Reply to How to communicate to parents about reason of estrangement so they can stop the “we have no idea”?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Okay, I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that OP is between the ages of 22 and 29 years old.

OP - this is a tale as old as time, particularly between generations on either side of the "emotions are good and healthy!" divide. You grow up, you learn to be an adult, you learn to communicate, and to manage and express your emotions. Then see your parents in a whole new light - and it's sucky. They've got Faults. Big ones. Ones that you would never want in a friend or in a relationship, or with your kids, and they negatively impact your relationship with them. And just as you learned and grew and figured it out between the ages of 12 and 22, you want THEM to learn and grow and figure it out and you know life will be better for them and you guys will have a much better relationship. And if you can just communicate clearly and express yourself well and get through to them, and if they would just do the bare minimum of the objectively right thing (listening and having empathy for their beloved child) then things would be fine!

It's not. going. to. happen.

They will never change, ever. They're Boomers, right? They didn't grow up with emotional empathy being positive, they never learned how to do it, and they're not going to it now. Nothing you say will change them. They will not change. NEVER. This does NOT mean they don't love you, but that love is NEVER going to look like you think it should.

The first step is accepting this, which you clearly have not done. When you say this: "not expecting them to change, but just a little acknowledgment of my feelings from them would make a difference" - that is ABSOLUTELY expecting them to change. They don't acknowledge feelings. That's not who they are.

The second step is taking a step back and saying "have they really done something so awful that the right path is to never see them again, despite the fact that I love them and they worked their butts off to raise me." That happens, even when there's love on both sides. Were they abusive? Do they do things like constantly berate you, curse at you, are they cruel to you? Do they cross boundaries, like freaking out when you don't answer the phone, calling you 20 times in a row and then calling the police? Are they mean and nasty all the time? There are situations where no contact makes total sense, and I really feel for the people who have to deal with that.

But nothing you're saying says that no contact is the right next step. They don't want to hear anything negative and they don't express any empathy and your conversations shut down when there's conflict, so everything feels very shallow? Um, okay that's like more than 50% of Boomer parents/grandparents. This is not worth cutting them off. You need to develop some thicker skin, recognize it's not about you (if they loved me wouldn't they... no. They're emotionally stunted, so no), and set some reasonable boundaries so that you can spend time with them without tearing your hair out. So - positive stories, save your complaining for people who will get it. Find something neutral and fun to do that isn't so much talking (card games? Board games? Follow sports together?) Limit the quantity of time (quarterly?) so it's manageable for you. And ride this out.

In other words: Refusing to see your parents who you claim to love for two years its a much bigger transgression than anything they've done to you, unless you're leaving out a bunch of stuff. [/quote]

This. I’m older than OP and have my own family now but OP’s parents sound a lot like my boomer in laws. They are complete emotional potatoes and literally would not understand or probably read a 5 page letter that anyone wrote to them about something other than the weather or like some holiday tradition lol. They will never wake up from the emotional veil they have over themselves, it’s not something they even realize is there. 
That said, they’re nice people who express their love in their sort of limited ways and I’ve come around to appreciating them. Their limitedness frustrates my husband but he accepts them, tempers his expectations, and does love and care for them.  
That all said, they’re not my parents, so I get it must be hard to get this vibe from the people who raised you once you’ve grown beyond it. But I think if you want some kind of relationship you have to search for acknowledgment and emotional maturity elsewhere and just accept who they are. [/quote]

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