Just accepting unequal division of labor

[Anonymous]

I feel you, OP. I think 95% of my female friends married to men experience this to some extent. My solution is 1) to accept; and 2) to outsource if you can afford to. We have weekly housekeepers, which helps a lot. I am thinking of upping to twice/week to help with the laundry. I have friends who hire professional organizers on a regular basis, too.
Also, do you have a shared Google calendar? Put EVERYTHING on the calendar and invite DH for everything. I put every single kids' practice, lessons, appointments, birthday party, school calendar event, etc. Sit with DH and make him accept all the invites so that he is aware of everything that needs logistical coordination. You can even put something like "Buy Larla's Birthday Present" as a calendar event.

[Anonymous]

Pre-marital, pre-parental and pre-homeownership counseling and training are really important for marital accord and balanced family lives.

In OP's case, a therapist and a maid can help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m amazed how many DHs who don’t do chores are explained away by having AHDH.
In this case, OP, why are you attributing it to ADHD and not a more run of the mill laziness or resentment towards you because you make much more money than him? He sees you doing everything and knows how much this bothers you and still doesn’t do anything about it?

Yes, it's far more likely to be learned incompetence rather than ADHD in the vast majority of cases. They function just fine at work, they just don't WANT to at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Pre-marital, pre-parental and pre-homeownership counseling and training are really important for marital accord and balanced family lives.

In OP's case, a therapist and a maid can help.

Hey. Guess what. This doesn’t work like you think it does. People with executive function shortcomings don’t expect to face plant when they have kids and busier careers. But they do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel you, OP. I think 95% of my female friends married to men experience this to some extent. My solution is 1) to accept; and 2) to outsource if you can afford to. We have weekly housekeepers, which helps a lot. I am thinking of upping to twice/week to help with the laundry. I have friends who hire professional organizers on a regular basis, too.
Also, do you have a shared Google calendar? Put EVERYTHING on the calendar and invite DH for everything. I put every single kids' practice, lessons, appointments, birthday party, school calendar event, etc. Sit with DH and make him accept all the invites so that he is aware of everything that needs logistical coordination. You can even put something like "Buy Larla's Birthday Present" as a calendar event.

Every young family needs one stay at home parent or a full time family manager with an assistant.

[Anonymous]

What would change if you divorced? You would still be doing everything yourself and making all the money.

Someone always comes on these threads to say this, and I always wonder if it’s the same person that walks around the house leaving a trail of dirty dishes. How is it not obvious? What would change is that she would clean the house, and it would stay clean. She wouldn’t be picking up cereal bowls from beside the bed. She wouldn’t be living some with someone who is actively watching her spin her wheels while he sits on the couch scrolling on his phone. She would have a peaceful home with some control over her environment. Would she be single? Yes. And likely have to negotiate custody? Yes. For many women, that’s preferable, and that should explain how intolerable her current situation is. She’s already working and outearning her husband. I swear, the absence of expectations of men is appalling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel you, OP. I think 95% of my female friends married to men experience this to some extent. My solution is 1) to accept; and 2) to outsource if you can afford to. We have weekly housekeepers, which helps a lot. I am thinking of upping to twice/week to help with the laundry. I have friends who hire professional organizers on a regular basis, too.
Also, do you have a shared Google calendar? Put EVERYTHING on the calendar and invite DH for everything. I put every single kids' practice, lessons, appointments, birthday party, school calendar event, etc. Sit with DH and make him accept all the invites so that he is aware of everything that needs logistical coordination. You can even put something like "Buy Larla's Birthday Present" as a calendar event.

I get why hiring out so much is a bitter pill for OP given that she is the one making the money for all that though.

In my marriage it’s less bitter because he makes more, so it’s more like him buying his way out of his fair share.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m amazed how many DHs who don’t do chores are explained away by having AHDH.
In this case, OP, why are you attributing it to ADHD and not a more run of the mill laziness or resentment towards you because you make much more money than him? He sees you doing everything and knows how much this bothers you and still doesn’t do anything about it?

Yes, it's far more likely to be learned incompetence rather than ADHD in the vast majority of cases. They function just fine at work, they just don't WANT to at home.

100% this. If they are fine on the job and not perpetually unemployed, they can do the job but they just don't care nor want to give it the level of effort expected by their spouse because they know spouse will pick up the slack somehow.

[Anonymous]

You should throttle back on your career. Why do you work much harder, and for 4 times his salary? If you didn’t want to mommy track, it would seem like your current situation is the inevitable outcome of that decision.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should throttle back on your career. Why do you work much harder, and for 4 times his salary? If you didn’t want to mommy track, it would seem like your current situation is the inevitable outcome of that decision.

Maybe she likes her career, and the independence and fulfillment it provides? Some people actually like to work hard at their careers.

[Anonymous]

My husband has ASD/ADHD, and refuses to get treatment. He has control issues and refuses to let me handle certain things. I couldn't do it all anyway, but when he messes up, I wish I could have prevented it.

So I prioritize:

1. Kids' wellbeing. I see they're fed on time, decently clothed, get to school on time, get picked up on time, have doctors' appointments, vaccines, etc, pay for their activities and remember their recitals and other important dates. I was particularly vigilant for oldest's college admissions process and tuition payment, because my husband is a problematic money manager and money sometimes isn't available when we need it. I have been the primary parent forever, and as a result, my kids have a much better relationship with me than they have with their father.

2. I look after myself. I dress nicely, I try to look after my needs, see my friends outside of the house, and generally try to be happy with what I have.

Which means that everything else falls by the wayside. The house is always cluttered and messy, because he has hoarding tendencies and never tidies up after himself. He stuffs it so full, the things at the back are forgotten and rot. The yard is entirely given over to my husband's "gardening" initiatives, which means it's a mess. Sometimes a very flowery one, except he never puts away any tools or soil bags or plastic containers, so it's looks like a flowery dump. He insists the cars are his responsibility - which means they're never maintained as they should be, they're horribly dirty, one of them has ugly body damage, and we drove around for a while with a dangerously overheating engine for several months because he screamed and yelled he was going to fix it and didn't. He has interesting ideas on his own self-care, never goes to see any doctor, always uses the same 3 outfits until they fall off him. He controls finances, and always forgets to file taxes on time. His autistic-related anxiety and need for control make any discussion about problems in the house entirely impossible.

So there you go. I am very deliberate in what I will take on. If others are offended by the state of our yard or cars or whatever, that's just too bad for them.

[Anonymous]

I think at this point, you know the answer, OP. You've gotten as far as you can go. So, you accept it, or you divorce.

The only two other points (though I assume you've thought of these) are:

1) if managing any household tasks is not going to happen, can you give up on that but share the physical burden? Like, what if you said, "I do everything here. From now on, you do the dishes every night after dinner" and then when you saw him sitting, you said, "the dishes aren't done. Please do the dishes now." I would find this unacceptable (I'm not his mommy) but him grumbling and doing the dishes after being reminded four times is better than him sitting there, I think.

And 2) Stop doing anything for him. None of his laundry, no social responsibilities toward his family, don't buy anything from the grocery store that's just for him, no buying stuff like his shampoo. Is it a bit passive aggressive? Sure. But he made his own bed.

I'll also say that I would divorce in this situation, but I don't think it's an easy call. There's a real argument toward staying together and just accepting it.

[Anonymous]

All of us can't have it all. Something's gotta give. Its up to you to rationally decide what works best for you.

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I’d have a conversation about chore division, agree on the division, and then make checklists that you hang on the fridge or wherever it is he goes most and will see it. [b]And completely feel free to remind him after the kids are in bed to go do whatever is on his list.[/b] [/quote]

This is so annoying though. Having to remind someone to do their share of the work is just more exhausting than doing the chores yourself. [/quote]

Depends on the chore and also if you have an expectation that eventually it will change. I have to remind my 9 year old about 10 times a week to clean his room. I have no intention of cleaning it myself. Sometimes I have to remind DH to do the trash but he immediately does it when I do. And I HATE the trash. Reminding DH to close cabinet doors so the cats don’t get in isn’t worth it, I just do that myself if I see them open.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m amazed how many DHs who don’t do chores are explained away by having AHDH.
In this case, OP, why are you attributing it to ADHD and not a more run of the mill laziness or resentment towards you because you make much more money than him? He sees you doing everything and knows how much this bothers you and still doesn’t do anything about it?

Lol. My husband is a military planner and former infantry officer who insisted he couldn’t pick kids up from play dates because he couldn’t find the addresses, didn’t know where people lived etc. and I am like “you’re saying that you could plan the Invasion of Normandy but you can’t take someone to a birthday party? Try again!”

For all of the “I forgot “ stuff try this: when you put the laundry in. Ask Alexa to remind you in an hour to switch it. We both have ADHD and we have so many reminders set on that thing! Alexa reminds us to straighten up the house before the cleaners come on Wednesday, reminds us to take the trash out on Tuesday, etc. and there’s this feature where if you say you need an urgent reminder (ie pick up flea medicine for the dog), it will remind you and text you every hour until you do it. I also put a lot of things on auto ship these days too.


Yes, it's far more likely to be learned incompetence rather than ADHD in the vast majority of cases. They function just fine at work, they just don't WANT to at home.

100% this. If they are fine on the job and not perpetually unemployed, they can do the job but they just don't care nor want to give it the level of effort expected by their spouse because they know spouse will pick up the slack somehow.