Husband following 20-year old on social media…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m surprised a lot of posters think this is normal on social media. Following coworkers, acquaintances, even professionals building a following to market their business, sure, but following random customer service workers you interact with is weird.

I get coffee at a nearby cafe and there is a hot younger barista who works there. Yeah, I check him out but I wouldn’t seek him out in Instagram and follow him because that would feel creepy to me and imo look pretty pathetic.

I completely agree with this.

[Anonymous]

OP here: Just thought I’d update on what ended up happening. I kept digging because I really wanted to know why my husband was connecting with this girl. Many of you suggested it was because she was the salon receptionist, so had his contact number in her phone and it “suggested” him on social media…but that didn’t make sense to me, as she’s only following 200 people on Instagram.

At first he told me the same…the salon has his information since he’s a customer. But finally I told him…I’m not asking why the SALON has your information, I’m asking why SHE does. And finally he said…”oh, she saw my Instagram name while I was showing her pictures on my phone.” And then he tried to sugarcoat it by saying, “I was showing her pictures of YOU in case you were wondering”.

So moral of the story…when something doesn’t feel right, it’s probably not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here: Just thought I’d update on what ended up happening. I kept digging because I really wanted to know why my husband was connecting with this girl. Many of you suggested it was because she was the salon receptionist, so had his contact number in her phone and it “suggested” him on social media…but that didn’t make sense to me, as she’s only following 200 people on Instagram.

At first he told me the same…the salon has his information since he’s a customer. But finally I told him…I’m not asking why the SALON has your information, I’m asking why SHE does. And finally he said…”oh, she saw my Instagram name while I was showing her pictures on my phone.” And then he tried to sugarcoat it by saying, “I was showing her pictures of YOU in case you were wondering”.

So moral of the story…when something doesn’t feel right, it’s probably not.

OP, I've been thinking about this...first, sorry you're having to deal with this, in light of your past history. It probably digs up a lot of unpleasant feelings.

Your DH seems to be seeking self-affirmation via sexual attention from women. I think there are probably layers and layers here, possibly childhood neglect or issues that then shaded over into him "finding" the love and attention he never got through sexual attention and intimacy with women. There's some confusion in his unconscious between sex and love, which makes this behavior compulsive. The lying indicates shame. He needs to dig deeper to find out what's underneath his actions, if he wants to actually love and respect himself in a way that would lead him to be able to be in a loving and respectful relationship.

For you, I imagine there may also be issues if you sought and committed to him knowing that he was on some level unreliable and unfaithful. So rather than get hung up on this one incident, maybe use it as a pause button to reassess where you are and what you want from this or any relationship.

Good luck with this, OP. You deserve to feel valued and respected.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here: Just thought I’d update on what ended up happening. I kept digging because I really wanted to know why my husband was connecting with this girl. Many of you suggested it was because she was the salon receptionist, so had his contact number in her phone and it “suggested” him on social media…but that didn’t make sense to me, as she’s only following 200 people on Instagram.

At first he told me the same…the salon has his information since he’s a customer. But finally I told him…I’m not asking why the SALON has your information, I’m asking why SHE does. And finally he said…”oh, she saw my Instagram name while I was showing her pictures on my phone.” And then he tried to sugarcoat it by saying, “I was showing her pictures of YOU in case you were wondering”.

So moral of the story…when something doesn’t feel right, it’s probably not.

You both sound insecure

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here: Just thought I’d update on what ended up happening. I kept digging because I really wanted to know why my husband was connecting with this girl. Many of you suggested it was because she was the salon receptionist, so had his contact number in her phone and it “suggested” him on social media…but that didn’t make sense to me, as she’s only following 200 people on Instagram.

At first he told me the same…the salon has his information since he’s a customer. But finally I told him…I’m not asking why the SALON has your information, I’m asking why SHE does. And finally he said…”oh, she saw my Instagram name while I was showing her pictures on my phone.” And then he tried to sugarcoat it by saying, “I was showing her pictures of YOU in case you were wondering”.

So moral of the story…when something doesn’t feel right, it’s probably not.

That sounds like such BS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here: Just thought I’d update on what ended up happening. I kept digging because I really wanted to know why my husband was connecting with this girl. Many of you suggested it was because she was the salon receptionist, so had his contact number in her phone and it “suggested” him on social media…but that didn’t make sense to me, as she’s only following 200 people on Instagram.

At first he told me the same…the salon has his information since he’s a customer. But finally I told him…I’m not asking why the SALON has your information, I’m asking why SHE does. And finally he said…”oh, she saw my Instagram name while I was showing her pictures on my phone.” And then he tried to sugarcoat it by saying, “I was showing her pictures of YOU in case you were wondering”.

So moral of the story…when something doesn’t feel right, it’s probably not.

So many issues with his “story.” 1) why was he showing the receptionist pictures on his phone? For what purpose? 2) she immediately remembered his Instagram name because she just HAD to go and follow him! Right away! And so he just HAD to follow her back. 3) they’ve likely been chatting on there and you aren’t going to know because it’s like snap chat and very easy to delete. But ask him, point blank, if they have been.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m surprised a lot of posters think this is normal on social media. Following coworkers, acquaintances, even professionals building a following to market their business, sure, but following random customer service workers you interact with is weird.

I get coffee at a nearby cafe and there is a hot younger barista who works there. Yeah, I check him out but I wouldn’t seek him out in Instagram and follow him because that would feel creepy to me and imo look pretty pathetic.

I completely agree with this.

Yes, do thing because of how you believe others will perceive you. Don't think or act for yourself.

[Anonymous]

Here's the thing. Do you really think a 20 year old hottie is interested in your 41 year old husband? Calm down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here's the thing. Do you really think a 20 year old hottie is interested in your 41 year old husband? Calm down.

Not OP, but that's really not the point. If he's relying on attention from random 20 yr old hot girls for a self-esteem boost, or whatever, how long does that go on and at what point does he need more than just an Instagram follow-back or some DMs? Even if she'd never in a million years be interested in him,

(1) hit up enough 20 yr old girls and you will find one who is absolutely game for having an affair with a married 41 year old -- won't even take that long, and

(2) the very fact he feels he needs this kind of interaction is a giant red flag that he's insecure, looking for trouble, having a midlife crisis, etc. A happy, well-adjusted man in his 40s who values his wife and his family is not going to strike up social media friendships with 20 year olds he met at a salon. He's just not. He'd know how it looks and that nothing positive would come from it, and leave it alone. Only men who feel unfulfilled and are trying to get validation/affection from other women will do this. It's troubling if he falls in this category.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's the thing. Do you really think a 20 year old hottie is interested in your 41 year old husband? Calm down.

Not OP, but that's really not the point. If he's relying on attention from random 20 yr old hot girls for a self-esteem boost, or whatever, how long does that go on and at what point does he need more than just an Instagram follow-back or some DMs? Even if she'd never in a million years be interested in him,

(1) hit up enough 20 yr old girls and you will find one who is absolutely game for having an affair with a married 41 year old -- won't even take that long, and

(2) the very fact he feels he needs this kind of interaction is a giant red flag that he's insecure, looking for trouble, having a midlife crisis, etc. A happy, well-adjusted man in his 40s who values his wife and his family is not going to strike up social media friendships with 20 year olds he met at a salon. He's just not. He'd know how it looks and that nothing positive would come from it, and leave it alone. Only men who feel unfulfilled and are trying to get validation/affection from other women will do this. It's troubling if he falls in this category.

Who says he's relying on the attention of this one girl? All these assumptions are horrible. She's just following her on IG which honestly most people follow people they know even acquaintances. Now, is it odd he and her both follow each other on IG - perhaps. But, that doesn't mean they are talking or have a relationship. Seriously, following someone on IG means nothing. You people are reading way too much into this and again I'll repeat: Do you really think a 20 year old is even giving a 41 year old guy the time of day? No.

Calm down. Stop creating drama. We have enough issues in today's world and society to deal with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here's the thing. Do you really think a 20 year old hottie is interested in your 41 year old husband? Calm down.

That really depends doesn’t it? My husband is hot and makes a lot of money. I know many are. Many of my younger sisters friends are all about dating a “daddy” with money. It’s a thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: Just thought I’d update on what ended up happening. I kept digging because I really wanted to know why my husband was connecting with this girl. Many of you suggested it was because she was the salon receptionist, so had his contact number in her phone and it “suggested” him on social media…but that didn’t make sense to me, as she’s only following 200 people on Instagram.

At first he told me the same…the salon has his information since he’s a customer. But finally I told him…I’m not asking why the SALON has your information, I’m asking why SHE does. And finally he said…”oh, she saw my Instagram name while I was showing her pictures on my phone.” And then he tried to sugarcoat it by saying, “I was showing her pictures of YOU in case you were wondering”.

So moral of the story…when something doesn’t feel right, it’s probably not.

OP, I've been thinking about this...first, sorry you're having to deal with this, in light of your past history. It probably digs up a lot of unpleasant feelings.

Your DH seems to be seeking self-affirmation via sexual attention from women. I think there are probably layers and layers here, possibly childhood neglect or issues that then shaded over into him "finding" the love and attention he never got through sexual attention and intimacy with women. There's some confusion in his unconscious between sex and love, which makes this behavior compulsive. The lying indicates shame. He needs to dig deeper to find out what's underneath his actions, if he wants to actually love and respect himself in a way that would lead him to be able to be in a loving and respectful relationship.

For you, I imagine there may also be issues if you sought and committed to him knowing that he was on some level unreliable and unfaithful. So rather than get hung up on this one incident, maybe use it as a pause button to reassess where you are and what you want from this or any relationship.

Good luck with this, OP. You deserve to feel valued and respected.

This comment really resonated with me. My DH (mid-50s, married for 30 years) seems to care inordinately about what young women think of him = coaches at the gym, neighbors, co-workers. He is attractive - for his age - and he over-interprets any compliment from a younger woman as validation that he is hot or they are attracted to him. When I make fun of him for it, he gets very defensive. That is some deep insecurity left over from high school....

[Anonymous]

40 year old (mostly) happily married guy here.

What’s the big deal? Seriously, everyone goes out into the world and has their little interactions. So he gets a little pick me up from chatting with a hot 20 year old, and she amped him up a little bit by feigning interest in his pics and exchanging Instas. She’s not banging him, to use the parlance of our times.

Obviously he lied about how the follow came about. Any guy would. Deny, deny, deny. Just trying to avoid a headache.

At my salon, there are like 7 chairs and one is with an absolute rocket ship of a girl. Beautiful, great body, flirtatious. Her line is always 4-8 guys deep even with other empty chairs available. So, at a minimum your husband is not an outlier. He’s just a regular Joe. Let him have his fun. Life’s too short to sweat this stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's the thing. Do you really think a 20 year old hottie is interested in your 41 year old husband? Calm down.

Not OP, but that's really not the point. If he's relying on attention from random 20 yr old hot girls for a self-esteem boost, or whatever, how long does that go on and at what point does he need more than just an Instagram follow-back or some DMs? Even if she'd never in a million years be interested in him,

(1) hit up enough 20 yr old girls and you will find one who is absolutely game for having an affair with a married 41 year old -- won't even take that long, and

(2) the very fact he feels he needs this kind of interaction is a giant red flag that he's insecure, looking for trouble, having a midlife crisis, etc. A happy, well-adjusted man in his 40s who values his wife and his family is not going to strike up social media friendships with 20 year olds he met at a salon. He's just not. He'd know how it looks and that nothing positive would come from it, and leave it alone. Only men who feel unfulfilled and are trying to get validation/affection from other women will do this. It's troubling if he falls in this category.

Who says he's relying on the attention of this one girl? All these assumptions are horrible. She's just following her on IG which honestly most people follow people they know even acquaintances. Now, is it odd he and her both follow each other on IG - perhaps. But, that doesn't mean they are talking or have a relationship. Seriously, following someone on IG means nothing. You people are reading way too much into this and again I'll repeat: Do you really think a 20 year old is even giving a 41 year old guy the time of day? No.

Calm down. Stop creating drama. We have enough issues in today's world and society to deal with.

You seem to have missed the post where OP said he was flirting with girls over social media when they were supposed to be exclusive, and that he has a thing for younger women. The drama is what he creates.

[Anonymous]

damn. people really are insecure. This is a nothing burger. But sure--blow this out of proportion and you're headed toward divorce!