My wife thinks I need to see a therapist, I think I'm aware of my problems

[Anonymous]

Not “a stranger who is paid to listen” but a trained professional who has seen f’d up family dynamics 1000s of times and sees them way more clearly than those immersed in them usually do

your response doesn’t sound like someone who is either happy or willing to grow

your response sounds angry, sarcastic, and defensive

I would not want to be around you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not “a stranger who is paid to listen” but a trained professional who has seen f’d up family dynamics 1000s of times and sees them way more clearly than those immersed in them usually do

your response doesn’t sound like someone who is either happy or willing to grow

your response sounds angry, sarcastic, and defensive

I would not want to be around you

Okay!

If you care to answer the question I AM interested to hear it, but I don't need to be judged by someone who doesn't know me, so I'm fine if you don't want to engage any more!

[Anonymous]

The trouble is, you think your posts are so clever and that you are so smart.
Your posts don’t come across that way. They come across as someone who is thinking very shallowly, and who is dismissive of others.
Of course, some people can grow and be happy without therapy. No one said otherwise.
But therapy helps a lot of people enormously. You want to just ignore that reality and engage in intellectual debates and one-up-manship. You seem to think that you are so superior that this thing that is so helpful for other people will be of no use to you.
Good luck with that.
It’s tedious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The trouble is, you think your posts are so clever and that you are so smart.
Your posts don’t come across that way. They come across as someone who is thinking very shallowly, and who is dismissive of others.
Of course, some people can grow and be happy without therapy. No one said otherwise.
But therapy helps a lot of people enormously. You want to just ignore that reality and engage in intellectual debates and one-up-manship. You seem to think that you are so superior that this thing that is so helpful for other people will be of no use to you.
Good luck with that.
It’s tedious.

I'm not trying to amuse you. I think we've established the broad concept of "therapy" can mean a lot of things and a lot of them already apply to me. The specific question of why people think that, by default, if you've had trauma, you must pay a stranger to pick it over and bring it all back up, is the only way to be a happy person, hasn't been answered. And I find it tedious that people like you keep trying to fall back on vague platitudes about therapy when we've quite thoroughly, and productively, covered the subject.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not “a stranger who is paid to listen” but a trained professional who has seen f’d up family dynamics 1000s of times and sees them way more clearly than those immersed in them usually do

your response doesn’t sound like someone who is either happy or willing to grow

your response sounds angry, sarcastic, and defensive

I would not want to be around you

His wife and kids dont either, but he refuses to get help

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not “a stranger who is paid to listen” but a trained professional who has seen f’d up family dynamics 1000s of times and sees them way more clearly than those immersed in them usually do

your response doesn’t sound like someone who is either happy or willing to grow

your response sounds angry, sarcastic, and defensive

I would not want to be around you

His wife and kids dont either, but he refuses to get help

Sounds like it's not your problem.

[Anonymous]

I think we’ve covered pretty exhaustively that “paying someone to pick it over and bring it all back up” is not what good therapy is *at all*

People have discussed how therapy help them in ways that go way beyond mere platitudes, but you are ignoring all that

You must be really threatened by the idea of talking over your life with someone trained, who has insight, who might challenge you to change yourself and your default ways of being.

That must be very frightening for you. Or you would not be so invested in dismissing the possibility that it could be beneficial to your relationships with loved ones like your children and wife

Meditate, ride your bike— These are things done alone. I can see why they are so attractive to you. They don’t threaten your way of being an allow you to have total control. You seem full of rigid defenses and you have to diss therapy Because if it’s useless, then you are justified in not really trying it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think we’ve covered pretty exhaustively that “paying someone to pick it over and bring it all back up” is not what good therapy is *at all*

People have discussed how therapy help them in ways that go way beyond mere platitudes, but you are ignoring all that

You must be really threatened by the idea of talking over your life with someone trained, who has insight, who might challenge you to change yourself and your default ways of being.

That must be very frightening for you. Or you would not be so invested in dismissing the possibility that it could be beneficial to your relationships with loved ones like your children and wife

Meditate, ride your bike— These are things done alone. I can see why they are so attractive to you. They don’t threaten your way of being an allow you to have total control. You seem full of rigid defenses and you have to diss therapy Because if it’s useless, then you are justified in not really trying it

My wife specifically believes that I need to unpack my relationship with my father and his behavior, so that is why we keep returning to the theme of "paying someone to pick it over and bring it all back up."

I'm not objecting to parent coaching, CBT, meditation, exercise, journaling, or personal growth and self-healing of a wide variety of kinds. I'm asking about the belief that if you have trauma it has to be talked over with a paid professional.

[Anonymous]

And we’re saying, over and over again, that talking it over with a paid professional can be very helpful.

And you keep belittling the idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And we’re saying, over and over again, that talking it over with a paid professional can be very helpful.

And you keep belittling the idea.

With what? What is it good for?

We've talked about the cognitive behavioral therapy aspect, we've talked about identifying difficulties and strategies and tools for handling them.

I'm just at the point where I think the answer is that it's the thing for some people, and good luck to them. But I'm baffled and frustrated that some people just can't imagine me being able to navigate a difficult thing without paying someone to uproot it all.

[Anonymous]

You are so intent on maintaining that talking about your father with “a stranger” would be useless, it seems likely that you know that doing so it would be profoundly unsettling and challenging. The idea of doing this is probably terrifying for you.

Your wife, who presumably knows you very well, is probably correct that you could benefit from talking about this with someone who is intelligent and experienced in messed up family dynamics.

If you are so convinced it will be useless, why don’t you just try it? Prove us all wrong! Prove how you are just fine, and can go it alone, and are too smart to need anything that mere mortals would need.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are so intent on maintaining that talking about your father with “a stranger” would be useless, it seems likely that you know that doing so it would be profoundly unsettling and challenging. The idea of doing this is probably terrifying for you.

Your wife, who presumably knows you very well, is probably correct that you could benefit from talking about this with someone who is intelligent and experienced in messed up family dynamics.

If you are so convinced it will be useless, why don’t you just try it? Prove us all wrong! Prove how you are just fine, and can go it alone, and are too smart to need anything that mere mortals would need.

Because I don't want to — I've dealt with it my whole life and have had a lot of time to think about it. I've reached peace with it. It's not my fault, it's not even really his fault. He is who he is, and I can't change it and I shouldn't change it. If me and my family being around him makes him happy, and it makes us happy, I'm all for it. If it causes him unhappiness, which it seems to, and he says and does hurtful things, I have to keep my distance. I don't expect an apology for things he's done in the past, I don't want to change things in the past, I don't want to change anyone who doesn't want to change. I can only work on myself and do good things for my family. It's a sad situation, but I acknowledge my sorrow over it.

What else is there to possibly say about it? And why would I want to drag up every bad memory, every wrong, every dysfunction, when I know that I already have the best possible solution I can have. I talk to my wife about it, I've talked to my kids about it... and, especially with my kids, I let them know they can always ask me about him.

It's not worth the pain to resurrect it. The thing about the situation that genuinely bothers me the most is the belief, from my wife and from a lot of pop culture on the whole, that my unwillingness to continue to dredge it up and explore it means I'm doing something wrong. That's why I'm so interested and still talking about this. A number of posters have said that there is a point at which it is less productive to dredge up trauma than it is to focus on moving on. I'm moving on, that's good.

[Anonymous]

You can acknowledge your sorrow, but can you acknowledge your anger?
Have you ever expressed your anger to him?
And where is your mother in this equation?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can acknowledge your sorrow, but can you acknowledge your anger?
Have you ever expressed your anger to him?
And where is your mother in this equation?

I have expressed anger towards him, but never sat down and had a conversation with him about it. I don't think he could handle it. And, it's not my job to make him handle it or expect him to handle it.

My mother is stuck in the middle—I can talk to her about it and I don't judge her for her decisions.

[Anonymous]

Go to a dbt family therapy course. Instead of talking about the past and trying to change your feelings, it focuses on coping and interpersonal skills for the whole family. It’s not just about you.

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