Just accepting unequal division of labor

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry. I have no advice because I’m in the same boat. I have accepted that my DH must have executive dysfunction.

I’m a stay at home mom, so it’s A LOT more manageable than your situation, but it still sucks. I’m literally never off the clock. I think I’m working harder than ever. It’s sad that I actually prefer when he’s at work because when he’s home I’m just constantly picking up after him. He leaves dirty clothes, dirty diapers, dirty dishes scattered all over the house. He doesn’t even follow our baby’s schedule when he’s with her after work and on the evenings, making my life even harder.

Somehow he doesn’t see when the dishwasher needs to be loaded or emptied, when the dogs need water, when the refrigerator needs to be cleaned out, when the counters need to be wiped down, when the trash needs to be taken out, when laundry needs to be done or just put away, when bottles need to be washed, when the diaper bag needs to be stocked, when literally anything needs to be done. On the rare occasion he has done a load of laundry he has left it in the washer for days (he’s done this multiple times). Oh, and this week. (And too many weeks to count) he failed to bring the trash to the street. Out of pure laziness. I also do every single night waking.

I’m trying so hard to be the perfect wife and mother for him. Dinner on the table when he gets home. He even has the nerve to ask me to make his lunch in the morning while I’m caring for myself, our two dogs, and our baby.

He tells me to tell him what to do, like, hello!? Open your eyes!? I tried telling him that this is more mental work for me. He just doesn’t get it and I don’t think he ever will. Other times when I do ask him, he tells me he’s too tired (I’m tired too!) or that he will get to it later (Surprise, later never comes). Lately I’ve been fantasizing about separating/divorcing.

Huh? I SAH and consider those things my job. I do those during the day, just like DH is working during the day.

Good for you? I expect my husband to at least clean up after himself/not leave huge messes behind. I’m not his mommy or his maid. I find that disrespectful and I just I don’t have enough time in the day for that. Congrats on being superwoman I guess.

I don’t consider that superwoman, more like doormat.

[Anonymous]

Have you considered giving him the SAME tasks everyday?

[Anonymous]

I’m in this boat OP except for the money. I’ve basically accepted it. It’s a big reason we’re only having one kid. That will help a lot. I also try to keep things simple unless they’re really important to me and outsource what I can.

My DH really would live in one filthy room with a mattress on the floor and just be depressed, so it is what it is. I can’t change him and no one has everything.

[Anonymous]

I think it is hard to tease out where the ADHD ends and where just being a jerk begins. My husband has ADHD, but admittedly, I think it is milder than many people that this board discusses. It also isn’t compounded by other MH issue like depression and anxiety — which might be the actual difference with some of these folks. He also isn’t a jerk.

I probably would eventually divorce over the level of inequality described by many of you. But, first I would likely have a significant ultimatum over getting actual ADHD and other MH support. I would be willing to do the executive functioning to make the appointments, drive him, etc. Because meds could be life changing for some of these folks.

I also would really try to figure out what this person could do. It might be annoying to say “unload the dishwasher” every day, but if they would do it when asked — I would ask. I would also outsource as much as I could afford. And, I would decide where I can just let things go. As kids get older, you realize you don’t have much control. If my husband being in charge of dinner meant no veggies two days I week, I would give him those two days a week and not care what they ate. It is only two days. If Susie doesn’t have a birthday present to take to a party, let Susie take that up with dad. He can scramble to target and she can be 20 minutes late to the party. There are probably things you can let go of.

[Anonymous]

I’d have a conversation about chore division, agree on the division, and then make checklists that you hang on the fridge or wherever it is he goes most and will see it. And completely feel free to remind him after the kids are in bed to go do whatever is on his list.

[Anonymous]

What would change if you divorced? You would still be doing everything yourself and making all the money. I agree with PP that if his ADHD isn't treated, that's a good place to start. He may also need lots of visual reminders to help. A list of things to do every day. I know that seems simple and maybe a little ridiculous for a grown adult, but some people need the cue.

[Anonymous]

Does he have a solution beyond "oh no, I can't"??

I guess I'm asking, if you sit down and talk about how you find this division of labor to be unfair, what's his response? Does he recognize that it is unfair and is he, in theory, willing to commit to change? That's a much better starting point than him not caring about the problem.

And push. Push hard -- this is you fighting for your marriage. Recognize that it's not just ADHD here. It's that he's been socialized, like most men, to expect women to pick up the slack for him.

[Anonymous]

What happens if you assign him a list of chores (doing the executive function piece for him) each night so it’s not just you sitting there catching up while he unwinds?

For me that’s the thing that would just be unacceptable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d have a conversation about chore division, agree on the division, and then make checklists that you hang on the fridge or wherever it is he goes most and will see it. And completely feel free to remind him after the kids are in bed to go do whatever is on his list.

This is so annoying though. Having to remind someone to do their share of the work is just more exhausting than doing the chores yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d have a conversation about chore division, agree on the division, and then make checklists that you hang on the fridge or wherever it is he goes most and will see it. And completely feel free to remind him after the kids are in bed to go do whatever is on his list.

This is so annoying though. Having to remind someone to do their share of the work is just more exhausting than doing the chores yourself.

It is annoying but you’re overstating it IMO.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My marriage had been really tainted by the inequity in our workload. Dh has adhd. Likely in large part because of this, I do the lions share of everything. I make about 4x the salary, work much much harder; and have to remember almost all of the kid and household admin. It’s not that he *wont* do it but it’s sort of positioned as that he *cannot* do as much as me and therefore would just - if left to own devices - let many many many things slide (clean clothes/ kids shower/ kids eat any vegetables/ submit mandatory forms to school/ buy birthday presents for other kids parties etc etc). I sit there every night working and doing admin till I go to bed basically while he unwinds. I do not want to share time with kids and I know the dcum party line is don’t divorce unless it’s awful. And he does have in theory many good qualities. But the inequity in our relationship is just bananas. I have addressed it all I can and this is the best it’s going to get. Is there any solution?

I would either let some of the things go or pay someone else to do some if the jobs.

[Anonymous]

Your husband sure does have a sweet deal.

When you are working on household stuff at night and he is relaxing what do you do? Do you try to get him to “help”? Does he? If not, do you express anger and frustration to him? I would

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d have a conversation about chore division, agree on the division, and then make checklists that you hang on the fridge or wherever it is he goes most and will see it. And completely feel free to remind him after the kids are in bed to go do whatever is on his list.

This is so annoying though. Having to remind someone to do their share of the work is just more exhausting than doing the chores yourself.

It is annoying but you’re overstating it IMO.

I agree. I’m the person with the ADHD husband, but he actually does a lot around the house. There are certain things he does that require zero reminders from me — trash, laundry, sweeping. But, the reality is that I need to sit with him once a week and go through the schedule for the upcoming week. He is simply never going to remember all the one off scheduling changes that happen. And I cannot make an offhand remark about a change and expect it to resonate. But, if I sit down and have him put it all in his calendar, we are good. Does it sometimes annoy me to have to talk him through the calendar? Sure. But, I do lots of annoying things too. On balance, we are very happy and have a very strong marriage.

[Anonymous]

I’m amazed how many DHs who don’t do chores are explained away by having AHDH.
In this case, OP, why are you attributing it to ADHD and not a more run of the mill laziness or resentment towards you because you make much more money than him? He sees you doing everything and knows how much this bothers you and still doesn’t do anything about it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry. I have no advice because I’m in the same boat. I have accepted that my DH must have executive dysfunction.

I’m a stay at home mom, so it’s A LOT more manageable than your situation, but it still sucks. I’m literally never off the clock. I think I’m working harder than ever. It’s sad that I actually prefer when he’s at work because when he’s home I’m just constantly picking up after him. He leaves dirty clothes, dirty diapers, dirty dishes scattered all over the house. He doesn’t even follow our baby’s schedule when he’s with her after work and on the evenings, making my life even harder.

Somehow he doesn’t see when the dishwasher needs to be loaded or emptied, when the dogs need water, when the refrigerator needs to be cleaned out, when the counters need to be wiped down, when the trash needs to be taken out, when laundry needs to be done or just put away, when bottles need to be washed, when the diaper bag needs to be stocked, when literally anything needs to be done. On the rare occasion he has done a load of laundry he has left it in the washer for days (he’s done this multiple times). Oh, and this week. (And too many weeks to count) he failed to bring the trash to the street. Out of pure laziness. I also do every single night waking.

I’m trying so hard to be the perfect wife and mother for him. Dinner on the table when he gets home. He even has the nerve to ask me to make his lunch in the morning while I’m caring for myself, our two dogs, and our baby.

He tells me to tell him what to do, like, hello!? Open your eyes!? I tried telling him that this is more mental work for me. He just doesn’t get it and I don’t think he ever will. Other times when I do ask him, he tells me he’s too tired (I’m tired too!) or that he will get to it later (Surprise, later never comes). Lately I’ve been fantasizing about separating/divorcing.

Well, before divorcing, just try growing a backbone.

Dp. Pp no need to be mean.

Not a great solution but whenever my dh does something like unload dishwasher or take out the trash I thank him...I've noticed he has started to do more without me telling him. I am also a sahm