SAHMs, do you worry about your husband leaving you?

[Anonymous]

I am a SAHM. I was WOHM and hated not being there for my kids. So I quit! I am very happy now and I also have my own money. I do have it easier than many WOHMs who put in a full day of work at office and come back home and cook and clean. I also have it easier than those SAHMs that do everything at home (out of love or out of necessity) because they see it as their job description.

I am stay at home mom - not stay at home maid --- so I have maid service. DH likes to cook so I let him. we eat out a lot as well as order in a lot during the week. laundry is collaborative effort. I pick up and drop off my kids, to and from school. I make sure that my kids do their homework and academics, I am there when they are doing their sports and other activities. In short - I am home to take care of the kids needs, I am not a domestic diva - though I do host a lot.

I own it. I am not as hard working as many women on this forum - and I do not feel bad or apologetic about my lot in life.


I do not worry about DH leaving me because that will never happen. I do worry about my family's health. Otherwise I am well taken care of financially.

What about you, OP?

I read your question and felt really sad for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. First off, I want to apologize for throwing out the adjective "lunatic" at the beginning of this thread. I didn't want to insult anybody.

I just want to say that I have learned from my own experience. XH had demanded that I SAH with our kids. Mostly so that he wouldn't have to do anything around the house. I refused and kept working. I don't earn much but the work boosts my self-esteem.

And a few years out lo and behold, he decided that life would be better with another women 15 years my junior. Since he was also a big spender, there wasn't much by way of assets to be split. So I was really glad about my decision, even if I didn't get any alimony (which educated women don't get nowadays anyway).

The question works both ways: what if you want to leave him? Why would you get trapped in a situation where you have to rationalize his fault/cheating etc (see parallel thread) and cannot afford to get out?

If you are a long-term SAHM, who has given up the prime growth, development, and earning years of a potentially lucrative career to keep house and raise the kids while your spouse has developed, blossomed, and become a very high-earner because he did not have to worry about the children or the home --you will indeed be entitled to a generous division of assets, as well as generous alimony and child support, as you should be. Essentially your sacrifice has helped your spouse, in partnership with you, build a thriving livelihood, and you deserve a good deal of that "business". Most wealthy, but not Google wealthy, DHs recognize that they will have to pay up big (and cannot afford to do so without taking a big hit from their wealth), so they settle for an affair and stay with the SAHM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. PP, what do you mean? This is a serious and vital issue for many women and I am genuinely curious.

You act like it's innocent curiosity, but you say that you would have to be a lunatic to become a SAHM given divorce statistics. Why should SAHMs take your bait when you are so arrogantly insulting?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a SAHM. I was WOHM and hated not being there for my kids. So I quit! I am very happy now and I also have my own money. I do have it easier than many WOHMs who put in a full day of work at office and come back home and cook and clean. I also have it easier than those SAHMs that do everything at home (out of love or out of necessity) because they see it as their job description.

I am stay at home mom - not stay at home maid --- so I have maid service. DH likes to cook so I let him. we eat out a lot as well as order in a lot during the week. laundry is collaborative effort. I pick up and drop off my kids, to and from school. I make sure that my kids do their homework and academics, I am there when they are doing their sports and other activities. In short - I am home to take care of the kids needs, I am not a domestic diva - though I do host a lot.

I own it. I am not as hard working as many women on this forum - and I do not feel bad or apologetic about my lot in life.


I do not worry about DH leaving me because that will never happen. I do worry about my family's health. Otherwise I am well taken care of financially.

What about you, OP?

I read your question and felt really sad for you.

Why are you so confident your DH won't leave you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:SAHM you don't want to know how I spend my days. Just very slowly. I only do things I like and feel like doing. It is a surprise to me when I have to rush. Don't like to so I take it easy. Spend a lot of time on vacation and at the beach, with my family and riding my horse. Takes a lot of time to do these things at a leisurely pace. Worry about money, no not so much. Our equity just keep growing. Lots of hobbies and I sculpt. Love to cook.

^^ PP here: Don't know why I never worry about DH leaving me -- whatever happens I will think of something. In the meantime, this is my only life and I am enjoying it. Try enjoying and doing less cleaning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. First off, I want to apologize for throwing out the adjective "lunatic" at the beginning of this thread. I didn't want to insult anybody.

I just want to say that I have learned from my own experience. XH had demanded that I SAH with our kids. Mostly so that he wouldn't have to do anything around the house. I refused and kept working. I don't earn much but the work boosts my self-esteem.

And a few years out lo and behold, he decided that life would be better with another women 15 years my junior. Since he was also a big spender, there wasn't much by way of assets to be split. So I was really glad about my decision, even if I didn't get any alimony (which educated women don't get nowadays anyway).

The question works both ways: what if you want to leave him? Why would you get trapped in a situation where you have to rationalize his fault/cheating etc (see parallel thread) and cannot afford to get out?

If you are a long-term SAHM, who has given up the prime growth, development, and earning years of a potentially lucrative career to keep house and raise the kids while your spouse has developed, blossomed, and become a very high-earner because he did not have to worry about the children or the home --you will indeed be entitled to a generous division of assets, as well as generous alimony and child support, as you should be. Essentially your sacrifice has helped your spouse, in partnership with you, build a thriving livelihood, and you deserve a good deal of that "business". Most wealthy, but not Google wealthy, DHs recognize that they will have to pay up big (and cannot afford to do so without taking a big hit from their wealth), so they settle for an affair and stay with the SAHM.

Why is working long hours and being away from your family not also regarded as a sacrifice?

Honestly, why bother working hard when it's just going to be held against you by some "family lawyer"?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. First off, I want to apologize for throwing out the adjective "lunatic" at the beginning of this thread. I didn't want to insult anybody.

I just want to say that I have learned from my own experience. XH had demanded that I SAH with our kids. Mostly so that he wouldn't have to do anything around the house. I refused and kept working. I don't earn much but the work boosts my self-esteem.

And a few years out lo and behold, he decided that life would be better with another women 15 years my junior. Since he was also a big spender, there wasn't much by way of assets to be split. So I was really glad about my decision, even if I didn't get any alimony (which educated women don't get nowadays anyway).

The question works both ways: what if you want to leave him? Why would you get trapped in a situation where you have to rationalize his fault/cheating etc (see parallel thread) and cannot afford to get out?

Sounds like you married a bad guy. I can't imagine my husband insisting I stay home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. First off, I want to apologize for throwing out the adjective "lunatic" at the beginning of this thread. I didn't want to insult anybody.

I just want to say that I have learned from my own experience. XH had demanded that I SAH with our kids. Mostly so that he wouldn't have to do anything around the house. I refused and kept working. I don't earn much but the work boosts my self-esteem.

And a few years out lo and behold, he decided that life would be better with another women 15 years my junior. Since he was also a big spender, there wasn't much by way of assets to be split. So I was really glad about my decision, even if I didn't get any alimony (which educated women don't get nowadays anyway).

The question works both ways: what if you want to leave him? Why would you get trapped in a situation where you have to rationalize his fault/cheating etc (see parallel thread) and cannot afford to get out?

Sounds like you married a bad guy. I can't imagine my husband insisting I stay home.

And I say that as a SAHM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:SAHM you don't want to know how I spend my days. Just very slowly. I only do things I like and feel like doing. It is a surprise to me when I have to rush. Don't like to so I take it easy. Spend a lot of time on vacation and at the beach, with my family and riding my horse. Takes a lot of time to do these things at a leisurely pace. Worry about money, no not so much. Our equity just keep growing. Lots of hobbies and I sculpt. Love to cook.

I'm the one that told people to "own it". Honestly, this is the type of SAHM I like. Keeping up her interests, not complaining about how hard her life is compared to everyone else. It's the kind of WOHM I like, too!

And, yes, we all Parent our children. The thing I hate the most is when a SAHM says something like "My job is TWENTY-FOUR HOURS!".....because working Moms don't come home to children and have Parenting also. We *all* work 24 hours.

And we should *all* be taking time for ourselves in order to remain interesting people.

And, lady, you had 5 kids. I will assume with you either planned them or were dumb about birth control while satisfying your wonderful sex life. I don't feel bad for you. Yes, most people don't have 5 kids.

In any case, the thread topic is just asking if you're worried about your finances, really.

Huh? I was the one who said to own it. But I agree with you
Sure, SAHM of 5 kids IN SCHOOL, I have breaks at work. But I'm not a martyr listing how busy I am online (mail runs.. Wtf? How inefficient are you?)
And the sex stuff ( mentioning it twice in as many posts and saying "yummy" when you're probably in your 50s? Transparently desperate and bizarre.

Why do you feel she needs to rationalize how she spends her day. Your strange need to berate another woman for making different choices than you is what is desperate and bizarre. You may want to examine why you gave such anger towards SAHMs, it is not normal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds to me like prenups are in order. If one spouse sacrifices their career and future earning potential to be a homemaker, they need to be compensated for the possible lost future earnings. Doesn't matter if the stay at home spouse is male or female.

+1

+2

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So I should worry about him leaving me financially strapped over someone being there for my kids? Money can always be made.

By you? Not so much.

No silly. By my next husband, darlin Why do you think I work out so much?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No.

If he does, then I am educated and qualified and can get a job if/when necessary.

+1

That's why I got an education, so I wouldn't be dependent on him. I only became a SAHM after our second child was born, because financially, it made sense to stay home. My salary would basically be spent on childcare for two kids, with a little bit left over. The little bit wasn't worth the extra stress or work I would have to do once I got home (cook, baths for the kids etc.). My DH is a great guy and he would pitch in, but I know most of it would fall on me since we have 2 girls.

Actually, for EDUCATED individuals, the divorce rate is low. We are both faithful and we put our marriage first. We are in it for the long haul. Stuff could happen, but again, that's why I have a degree. I could get a job to support myself if I decided to leave or if he decided to divorce me. Frankly, it's not worth it for him to divorce me. We built a great life together and cut in half would be pretty shitty.

Actually this shows a frightening lack of "financial sense" on your part. That little bit of money that you are left with after paying for daycare is not what you give up when you quit. What you give up is that little bit of money + what you would have contributed to retirement from your earnings and the interest that would have been earned on that money + the job experience and time in position that is necessary to move to positions of increasing responsibility and pay + networking contacts you could have met while working + any raises you would have gotten during that period of working + a solid resume without large gaps that employers often see as reflecting your lack of commitment to your career.

Daycare is expensive. And I, like you, spend nearly my entire salary on childcare at this point (I have an infant). But that does not mean that it doesn't make financial sense to work. Because in only a few short years, my childcare costs will significantly decrease, and in the long term, I will come out much further ahead financially by remaining in the workforce.

Thank god you did this because being financially ahead is THE most important thing in the world. It's definitely not the human yup decided to bring into the world.

Exactly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a man and cannot speak for any women on this forum and their experience, but I can relate my mother's experience.

I recently asked her how old my brother was - he was the youngest of us - was when she went back to work. My mother was an RN and she worked at least part-time until my brother was born. My father was military and later a civilian lawyer.

She said she went back to work full-time when my brother was about 10 and the motivating factor was that a neighbor two doors down was widowed and left with virtually nothing and had to start at the bottom in terms of building up experience and a career.

So, she decided to go back to work full-time to be in the workforce and to be able to provide for herself independent of my father.

My parents were married for 45 years until my father's death, but my mother never ever regretted going back to work.

There is really no reason, especially after the kids reach full-time school age, for SAHM's to stay home, especially if they are educated and can work. Of course, this does not account for parents dealing with SNs or otherwise handicapped children.

IMO the teen years are the most important years for having a watchful parent home after school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:SAHM you don't want to know how I spend my days. Just very slowly. I only do things I like and feel like doing. It is a surprise to me when I have to rush. Don't like to so I take it easy. Spend a lot of time on vacation and at the beach, with my family and riding my horse. Takes a lot of time to do these things at a leisurely pace. Worry about money, no not so much. Our equity just keep growing. Lots of hobbies and I sculpt. Love to cook.

I'm the one that told people to "own it". Honestly, this is the type of SAHM I like. Keeping up her interests, not complaining about how hard her life is compared to everyone else. It's the kind of WOHM I like, too!

And, yes, we all Parent our children. The thing I hate the most is when a SAHM says something like "My job is TWENTY-FOUR HOURS!".....because working Moms don't come home to children and have Parenting also. We *all* work 24 hours.

And we should *all* be taking time for ourselves in order to remain interesting people.

And, lady, you had 5 kids. I will assume with you either planned them or were dumb about birth control while satisfying your wonderful sex life. I don't feel bad for you. Yes, most people don't have 5 kids.

In any case, the thread topic is just asking if you're worried about your finances, really.

Huh? I was the one who said to own it. But I agree with you
Sure, SAHM of 5 kids IN SCHOOL, I have breaks at work. But I'm not a martyr listing how busy I am online (mail runs.. Wtf? How inefficient are you?)
And the sex stuff ( mentioning it twice in as many posts and saying "yummy" when you're probably in your 50s? Transparently desperate and bizarre.

Why do you feel she needs to rationalize how she spends her day. Your strange need to berate another woman for making different choices than you is what is desperate and bizarre. You may want to examine why you gave such anger towards SAHMs, it is not normal.

I don't have anger towards SAHMs at all. My mom was one and I adored her. I didn't post the comment about "lady you had 5 kids." All I'm saying is that it's weird that pp lists what she does all day in some kind of weird attempt to justify being busy. I admit I have time to myself at work. I just don't get why she insists that she's so busy getting the viola fixed that her existence is justified. It's odd.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. First off, I want to apologize for throwing out the adjective "lunatic" at the beginning of this thread. I didn't want to insult anybody.

I just want to say that I have learned from my own experience. XH had demanded that I SAH with our kids. Mostly so that he wouldn't have to do anything around the house. I refused and kept working. I don't earn much but the work boosts my self-esteem.

And a few years out lo and behold, he decided that life would be better with another women 15 years my junior. Since he was also a big spender, there wasn't much by way of assets to be split. So I was really glad about my decision, even if I didn't get any alimony (which educated women don't get nowadays anyway).

The question works both ways: what if you want to leave him? Why would you get trapped in a situation where you have to rationalize his fault/cheating etc (see parallel thread) and cannot afford to get out?

If you are a long-term SAHM, who has given up the prime growth, development, and earning years of a potentially lucrative career to keep house and raise the kids while your spouse has developed, blossomed, and become a very high-earner because he did not have to worry about the children or the home --you will indeed be entitled to a generous division of assets, as well as generous alimony and child support, as you should be. Essentially your sacrifice has helped your spouse, in partnership with you, build a thriving livelihood, and you deserve a good deal of that "business". Most wealthy, but not Google wealthy, DHs recognize that they will have to pay up big (and cannot afford to do so without taking a big hit from their wealth), so they settle for an affair and stay with the SAHM.

But you're acting like the SAHM is making a big sacrifice. Do you know many SAHMs who are forced to stay home, or do most of them do it by choice?