DH walked out, I think- what do I do now?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oof, I remember this. The silent treatment, the manufacturing of conflicts out of thin air when I asked him what was wrong, the feeling that I annoyed him by even existing, the entitlement to check out or stomp out knowing I would provide continuity for whatever needed to happen….finish cooking, pay the restaurant check, entertain the guests. It was horrible.

Yes he was sleeping around, but that was merely a symptom of deep, pathological selfishness, spiced up by a fun whiff of sociopathy. He was an empathy void. And boy did he hide that well before he locked me down.

You know those men who leave when the wife gets sick? Yeah. I wasn’t going to stick around and find out.

I’m sorry OP. I have been there and for me, it never got better. Maybe it will for you. But I’d take this event as the bellwether it is. With no discussion, and over a nonsense event (the plant thing? Really?), he bailed on you and your kids. Hell, he even endangered the dog by leaving the gate open.

I’m leery of men whose protective instincts of those more vulnerable don’t remain intact in moments like this. They often make bad life partners. I would insist on counseling, no two ways about it.

OP and that is what I needed to hear. Whatever is going on with DH and whatever emotions I dared to express (apparently dcum agrees with him and thinks I need to squish myself down into the tiniest lump possible and not say a word about anything ever) don’t change the fact that he sought to make himself more emotionally comfortable at the expense of one of his own kids having to miss a baseball game or a birthday party and the dog potentially running into a busy street.

Nobody said this OP. They responded to the fact that your DH got irritated and walked out of a room and your reaction, when he didn't come back into the room, was, in your own words: "after 10 minutes I started frantically walking through the house." No one wants to live with someone running around "frantic" because they walked out of a room. The fact that you don't understand that this is not the same thing as "not say a word about anything ever" reveals your profound immaturity. As does your ratcheting the situation up to where a child misses a birthday party or the dog is killed in the street, when your original post suggests nothing beyond a quiet afternoon at home.

He's probably close to done with your emotional immaturity. You better get a handle on your behavior or next time the car and phone will be gone as well.

He left the house without notifying his spouse. That fact that is okay with anyone on this board shows this area is full of sociopaths.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like he's melting down and something that would/should normally be an arguement is...this.

How old is he? How old are your kids? What else is going on in your lives or his life? How stressful are your lives, typicaly, and honestly?

I would do your best to get through the day and try to be kind when he comes back. It's overwhelmingly likely he just had a meltdown and was overwhelmed. I don't think he left you. But he needs to come back and talk and apologize for stranding you and leaving the gate open. Sorry, OP!

I don’t think he left me-left me. But I don’t know what to say to get him to see how immature and unfair he is. And selfish.

I cannot imagine a scenario where I would feel like I could just walk out of the house and know that someone else was there to back me up and it wouldn’t impact anyone. I don’t understand how he perceives his place in our marriage and family life if he thinks he can just get annoyed, give someone the silent treatment, and literally walk away when things are hard for him. If I walked every time things were hard or overwhelming for me, I’d be halfway around the globe by now.

Kids are late elementary, we’re mid-40s. His job is in a straightforward or maybe even fun phase- he’s just below c-suite and has earned a lot of flexibility and opportunity. Biggest stress I can identify right now is one child switching to a new school due to bullying and we have contractors coming this week to replace the air conditioner unit.

I'm a woman and I have had times when I have felt like I needed to get away for a bit and so I did. My husband was home with the kids and they were fine. Yard work and errands can wait. Honestly, you're being just as immature, unfair, and selfish as he is. Let him have his space.

You didnt notify your spouse that you were leaving? And you did not bring your phone or say Ill be a few hours I need space?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So he was annoyed that you expected him to sit and listen to you cry and/or rant about the school situation and then you expected him to stand quietly while you chatted with some random person you didn’t even really want to talk to while he was waiting for you?

We were at a plant nursery and a woman in line with us noticed we were buying the same plant and shared her ideas about it and asked what I was going to do with mine. He said it was ridiculous that I felt the need to respond to her and why did I have to be like that.

I didn’t cry or rant about the school thing. I said I was really upset and worried about x thing that school told us had happened and wondered how we should talk to DD and how we should respond to school. He said nothing was going to fix it so we should just tell school it was fine and I should stop wasting everyone’s time on it.

You know he’s insane, right? He must have a horrible time in the world. What a petty little b. Do you like him? He sounds absolutely insufferable. Has he always been? What a miserable existence.

He’s probably always been insufferable but has always told me I’m in the wrong. As someone who is really adaptable and flexible and has a ton of empathy, I’ve usually been very thoughtful about his “feedback.” But I think I was actually just contorting myself in an attempt to manage his reactions. Honestly, it’s hard to see it clearly from inside this mess, and my family and friends not being here to witness the everyday makes it harder because I don’t have anyone observing it and saying it’s normal or not.

I will say that when my friends visit or we have rare social occasions, it’s like he can flip a switch when he wants to and play nice. But he can also withdraw and sulk to sort of punish me for social obligations, and that’s when I feel like I scramble to cover for him so I won’t lose all my connections completely.

Also he did come back tonight, pretending everything is normal, and when I tried to say that the silent treatment is inappropriate and abusive, he told me I’m abusing him and smirked at me and walked to another room.

Thank you for update. Sounds like a challenging situation. Was his upbringing dysfunctional? How are his parents?

Very mentally ill sibling who is in and out of inpatient but it was hidden from me until well after we were married. FIL is kind but would be diagnosed with ASD now, and his dementia became incapacitating when he was relatively young and we were first married (late 50s) so I don’t know much about him. MIL is a gem but I think she has probably spent her life scrambling around to cover stuff up and there is a ton of shame and secrecy which I’m sure did not help DH’s emotional development.

OP, this man has a profoundly dysfunctional family of origin. I would also bet that if you get below the surface you will find that MIL is NOT “a gem.”

If he does not go to therapy (probably a lot of it), things are not going to get better—and chances are good that they will get worse. Plan accordingly. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Even if its all his fault and she is a perfect saint, if divorce or therapy isn't acceptable then what's the solution here?

OP does not want a solution; she wants to run frantic through her house and post on here with histrionics.

OP and the reason I was running frantically through the house is that it was incredibly unusual for him to disappear and when his sibling disappeared similarly it was because of a self-harm attempt in their parents’ basement. So my brain went straight there.

[Anonymous]

If OP is real, fact is, this guy is not going to stay married to you. Prepare accordingly, it’s the reality you are avoiding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Call the cops and report him missing.

Do NOT waste the cops' time reporting someone missing after 90 minutes. You people are crazy.

He has a family history of VERY early onset dementia and I’m not convinced that the cops’ time is being well-spent on other things.

[Anonymous]

Get his mother to understand this situation and try to get him to seek therapy. Even if you two get divorced, he is father of your children and his health is always going to be your concern. Be kind to him knowing that its not personal, he can't help it unless he's helped and your demands of him to act like an average person are unrealistic and unkind. You too need to seek therapy, find a tele health provide to save time.

[Anonymous]

Why couldn't OP drop kid off st baseball and other at party? Do parents have to stay at both events?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why couldn't OP drop kid off st baseball and other at party? Do parents have to stay at both events?

I’ll say it slowly so you understand. It’s both parents’ jobs to parent. They can divide and conquer, or one person can do it, but you can’t vanish with no phone, no explanation, and no previously discussed plan. If you want no obligations to others, remain single and childless.

My God how do you people function in life? This is like explaining to a toddler how to wash their hands.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why couldn't OP drop kid off st baseball and other at party? Do parents have to stay at both events?

I’ll say it slowly so you understand. It’s both parents’ jobs to parent. They can divide and conquer, or one person can do it, but you can’t vanish with no phone, no explanation, and no previously discussed plan. If you want no obligations to others, remain single and childless.

My God how do you people function in life? This is like explaining to a toddler how to wash their hands.

An emphatic +1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Even if its all his fault and she is a perfect saint, if divorce or therapy isn't acceptable then what's the solution here?

OP does not want a solution; she wants to run frantic through her house and post on here with histrionics.

I think you need to relearn the definition of histrionics.

I think you do. The title of this thread alone, implying that her DH might have “walked out” on her when it turns out he really just walked out the back door for a bit. And that’s just the title of the thread, it’s been nonstop, crazy drama and attention seeking ever since.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like he's melting down and something that would/should normally be an arguement is...this.

How old is he? How old are your kids? What else is going on in your lives or his life? How stressful are your lives, typicaly, and honestly?

I would do your best to get through the day and try to be kind when he comes back. It's overwhelmingly likely he just had a meltdown and was overwhelmed. I don't think he left you. But he needs to come back and talk and apologize for stranding you and leaving the gate open. Sorry, OP!

I don’t think he left me-left me. But I don’t know what to say to get him to see how immature and unfair he is. And selfish.

I cannot imagine a scenario where I would feel like I could just walk out of the house and know that someone else was there to back me up and it wouldn’t impact anyone. I don’t understand how he perceives his place in our marriage and family life if he thinks he can just get annoyed, give someone the silent treatment, and literally walk away when things are hard for him. If I walked every time things were hard or overwhelming for me, I’d be halfway around the globe by now.

Kids are late elementary, we’re mid-40s. His job is in a straightforward or maybe even fun phase- he’s just below c-suite and has earned a lot of flexibility and opportunity. Biggest stress I can identify right now is one child switching to a new school due to bullying and we have contractors coming this week to replace the air conditioner unit.

I'm a woman and I have had times when I have felt like I needed to get away for a bit and so I did. My husband was home with the kids and they were fine. Yard work and errands can wait. Honestly, you're being just as immature, unfair, and selfish as he is. Let him have his space.

You didnt notify your spouse that you were leaving? And you did not bring your phone or say Ill be a few hours I need space?

Does anyone else find it bizarre that many on this thread think you have to “notify“ a spouse before leaving your own house? That’s bizarre and controlling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Even if its all his fault and she is a perfect saint, if divorce or therapy isn't acceptable then what's the solution here?

OP does not want a solution; she wants to run frantic through her house and post on here with histrionics.

OP and the reason I was running frantically through the house is that it was incredibly unusual for him to disappear and when his sibling disappeared similarly it was because of a self-harm attempt in their parents’ basement. So my brain went straight there.

Mmm hmmm. Sure.

If you were running through the house looking for him, then you didn’t know he had “disappeared“ yet. You didn’t yet know he left the house. That’s why you were looking for him in the house. Quit trying to explain your ridiculous behavior away. You’re a drama queen and attention seeking and I can see why he got the heck out of there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why couldn't OP drop kid off st baseball and other at party? Do parents have to stay at both events?

Of course, not. If she did that then she wouldn’t be able to blame DH for one of the kids missing something. She wouldn’t be able to come on here and claim that one of her kids missed something because her DH went for a freaking walk.

I’m actually not convinced that she didn’t take them both to their activities; she’s probably just saying that she couldn’t because she wants to make the story look worse and get more sympathy for herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Call the cops and report him missing.

Do NOT waste the cops' time reporting someone missing after 90 minutes. You people are crazy.

He has a family history of VERY early onset dementia and I’m not convinced that the cops’ time is being well-spent on other things.

Trolling