Boyfriend told me he'd leave if I'm infertile. I'm considering moving on

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He wants to have children with you. If that's not possible, he still wants to have children. If you are offended that he would not stay with you no matter what, consider if you are so committed to him that you would also stay no matter what.

I would not have broken up with a man who was infertile, but I did break up with men who expressly did not want to have children, because I did. It wasn't that they were not good guys. We just wanted different things.

Does he? Sounds like he just wants a womb

This doesn't make sense either. OP didn't say she wants to be child free but is afraid to tell her bf that. And if she's infertile then he doesn't get to use her womb so based on the premise of her question, no need to worry about that, either. Ok didn't say she objects to bf wanting to use her womb. Of that's what the real issue is, she would have asked him a different question.

Of course it makes sense. Did op's boyfriend say I want kids with you? It sounds like he is only looking for someone to carry his kids!

Did OP say she wants to have kids with bf?

No.

Did OP say she doesn't want kids with bf? No.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1.

Anonymous wrote:Boyfriend of 2 years began talking about children making emphasis that he wanted them to be his. I then asked what would happen if I can't have kids. He said he would discontinue the relationship. While I recognize his right to pursue bio children, I feel uncomfortable with someone that would say something like this to me and I'm leaning towards moving on.

Has anybody had a similar experience?

2.

You are going to screen for dishonest men. You will wind up with someone who is a good liar..If you don't want to hear honest answers to difficult questions, then don't ask them.

3.

You think all men want kids?
Or that men who want kids want to trick women who don't into marrying them and then, what, replace their partners' birth control pills with aspirin tablets?

Are you insane, or is this, like, a fetish for you?

4.

Your post makes no sense and is not a response. OPs bf wants kids. So has nothing to do with men who don't. OP hasn't said she wants kids herself in the first place. I think you actually realize that's the issue here since you're talking about her birth control pills.

The only way her question "screens for dishonest men" is if either all men want kids, or the ones that do will lie to her. It's your response that makes no sense.

.

I didn't say her question screens for dishonest men. I said her entire relationship methodology screens for dishonest men. Men who will tell her what she wants to hear. .

She is also being dishonest
She doesn't want to have children with her bf or at least is not sure she can commit to that before a marital commitment is made, or ever. All she needed to do is tell him "I am not sure that I want to have kids if we get married," which is the truth of the situation. No need to talk about hypothetical infertility at all. Just a need to be honest, which she isn't

[Anonymous]

Different study, consistent results.

Women Are At Greater Risk for Partner Abandonment

Sadly, partner abandonment after a cancer diagnosis isn’t unique, and it’s more likely to happen to women. Research from the University of Michigan found that 31% of marriages that involve physical illnesses end in divorce. In addition, the study found that more men than women develop serious health problems over time, but more men leave their sick wives. This means women are doubly vulnerable to marital dissolution connected to illnesses: they are more likely to become widowed and more likely to be abandoned if they get ill.

https://www.survivingbreastcancer.org/post/partner-abandonment-and-cancer

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kids being a deal breaker is understandable, in either direction.

OP’s implication is that her BF is saying he would leave after getting married and then learning about infertility. Assuming traditional, western marriage vows, that is a red flag. Sickness/health. Richer/poorer. All that jazz.

Yes but OP deliberately created a straw man/false premise on two counts: she never said she actually wants to have kids with him at all; she isn't infertile and has no reason to believe she might be.

Most people have no reason to believe they're infertile until they try to have kids. I have completely asymptomatic endometriosis and uterine fibroids. Most people, including those with symptoms, don't discover endometriosis until they try to have children because doctors don't take the symptoms seriously until fertility issues present themselves. Fertility issues are incredibly common.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Marrying someone with infertility issues is signing up for an expensive and stressful battle. Its a different thing if it happens but walking in knowing and on top of that if wife doesn't want children then you can imagine how difficult she would make his life with infertility process and afterwards with raising those kids. They aren't not married, better be honest and find partners who both want it.

OP didn't say she has fertility issues. She was shyte testing him. He didn't tell her what she wanted to hear.

OP hasn't even stated that she actually wants to have children. Or not. Biological or otherwise.

Further, she's trying to demonize him for honestly communicating with her in response to her question.

OP, you should have asked him the real question you had in mind--would he want to stay with you if you decided you wanted to not have children?

That's the real issue hear since OP does not say she is infertile.

OP knows he wants children, she isn't sure about that. Rather than just being honest with him that she isn't sure they are compatible because she isn't sure she wants children with him (perfectly fine of she wants to be child free by the way), she frames it so she can blame him for the end of the relationship rather than being truthful about her feelings on having children.

He is not bad or evil because he has different preferences than you do OP. Youre just incompatible--he is being honest with you, you not so much with him.

"I'm considering moving on" is demonizing him? Wow, you really do believe in that Nick Fuentes "your body, mu choice" thing, don't you?

This is demonizing behavior on your part. Thanks for proving the point so easily

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1.

Anonymous wrote:Boyfriend of 2 years began talking about children making emphasis that he wanted them to be his. I then asked what would happen if I can't have kids. He said he would discontinue the relationship. While I recognize his right to pursue bio children, I feel uncomfortable with someone that would say something like this to me and I'm leaning towards moving on.

Has anybody had a similar experience?

2.

You are going to screen for dishonest men. You will wind up with someone who is a good liar..If you don't want to hear honest answers to difficult questions, then don't ask them.

3.

You think all men want kids?
Or that men who want kids want to trick women who don't into marrying them and then, what, replace their partners' birth control pills with aspirin tablets?

Are you insane, or is this, like, a fetish for you?

4.

Your post makes no sense and is not a response. OPs bf wants kids. So has nothing to do with men who don't. OP hasn't said she wants kids herself in the first place. I think you actually realize that's the issue here since you're talking about her birth control pills.

The only way her question "screens for dishonest men" is if either all men want kids, or the ones that do will lie to her. It's your response that makes no sense.

.

I didn't say her question screens for dishonest men. I said her entire relationship methodology screens for dishonest men. Men who will tell her what she wants to hear. .

She is also being dishonest
She doesn't want to have children with her bf or at least is not sure she can commit to that before a marital commitment is made, or ever. All she needed to do is tell him "I am not sure that I want to have kids if we get married," which is the truth of the situation. No need to talk about hypothetical infertility at all. Just a need to be honest, which she isn't

Women can't ask questions, now? they are limited to making declarative statements?

Is there anything about women that you don't want to control?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That's a little Henry VIII for my tastes. I think most people instinctual assume/prefer that any children they have will be biologically theirs, but telling your SO that this preference outweighs your desire to build a life with them is nuts.

If you are still willing to marry him I'd have a fertility workup now and make him pay for it. He's making it a condition of marriage it should be at his expense.

A “fertility workup” isn’t really a thing. There is no way to know if you’ll be able to conceive until you actually try to conceive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That's a little Henry VIII for my tastes. I think most people instinctual assume/prefer that any children they have will be biologically theirs, but telling your SO that this preference outweighs your desire to build a life with them is nuts.

If you are still willing to marry him I'd have a fertility workup now and make him pay for it. He's making it a condition of marriage it should be at his expense.

Also, the people harping on him would be singing a different tune if OP were a man and his girlfriend had said this.

This^. Double standards because majority of the posters here are women.

People would say he must try to stay with her even if she said she'd leave him if he was physically unable to father children? Is that what you are saying?

No one here said she has to stay with him at all. Those who are defending him for being honest, are just pointing out if they are incompatible, attempting to demonize him is asinine

Demonize him, as in stating "I'm considering moving on"?

Wow. Overreaction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That's a little Henry VIII for my tastes. I think most people instinctual assume/prefer that any children they have will be biologically theirs, but telling your SO that this preference outweighs your desire to build a life with them is nuts.

If you are still willing to marry him I'd have a fertility workup now and make him pay for it. He's making it a condition of marriage it should be at his expense.

A “fertility workup” isn’t really a thing. There is no way to know if you’ll be able to conceive until you actually try to conceive.

PP wants her to get an endo exploratory surgery just in case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Marrying someone with infertility issues is signing up for an expensive and stressful battle. Its a different thing if it happens but walking in knowing and on top of that if wife doesn't want children then you can imagine how difficult she would make his life with infertility process and afterwards with raising those kids. They aren't not married, better be honest and find partners who both want it.

OP didn't say she has fertility issues. She was shyte testing him. He didn't tell her what she wanted to hear.

OP hasn't even stated that she actually wants to have children. Or not. Biological or otherwise.

Further, she's trying to demonize him for honestly communicating with her in response to her question.

OP, you should have asked him the real question you had in mind--would he want to stay with you if you decided you wanted to not have children?

That's the real issue hear since OP does not say she is infertile.

OP knows he wants children, she isn't sure about that. Rather than just being honest with him that she isn't sure they are compatible because she isn't sure she wants children with him (perfectly fine of she wants to be child free by the way), she frames it so she can blame him for the end of the relationship rather than being truthful about her feelings on having children.

He is not bad or evil because he has different preferences than you do OP. Youre just incompatible--he is being honest with you, you not so much with him.

"I'm considering moving on" is demonizing him? Wow, you really do believe in that Nick Fuentes "your body, mu choice" thing, don't you?

This is demonizing behavior on your part. Thanks for proving the point so easily

What did OP write that you consider "demonizing him"? You accused her of it -- where is it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Flip the script. How many women leave a relationship with a man who doesn't want to reproduce?
And how many men end relationships because she wants kids?
Children are a deal breaker for many.

You're conflating "wanting to reproduce" with "discovering after marriage that you're unable to reproduce."

OP does not want to reproduce. At least she's never said that she actually wants to have kids with this guy has she?

This is the projection. OP never said anything about whether she wants to have kids one way or the other. So you assume she doesn't want them. That's not a fair assumption.

The thing at issue is whether OP cannot have children because of infertility. Mutual desire to have children is not at issue.

Exactly. She's leaving out that she doesn't want to have kids because that totally renders the issue of infertility irrelevant. She's dishonest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That's a little Henry VIII for my tastes. I think most people instinctual assume/prefer that any children they have will be biologically theirs, but telling your SO that this preference outweighs your desire to build a life with them is nuts.

If you are still willing to marry him I'd have a fertility workup now and make him pay for it. He's making it a condition of marriage it should be at his expense.

Also, the people harping on him would be singing a different tune if OP were a man and his girlfriend had said this.

This^. Double standards because majority of the posters here are women.

People would say he must try to stay with her even if she said she'd leave him if he was physically unable to father children? Is that what you are saying?

Nobody is saying if she should stay or leave, just stating the fact that lots of people date and break up if they aren't compatible. There is no need to assign blame here for personal preferences to move forward or not.

His “personal preference” reflects that he doesn’t truly love his girlfriend. That’s the issue.

His preference is for his girlfriend to not have a medical issue completely outside her control.

. Then they are compatible since OP is not infertile.

OP doesn't know whether she's has infertility?

. OP didn't say she is infertile or has any reason to believe she has any risk factors for it. So yes she knows she's fertile

[Anonymous]

Where is the "demonizing," PP?

Anonymous wrote:Boyfriend of 2 years began talking about children making emphasis that he wanted them to be his. I then asked what would happen if I can't have kids. He said he would discontinue the relationship. While I recognize his right to pursue bio children, I feel uncomfortable with someone that would say something like this to me and I'm leaning towards moving on.

Has anybody had a similar experience?

That's just deciding you might not be incompatible.

[Anonymous]

^^might not be COMPATIBLE

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Marrying someone with infertility issues is signing up for an expensive and stressful battle. Its a different thing if it happens but walking in knowing and on top of that if wife doesn't want children then you can imagine how difficult she would make his life with infertility process and afterwards with raising those kids. They aren't not married, better be honest and find partners who both want it.

OP didn't say she has fertility issues. She was shyte testing him. He didn't tell her what she wanted to hear.

OP hasn't even stated that she actually wants to have children. Or not. Biological or otherwise.

Further, she's trying to demonize him for honestly communicating with her in response to her question.

OP, you should have asked him the real question you had in mind--would he want to stay with you if you decided you wanted to not have children?

That's the real issue hear since OP does not say she is infertile.

OP knows he wants children, she isn't sure about that. Rather than just being honest with him that she isn't sure they are compatible because she isn't sure she wants children with him (perfectly fine of she wants to be child free by the way), she frames it so she can blame him for the end of the relationship rather than being truthful about her feelings on having children.

He is not bad or evil because he has different preferences than you do OP. Youre just incompatible--he is being honest with you, you not so much with him.

"I'm considering moving on" is demonizing him? Wow, you really do believe in that Nick Fuentes "your body, mu choice" thing, don't you?

This is demonizing behavior on your part. Thanks for proving the point so easily

What did OP write that you consider "demonizing him"? You accused her of it -- where is it?

OP doesn't want to have children with her bf or at least is unsure if she will ever want to.

Instead of just honestly telling him that, and splitting up due to basic incompatibility, she asks a.twisted hypothetical and demonizes him for his honest answer to make him the reason for the break up and then comes here to soother her ego by listening to many of the commenters unfairly trash him.

Yes that is exactly "demonizing."