Boyfriend told me he'd leave if I'm infertile. I'm considering moving on

[Anonymous]

I guess what I’m hearing is that he wants children so much that he cannot imagine a life without them. And not having children is a dealbreaker for him. I’d want to know more about how he said what he said. Did he say, “I’d leave you if you can’t have children” (which is abrasive and sounds kind of punitive) or did he say, “Bio-children are supremely important to me. It would break my heart but I think I’d have to end our relationship if it turned out that we couldn’t have kids”? Either way is not great, because what about adoption or other alternatives.

How does he know HE is fertile? Has he gotten himself tested?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
PS: Don't buy it if he says he "changed his mind." Do him the respect of believing him when he tells you who he is.

run

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm anti IVF and understand his desire for natural children but id dump him. You take the person as they come. I'm sure he also wants a healthy wife who can walk and talk. So he'd leave you if you became disabled, got sick, turned out to be inferile. He doesn't love you for you, you're a means to end, he feels like women are fungible.

This. He sounds like someone who would leave you if it turned out you couldn’t carry a biologically yours pregnancy , for whatever reason. This could easily be someone who would also leave you if you couldn’t drop the baby weight, or if you got fired and couldn’t find comparable employment , or if you developed leukemia. Or lost the use of your legs in a car accident. Don’t get me wrong, these things can cause turmoil in many marriages , but for him to be like “yeah I’d leave you” is an absolute gift right now. Leave him and don’t look back. Find someone who loves you for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Boyfriend of 2 years began talking about children making emphasis that he wanted them to be his. I then asked what would happen if I can't have kids. He said he would discontinue the relationship. While I recognize his right to pursue bio children, I feel uncomfortable with someone that would say something like this to me and I'm leaning towards moving on.

Has anybody had a similar experience?

Consider that it is a gift you found this out relatively early and move on without a backward glance. These are also the type of guys who’ll cut bait the minute life becomes more complicated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I guess what I’m hearing is that he wants children so much that he cannot imagine a life without them. And not having children is a dealbreaker for him. I’d want to know more about how he said what he said. Did he say, “I’d leave you if you can’t have children” (which is abrasive and sounds kind of punitive) or did he say, “Bio-children are supremely important to me. It would break my heart but I think I’d have to end our relationship if it turned out that we couldn’t have kids”? Either way is not great, because what about adoption or other alternatives.

How does he know HE is fertile? Has he gotten himself tested?

If his sperm is good he can have bio children even married to a woman with no good eggs, or a woman who can’t carry a pregnancy, or both. Surrogacy, egg donor, etc are all out there. It sounds like a red flag for him to say he’d break up with you if you couldn’t carry a naturally conceived pregnancy because it means he isn’t even willing to pursue other available options. Which is likely because he doesn’t love you

[Anonymous]

You might be dating my ex. He thought it was backwards that people got married and then had kids, because "what if they get married and then find out their partner is infertile?" He truly did not realize how offensive that sounded, to imply he would just discard an infertile girlfriend.

But, it's not him. He started talking about marriage and kids within a week of meeting me and last I heard he married a Chinese woman who needed a greencard bc that's the only person who would tolerate his love bombing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Boyfriend of 2 years began talking about children making emphasis that he wanted them to be his. I then asked what would happen if I can't have kids. He said he would discontinue the relationship. While I recognize his right to pursue bio children, I feel uncomfortable with someone that would say something like this to me and I'm leaning towards moving on.

Has anybody had a similar experience?

Consider that it is a gift you found this out relatively early and move on without a backward glance. These are also the type of guys who’ll cut bait the minute life becomes more complicated.

Agree. Leave, leave, leave.

[Anonymous]

He wants a vessel, not a wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm anti IVF and understand his desire for natural children but id dump him. You take the person as they come. I'm sure he also wants a healthy wife who can walk and talk. So he'd leave you if you became disabled, got sick, turned out to be inferile. He doesn't love you for you, you're a means to end, he feels like women are fungible.

This. He sounds like someone who would leave you if it turned out you couldn’t carry a biologically yours pregnancy , for whatever reason. This could easily be someone who would also leave you if you couldn’t drop the baby weight, or if you got fired and couldn’t find comparable employment , or if you developed leukemia. Or lost the use of your legs in a car accident. Don’t get me wrong, these things can cause turmoil in many marriages , but for him to be like “yeah I’d leave you” is an absolute gift right now. Leave him and don’t look back. Find someone who loves you for you.

This, 100%.

He’s extremely selfish and self-centered. Plot your escape.

I bet he’s shown his true colors in other areas too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
PS: Don't buy it if he says he "changed his mind." Do him the respect of believing him when he tells you who he is.

run

Fastttttt

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Having biological children is incredibly important to most people. He was just being honest. This is also a hypothetical scenario as I understand. You could end up breaking up for any other reason in the future. No need to think about it now.

Totally disagree. He’s telling her if they got married, tried to have kids, and they could not, and it was discovered to be a female reason and not a male reason, he would leave her. That’s very different than saying having bio children is important to him. It’s promising her that if she is one of the many women who cannot get pregnant for whatever reason, he will leave her while she is at her lowest point. It’s as if a woman said “if, when you turn 40, you start to go bald, I will leave you.” Something entirely outside of his control that he cannot predict. But promising him that she will devastate him emotionally if he starts to lose his hair, something he also secretly fears will happen to him. And just as stupid since there are many ways to have a child with the man’s sperm that don’t involve the woman needing to have eggs OR a uterus .

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry, but you need to break up. It sounds like you are just the means to an end (children) to him. Life has twists and turns and unexpected changes. Is this really someone you want to go through life with? It sounds like he would be quick to bail on you when life gets hard. Consider yourself lucky to find this out now.

[Anonymous]

There are quality men out there. Dump this loser.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Boyfriend of 2 years began talking about children making emphasis that he wanted them to be his. I then asked what would happen if I can't have kids. He said he would discontinue the relationship. While I recognize his right to pursue bio children, I feel uncomfortable with someone that would say something like this to me and I'm leaning towards moving on.

Has anybody had a similar experience?

You two aren't married or even engaged, a lot of things can end this. This seems like a legit reason. Just like you, he is also allowed to have convictions and not agree to things he can't compromise on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He wants to have children with you. If that's not possible, he still wants to have children. If you are offended that he would not stay with you no matter what, consider if you are so committed to him that you would also stay no matter what.

I would not have broken up with a man who was infertile, but I did break up with men who expressly did not want to have children, because I did. It wasn't that they were not good guys. We just wanted different things.

This^. So many women breakup two year relationships over dirty laundry, let alone children, which is one of the main reasons to get married for majority of humans.