual desire inside a long term relationship (or in most contexts for that matter), no matter what their age. Sexual openness and sexual activity should not disappear because we are older. Open your mind and your libido will follow. PP, I hope that after your busy day at work, and your added child and home responsibilities, you find time to express and enjoy the type of life with your spouse that other posters do. You deserve it yourself, and you should not condemn it in others.