Just accepting unequal division of labor

[Anonymous]

Oh man, I'm in same boat, but DH does not have ADHD - somehow I am doing admin/house stuff plus my full time job plus raising 3 kids while DH kicks back, watches tv, goes out at nights to clubs with guys.... It is supremely frustrating.........................so little time for myself, outside of hours when kids are in school (when I try to carve out a bit of time for myself between work meetings). Resentment piling up.

[Anonymous]

I'll be honest, I didn't read EVERY page but I read the last 5 and the original post. I came on here to actually post a sort of similar issue did a brief search and found this post.

I also do the bulk of the emotional labor in my family earn more than my husband and have way better benefits (because I HAD to find a better job to support my family and better time off as the fallout when I worked weekends was too great). I am CONSTANTLY stressed, anxious, and overwhelmed. My current job has decent pay and great benefits/time off but is very demanding and requires very strong time management and organizational skills and couple that with managing ALL the things for my 2 kids who are now in elementary school...I found myself becoming deeply overwhelmed and seeking out psychiatric help as I felt like I was failing at life. Turns out, I have pretty severe ADHD and anxiety (I was diagnosed with ADHD as a small child but things were different in the 90s and if you could show that you could compensate with sheer effort and keep up grades, you apparently didn't have it...of course, I couldn't maintain it as I was constantly burnt out and not understanding why I couldn't maintain that level of effort and success).

I thought for YEARS that my husband was the one who had ADHD because he simply does not complete tasks it took 10 years and I threatened to leave him, but he did get evaluated and it was inconclusive. The more I have learned about ADHD, the more I have realized that he does not fit the profile of someone with ADHD but still somehow can't organize and doesn't think about basic things with the kids. He's depressed and on a low dose of Ritalin but it still isn't enough and he refuses to get counseling or work with a coach.

So would it honestly make much difference if you were the one with ADHD vs. him? Probably not. I've heard the stories of women who just find themselves drowning and still doing it all. I feel like while yes, there is certainly a psychiatric and psychological piece to this, their behavior is one piece of our patriarchal system.

I can't tell you how many times I've been told to "just don't do the task and wait to see how he struggles and picks up it up".....my husband won't do it or if he does it, it is such a poor job that it's not worth it (dinner taking 2+ hours so we don't eat until nearly 8 pm and includes only a meat, screaming/snapping at the kids in the morning to get them dressed and forget about dressing them nicely, putting clothes in the wash but leaving some out and making a mess of the laundry room, washing some dishes once nothing is left and flies are swarming but not washing them all).

The reality is that he needs to take responsibility for his own behavior and get help to manage his symptoms. It's not up to you to help pick up all that slack for him. It's also not my job to pick up the slack for my incompetent husband who often weaponizes his incompetence. My personal reality is that I'm looking for a counselor for myself and part of that is to explore what my next steps will look like and consider leaving him. You can't control other people but you can take control of your own choices and perhaps getting a counselor for yourself to explore all of this would be helpful for you too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'll be honest, I didn't read EVERY page but I read the last 5 and the original post. I came on here to actually post a sort of similar issue did a brief search and found this post.

I also do the bulk of the emotional labor in my family earn more than my husband and have way better benefits (because I HAD to find a better job to support my family and better time off as the fallout when I worked weekends was too great). I am CONSTANTLY stressed, anxious, and overwhelmed. My current job has decent pay and great benefits/time off but is very demanding and requires very strong time management and organizational skills and couple that with managing ALL the things for my 2 kids who are now in elementary school...I found myself becoming deeply overwhelmed and seeking out psychiatric help as I felt like I was failing at life. Turns out, I have pretty severe ADHD and anxiety (I was diagnosed with ADHD as a small child but things were different in the 90s and if you could show that you could compensate with sheer effort and keep up grades, you apparently didn't have it...of course, I couldn't maintain it as I was constantly burnt out and not understanding why I couldn't maintain that level of effort and success).

I thought for YEARS that my husband was the one who had ADHD because he simply does not complete tasks it took 10 years and I threatened to leave him, but he did get evaluated and it was inconclusive. The more I have learned about ADHD, the more I have realized that he does not fit the profile of someone with ADHD but still somehow can't organize and doesn't think about basic things with the kids. He's depressed and on a low dose of Ritalin but it still isn't enough and he refuses to get counseling or work with a coach.

So would it honestly make much difference if you were the one with ADHD vs. him? Probably not. I've heard the stories of women who just find themselves drowning and still doing it all. I feel like while yes, there is certainly a psychiatric and psychological piece to this, their behavior is one piece of our patriarchal system.

I can't tell you how many times I've been told to "just don't do the task and wait to see how he struggles and picks up it up".....my husband won't do it or if he does it, it is such a poor job that it's not worth it (dinner taking 2+ hours so we don't eat until nearly 8 pm and includes only a meat, screaming/snapping at the kids in the morning to get them dressed and forget about dressing them nicely, putting clothes in the wash but leaving some out and making a mess of the laundry room, washing some dishes once nothing is left and flies are swarming but not washing them all).

The reality is that he needs to take responsibility for his own behavior and get help to manage his symptoms. It's not up to you to help pick up all that slack for him. It's also not my job to pick up the slack for my incompetent husband who often weaponizes his incompetence. My personal reality is that I'm looking for a counselor for myself and part of that is to explore what my next steps will look like and consider leaving him. You can't control other people but you can take control of your own choices and perhaps getting a counselor for yourself to explore all of this would be helpful for you too.

It sounds like your husband could use a different counselor/doctor to assess his issues. Even though someone found it inconclusive, he could still have some sort of issue that is making it difficult for him to accomplish tasks. Certainly, it is up to him ultimately to solve the problem, but it might be something that a professional could help sort out. The fact that he's depressed might be because of his struggles, or it might lead to struggles. There are other medications that can help with a depression/adhd combination.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry. I have no advice because I’m in the same boat. I have accepted that my DH must have executive dysfunction.

I’m a stay at home mom, so it’s A LOT more manageable than your situation, but it still sucks. I’m literally never off the clock. I think I’m working harder than ever. It’s sad that I actually prefer when he’s at work because when he’s home I’m just constantly picking up after him. He leaves dirty clothes, dirty diapers, dirty dishes scattered all over the house. He doesn’t even follow our baby’s schedule when he’s with her after work and on the evenings, making my life even harder.

Somehow he doesn’t see when the dishwasher needs to be loaded or emptied, when the dogs need water, when the refrigerator needs to be cleaned out, when the counters need to be wiped down, when the trash needs to be taken out, when laundry needs to be done or just put away, when bottles need to be washed, when the diaper bag needs to be stocked, when literally anything needs to be done. On the rare occasion he has done a load of laundry he has left it in the washer for days (he’s done this multiple times). Oh, and this week. (And too many weeks to count) he failed to bring the trash to the street. Out of pure laziness. I also do every single night waking.

I’m trying so hard to be the perfect wife and mother for him. Dinner on the table when he gets home. He even has the nerve to ask me to make his lunch in the morning while I’m caring for myself, our two dogs, and our baby.

He tells me to tell him what to do, like, hello!? Open your eyes!? I tried telling him that this is more mental work for me. He just doesn’t get it and I don’t think he ever will. Other times when I do ask him, he tells me he’s too tired (I’m tired too!) or that he will get to it later (Surprise, later never comes). Lately I’ve been fantasizing about separating/divorcing.

Another SAHM here with 3 kids. Babe, I know it's tough, but it's kind of like that scene in the Godfather. "This is the life we have chosen." Working women who marry lazy men have to do EVERYTHING. We dodged that bullet. But we do have to do everything that is not earning money. When kids are young there are advantages. As they get older the intrinsic humiliation of our financial dependence and positions as the 24/7 family scullery maid/butler come to outweigh the advantages even to our kids. Go back to work or you will be trapped in this situation so long that you will become so professionally undesirable that you will have to start at the very bottom, as I am doing. Your DH will never do more for your family than he is doing now, no matter what kind of work you do. Keep your options open for your future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh man, I'm in same boat, but DH does not have ADHD - somehow I am doing admin/house stuff plus my full time job plus raising 3 kids while DH kicks back, watches tv, goes out at nights to clubs with guys.... It is supremely frustrating.........................so little time for myself, outside of hours when kids are in school (when I try to carve out a bit of time for myself between work meetings). Resentment piling up.

How do you end up with three kids with someone like this? When did he change? I don't understand this. I have twins, so perhaps yours are triplets so by the time you had three and realized he was a crappy partner it was too late?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh man, I'm in same boat, but DH does not have ADHD - somehow I am doing admin/house stuff plus my full time job plus raising 3 kids while DH kicks back, watches tv, goes out at nights to clubs with guys.... It is supremely frustrating.........................so little time for myself, outside of hours when kids are in school (when I try to carve out a bit of time for myself between work meetings). Resentment piling up.

How do you end up with three kids with someone like this? When did he change? I don't understand this. I have twins, so perhaps yours are triplets so by the time you had three and realized he was a crappy partner it was too late?

I'm the PP -- I love my kids and I do all this for them - keeping them in a stable house. My DH is a lost cause on the helping at home front. He has never done stuff and I thought he might get involved as kids get older, but no. What I have done is hire an au pair a few months ago -- as I was literally starting to cry in the morning with the dread of everything to do, not enough time, waking up at 4 a.m. to get a head start on work -- it is a shitshow. Deep breaths....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry. I have no advice because I’m in the same boat. I have accepted that my DH must have executive dysfunction.

I’m a stay at home mom, so it’s A LOT more manageable than your situation, but it still sucks. I’m literally never off the clock. I think I’m working harder than ever. It’s sad that I actually prefer when he’s at work because when he’s home I’m just constantly picking up after him. He leaves dirty clothes, dirty diapers, dirty dishes scattered all over the house. He doesn’t even follow our baby’s schedule when he’s with her after work and on the evenings, making my life even harder.

Somehow he doesn’t see when the dishwasher needs to be loaded or emptied, when the dogs need water, when the refrigerator needs to be cleaned out, when the counters need to be wiped down, when the trash needs to be taken out, when laundry needs to be done or just put away, when bottles need to be washed, when the diaper bag needs to be stocked, when literally anything needs to be done. On the rare occasion he has done a load of laundry he has left it in the washer for days (he’s done this multiple times). Oh, and this week. (And too many weeks to count) he failed to bring the trash to the street. Out of pure laziness. I also do every single night waking.

I’m trying so hard to be the perfect wife and mother for him. Dinner on the table when he gets home. He even has the nerve to ask me to make his lunch in the morning while I’m caring for myself, our two dogs, and our baby.

He tells me to tell him what to do, like, hello!? Open your eyes!? I tried telling him that this is more mental work for me. He just doesn’t get it and I don’t think he ever will. Other times when I do ask him, he tells me he’s too tired (I’m tired too!) or that he will get to it later (Surprise, later never comes). Lately I’ve been fantasizing about separating/divorcing.

Another SAHM here with 3 kids. Babe, I know it's tough, but it's kind of like that scene in the Godfather. "This is the life we have chosen." Working women who marry lazy men have to do EVERYTHING. We dodged that bullet. But we do have to do everything that is not earning money. When kids are young there are advantages. As they get older the intrinsic humiliation of our financial dependence and positions as the 24/7 family scullery maid/butler come to outweigh the advantages even to our kids. Go back to work or you will be trapped in this situation so long that you will become so professionally undesirable that you will have to start at the very bottom, as I am doing. Your DH will never do more for your family than he is doing now, no matter what kind of work you do. Keep your options open for your future.

+1

Could’ve written this myself - Every word.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry. I have no advice because I’m in the same boat. I have accepted that my DH must have executive dysfunction.

I’m a stay at home mom, so it’s A LOT more manageable than your situation, but it still sucks. I’m literally never off the clock. I think I’m working harder than ever. It’s sad that I actually prefer when he’s at work because when he’s home I’m just constantly picking up after him. He leaves dirty clothes, dirty diapers, dirty dishes scattered all over the house. He doesn’t even follow our baby’s schedule when he’s with her after work and on the evenings, making my life even harder.

Somehow he doesn’t see when the dishwasher needs to be loaded or emptied, when the dogs need water, when the refrigerator needs to be cleaned out, when the counters need to be wiped down, when the trash needs to be taken out, when laundry needs to be done or just put away, when bottles need to be washed, when the diaper bag needs to be stocked, when literally anything needs to be done. On the rare occasion he has done a load of laundry he has left it in the washer for days (he’s done this multiple times). Oh, and this week. (And too many weeks to count) he failed to bring the trash to the street. Out of pure laziness. I also do every single night waking.

I’m trying so hard to be the perfect wife and mother for him. Dinner on the table when he gets home. He even has the nerve to ask me to make his lunch in the morning while I’m caring for myself, our two dogs, and our baby.

He tells me to tell him what to do, like, hello!? Open your eyes!? I tried telling him that this is more mental work for me. He just doesn’t get it and I don’t think he ever will. Other times when I do ask him, he tells me he’s too tired (I’m tired too!) or that he will get to it later (Surprise, later never comes). Lately I’ve been fantasizing about separating/divorcing.

Another SAHM here with 3 kids. Babe, I know it's tough, but it's kind of like that scene in the Godfather. "This is the life we have chosen." Working women who marry lazy men have to do EVERYTHING. We dodged that bullet. But we do have to do everything that is not earning money. When kids are young there are advantages. As they get older the intrinsic humiliation of our financial dependence and positions as the 24/7 family scullery maid/butler come to outweigh the advantages even to our kids. Go back to work or you will be trapped in this situation so long that you will become so professionally undesirable that you will have to start at the very bottom, as I am doing. Your DH will never do more for your family than he is doing now, no matter what kind of work you do. Keep your options open for your future.

Another SAHM starting at the very bottom career-wise and I agree with this advice.

[Anonymous]

PP here. Just want to emphasize this sentence from the other post.
“Your DH will never do more for your family than he is doing now, no matter what kind of work you do.”

It sounds insane but it is 100% true. No matter what you make/ how much you work/ how much you excel at work/ even if you look amazing etc etc etc, your DH will NEVER do more to help.