DH walked out, I think- what do I do now?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP didn't show any concern about her DH leaving in a distressed mindset, only how this leaves her inconvenienced and chores unfulfilled.

Uh, yes. Because he walked out the back door without a word or her knowledge.

Very curious who this singular poster is, parked on this thread, intent on bullying OP.

There are multiple people here who disagree with you. Just accept it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Even if its all his fault and she is a perfect saint, if divorce or therapy isn't acceptable then what's the solution here?

If you decide that divorce isn't "acceptable" then you learn how to live with your situation. In that case, OP can continue stewing about her husband and growing angrier and angrier with him over time, which sounds like a lot of fun. Or, she could try to shift her mindset and make not everything about her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP didn't show any concern about her DH leaving in a distressed mindset, only how this leaves her inconvenienced and chores unfulfilled.

Uh, yes. Because he walked out the back door without a word or her knowledge.

Very curious who this singular poster is, parked on this thread, intent on bullying OP.

Definitely not a “singular poster” lol. But nice try at discrediting the 10 people who disagree with you.

+1

I am one of them but didn't write the above. There are lots of us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oof, I remember this. The silent treatment, the manufacturing of conflicts out of thin air when I asked him what was wrong, the feeling that I annoyed him by even existing, the entitlement to check out or stomp out knowing I would provide continuity for whatever needed to happen….finish cooking, pay the restaurant check, entertain the guests. It was horrible.

Yes he was sleeping around, but that was merely a symptom of deep, pathological selfishness, spiced up by a fun whiff of sociopathy. He was an empathy void. And boy did he hide that well before he locked me down.

You know those men who leave when the wife gets sick? Yeah. I wasn’t going to stick around and find out.

I’m sorry OP. I have been there and for me, it never got better. Maybe it will for you. But I’d take this event as the bellwether it is. With no discussion, and over a nonsense event (the plant thing? Really?), he bailed on you and your kids. Hell, he even endangered the dog by leaving the gate open.

I’m leery of men whose protective instincts of those more vulnerable don’t remain intact in moments like this. They often make bad life partners. I would insist on counseling, no two ways about it.

OP and that is what I needed to hear. Whatever is going on with DH and whatever emotions I dared to express (apparently dcum agrees with him and thinks I need to squish myself down into the tiniest lump possible and not say a word about anything ever) don’t change the fact that he sought to make himself more emotionally comfortable at the expense of one of his own kids having to miss a baseball game or a birthday party and the dog potentially running into a busy street.

Nobody said this OP. They responded to the fact that your DH got irritated and walked out of a room and your reaction, when he didn't come back into the room, was, in your own words: "after 10 minutes I started frantically walking through the house." No one wants to live with someone running around "frantic" because they walked out of a room. The fact that you don't understand that this is not the same thing as "not say a word about anything ever" reveals your profound immaturity. As does your ratcheting the situation up to where a child misses a birthday party or the dog is killed in the street, when your original post suggests nothing beyond a quiet afternoon at home.

He's probably close to done with your emotional immaturity. You better get a handle on your behavior or next time the car and phone will be gone as well.

He left the house without notifying his spouse. That fact that is okay with anyone on this board shows this area is full of sociopaths.

Let's walk through this - how do you think it would have gone if he had used his words and told OP that he needed to take a breather? Seriously, walk me through it.

Husband: I am really upset about this situation and I do not know how to talk to you about it right now. I need some space so that we can have a discussion and not a fight. Can I please take an hour and just go for a walk?
OP: Absolutely not! We have to go to Target because I decided that both of us needed to run that errands and you need to mow the lawn and and and and

See?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like he's melting down and something that would/should normally be an arguement is...this.

How old is he? How old are your kids? What else is going on in your lives or his life? How stressful are your lives, typicaly, and honestly?

I would do your best to get through the day and try to be kind when he comes back. It's overwhelmingly likely he just had a meltdown and was overwhelmed. I don't think he left you. But he needs to come back and talk and apologize for stranding you and leaving the gate open. Sorry, OP!

I don’t think he left me-left me. But I don’t know what to say to get him to see how immature and unfair he is. And selfish.

I cannot imagine a scenario where I would feel like I could just walk out of the house and know that someone else was there to back me up and it wouldn’t impact anyone. I don’t understand how he perceives his place in our marriage and family life if he thinks he can just get annoyed, give someone the silent treatment, and literally walk away when things are hard for him. If I walked every time things were hard or overwhelming for me, I’d be halfway around the globe by now.

Kids are late elementary, we’re mid-40s. His job is in a straightforward or maybe even fun phase- he’s just below c-suite and has earned a lot of flexibility and opportunity. Biggest stress I can identify right now is one child switching to a new school due to bullying and we have contractors coming this week to replace the air conditioner unit.

I'm a woman and I have had times when I have felt like I needed to get away for a bit and so I did. My husband was home with the kids and they were fine. Yard work and errands can wait. Honestly, you're being just as immature, unfair, and selfish as he is. Let him have his space.

You didnt notify your spouse that you were leaving? And you did not bring your phone or say Ill be a few hours I need space?

Well, my spouse isn't like OP so I was able to let him know that I needed some space and he agreed that it was fine. OP doesn't sound like that kind of spouse, so yeah, her husband had to just leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Even if its all his fault and she is a perfect saint, if divorce or therapy isn't acceptable then what's the solution here?

OP does not want a solution; she wants to run frantic through her house and post on here with histrionics.

OP and the reason I was running frantically through the house is that it was incredibly unusual for him to disappear and when his sibling disappeared similarly it was because of a self-harm attempt in their parents’ basement. So my brain went straight there.

So it's incredibly unusual for him to disappear like that and he did it ONCE and you decided that he needed to be berated for it instead of being like, wow, he must have been really upset, perhaps I shouldn't just start yelling at him when he walks back through the door. Do you even hear yourself?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Call the cops and report him missing.

Do NOT waste the cops' time reporting someone missing after 90 minutes. You people are crazy.

He has a family history of VERY early onset dementia and I’m not convinced that the cops’ time is being well-spent on other things.

Well, you should be, because they're not going to go looking for him after 90 minutes. Just so you know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why couldn't OP drop kid off st baseball and other at party? Do parents have to stay at both events?

I’ll say it slowly so you understand. It’s both parents’ jobs to parent. They can divide and conquer, or one person can do it, but you can’t vanish with no phone, no explanation, and no previously discussed plan. If you want no obligations to others, remain single and childless.

My God how do you people function in life? This is like explaining to a toddler how to wash their hands.

You sound like a real peach.

When one of us is sick, or busy, or whatever, the other one steps up. Your marriage sounds like a nightmare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oof, I remember this. The silent treatment, the manufacturing of conflicts out of thin air when I asked him what was wrong, the feeling that I annoyed him by even existing, the entitlement to check out or stomp out knowing I would provide continuity for whatever needed to happen….finish cooking, pay the restaurant check, entertain the guests. It was horrible.

Yes he was sleeping around, but that was merely a symptom of deep, pathological selfishness, spiced up by a fun whiff of sociopathy. He was an empathy void. And boy did he hide that well before he locked me down.

You know those men who leave when the wife gets sick? Yeah. I wasn’t going to stick around and find out.

I’m sorry OP. I have been there and for me, it never got better. Maybe it will for you. But I’d take this event as the bellwether it is. With no discussion, and over a nonsense event (the plant thing? Really?), he bailed on you and your kids. Hell, he even endangered the dog by leaving the gate open.

I’m leery of men whose protective instincts of those more vulnerable don’t remain intact in moments like this. They often make bad life partners. I would insist on counseling, no two ways about it.

OP and that is what I needed to hear. Whatever is going on with DH and whatever emotions I dared to express (apparently dcum agrees with him and thinks I need to squish myself down into the tiniest lump possible and not say a word about anything ever) don’t change the fact that he sought to make himself more emotionally comfortable at the expense of one of his own kids having to miss a baseball game or a birthday party and the dog potentially running into a busy street.

Nobody said this OP. They responded to the fact that your DH got irritated and walked out of a room and your reaction, when he didn't come back into the room, was, in your own words: "after 10 minutes I started frantically walking through the house." No one wants to live with someone running around "frantic" because they walked out of a room. The fact that you don't understand that this is not the same thing as "not say a word about anything ever" reveals your profound immaturity. As does your ratcheting the situation up to where a child misses a birthday party or the dog is killed in the street, when your original post suggests nothing beyond a quiet afternoon at home.

He's probably close to done with your emotional immaturity. You better get a handle on your behavior or next time the car and phone will be gone as well.

He left the house without notifying his spouse. That fact that is okay with anyone on this board shows this area is full of sociopaths.

Let's walk through this - how do you think it would have gone if he had used his words and told OP that he needed to take a breather? Seriously, walk me through it.

Husband: I am really upset about this situation and I do not know how to talk to you about it right now. I need some space so that we can have a discussion and not a fight. Can I please take an hour and just go for a walk?
OP: Absolutely not! We have to go to Target because I decided that both of us needed to run that errands and you need to mow the lawn and and and and

See?

Yep! At best.

[Anonymous]

So, did this guy ever return? If so, how long was he actually missing and did he have an excuse?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why couldn't OP drop kid off st baseball and other at party? Do parents have to stay at both events?

I’ll say it slowly so you understand. It’s both parents’ jobs to parent. They can divide and conquer, or one person can do it, but you can’t vanish with no phone, no explanation, and no previously discussed plan. If you want no obligations to others, remain single and childless.

My God how do you people function in life? This is like explaining to a toddler how to wash their hands.

You sound like a real peach.

When one of us is sick, or busy, or whatever, the other one steps up. Your marriage sounds like a nightmare.

Steps up like walking out on the family with no phone or notice? Oh right, you mean OP steps up. Do keep defending the DH here though. It seems to be going well.

[Anonymous]

Your husband has every right to walk away when upset + angry…..

However not if one of your children needs to be somewhere as well as not if he leaves the gate open where your dog could have gotten loose and run away, got hit by a car or even stolen.

Can you imagine if you as the Mother did this??!
People would be judging you so harshly!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like he's melting down and something that would/should normally be an arguement is...this.

How old is he? How old are your kids? What else is going on in your lives or his life? How stressful are your lives, typicaly, and honestly?

I would do your best to get through the day and try to be kind when he comes back. It's overwhelmingly likely he just had a meltdown and was overwhelmed. I don't think he left you. But he needs to come back and talk and apologize for stranding you and leaving the gate open. Sorry, OP!

I don’t think he left me-left me. But I don’t know what to say to get him to see how immature and unfair he is. And selfish.

I cannot imagine a scenario where I would feel like I could just walk out of the house and know that someone else was there to back me up and it wouldn’t impact anyone. I don’t understand how he perceives his place in our marriage and family life if he thinks he can just get annoyed, give someone the silent treatment, and literally walk away when things are hard for him. If I walked every time things were hard or overwhelming for me, I’d be halfway around the globe by now.

Kids are late elementary, we’re mid-40s. His job is in a straightforward or maybe even fun phase- he’s just below c-suite and has earned a lot of flexibility and opportunity. Biggest stress I can identify right now is one child switching to a new school due to bullying and we have contractors coming this week to replace the air conditioner unit.

I'm a woman and I have had times when I have felt like I needed to get away for a bit and so I did. My husband was home with the kids and they were fine. Yard work and errands can wait. Honestly, you're being just as immature, unfair, and selfish as he is. Let him have his space.

You didnt notify your spouse that you were leaving? And you did not bring your phone or say Ill be a few hours I need space?

Does anyone else find it bizarre that many on this thread think you have to “notify“ a spouse before leaving your own house? That’s bizarre and controlling.

When you have two kids who have two places to be, hell yeah you do.

Yeah if each parent thinks it’s ok to just leave without telling the other, that leaves the kids without supervision or a ride. If no kids, it’s just common courtesy to let your spouse know. If you’re living with spouse in more of a roommate-like situation than a partnership then sure, it’s fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why couldn't OP drop kid off st baseball and other at party? Do parents have to stay at both events?

I’ll say it slowly so you understand. It’s both parents’ jobs to parent. They can divide and conquer, or one person can do it, but you can’t vanish with no phone, no explanation, and no previously discussed plan. If you want no obligations to others, remain single and childless.

My God how do you people function in life? This is like explaining to a toddler how to wash their hands.

You sound like a real peach.

When one of us is sick, or busy, or whatever, the other one steps up. Your marriage sounds like a nightmare.

Steps up like walking out on the family with no phone or notice? Oh right, you mean OP steps up. Do keep defending the DH here though. It seems to be going well.

Yeah, your team OP is really flourishing here.

Enjoy the drama and the demands. Some of us function as actual humans.

[Anonymous]

I got a wife and kids in Baltimore. I took a wrong turn and I never went back.