DH walked out, I think- what do I do now?

[Anonymous]

He needs his space. And you're worried about him being gone for a couple of hours. He's may be close to making some big life decisions. And you might not be in it.

What you do is: you let him save face. He returns. He returns to a gentle, calm environment. He is telling you with actions and told you with words: it's too much. Too much stress. You expect too much emotional support -- go find friends, others to help with your emotional needs. He can't do it. It's too much for him, he's not wired that way. Likely too, you have the kids scheduled way too much. Especially revealing when, in the middle of a marriage crisis, *your* concern is how to get the kids to their activities and how you will get your errands accomplished. He's rethinking the marriage and you don't get what's important.

[Anonymous]

He’s probably having an affair. I’m sure this isn’t new behavior

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m assuming this has happened before - many, many times. One does not become a man-child overnight. How did you handle it in the past?

I wouldn’t stay married to someone like this; it’s that pathetic. Can you leave?

He’s never done exactly this but he has been a jerk about me basically existing as a human with needs and feelings. It comes and goes and I guess I’ve always convinced myself that I was out of line and asking too much and I’ve sort of shrunk myself to avoid more issues. I live across the country from most of my friends and feel pretty vulnerable because I don’t have family to go to for support. When our second child was born he took a ton of work travel that was quite optional including multi-week stints in Asia- he was gone for ~100 days the first 6 months.

I can’t leave- with no living family of origin I don’t know where I would go. I do have good friends but not so good that I would be like “I don’t know where else to go.”

Oh brother…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oof, I remember this. The silent treatment, the manufacturing of conflicts out of thin air when I asked him what was wrong, the feeling that I annoyed him by even existing, the entitlement to check out or stomp out knowing I would provide continuity for whatever needed to happen….finish cooking, pay the restaurant check, entertain the guests. It was horrible.

Yes he was sleeping around, but that was merely a symptom of deep, pathological selfishness, spiced up by a fun whiff of sociopathy. He was an empathy void. And boy did he hide that well before he locked me down.

You know those men who leave when the wife gets sick? Yeah. I wasn’t going to stick around and find out.

I’m sorry OP. I have been there and for me, it never got better. Maybe it will for you. But I’d take this event as the bellwether it is. With no discussion, and over a nonsense event (the plant thing? Really?), he bailed on you and your kids. Hell, he even endangered the dog by leaving the gate open.

I’m leery of men whose protective instincts of those more vulnerable don’t remain intact in moments like this. They often make bad life partners. I would insist on counseling, no two ways about it.

OP and that is what I needed to hear. Whatever is going on with DH and whatever emotions I dared to express (apparently dcum agrees with him and thinks I need to squish myself down into the tiniest lump possible and not say a word about anything ever) don’t change the fact that he sought to make himself more emotionally comfortable at the expense of one of his own kids having to miss a baseball game or a birthday party and the dog potentially running into a busy street.

[Anonymous]

I need to squish myself down into the tiniest lump possible and not say a word about anything ever

oh, the drama

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oof, I remember this. The silent treatment, the manufacturing of conflicts out of thin air when I asked him what was wrong, the feeling that I annoyed him by even existing, the entitlement to check out or stomp out knowing I would provide continuity for whatever needed to happen….finish cooking, pay the restaurant check, entertain the guests. It was horrible.

Yes he was sleeping around, but that was merely a symptom of deep, pathological selfishness, spiced up by a fun whiff of sociopathy. He was an empathy void. And boy did he hide that well before he locked me down.

You know those men who leave when the wife gets sick? Yeah. I wasn’t going to stick around and find out.

I’m sorry OP. I have been there and for me, it never got better. Maybe it will for you. But I’d take this event as the bellwether it is. With no discussion, and over a nonsense event (the plant thing? Really?), he bailed on you and your kids. Hell, he even endangered the dog by leaving the gate open.

I’m leery of men whose protective instincts of those more vulnerable don’t remain intact in moments like this. They often make bad life partners. I would insist on counseling, no two ways about it.

OP and that is what I needed to hear. Whatever is going on with DH and whatever emotions I dared to express (apparently dcum agrees with him and thinks I need to squish myself down into the tiniest lump possible and not say a word about anything ever) don’t change the fact that he sought to make himself more emotionally comfortable at the expense of one of his own kids having to miss a baseball game or a birthday party and the dog potentially running into a busy street.

Oh boy, you ARE a drama queen, aren’t you?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oof, I remember this. The silent treatment, the manufacturing of conflicts out of thin air when I asked him what was wrong, the feeling that I annoyed him by even existing, the entitlement to check out or stomp out knowing I would provide continuity for whatever needed to happen….finish cooking, pay the restaurant check, entertain the guests. It was horrible.

Yes he was sleeping around, but that was merely a symptom of deep, pathological selfishness, spiced up by a fun whiff of sociopathy. He was an empathy void. And boy did he hide that well before he locked me down.

You know those men who leave when the wife gets sick? Yeah. I wasn’t going to stick around and find out.

I’m sorry OP. I have been there and for me, it never got better. Maybe it will for you. But I’d take this event as the bellwether it is. With no discussion, and over a nonsense event (the plant thing? Really?), he bailed on you and your kids. Hell, he even endangered the dog by leaving the gate open.

I’m leery of men whose protective instincts of those more vulnerable don’t remain intact in moments like this. They often make bad life partners. I would insist on counseling, no two ways about it.

OP and that is what I needed to hear. Whatever is going on with DH and whatever emotions I dared to express (apparently dcum agrees with him and thinks I need to squish myself down into the tiniest lump possible and not say a word about anything ever) don’t change the fact that he sought to make himself more emotionally comfortable at the expense of one of his own kids having to miss a baseball game or a birthday party and the dog potentially running into a busy street.

Nobody said this OP. They responded to the fact that your DH got irritated and walked out of a room and your reaction, when he didn't come back into the room, was, in your own words: "after 10 minutes I started frantically walking through the house." No one wants to live with someone running around "frantic" because they walked out of a room. The fact that you don't understand that this is not the same thing as "not say a word about anything ever" reveals your profound immaturity. As does your ratcheting the situation up to where a child misses a birthday party or the dog is killed in the street, when your original post suggests nothing beyond a quiet afternoon at home.

He's probably close to done with your emotional immaturity. You better get a handle on your behavior or next time the car and phone will be gone as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He’s having an affair and is looking for a way to make you the bad spouse so he can justify his actions.

this was my first thought too (DP)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m assuming this has happened before - many, many times. One does not become a man-child overnight. How did you handle it in the past?

I wouldn’t stay married to someone like this; it’s that pathetic. Can you leave?

He’s never done exactly this but he has been a jerk about me basically existing as a human with needs and feelings. It comes and goes and I guess I’ve always convinced myself that I was out of line and asking too much and I’ve sort of shrunk myself to avoid more issues. I live across the country from most of my friends and feel pretty vulnerable because I don’t have family to go to for support. When our second child was born he took a ton of work travel that was quite optional including multi-week stints in Asia- he was gone for ~100 days the first 6 months.

I can’t leave- with no living family of origin I don’t know where I would go. I do have
good friends but not so good that I would be like “I don’t know where else to go.”

He does this knowing you feel stuck. Better come up with a plan, before the timing is out of your hands. Stop expecting any emotional connection or change from him. Ride it out w/o conflict while you get your ducks in a row. NO more kids. He’s not into you and family life, the marriage will not last. He is likely having an affair and that is where he went. Focus on your career, getting copies of financials and doing some lawyer consults. If possible, plan to relocate yourself and kids back where you may have more support. You need to have no illusions about him, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oof, I remember this. The silent treatment, the manufacturing of conflicts out of thin air when I asked him what was wrong, the feeling that I annoyed him by even existing, the entitlement to check out or stomp out knowing I would provide continuity for whatever needed to happen….finish cooking, pay the restaurant check, entertain the guests. It was horrible.

Yes he was sleeping around, but that was merely a symptom of deep, pathological selfishness, spiced up by a fun whiff of sociopathy. He was an empathy void. And boy did he hide that well before he locked me down.

You know those men who leave when the wife gets sick? Yeah. I wasn’t going to stick around and find out.

I’m sorry OP. I have been there and for me, it never got better. Maybe it will for you. But I’d take this event as the bellwether it is. With no discussion, and over a nonsense event (the plant thing? Really?), he bailed on you and your kids. Hell, he even endangered the dog by leaving the gate open.

I’m leery of men whose protective instincts of those more vulnerable don’t remain intact in moments like this. They often make bad life partners. I would insist on counseling, no two ways about it.

OP and that is what I needed to hear. Whatever is going on with DH and whatever emotions I dared to express (apparently dcum agrees with him and thinks I need to squish myself down into the tiniest lump possible and not say a word about anything ever) don’t change the fact that he sought to make himself more emotionally comfortable at the expense of one of his own kids having to miss a baseball game or a birthday party and the dog potentially running into a busy street.

Oh boy, you ARE a drama queen, aren’t you?!

Likely a troll

[Anonymous]

So there is some weird, threatening, misogynist troll on this thread, repeatedly posting. Ignore this, OP.

I’m the “I’ve been there before” poster. You could make yourself into the tiniest speck possible, and if you won his love that way, what is won? Men who want you to diminish yourself to be worthy of their love also have no ceiling and no floor for this, because it’s not about you. My ex was, and still is, deeply unhappy. Thankfully, I met him when I was old enough that I knew that what was going on between the two of us was deeply abnormal and not a “me” problem. But we didn’t have kids together, so the stakes were different.

If you haven’t been to counseling yet, this is the time. His behavior is not sustainable for a lifetime relationship. And the above poster trying to call you crazy, immature, and get you to break your neck making the environment more “calm and gentle“ for your husband is one of these many guys who believe that women only exist to prop up men. Unfortunately, there’s plenty of them out there.

[Anonymous]

Was this a weekend HE had planned? No. Likely You informed him HOW his weekend was going to go. Yard work. Yippee!! He probably thinks most of what you do, keeping the family's world spinning is unnecessary. And he might be right.

[Anonymous]

Maybe he needed some air. Sometimes, humans need air. You sound needy and annoying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Was this a weekend HE had planned? No. Likely You informed him HOW his weekend was going to go. Yard work. Yippee!! He probably thinks most of what you do, keeping the family's world spinning is unnecessary. And he might be right.

Have at least one weekend a month that isn't "scheduled" OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He’s having an affair and is looking for a way to make you the bad spouse so he can justify his actions.

this was my first thought too (DP)

Me too, but leaving the phone and car is weird. Unless he had pre-arranged plans to walk over or get picked up