DH walked out, I think- what do I do now?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Once all is settled, both wow to not give each other silent treatment to avoid fights but instead mention need of a pause to process thoughts or handle the matter at a different time. Take life easy and don't overwhelm yourself either.

I’m OP and I don’t think I can make him how to do anything…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He’s having an affair and is looking for a way to make you the bad spouse so he can justify his actions.

OP and I cannot imagine anyone having an affair with him. He is mine and I married him for many reasons, but I really don’t think he is the type to put the energy into an affair (he is low-energy in general) nor could he attract the attention of other women.

[Anonymous]

How was he with your first kid?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He’s having an affair and is looking for a way to make you the bad spouse so he can justify his actions.

OP and I cannot imagine anyone having an affair with him. He is mine and I married him for many reasons, but I really don’t think he is the type to put the energy into an affair (he is low-energy in general) nor could he attract the attention of other women.

I'm not arguing either way. I'm just going to put it out there that you really don't know what a person is capable of. I don't think my husband could attract another woman, he also seems quite low energy, but when I step back and think about his good qualities - he could attract somebody. And he could be capable of an affair. Hormones and sex are POWERFUL.

But, either way, your husband is acting erratically and strangely. Maybe a few sessions of counselling to get talking?

[Anonymous]

Sounds like he is completely overwhelmed and shut down OP. He needs some help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like he is completely overwhelmed and shut down OP. He needs some help.

+1 Something is clearly going on with him. DCUM can't help you with this, OP.

[Anonymous]

If he comes home stop being an emotional whiner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We had a busy afternoon planned with a kid activity, yard work, and a couple of errands. DH hadn’t been talking to me all morning and finally I asked what was going on. He brought up something I said Tuesday night and said it was too emotional and I needed to stop expecting him to listen to my feelings and he was over it. I was shocked and said wait what, so I deserve the silent treatment for that and why didn’t you say something Tuesday? (Btw, the “too much emotion” thing was me saying that I was upset and worried and something that had happened to one of our kids at school and I asked him for his input on how to deal with it.) He said he was tired of me expecting other people to listen to my feelings and then he brought up feeling annoyed that I made small talk with someone yesterday while we were running errands.

Anyway, after he said all this he walked out of the room. I thought he was going to come back but he didn’t so after 10 minutes I started frantically walking through the house trying to figure out what was going on.

His phone and car are here but his keys are gone and he left the back gate gaping- the dog was back there but luckily the dog was freaked out and didn’t run away. He’s gone, and has been for 90 minutes.

So DH has literally walked out, I have two kids that need to be in two different places and an afternoon of errands and other stuff, and no way to know what’s going on or how to contact him. The kids are saying “where did daddy go?” And I’m like, “I think he had to go get soemthing.” I don’t even know why I’m protecting him.

Assuming he comes back (?!), what tf do I even say? This is crazy, right?

Maybe you are too emotional or talk too much about "feelings" and what not, and he just needed a break for a little while.

Let him cool off. DON'T make a big deal about it and get all emtional or want to "talk about feelings". That's never a good idea with a man.

[Anonymous]

Let him talk a walk and calm down, FFS. He needs a break.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like he is completely overwhelmed and shut down OP. He needs some help.

+1 Something is clearly going on with him. DCUM can't help you with this, OP.

Agree, and you need to ask him what's the matter and really, really listen without comment. You need to be open to you needing to change and open to the idea that he is having problems even if you feel he shouldn't have them or feeling like he shouldn't criticize you or tyat he shoukd approach things differently or be different. You need to see what's going on without judgment. You may be surprised what you find out.

[Anonymous]

Change the locks. What a dick.

[Anonymous]

Oof, I remember this. The silent treatment, the manufacturing of conflicts out of thin air when I asked him what was wrong, the feeling that I annoyed him by even existing, the entitlement to check out or stomp out knowing I would provide continuity for whatever needed to happen….finish cooking, pay the restaurant check, entertain the guests. It was horrible.

Yes he was sleeping around, but that was merely a symptom of deep, pathological selfishness, spiced up by a fun whiff of sociopathy. He was an empathy void. And boy did he hide that well before he locked me down.

You know those men who leave when the wife gets sick? Yeah. I wasn’t going to stick around and find out.

I’m sorry OP. I have been there and for me, it never got better. Maybe it will for you. But I’d take this event as the bellwether it is. With no discussion, and over a nonsense event (the plant thing? Really?), he bailed on you and your kids. Hell, he even endangered the dog by leaving the gate open.

I’m leery of men whose protective instincts of those more vulnerable don’t remain intact in moments like this. They often make bad life partners. I would insist on counseling, no two ways about it.

[Anonymous]

He's cheating on you most likely and went to hang out with her

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Change the locks. What a dick.

That could wind her up in jail. Seriously. Just like changing the locks on a renter/tenant is illegal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We had a busy afternoon planned with a kid activity, yard work, and a couple of errands. DH hadn’t been talking to me all morning and finally I asked what was going on. He brought up something I said Tuesday night and said it was too emotional and I needed to stop expecting him to listen to my feelings and he was over it. I was shocked and said wait what, so I deserve the silent treatment for that and why didn’t you say something Tuesday? (Btw, the “too much emotion” thing was me saying that I was upset and worried and something that had happened to one of our kids at school and I asked him for his input on how to deal with it.) He said he was tired of me expecting other people to listen to my feelings and then he brought up feeling annoyed that I made small talk with someone yesterday while we were running errands.

Anyway, after he said all this he walked out of the room. I thought he was going to come back but he didn’t so after 10 minutes I started frantically walking through the house trying to figure out what was going on.

His phone and car are here but his keys are gone and he left the back gate gaping- the dog was back there but luckily the dog was freaked out and didn’t run away. He’s gone, and has been for 90 minutes.

So DH has literally walked out, I have two kids that need to be in two different places and an afternoon of errands and other stuff, and no way to know what’s going on or how to contact him. The kids are saying “where did daddy go?” And I’m like, “I think he had to go get soemthing.” I don’t even know why I’m protecting him.

Assuming he comes back (?!), what tf do I even say? This is crazy, right?

It's pretty clear, even from your post, why he can't stand your "emotional" behavior, OP. And what is this "I don't know why I'm protecting him" stuff? Do you not understand that you shouldn't be putting this on your kids? You think you are protecting "him" by not dragging your kids into this?

If his phone and car are there, he's just out for a walk to cool his head by getting away from you. Just manage yourself and the kids; get done what you can.

But yeah, it's crazy. But I'm pretty sure it's you that's making it so.