Boyfriend told me he'd leave if I'm infertile. I'm considering moving on

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Marrying someone with infertility issues is signing up for an expensive and stressful battle. Its a different thing if it happens but walking in knowing and on top of that if wife doesn't want children then you can imagine how difficult she would make his life with infertility process and afterwards with raising those kids. They aren't not married, better be honest and find partners who both want it.

OP didn't say she has fertility issues. She was shyte testing him. He didn't tell her what she wanted to hear.

OP hasn't even stated that she actually wants to have children. Or not. Biological or otherwise.

Further, she's trying to demonize him for honestly communicating with her in response to her question.

OP, you should have asked him the real question you had in mind--would he want to stay with you if you decided you wanted to not have children?

That's the real issue hear since OP does not say she is infertile.

OP knows he wants children, she isn't sure about that. Rather than just being honest with him that she isn't sure they are compatible because she isn't sure she wants children with him (perfectly fine of she wants to be child free by the way), she frames it so she can blame him for the end of the relationship rather than being truthful about her feelings on having children.

He is not bad or evil because he has different preferences than you do OP. Youre just incompatible--he is being honest with you, you not so much with him.

"I'm considering moving on" is demonizing him? Wow, you really do believe in that Nick Fuentes "your body, mu choice" thing, don't you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder if OP would stay with someone who couldn't earn anymore or got impotent.

It’s very common for men to dump their partners after a cancer diagnosis, so much so that the doctors office will often mention this. Women are more likely to stick around.

Nope.

Reality resists your preconceptions about it.

In sickness and in health? For men, maybe not
SCCA study finds husbands more likely than wives to leave sick spouse
https://www.fredhutch.org/en/news/center-news/2009/11/sickness-and-health.html

A married man is six times more likely to separate from or divorce his wife soon after a diagnosis of cancer or multiple sclerosis than a married woman in the same situation, according to a study that examined the role gender played in so-called “partner abandonment.”

The study confirmed earlier research that put the overall divorce or separation rate among cancer patients at 11.6 percent, similar to the population as a whole. However, researchers were surprised by the difference in separation and divorce rates experienced by gender: 20.8 percent for female patients compared to 2.9 percent for male patients.

Educate yourself.

A 17-year old study of 515 patients with no baseline data where they didn’t even identify whether it was the husband or wife filed?

I agree. Education is warranted.

Yes, research as opposed to, what? Your gut belief?

WHat's your claim based on, if not just the thoughts in your own head?

[Anonymous]

Who does he think he is Henry VIII? Leave him now

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That's a little Henry VIII for my tastes. I think most people instinctual assume/prefer that any children they have will be biologically theirs, but telling your SO that this preference outweighs your desire to build a life with them is nuts.

If you are still willing to marry him I'd have a fertility workup now and make him pay for it. He's making it a condition of marriage it should be at his expense.

Also, the people harping on him would be singing a different tune if OP were a man and his girlfriend had said this.

This^. Double standards because majority of the posters here are women.

People would say he must try to stay with her even if she said she'd leave him if he was physically unable to father children? Is that what you are saying?

No one here said she has to stay with him at all. Those who are defending him for being honest, are just pointing out if they are incompatible, attempting to demonize him is asinine

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That's a little Henry VIII for my tastes. I think most people instinctual assume/prefer that any children they have will be biologically theirs, but telling your SO that this preference outweighs your desire to build a life with them is nuts.

If you are still willing to marry him I'd have a fertility workup now and make him pay for it. He's making it a condition of marriage it should be at his expense.

Also, the people harping on him would be singing a different tune if OP were a man and his girlfriend had said this.

This^. Double standards because majority of the posters here are women.

People would say he must try to stay with her even if she said she'd leave him if he was physically unable to father children? Is that what you are saying?

Nobody is saying if she should stay or leave, just stating the fact that lots of people date and break up if they aren't compatible. There is no need to assign blame here for personal preferences to move forward or not.

His “personal preference” reflects that he doesn’t truly love his girlfriend. That’s the issue.

His preference is for his girlfriend to not have a medical issue completely outside her control.

. Then they are compatible since OP is not infertile.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That's a little Henry VIII for my tastes. I think most people instinctual assume/prefer that any children they have will be biologically theirs, but telling your SO that this preference outweighs your desire to build a life with them is nuts.

If you are still willing to marry him I'd have a fertility workup now and make him pay for it. He's making it a condition of marriage it should be at his expense.

Also, the people harping on him would be singing a different tune if OP were a man and his girlfriend had said this.

This^. Double standards because majority of the posters here are women.

People would say he must try to stay with her even if she said she'd leave him if he was physically unable to father children? Is that what you are saying?

Nobody is saying if she should stay or leave, just stating the fact that lots of people date and break up if they aren't compatible. There is no need to assign blame here for personal preferences to move forward or not.

His “personal preference” reflects that he doesn’t truly love his girlfriend. That’s the issue.

His preference is for his girlfriend to not have a medical issue completely outside her control.

. Then they are compatible since OP is not infertile.

OP doesn't know whether she's has infertility?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Partner A: I would break it off with an infertile partner

Partner B: I would break it off with someone who would not commit to an infertile partner. Also, I am so much better than you.

Time to pull chute Partner A.

Imagine if your own partner said, “I would divorce you for developing cancer.”

Not something OP needs to worry about since they're not married, not engaged, and not partners.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:25 years ago I asked my then boyfriend if he wanted to have kids and he said yes. I told him I didn't and he said something like okay, i guess we won't have kids. We got married and he never pushed or asked, not once. I eventually changed my mind and he is the dad to two teenagers.

Wow you're allowed to change your mind?

What if your husband changed his mind first, before you did, and said he was divorcing you because you didn't want to have kids and he changed his mind about that?

Or, what if, when you changed your mind and told him you wanted to have kids, he said, "Nope
Sorry
A deals a.deal. You told me No Kids and we got married based on that. I'm getting a vasectomy tomorrow."

I'll bet you'd find a way to make him the scapegoat no matter what the scenario.

Also, he sounds like a doormat

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I guess I’m somewhat confused- did he say he would end the relationship even if married or did he say he would end the relationship if you were dating.

If it’s the latter I don’t see what could possibly be wrong with that? You are dating, biological children are important to him, and you wouldn’t be able to provide them for him. I understand that it feels bad but if you love the guy would you also want to foreclose the possibility of children to him- something that he has expressed is very important to him? If anything the ability to clearly articulate what he wants is a greenish flag for future communication patterns.

When I was dating my now-wife I told her I wanted kids and she said she was unsure and I made it clear that if she didn’t want kids we probably didn’t have a future. She also got slightly annoyed at me about that but this is just a really, really important part of life. Being on the same page in terms of what you want is important.

Now if he said if you found out after getting married he’d end the relationship, yeah, he’s a scumbag and you should dump him. There’s a whole laundry list of things that can go wrong in life and sometimes things you really want don’t work out.

You don't say whether you ended up having kids. I assume you did.?

But, your now wife got "annoyed" at you for saying no kids was a dealbreaker?

I would probably have dumped her immediately.

You're not allowed to want to have kids???

Your situation is probably closer to what happened with the OP and her bf than she's willing to admit.

Except OP is really, really unsure about having children with her bf. In fact that's what this is all about

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Flip the script. How many women leave a relationship with a man who doesn't want to reproduce?
And how many men end relationships because she wants kids?
Children are a deal breaker for many.

You're conflating "wanting to reproduce" with "discovering after marriage that you're unable to reproduce."

OP does not want to reproduce. At least she's never said that she actually wants to have kids with this guy has she?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Having biological children is incredibly important to most people. He was just being honest. This is also a hypothetical scenario as I understand. You could end up breaking up for any other reason in the future. No need to think about it now.

Totally disagree. He’s telling her if they got married, tried to have kids, and they could not, and it was discovered to be a female reason and not a male reason, he would leave her. That’s very different than saying having bio children is important to him. It’s promising her that if she is one of the many women who cannot get pregnant for whatever reason, he will leave her while she is at her lowest point. It’s as if a woman said “if, when you turn 40, you start to go bald, I will leave you.” Something entirely outside of his control that he cannot predict. But promising him that she will devastate him emotionally if he starts to lose his hair, something he also secretly fears will happen to him. And just as stupid since there are many ways to have a child with the man’s sperm that don’t involve the woman needing to have eggs OR a uterus .

So she's leaving him because she asked a rather silly counterfactual hypothetical question and he gave an answer she didn't like?

OP is a woman with commitment issues and is looking for any reason to bail, but wants to blame her decision on the other person.

Why would this be a problem for anyone?

Look. People get to stop dating for any reason, even a silly one. It doesn't mean anything in particular about them, UNLESS you think women shouldn't be able to leave men behind if they want. Are you some sort of incel?

.

NP with OP breaking up for any reason at all.
That's what being in an uncommitted "dating relationship" literally means.

Big problem with OP trying to crowd source unfair demonization of her ex bf for being honest with her.Big problem with OP not being honest about the fact that she doesn't want to have kids with him in the first place, and just wants to blame him for the breakup rather than just being incompatible

Look OP you don't need anyone's permission to break up with him but if demonizing him to a bunch of Internet strangers makes you feel better about imploding the relationship seek therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Flip the script. How many women leave a relationship with a man who doesn't want to reproduce?
And how many men end relationships because she wants kids?
Children are a deal breaker for many.

You're conflating "wanting to reproduce" with "discovering after marriage that you're unable to reproduce."

OP does not want to reproduce. At least she's never said that she actually wants to have kids with this guy has she?

This is the projection. OP never said anything about whether she wants to have kids one way or the other. So you assume she doesn't want them. That's not a fair assumption.

The thing at issue is whether OP cannot have children because of infertility. Mutual desire to have children is not at issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Kids being a deal breaker is understandable, in either direction.

OP’s implication is that her BF is saying he would leave after getting married and then learning about infertility. Assuming traditional, western marriage vows, that is a red flag. Sickness/health. Richer/poorer. All that jazz.

Yes but OP deliberately created a straw man/false premise on two counts: she never said she actually wants to have kids with him at all; she isn't infertile and has no reason to believe she might be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He wants to have children with you. If that's not possible, he still wants to have children. If you are offended that he would not stay with you no matter what, consider if you are so committed to him that you would also stay no matter what.

I would not have broken up with a man who was infertile, but I did break up with men who expressly did not want to have children, because I did. It wasn't that they were not good guys. We just wanted different things.

Does he? Sounds like he just wants a womb

This doesn't make sense either. OP didn't say she wants to be child free but is afraid to tell her bf that. And if she's infertile then he doesn't get to use her womb so based on the premise of her question, no need to worry about that, either. Ok didn't say she objects to bf wanting to use her womb. Of that's what the real issue is, she would have asked him a different question.

Of course it makes sense. Did op's boyfriend say I want kids with you? It sounds like he is only looking for someone to carry his kids!

Did OP say she wants to have kids with bf?

No.

[Anonymous]

I would dump him. Also he can still have bio children with you (donor eggs)