Just accepting unequal division of labor

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you two sat down together each day and divided what needed to be done, would he be able to do it?

I'm the ADHD spouse and I make myself daily lists of what I need to do. DH and I also sit down weekly to discuss the upcoming week and who is doing what when (dinner, taking DS to practice, etc).

My lists are pretty much the only way I'm able to function. I put EVERYTHING on there, even just emptying the dishwasher.

+1

I know it’s not fair to my spouse, but I make it clear that I absolutely need them to TELL me what to do, and then I will do it. It’s not fun for me either and I am trying my best. I hope my spouse doesn’t resent me!

You…hope your spouse doesn’t resent you for knowingly treating them unfairly? That’s not ADHD that’s delusional.

There are about 100 ways you can manage executive function without expecting your spouse to do it for you.

Yes I hope my spouse doesn’t resent me for not being as capable in as many ways as they are. They certainly don’t seem to. I put forth a good faith effort every day and do what I can, but I still struggle. And I am trying all sorts of strategies to manage my mental health issues, but in the meantime my spouse actually tries to HELP ME. But, my spouse is not a petty scorekeeper like so many of the folks posting their complaints here.

I wonder if some of you would treat your kids this way. Do you think there is some magic age where all mental health issues disappear, or are suddenly no longer issues that people struggle with or suffer from, but are instead now conscious choices to be lazy and worthless? And do you know what’s ALSO exhausting? Having a mental health issue! Maybe try a little compassion?

Do you see how silly the comparison is to a child?

No. I do not. That’s because I am not aware of an age at which mental health disorders magically disappear.

I am simply saying that if you wouldn’t talk about your child with a mental health disorder this way you shouldn’t talk about your spouse with the exact same disorder this way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And remember that he may need things that are routine and really obvious to you, spelled out for him, and reiterated several times.

Crazy.

This, folks, is why you shouldn't medicate and coddle your kids with executive functioning deficits. Stop with the special treatment in school and at home. Because then they grow up to be adults who can't carry their own weight. They need to learn how to succeed on their own, and that takes hard work and brute force a lot of times, and you cannot expect a spouse to run a 504 plan for another spouse, especially when kids are involved.

+1, these people who think it's reasonable for an ADHD spouse to just rely 100% on their non-ADHD spouse to accommodate them are either young, deluded, or just found a codependent relationship that works for them. Most people are not going to be willing to do this. In fact, most will not be capable of it. My DH has poor executive functioning and mine is better. But guess what, mine is not perfect. I procrastinate, I struggle with motivation, I have write crap down in order to remember it. I've made mistakes. I'm not a machine. I may not have ADHD but I'm human and have a ton on my plate -- work, parenting, managing a chronic health issue, and issues with my extended family. I'm not low functioning but I'm not exactly high functioning either.

Sure, there might be SOME accommodation. I've accepted the fact that DH is just never going to plan a vacation or book a babysitter. He just won't. I can ask him but he doesn't know how and gets overwhelmed and then just won't. So that's an accommodation. But the day-to-day stuff -- helping with kids, helping with meals, cleaning, getting himself where he needs to be on time, paying attention to school deadlines, bills, etc.? Sorry, he's got to pull his weight. He uses phone reminders and some other tools. He volunteers for things that he finds easy or enjoyable (laundry, grocery shopping, cooking meals) which is great because then I can do other stuff and not feel resentful that he's making me assign him tasks or I'm going everything.

ADHD can be tricky but it does not exempt you from the responsibilities of being an adult. If you really think it does, best of luck to you when your spouse gets tired of dragging your dead weight around and divorces you, and then you have to do it all by yourself.

I think we must be reading different threads because, while about half of the complaints here are valid and justified, the other people complaining would be spewing vitriol about you (wrt the bolded) if you were their spouse.

[Anonymous]

I work part time because I take on the mom load. I think more women should advocate for that. But to be honest I care more about it being done in a specific way so I want to take more of it on anyway. And yeah the kids would be alright if it was just dad. They would miss out on some things but be more independent in many ways. We have three kids so there is plenty of work to go around. My kids are more attached to me not sure if that’s good or bad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And remember that he may need things that are routine and really obvious to you, spelled out for him, and reiterated several times.

Crazy.

This, folks, is why you shouldn't medicate and coddle your kids with executive functioning deficits. Stop with the special treatment in school and at home. Because then they grow up to be adults who can't carry their own weight. They need to learn how to succeed on their own, and that takes hard work and brute force a lot of times, and you cannot expect a spouse to run a 504 plan for another spouse, especially when kids are involved.

Truth

Get your adhd and asd kids professional help now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Same girl, same.

Who makes more money? The other party( regardless of sex) should do more unpaid labor. The golden rule in my house.

I disagree. The person who works more should do less at home so that the overall work (work + home) is roughly equivalent.

If someone works more for less money than they should change jobs or quit. That job is not a good use of the family’s resources (time + money)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What happens if you assign him a list of chores (doing the executive function piece for him) each night so it’s not just you sitting there catching up while he unwinds?

For me that’s the thing that would just be unacceptable.

“I’m tired, I need to watch tv. I had a long day. I didn’t sleep well again. I was up early, working.”

DP, but this. There is always an excuse.

A lot of this comes down to a game of chicken where my DH is willing to let a lot of things about our kids and our home get REALLY bad before he would step in and actually take the lead on them. And even then, he'd start with "Hey I noticed the kids fingernails are really long and dirty, we should probably do something about that" before actually doing anything -- "we" in this case means me.

I think I'd have to get like a terminal disease before he'd actually rouse himself to do a lot of this stuff, and even then I know he'd panic and be telling me that he just could never in a million years figure out how to sign our kids up for summer camp on his own, can I do it?

I think if I died, he'd get his mom to come live with him. But she's almost 80.

I can't die.

+1000 I think this is the crux of it for a lot of families (and I do not believe that ALL of these DHs have ADHD). I think women generally have higher standards for things like healthy meals, kid enrichment, clean and organized home.

So a lot of these men aren't shirking in their minds; they just think their wives should chill out more instead of they should be stepping up and doing more. And honestly? Sometimes they might be right. Sometimes.

Ok, then what’s a basic baseline for your house, yard, child-raising?

And should only one parent keep to the baseline or both? Or equal amounts of time at baseline and below baseline.

Let’s assume no above baseline so F nutrition, bedtimes, fancy ECs, and supplementing at home. Just let the Tiger Parents win that one.

It's interesting to me that people will write this dynamic off as "well she just has higher standards, that's not his fault" but WHY do so many women have higher standards of cleanliness, nutrition, organization, timeliness, etc., than their husbands? This explanation acts as though women collectively are just unrealistic about what needs to be done or how well it has to be done, but what if, as a society, we just decided to live down to the standards of all these men? What would society look like? Dirty houses, kids late for school 3/5 days, no vacations because nothing gets planned, meals mostly fast food or whatever can be thrown together last minute, schools bare bones and no fundraising or extra programming because no PTA at all (be honest, what percent of your PTA is men versus women, and what percent of the men are there WITH their wives and not in instead of them), and so on.

Like it's easy to roll our eyes at women and say "ugh, chill out, your standards are too high." But then we all collectively benefit from women who decided that the bare minimum wasn't good enough. Do you REALLY want to live in a world designed by a man who thinks most things can be put off or not done at all if it means he gets to spend more time playing video games?

You have just reverse engineered the formerly long-standing idea that women, by nature, are suited towards tending the home and the domestic sphere of influence, which in turn, makes the world a better place to live.

To rail against nature and expect men to act as women is an exercise in futility. As evidenced by all the women in this thread who keep trying, and failing at it. The answer is literally right there in your face.

Are you arguing that the solution is for women to just stay at home and not work? If so, I respect the point of view but it’s not realistic for most families especially now so women should just stop asking for help from men? I don’t think that’s the solution either.

It’s not fair that women are being asked to compensate for broken society. Food system full of junk food? Just plan healthy meals and prep them every day! School rundown? Just join the PTO and plan lots of enrichment.

It never ends. We don’t have a safety net we have women.

No, but a good idea would be to drop the rope on the compulsion to be breadwinner 4 times over just for “fulfillment” and “independence” that leaves a woman burnt out on both ends. It’s certainly a difficult conundrum, but we have to start where we can and work with our strengths, not labor upstream against them. We must deal with the world as it is, not as we dream it could be.

So, are you saying that women should never have time-consuming jobs outside the house? Can men have jobs that bring in 4 times the salary just for "fulfillment" and "independence"?

My husband is exactly as capable as I am of doing everything for our children, house, and pets. Other than giving birth, he's done it all (our twins were formula-fed because of their premature birth). He fed them as babies. I fed them as babies. He feeds them as third graders. I feed them as third graders. He can do laundry. I can do laundry. He can read a calendar. I can read a calendar.

Stop enabling these helpless man babies and stop showing them family dynamics where it's fine if they come home from work and then do nothing else around the house.

Well right there you just mentioned a major inequality—you can give birth and he can’t. You fed them in their infant years, he fed them once they were older and less helpless. The crux of my argument is that it is almost always the case that women will end up with a so-called inequal load, in some way, in the home. It’s just a fact of reality. It’s up to each individual person how they will deal with that fact of reality—some women mommy track, and some women intuitively understand this and avoid marriage and children altogether in order to pursue those time-intensive goals. A valid choice, and IMO better for her than running herself ragged trying to “have it all”.

Life is about tradeoffs for everyone, male and female. I would advise a man who is killing himself working a high-flying job at the expense of the well-being of his wife and children to do the same—take a step back. But that’s a different conversation for another thread.

Sorry, disregard the fed them older thing, I skipped a part reading obviously

DP. Actually it shows why you are making excuses for your preconceived order of things. Because you know quite well that the issues related to birth are so time limited.

I think it’s about power and perception. OP makes 4x her husband; she has much power in her relationship than she is willing to exert. I find that most women are not willing to exert power because they want their husbands to still think of them as nice and feminine. They will take fake harmony over making waves. I don’t worry about such things, so I may be more of a harpy but I don’t have the issues that flood this thread.

Sorry.

Power is doing exactly what you want, when you want.

And if you wants are always 100% about you- not your kids, spouse or house - you are pretty f’d up and self-centered.

For example, Op does whatever he wants. Everyone and everything else be damned; he doesn’t care and can’t handle it. Everyone else can pick up the prices. Every day.

That’s power. Focusing only on yourself. Not caring about anything else. Not doing anything else for others. Dumping responsibilities on your spouse and kids all the time.

It’s power, and abusive.

Strawman. Who ever said anything about focusing only on yourself and not caring about anything else. Who is dumping responsibility on spouse and kids all time? Nice deflection though!

OPs spouse does exactly that.

He has the power.

He doesnt want to be involved with his wife, kid or house, so he isn’t.

Is there a way to *make him* be an active, involved, functional member of the household? No.

That’s power. His selfish decisions make it up to his spouse, Op, to make up for the lack of a father and parent. She has a huge burden and no good options. That’s power.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My marriage had been really tainted by the inequity in our workload.

Dh has adhd. Likely in large part because of this, I do the lions share of everything. I make about 4x the salary, work much much harder; and have to remember almost all of the kid and household admin.

It’s not that he *wont* do it but it’s sort of positioned as that he *cannot* do as much as me and therefore would just - if left to own devices - let many many many things slide (clean clothes/ kids shower/ kids eat any vegetables/ submit mandatory forms to school/ buy birthday presents for other kids parties etc etc).

I sit there every night working and doing admin till I go to bed basically while he unwinds. I do not want to share time with kids and I know the dcum party line is don’t divorce unless it’s awful. And he does have in theory many good qualities. But the inequity in our relationship is just bananas. I have addressed it all I can and this is the best it’s going to get. Is there any solution?

Bump

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you two sat down together each day and divided what needed to be done, would he be able to do it?

I'm the ADHD spouse and I make myself daily lists of what I need to do. DH and I also sit down weekly to discuss the upcoming week and who is doing what when (dinner, taking DS to practice, etc).

My lists are pretty much the only way I'm able to function. I put EVERYTHING on there, even just emptying the dishwasher.

+1

I know it’s not fair to my spouse, but I make it clear that I absolutely need them to TELL me what to do, and then I will do it. It’s not fun for me either and I am trying my best. I hope my spouse doesn’t resent me!

You…hope your spouse doesn’t resent you for knowingly treating them unfairly? That’s not ADHD that’s delusional.

There are about 100 ways you can manage executive function without expecting your spouse to do it for you.

Yes I hope my spouse doesn’t resent me for not being as capable in as many ways as they are. They certainly don’t seem to. I put forth a good faith effort every day and do what I can, but I still struggle. And I am trying all sorts of strategies to manage my mental health issues, but in the meantime my spouse actually tries to HELP ME. But, my spouse is not a petty scorekeeper like so many of the folks posting their complaints here.

I wonder if some of you would treat your kids this way. Do you think there is some magic age where all mental health issues disappear, or are suddenly no longer issues that people struggle with or suffer from, but are instead now conscious choices to be lazy and worthless? And do you know what’s ALSO exhausting? Having a mental health issue! Maybe try a little compassion?

My spouse is not my child and would find it absolutely disgusting to compare my relationship to them to my relationship to our children.

An adult seeks care. A child needs care managed for them. Get a coach and a physician, follow their instructions, and stop being knowingly unfair to your spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you two sat down together each day and divided what needed to be done, would he be able to do it?

I'm the ADHD spouse and I make myself daily lists of what I need to do. DH and I also sit down weekly to discuss the upcoming week and who is doing what when (dinner, taking DS to practice, etc).

My lists are pretty much the only way I'm able to function. I put EVERYTHING on there, even just emptying the dishwasher.

+1

I know it’s not fair to my spouse, but I make it clear that I absolutely need them to TELL me what to do, and then I will do it. It’s not fun for me either and I am trying my best. I hope my spouse doesn’t resent me!

You…hope your spouse doesn’t resent you for knowingly treating them unfairly? That’s not ADHD that’s delusional.

There are about 100 ways you can manage executive function without expecting your spouse to do it for you.

Yes I hope my spouse doesn’t resent me for not being as capable in as many ways as they are. They certainly don’t seem to. I put forth a good faith effort every day and do what I can, but I still struggle. And I am trying all sorts of strategies to manage my mental health issues, but in the meantime my spouse actually tries to HELP ME. But, my spouse is not a petty scorekeeper like so many of the folks posting their complaints here.

I wonder if some of you would treat your kids this way. Do you think there is some magic age where all mental health issues disappear, or are suddenly no longer issues that people struggle with or suffer from, but are instead now conscious choices to be lazy and worthless? And do you know what’s ALSO exhausting? Having a mental health issue! Maybe try a little compassion?

Do you see how silly the comparison is to a child?

No. I do not. That’s because I am not aware of an age at which mental health disorders magically disappear.

I am simply saying that if you wouldn’t talk about your child with a mental health disorder this way you shouldn’t talk about your spouse with the exact same disorder this way.

You are responsible for your child’s health. Your spouse is responsible for your spouse’s health. It is gross and infantalizing to assume you should speak of an adult not managing their ADHD like they are a child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And remember that he may need things that are routine and really obvious to you, spelled out for him, and reiterated several times.

Crazy.

This, folks, is why you shouldn't medicate and coddle your kids with executive functioning deficits. Stop with the special treatment in school and at home. Because then they grow up to be adults who can't carry their own weight. They need to learn how to succeed on their own, and that takes hard work and brute force a lot of times, and you cannot expect a spouse to run a 504 plan for another spouse, especially when kids are involved.

I wrote the remark you responded to, an d the two above it, and I am a high-achieving, late-diagnosis 2e ADHD adult that fully carries my own weight. I succeed via hard work, brute force and surrounding myself with the right people, who are nothing like you. Maybe I could have worded what I said a little better, but it’s not about “being coddled” - the fact is that people with ADHD often have a processing speed issue. So if you’re giving long, complex instructions, I’ll be totally following along, but then if I get stuck trying to understand something in the beginning part of what you said, I might end up chewing on that and will completely miss—as in literally just not hear, at all—something you’ve said after the fact. I’m very direct and proactive about stopping people to ask for clarification, and people often just assume I’m hard of hearing. And it works. Sometimes we just need things repeated a few times. At any rate I was just trying to share with OP practical things that work for the way my brain is wired. You probably will never even bother to try to understand, and that’s fine—we’re used to it. I reciprocate your contempt in that I have no tolerance for hardline people like you and others in this thread, and your over-generalized, incorrect conclusions, who think shaming and name-calling is going to do anything for our productivity. Out of self-respect I learned to cut people like you out of my life early, and figured out how to get my engine going in a way that works for me. I am fully motivated around the house by love and admiration for my partner, as well as their kindness and understanding—we notice and appreciate each others’ efforts, and it makes me do and be more. All that said, I do agree with others that some of what OP describes seems to have been unfairly attributed to ADHD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And remember that he may need things that are routine and really obvious to you, spelled out for him, and reiterated several times.

Crazy.

This, folks, is why you shouldn't medicate and coddle your kids with executive functioning deficits. Stop with the special treatment in school and at home. Because then they grow up to be adults who can't carry their own weight. They need to learn how to succeed on their own, and that takes hard work and brute force a lot of times, and you cannot expect a spouse to run a 504 plan for another spouse, especially when kids are involved.

I wrote the remark you responded to, an d the two above it, and I am a high-achieving, late-diagnosis 2e ADHD adult that fully carries my own weight. I succeed via hard work, brute force and surrounding myself with the right people, who are nothing like you. Maybe I could have worded what I said a little better, but it’s not about “being coddled” - the fact is that people with ADHD often have a processing speed issue. So if you’re giving long, complex instructions, I’ll be totally following along, but then if I get stuck trying to understand something in the beginning part of what you said, I might end up chewing on that and will completely miss—as in literally just not hear, at all—something you’ve said after the fact. I’m very direct and proactive about stopping people to ask for clarification, and people often just assume I’m hard of hearing. And it works. Sometimes we just need things repeated a few times. At any rate I was just trying to share with OP practical things that work for the way my brain is wired. You probably will never even bother to try to understand, and that’s fine—we’re used to it. I reciprocate your contempt in that I have no tolerance for hardline people like you and others in this thread, and your over-generalized, incorrect conclusions, who think shaming and name-calling is going to do anything for our productivity. Out of self-respect I learned to cut people like you out of my life early, and figured out how to get my engine going in a way that works for me. I am fully motivated around the house by love and admiration for my partner, as well as their kindness and understanding—we notice and appreciate each others’ efforts, and it makes me do and be more. All that said, I do agree with others that some of what OP describes seems to have been unfairly attributed to ADHD.

PP, I appreciate your explanation here. The difference, though, I think, is that you seem to acknowledge your shortcomings. I don’t think that’s universal by any stretch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Same girl, same.

Who makes more money? The other party( regardless of sex) should do more unpaid labor. The golden rule in my house.

What? My best friend is a teacher, so she makes hardly anything. Her husband does an office job that requires very little brain power but he earns more. My friend works more hours, so why should she have to do more work around the house? Pay does not equal effort.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Same girl, same.

Who makes more money? The other party( regardless of sex) should do more unpaid labor. The golden rule in my house.

I disagree. The person who works more should do less at home so that the overall work (work + home) is roughly equivalent.

If someone works more for less money than they should change jobs or quit. That job is not a good use of the family’s resources (time + money)

That's dumb. You must be a troll, but if not.... Lots of people have important and/or prestigious jobs that require more hours than better paying and less important or prestigious jobs.

Ketanji Brown Jackson's husband is a surgeon. You think she should quit? Your answer doesn't even make sense on its face, which is why I think you're a troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And remember that he may need things that are routine and really obvious to you, spelled out for him, and reiterated several times.

Crazy.

This, folks, is why you shouldn't medicate and coddle your kids with executive functioning deficits. Stop with the special treatment in school and at home. Because then they grow up to be adults who can't carry their own weight. They need to learn how to succeed on their own, and that takes hard work and brute force a lot of times, and you cannot expect a spouse to run a 504 plan for another spouse, especially when kids are involved.

I wrote the remark you responded to, an d the two above it, and I am a high-achieving, late-diagnosis 2e ADHD adult that fully carries my own weight. I succeed via hard work, brute force and surrounding myself with the right people, who are nothing like you. Maybe I could have worded what I said a little better, but it’s not about “being coddled” - the fact is that people with ADHD often have a processing speed issue. So if you’re giving long, complex instructions, I’ll be totally following along, but then if I get stuck trying to understand something in the beginning part of what you said, I might end up chewing on that and will completely miss—as in literally just not hear, at all—something you’ve said after the fact. I’m very direct and proactive about stopping people to ask for clarification, and people often just assume I’m hard of hearing. And it works. Sometimes we just need things repeated a few times. At any rate I was just trying to share with OP practical things that work for the way my brain is wired. You probably will never even bother to try to understand, and that’s fine—we’re used to it. I reciprocate your contempt in that I have no tolerance for hardline people like you and others in this thread, and your over-generalized, incorrect conclusions, who think shaming and name-calling is going to do anything for our productivity. Out of self-respect I learned to cut people like you out of my life early, and figured out how to get my engine going in a way that works for me. I am fully motivated around the house by love and admiration for my partner, as well as their kindness and understanding—we notice and appreciate each others’ efforts, and it makes me do and be more. All that said, I do agree with others that some of what OP describes seems to have been unfairly attributed to ADHD.

You are responding to me, and I'm not so concerned about your contempt. I too have ADHD, so I get it. It sounds like you have figured out ways to overcome, which is exactly what I was talking about. So, yes, I agree you could have worded what you said a little better, which put the onus on the spouse to give special instructions to the ADHD partner. We aren't talking about brain surgery here. 99% of household tasks should not require someone to reiterate things several times, nor are they rife with hidden problems that are obvious to those without ADHD. I am basically sick of a whole culture of shifting the burdens onto others to compensate for issues that people need to learn to fix for themselves. Sounds like you've learned, so not sure why you are so defensive, but I know that's also part of the ADHD complex of issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you two sat down together each day and divided what needed to be done, would he be able to do it?

I'm the ADHD spouse and I make myself daily lists of what I need to do. DH and I also sit down weekly to discuss the upcoming week and who is doing what when (dinner, taking DS to practice, etc).

My lists are pretty much the only way I'm able to function. I put EVERYTHING on there, even just emptying the dishwasher.

+1

I know it’s not fair to my spouse, but I make it clear that I absolutely need them to TELL me what to do, and then I will do it. It’s not fun for me either and I am trying my best. I hope my spouse doesn’t resent me!

You…hope your spouse doesn’t resent you for knowingly treating them unfairly? That’s not ADHD that’s delusional.

There are about 100 ways you can manage executive function without expecting your spouse to do it for you.

Yes I hope my spouse doesn’t resent me for not being as capable in as many ways as they are. They certainly don’t seem to. I put forth a good faith effort every day and do what I can, but I still struggle. And I am trying all sorts of strategies to manage my mental health issues, but in the meantime my spouse actually tries to HELP ME. But, my spouse is not a petty scorekeeper like so many of the folks posting their complaints here.

I wonder if some of you would treat your kids this way. Do you think there is some magic age where all mental health issues disappear, or are suddenly no longer issues that people struggle with or suffer from, but are instead now conscious choices to be lazy and worthless? And do you know what’s ALSO exhausting? Having a mental health issue! Maybe try a little compassion?

Do you see how silly the comparison is to a child?

No. I do not. That’s because I am not aware of an age at which mental health disorders magically disappear.

I am simply saying that if you wouldn’t talk about your child with a mental health disorder this way you shouldn’t talk about your spouse with the exact same disorder this way.

You are responsible for your child’s health. Your spouse is responsible for your spouse’s health. It is gross and infantalizing to assume you should speak of an adult not managing their ADHD like they are a child.

I think you (and PP who responded ip thread) just fundamentally can’t read or are completely lacking in the ability to comprehend what you read. I am not comparing adults and children in terms of their life responsibilities or their need to be cared for. I am comparing them in terms of their mental health disorders. And I am not advocating that anyone should remain married to or manage their spouse who struggles, I am merely suggesting that they stop trying to make it out to be some sort of moral failing on their spouse’s part. It’s an illness. That doesn’t mean you have to choose to live with someone who has such an illness, but the absolute venom with which people describe their spouses is appalling. So I will repeat: if you would not TALK ABOUT your child this way, do not TALK ABOUT your spouse this way.