DH walked out, I think- what do I do now?

[Anonymous]

We had a busy afternoon planned with a kid activity, yard work, and a couple of errands. DH hadn’t been talking to me all morning and finally I asked what was going on. He brought up something I said Tuesday night and said it was too emotional and I needed to stop expecting him to listen to my feelings and he was over it. I was shocked and said wait what, so I deserve the silent treatment for that and why didn’t you say something Tuesday? (Btw, the “too much emotion” thing was me saying that I was upset and worried and something that had happened to one of our kids at school and I asked him for his input on how to deal with it.) He said he was tired of me expecting other people to listen to my feelings and then he brought up feeling annoyed that I made small talk with someone yesterday while we were running errands.

Anyway, after he said all this he walked out of the room. I thought he was going to come back but he didn’t so after 10 minutes I started frantically walking through the house trying to figure out what was going on.

His phone and car are here but his keys are gone and he left the back gate gaping- the dog was back there but luckily the dog was freaked out and didn’t run away. He’s gone, and has been for 90 minutes.

So DH has literally walked out, I have two kids that need to be in two different places and an afternoon of errands and other stuff, and no way to know what’s going on or how to contact him. The kids are saying “where did daddy go?” And I’m like, “I think he had to go get soemthing.” I don’t even know why I’m protecting him.

Assuming he comes back (?!), what tf do I even say? This is crazy, right?

[Anonymous]

Sounds like he's melting down and something that would/should normally be an arguement is...this.

How old is he? How old are your kids? What else is going on in your lives or his life? How stressful are your lives, typicaly, and honestly?

I would do your best to get through the day and try to be kind when he comes back. It's overwhelmingly likely he just had a meltdown and was overwhelmed. I don't think he left you. But he needs to come back and talk and apologize for stranding you and leaving the gate open. Sorry, OP!

[Anonymous]

I’m assuming this has happened before - many, many times. One does not become a man-child overnight. How did you handle it in the past?

I wouldn’t stay married to someone like this; it’s that pathetic. Can you leave?

[Anonymous]

And if this is a new behavior - brain tumor? Onset of mental illness? Medication side-effects? Affair?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like he's melting down and something that would/should normally be an arguement is...this.

How old is he? How old are your kids? What else is going on in your lives or his life? How stressful are your lives, typicaly, and honestly?

I would do your best to get through the day and try to be kind when he comes back. It's overwhelmingly likely he just had a meltdown and was overwhelmed. I don't think he left you. But he needs to come back and talk and apologize for stranding you and leaving the gate open. Sorry, OP!

I don’t think he left me-left me. But I don’t know what to say to get him to see how immature and unfair he is. And selfish.

I cannot imagine a scenario where I would feel like I could just walk out of the house and know that someone else was there to back me up and it wouldn’t impact anyone. I don’t understand how he perceives his place in our marriage and family life if he thinks he can just get annoyed, give someone the silent treatment, and literally walk away when things are hard for him. If I walked every time things were hard or overwhelming for me, I’d be halfway around the globe by now.

Kids are late elementary, we’re mid-40s. His job is in a straightforward or maybe even fun phase- he’s just below c-suite and has earned a lot of flexibility and opportunity. Biggest stress I can identify right now is one child switching to a new school due to bullying and we have contractors coming this week to replace the air conditioner unit.

[Anonymous]

So he was annoyed that you expected him to sit and listen to you cry and/or rant about the school situation and then you expected him to stand quietly while you chatted with some random person you didn’t even really want to talk to while he was waiting for you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m assuming this has happened before - many, many times. One does not become a man-child overnight. How did you handle it in the past?

I wouldn’t stay married to someone like this; it’s that pathetic. Can you leave?

He’s never done exactly this but he has been a jerk about me basically existing as a human with needs and feelings. It comes and goes and I guess I’ve always convinced myself that I was out of line and asking too much and I’ve sort of shrunk myself to avoid more issues. I live across the country from most of my friends and feel pretty vulnerable because I don’t have family to go to for support. When our second child was born he took a ton of work travel that was quite optional including multi-week stints in Asia- he was gone for ~100 days the first 6 months.

I can’t leave- with no living family of origin I don’t know where I would go. I do have good friends but not so good that I would be like “I don’t know where else to go.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So he was annoyed that you expected him to sit and listen to you cry and/or rant about the school situation and then you expected him to stand quietly while you chatted with some random person you didn’t even really want to talk to while he was waiting for you?

We were at a plant nursery and a woman in line with us noticed we were buying the same plant and shared her ideas about it and asked what I was going to do with mine. He said it was ridiculous that I felt the need to respond to her and why did I have to be like that.

I didn’t cry or rant about the school thing. I said I was really upset and worried about x thing that school told us had happened and wondered how we should talk to DD and how we should respond to school. He said nothing was going to fix it so we should just tell school it was fine and I should stop wasting everyone’s time on it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We had a busy afternoon planned with a kid activity, yard work, and a couple of errands. DH hadn’t been talking to me all morning and finally I asked what was going on. He brought up something I said Tuesday night and said it was too emotional and I needed to stop expecting him to listen to my feelings and he was over it. I was shocked and said wait what, so I deserve the silent treatment for that and why didn’t you say something Tuesday? (Btw, the “too much emotion” thing was me saying that I was upset and worried and something that had happened to one of our kids at school and I asked him for his input on how to deal with it.) He said he was tired of me expecting other people to listen to my feelings and then he brought up feeling annoyed that I made small talk with someone yesterday while we were running errands.

Anyway, after he said all this he walked out of the room. I thought he was going to come back but he didn’t so after 10 minutes I started frantically walking through the house trying to figure out what was going on.

His phone and car are here but his keys are gone and he left the back gate gaping- the dog was back there but luckily the dog was freaked out and didn’t run away. He’s gone, and has been for 90 minutes.

So DH has literally walked out, I have two kids that need to be in two different places and an afternoon of errands and other stuff, and no way to know what’s going on or how to contact him. The kids are saying “where did daddy go?” And I’m like, “I think he had to go get soemthing.” I don’t even know why I’m protecting him.

Assuming he comes back (?!), what tf do I even say? This is crazy, right?

We probably need to know the state of your marriage and how your DH has handled problems in the past.

It sounds like he is throwing the adult version of a tantrum. If he was overloaded (and I've been there), he should have said "I need some space. I'm taking a walk."

[Anonymous]

None of this is okay, OP. You deserve better, and I think you’re here bc you know that.

[Anonymous]

You need to stay calm and be the bugger person in this moment of time. He isn't going anywhere without phone and car. He probably wanted to avoid a bigger argument and needed to use a walk to calm himself down. Kids can miss their activities as it's not important in a crisis.

Let kids know that father was stressed and needed some time to sort out some thoughts. You can't put on a missing person check before 24 hours anyways. Let him come on his own. Be kind when he comes back. There is no need to sort everything out this minute. Tell him you can talk about it when everyone is rested and find a better solution together.

[Anonymous]

Once all is settled, both wow to not give each other silent treatment to avoid fights but instead mention need of a pause to process thoughts or handle the matter at a different time. Take life easy and don't overwhelm yourself either.

[Anonymous]

Why do you think he acted this way?

[Anonymous]

He’s having an affair and is looking for a way to make you the bad spouse so he can justify his actions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like he's melting down and something that would/should normally be an arguement is...this.

How old is he? How old are your kids? What else is going on in your lives or his life? How stressful are your lives, typicaly, and honestly?

I would do your best to get through the day and try to be kind when he comes back. It's overwhelmingly likely he just had a meltdown and was overwhelmed. I don't think he left you. But he needs to come back and talk and apologize for stranding you and leaving the gate open. Sorry, OP!

I don’t think he left me-left me. But I don’t know what to say to get him to see how immature and unfair he is. And selfish.

I cannot imagine a scenario where I would feel like I could just walk out of the house and know that someone else was there to back me up and it wouldn’t impact anyone. I don’t understand how he perceives his place in our marriage and family life if he thinks he can just get annoyed, give someone the silent treatment, and literally walk away when things are hard for him. If I walked every time things were hard or overwhelming for me, I’d be halfway around the globe by now.

Kids are late elementary, we’re mid-40s. His job is in a straightforward or maybe even fun phase- he’s just below c-suite and has earned a lot of flexibility and opportunity. Biggest stress I can identify right now is one child switching to a new school due to bullying and we have contractors coming this week to replace the air conditioner unit.

He thinks this is acceptable because he knows you are an actual adult who'll take care of the kids.
You're not equals in his mind. He feels entitled to have a tantrum... I couldn't be with someone like that but I know it's easy to tell someone else to just divorce. But I do think you need to decide what you'll do when he does this again. Because he definitely will