DH walked out, I think- what do I do now?

[Anonymous]

Early onset dementia is genetic. Any chance that’s what’s going on here?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Change the locks. What a dick.

That could wind her up in jail. Seriously. Just like changing the locks on a renter/tenant is illegal.

+1. I hate when people say this. Legally, you can't kick someone out of their own house.

[Anonymous]

Why would she lock him out and change the locks? He isn't a threat to her or the kids, he is just a tired and stressed man with childhood trauma, responsibility of his wife, kids, mom, dad and a mentally unstable brother on top of a demanding job with traveling. On top of that on weekends, he has a list of chores and activities to fulfill. He probably craves some calm and comfort.

We can understand the wife as well. She is working, mothering, choring and dealing with his mental health, her own lack of family and friends etc. She probably finds calm in being controlling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oof, I remember this. The silent treatment, the manufacturing of conflicts out of thin air when I asked him what was wrong, the feeling that I annoyed him by even existing, the entitlement to check out or stomp out knowing I would provide continuity for whatever needed to happen….finish cooking, pay the restaurant check, entertain the guests. It was horrible.

Yes he was sleeping around, but that was merely a symptom of deep, pathological selfishness, spiced up by a fun whiff of sociopathy. He was an empathy void. And boy did he hide that well before he locked me down.

You know those men who leave when the wife gets sick? Yeah. I wasn’t going to stick around and find out.

I’m sorry OP. I have been there and for me, it never got better. Maybe it will for you. But I’d take this event as the bellwether it is. With no discussion, and over a nonsense event (the plant thing? Really?), he bailed on you and your kids. Hell, he even endangered the dog by leaving the gate open.

I’m leery of men whose protective instincts of those more vulnerable don’t remain intact in moments like this. They often make bad life partners. I would insist on counseling, no two ways about it.

OP and that is what I needed to hear. Whatever is going on with DH and whatever emotions I dared to express (apparently dcum agrees with him and thinks I need to squish myself down into the tiniest lump possible and not say a word about anything ever) don’t change the fact that he sought to make himself more emotionally comfortable at the expense of one of his own kids having to miss a baseball game or a birthday party and the dog potentially running into a busy street.

Oh boy, you ARE a drama queen, aren’t you?!

She's not, actually. He's acting like a big #$%$# baby. No, you don't get to just walk out for the day, leaving your gate open and your kids/wife stuck managing the day. No, you don't get to talk to someone like he did. No, you don't get to give the silent treatment. What a child.

You both need therapy if you intend to stay with this man-child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like he's melting down and something that would/should normally be an arguement is...this.

How old is he? How old are your kids? What else is going on in your lives or his life? How stressful are your lives, typicaly, and honestly?

I would do your best to get through the day and try to be kind when he comes back. It's overwhelmingly likely he just had a meltdown and was overwhelmed. I don't think he left you. But he needs to come back and talk and apologize for stranding you and leaving the gate open. Sorry, OP!

I don’t think he left me-left me. But I don’t know what to say to get him to see how immature and unfair he is. And selfish.

I cannot imagine a scenario where I would feel like I could just walk out of the house and know that someone else was there to back me up and it wouldn’t impact anyone. I don’t understand how he perceives his place in our marriage and family life if he thinks he can just get annoyed, give someone the silent treatment, and literally walk away when things are hard for him. If I walked every time things were hard or overwhelming for me, I’d be halfway around the globe by now.

Kids are late elementary, we’re mid-40s. His job is in a straightforward or maybe even fun phase- he’s just below c-suite and has earned a lot of flexibility and opportunity. Biggest stress I can identify right now is one child switching to a new school due to bullying and we have contractors coming this week to replace the air conditioner unit.

I'm a woman and I have had times when I have felt like I needed to get away for a bit and so I did. My husband was home with the kids and they were fine. Yard work and errands can wait. Honestly, you're being just as immature, unfair, and selfish as he is. Let him have his space.

You didnt notify your spouse that you were leaving? And you did not bring your phone or say Ill be a few hours I need space?

Does anyone else find it bizarre that many on this thread think you have to “notify“ a spouse before leaving your own house? That’s bizarre and controlling.

When you have two kids who have two places to be, hell yeah you do.

[Anonymous]

I think OP's husband is calculating and using withdrawal to punish her. If OP is narrating correctly, he was giving her the silent treatment Sunday morning, and when she addressed it, he brought up a discussion they had tuesday night and an interaction at the plant store thusday night. So, for OP, this is coming from left field. he also knows that by leaving her with no word, and no way to contact him, he is throwing her off balance, especially as they had plans for the day that required both parents' involvement. This is not the same as "we had a fight and he walked away to cool off," this is strange behavior. And then when he returns that night, he doesn't discuss with her, but accuses her of being abusive when she calls him out on the silent treatment. He does not say that he needs a break, he says that there is something wrong with her. I feel for OP and maybe some posters think she is being a drama queen but I think when you are in a relationship with someone who is emotionally manipulative it can start to make you feel crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oof, I remember this. The silent treatment, the manufacturing of conflicts out of thin air when I asked him what was wrong, the feeling that I annoyed him by even existing, the entitlement to check out or stomp out knowing I would provide continuity for whatever needed to happen….finish cooking, pay the restaurant check, entertain the guests. It was horrible.

Yes he was sleeping around, but that was merely a symptom of deep, pathological selfishness, spiced up by a fun whiff of sociopathy. He was an empathy void. And boy did he hide that well before he locked me down.

You know those men who leave when the wife gets sick? Yeah. I wasn’t going to stick around and find out.

I’m sorry OP. I have been there and for me, it never got better. Maybe it will for you. But I’d take this event as the bellwether it is. With no discussion, and over a nonsense event (the plant thing? Really?), he bailed on you and your kids. Hell, he even endangered the dog by leaving the gate open.

I’m leery of men whose protective instincts of those more vulnerable don’t remain intact in moments like this. They often make bad life partners. I would insist on counseling, no two ways about it.

OP and that is what I needed to hear. Whatever is going on with DH and whatever emotions I dared to express (apparently dcum agrees with him and thinks I need to squish myself down into the tiniest lump possible and not say a word about anything ever) don’t change the fact that he sought to make himself more emotionally comfortable at the expense of one of his own kids having to miss a baseball game or a birthday party and the dog potentially running into a busy street.

Oh boy, you ARE a drama queen, aren’t you?!

She's not, actually. He's acting like a big #$%$# baby. No, you don't get to just walk out for the day, leaving your gate open and your kids/wife stuck managing the day. No, you don't get to talk to someone like he did. No, you don't get to give the silent treatment. What a child.

You both need therapy if you intend to stay with this man-child.

Yes she is. DP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think OP's husband is calculating and using withdrawal to punish her. If OP is narrating correctly, he was giving her the silent treatment Sunday morning, and when she addressed it, he brought up a discussion they had tuesday night and an interaction at the plant store thusday night. So, for OP, this is coming from left field. he also knows that by leaving her with no word, and no way to contact him, he is throwing her off balance, especially as they had plans for the day that required both parents' involvement. This is not the same as "we had a fight and he walked away to cool off," this is strange behavior. And then when he returns that night, he doesn't discuss with her, but accuses her of being abusive when she calls him out on the silent treatment. He does not say that he needs a break, he says that there is something wrong with her. I feel for OP and maybe some posters think she is being a drama queen but I think when you are in a relationship with someone who is emotionally manipulative it can start to make you feel crazy.

Yeah, but given what we have seen here ... that's probably why he needs the break.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like he's melting down and something that would/should normally be an arguement is...this.

How old is he? How old are your kids? What else is going on in your lives or his life? How stressful are your lives, typicaly, and honestly?

I would do your best to get through the day and try to be kind when he comes back. It's overwhelmingly likely he just had a meltdown and was overwhelmed. I don't think he left you. But he needs to come back and talk and apologize for stranding you and leaving the gate open. Sorry, OP!

I don’t think he left me-left me. But I don’t know what to say to get him to see how immature and unfair he is. And selfish.

I cannot imagine a scenario where I would feel like I could just walk out of the house and know that someone else was there to back me up and it wouldn’t impact anyone. I don’t understand how he perceives his place in our marriage and family life if he thinks he can just get annoyed, give someone the silent treatment, and literally walk away when things are hard for him. If I walked every time things were hard or overwhelming for me, I’d be halfway around the globe by now.

Kids are late elementary, we’re mid-40s. His job is in a straightforward or maybe even fun phase- he’s just below c-suite and has earned a lot of flexibility and opportunity. Biggest stress I can identify right now is one child switching to a new school due to bullying and we have contractors coming this week to replace the air conditioner unit.

I'm a woman and I have had times when I have felt like I needed to get away for a bit and so I did. My husband was home with the kids and they were fine. Yard work and errands can wait. Honestly, you're being just as immature, unfair, and selfish as he is. Let him have his space.

You didnt notify your spouse that you were leaving? And you did not bring your phone or say Ill be a few hours I need space?

Does anyone else find it bizarre that many on this thread think you have to “notify“ a spouse before leaving your own house? That’s bizarre and controlling.

No asking for permission would be bizarre and controlling. Letting the other PARENT know that you are leaving the house is not controlling or bizarre.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If OP is real, fact is, this guy is not going to stay married to you. Prepare accordingly, it’s the reality you are avoiding.

+100

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oof, I remember this. The silent treatment, the manufacturing of conflicts out of thin air when I asked him what was wrong, the feeling that I annoyed him by even existing, the entitlement to check out or stomp out knowing I would provide continuity for whatever needed to happen….finish cooking, pay the restaurant check, entertain the guests. It was horrible.

Yes he was sleeping around, but that was merely a symptom of deep, pathological selfishness, spiced up by a fun whiff of sociopathy. He was an empathy void. And boy did he hide that well before he locked me down.

You know those men who leave when the wife gets sick? Yeah. I wasn’t going to stick around and find out.

I’m sorry OP. I have been there and for me, it never got better. Maybe it will for you. But I’d take this event as the bellwether it is. With no discussion, and over a nonsense event (the plant thing? Really?), he bailed on you and your kids. Hell, he even endangered the dog by leaving the gate open.

I’m leery of men whose protective instincts of those more vulnerable don’t remain intact in moments like this. They often make bad life partners. I would insist on counseling, no two ways about it.

OP and that is what I needed to hear. Whatever is going on with DH and whatever emotions I dared to express (apparently dcum agrees with him and thinks I need to squish myself down into the tiniest lump possible and not say a word about anything ever) don’t change the fact that he sought to make himself more emotionally comfortable at the expense of one of his own kids having to miss a baseball game or a birthday party and the dog potentially running into a busy street.

Oh boy, you ARE a drama queen, aren’t you?!

She's not, actually. He's acting like a big #$%$# baby. No, you don't get to just walk out for the day, leaving your gate open and your kids/wife stuck managing the day. No, you don't get to talk to someone like he did. No, you don't get to give the silent treatment. What a child.

You both need therapy if you intend to stay with this man-child.

Yes she is. DP

Dp. So if your spouse disappeared for hours after an argument that would be normal to you?

[Anonymous]

Divorce the pos.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like he's melting down and something that would/should normally be an arguement is...this.

How old is he? How old are your kids? What else is going on in your lives or his life? How stressful are your lives, typicaly, and honestly?

I would do your best to get through the day and try to be kind when he comes back. It's overwhelmingly likely he just had a meltdown and was overwhelmed. I don't think he left you. But he needs to come back and talk and apologize for stranding you and leaving the gate open. Sorry, OP!

I don’t think he left me-left me. But I don’t know what to say to get him to see how immature and unfair he is. And selfish.

I cannot imagine a scenario where I would feel like I could just walk out of the house and know that someone else was there to back me up and it wouldn’t impact anyone. I don’t understand how he perceives his place in our marriage and family life if he thinks he can just get annoyed, give someone the silent treatment, and literally walk away when things are hard for him. If I walked every time things were hard or overwhelming for me, I’d be halfway around the globe by now.

Kids are late elementary, we’re mid-40s. His job is in a straightforward or maybe even fun phase- he’s just below c-suite and has earned a lot of flexibility and opportunity. Biggest stress I can identify right now is one child switching to a new school due to bullying and we have contractors coming this week to replace the air conditioner unit.

I'm a woman and I have had times when I have felt like I needed to get away for a bit and so I did. My husband was home with the kids and they were fine. Yard work and errands can wait. Honestly, you're being just as immature, unfair, and selfish as he is. Let him have his space.

You didnt notify your spouse that you were leaving? And you did not bring your phone or say Ill be a few hours I need space?

Does anyone else find it bizarre that many on this thread think you have to “notify“ a spouse before leaving your own house? That’s bizarre and controlling.

I am reading this on the phone in my garage. My spouse and 8 year old are elsewhere in the house. IDK where; I am not there.

What if my spouse and I both decided to leave the house without notifying each other at the same time?

That is why I don’t find it bizarre or controlling; sharing information like this is part of cooperating to raise a child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op none of this is okay. A loving partner does not give you the silent treatment for 5 days. A loving partner does not use withdrawal as sudden absence to maintain power and destabilize yourself

It’s fine to take a walk to cool off. It’s not okay to disappear without communicating when you are supposed to help with plans for the kids. It’s not okay to berate someone for chatting with a stranger. And I don’t think it’s okay to take 1/3 of a newborns first year off in what was probably optional travel leaving his partner with a baby and toddler.

This guy resents being married and is punishing you for it. He’s not communicating his needs, just shaming you for yours. While I get why dcum thinks you’re being dramatic it’s also because into are other classic chaser/avoidant couple. A normal person who needs to cool off does so, then comes back and talks about it. A normal person who needs a team says to their partner “hey, I can’t handle this right now. Can we talk about it later or I don’t think I can deal with this anymore, maybe you need someone else to talk with” (though a situation with a kid should be mutual), not silent treatment for 5 days.o

My advice would be to become a great rock around him and prepare for divorce. Perhaps he is willing to go to therapy but doesn’t sound like it. And do not discount an affair. So get yours in order.

I've been reading the thread and I agree with this poster. You need to use the gray rock method with him. He does not respect you and he is showing that to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Is slapping someone physical abuse? You would say absolutely yes, right? What if you were slapping them to try to get them to wake up in a medical situation - is it abuse now?

MD here and yes, this is abuse. We don’t slap our patients.

Also this was a hilarious self-own.

For a supposed doctor, you're not very bright.